Soooooo, I missed a day. You guys know what that means. See you guys again in a couple hours.
Edward didn't make a move to leave, he backed away, stumbling slightly and landing in front of her on his knees. "How long?" he questioned, ignoring her request for him to leave. "How long have you known?" his head fell to his hands, he couldn't look up at her. "How long has my dad known?"
She sighed heavily, rubbing the already formed bruises on her arms. "I've always known Edward. I found out before I moved here." His heart clinched painfully in his chest. "I knew then that I shouldn't have been with you. I knew then, and I know it now. But I loved you. You made me feel alive, but when you asked me to marry you..I…I couldn't do it. I couldn't let you throw your life away on me."
His eyes sought out hers, but instead of finding them, he found her pacing frantically in front of the couch. Her face red, tears drenching the front of her overly large shirt. "Are you joking, Bella? Please tell me you're joking." He reached out for her, wanting to alleviate her pain with his contact, like her used to, but she jerked away.
"Edward, I'm not well. I'm not." Her fingers swiped at her cheeks, but it did nothing to calm her tears. "When I found out it came back, I had no other option but to accept it. I had to let you move on. You deserved to move on. According to Alice, you have. There's nothing left that anyone can do. Nothing! That's why your father knows. I went to see him last year. He tried to give me advice, he tried to show me all the options I have, but I just don't fucking want them. I'm tired! I don't want to spend the little amount of time I have left in a hospital hoping for some sort of miracle that I'll never get. I don't deserve something like that, especially not after what I did to you. I took so much time away from you. I was selfish, I'm not worth the trou.."
Edward cut off her rant, pulling her down toward her, her face crushed into his hard chest. She could feel the steady beat of his heart against her cheek, feel his warm tears spill over into her hair. "Bella, stop talking, just please, stop talking."
Her arms remained motionless by her sides, her head and her heart fighting a war deep within her. Could she give into the temptation and hug him back? Or should she continue to push him away? If she were being completely honest with herself, she'd realize that pulling away was so much more detrimental to her health than the cancer ever was. The depression and silence had her hoping for death many times. But here, his arms wrapped around her, the beat of his heart in her ear, she just wished for life. A long and happy life. But hopes and dreams weren't real, and wishes rarely became reality. "Edward, stop." Her arms attempted to push him away, but his will was stronger than hers.
"No, Bella. You stop. Stop pushing everyone away." His voice was quiet, sad, but she could hear the determination in his voice. "Stop pushing me away." He leaned far enough back to where he could see her face, the face of the girl he couldn't admit to still loving. "I'm not letting you go through all of this without me."
Her eyes closed to avoid seeing his tear streaked face. "You deserve more than I can give you." She felt his thumb glide down over her eyelids, down her cheek, over her chapped lips, and ended resting on her jaw.
"No Bella. You deserve more than I can give you, but that doesn't mean I will ever stop trying."