Author's Note: This one is...awful. This is what happens when I try and force stuff out of myself. I really can't do it. 119 is better (but super, duper sad). 120 is actually decent because I picked an interesting song and topic. Teasers.

Day One-Hundred Eighteen: Never Gonna Leave This Bed by Maroon 5

She pushed me down onto the bed and I didn't fight her back.

This had been happening a lot lately. She just made me so weak at the knees. I couldn't figure out whether I liked it or not.

Just a week earlier, she was pushing me around. Punishment, I guess, for everything I had ever put her through. I knew I could never hit her back. Not just because hitting a girl is wrong, but also because I could never bring myself to hurt her intentionally.

Well…I guess I already did. So maybe I deserved it. Even though she was very lithe and she looked fragile at times, she was really strong. She had hurt me a couple of times.

But now it felt different. I even was a little nervous to just be around her. Her mood could be quite capricious at times; she went from being annoyed to enamored to happy to depressed in a span of twenty minutes. Sometimes she made me so nervous, but she made me so calm at the same time.

But there was one thing which was always consistent. She was always scared I would leave again. No matter how many times I tried to convince her otherwise, she was always dead-set on the notion that I would abandon her.

It was 3 AM and I couldn't sleep. I turned over to see Spencer lying beside me. Her bare skin shone due to the moonlight pouring in from the window.

"Spencer," I said as I shook her awake.

She groaned before turning around. Her eyes were closed, but I knew she was awake. "I'm never going to leave you again," I promised her. Why I had to tell her at three in the morning was beyond me, but I had to say it.

Her eyes opened slightly, just enough so one could tell the color of her irises and see them twinkle a bit in the pale moonlight. Her face looked perfect in the light from the moon. It made everything feel frozen, even if just for a moment in time.

I pulled her closer to me and held her. After about twenty minutes of trying to sleep in that condition, I felt that she was still awake.

"Spencer, you're going to have to trust me if you want to sleep because I'm not letting you go."

And I never wanted to let her go.

Either she finally fell asleep or she was feigning slumber. But I didn't want to know. I'd take it for now. I tried to sleep, but I had this dull ache that wouldn't go away.

"Spencer…Spencer, stop," I said before pushing her off of me. She looked frustrated and then angry.

"What do you want from me, Toby?" she asked angrily. "Damn it, Toby, what the hell do you want?"

"I just want you!" I answered, louder than her. "I don't want the sex and I don't want anything else. I want you," I answered more calmly. "I'd let you take anything and I'd give you anything just to get you back and to get you to forgive me or at least try to. I want you back. Wholeheartedly. Not for the sex. Not for when either of us is feeling lonely. I want your heart."

"So you can break it again?" She had a storm raging in her eyes.

"Can you hear me now, Spencer?" I asked, practically screaming. "I don't want to hurt you! I don't want to do anything to you but love you and protect you and spend time with you because I do love you." She wasn't making this easy.

She narrowed her eyes at me. "I think you should go. This is never going to work and it'll never be perfect," she said.

"No. I'm not leaving. And I don't want it to be perfect, either. I'm staying and I'm never going to leave."

I knew she was extremely challenged by that. She hated when people gave her a good argument.

"You have a lot of making up to do."

tobyequalshottness: The next one is super-duper sad. Like, if you thought 116 (where Toby died and Spencer was talking to their daughter) was sad, I feel like the next one is sadder. And then 120 is kind of sad when I elaborate on what actually happens. 121 is pretty sad, too. 122 is sadder. But then it's pretty fluffy until 130, which isn't really that sad, but not too happy. I'm glad you like it. I think it's shite, but that's my opinion. I'm not good at that either; it's alright. I have social anxiety, though, and that really sucks.

Sarah:Thank yewwww :)

MilaMizz: I watch a lot of reality TV and lately I haven't been paying attention, so...that's not really something to feel guilty about, but whatever. But I really, I can't even tell you five things that happened in the last two episodes. And I only know like four things from 502: Spoby sex (obviously), Pepe the dog, Jason's back, and Mr. DiLaurentis is back, and he decided not to be an ass like the last time. Oh, and Hannily is married, but that's like a given. Jeez, that's impressive. The only other language I know is Spanish. And I know how to read Hebrew. And I know a few phrases in Italian (Come sta?- how are you?; d'ove sta il bagno?- where is the bathroom?; and mi scuzi [idk if that's how you actually spell it, but I'm too lazy to look it up]- excuse me. And I know words in Italian, but that's it). And I should know more Spanish, but I stopped speaking it at home after the age of 6 which was really dumb on my part, but I was like six, so I didn't know. AND YES THIS HAS THE MOST ACCURATE SONG TITLE EVER. My life = never gonna leave this bed. Because I would like to sleep for...forever, but sadly, I can't :(

I really miss AL. And Broadway Baby. Yup, Sarah, when you read this, I'm calling you that from now on. Or Natalie. Your pick. There are too many Sarahs for me to remember anymore. Like half of my readers are probably named Sarah (and none of you are "Sara", either; you all have to spell your names with an "h").

The next one is really, really, REALLY sad. Like, you guys thought "Goodbye" was sad, but I think this one is a lot sadder. And I can't tell you why. The song is Saturday Smile by Gin Wigmore and it's a really nice song, but it makes me feel super depressed.

And that's all for tonight. I'm listening to MATD, so I'm pretty happy right now :) -Kayson