Author's Note: tw: insanity. Does that work?

Day One-Hundred Twenty: Vertigo by Rachael Sage

I never quite understood what people meant when they said they were "going under". I didn't really understand that drowning, choking sensation they always described.

Well, that was until now.

Every time he reaches for my hand or even touches me in the slightest way, I feel like I'm suffocating. It's like my body can't handle that slight energy exchange. And when he lets go, I felt dizzy. Like the room starts spinning, like I start moving, like everything is drained of all its color. Life feels like it isn't really happening. I feel like I'm an outsider looking in. It feels almost like…vertigo.

It's really weird. I know most normal relationships never have that feeling. But we're anything but normal. Still, these feelings make me wonder if I should've left a long time ago. Is this healthy? I know these feelings were truthful. And they feel wrong. Maybe I should've left long before I went under. Before things got too deep. Before everything just became too much to handle.

I swear up and down every night that I'll leave the next day, but I can't. As painful as it is to look at him, it's just as painful to be without him. I'm…I'm in pain right now. Vertigo. The room feels like it's moving and I can't control it. Everything feels all-too hard to control. I can't even control my emotions anymore. They just overcome me.

I hear him whisper to me and it becomes so painful. I feel like now I have to keep all his secrets. What if I whisper something to the walls on accident? Or what if I spill something in my sleep? What if he tells me something dangerous? And what if I can't help but tell someone? Whenever he says anything along those lines, I feel trapped, but I want to run. I just want to keep running and running and running until I hit the water and I'm truly down under. Is that normal?

But he's chasing me. He never goes away! I don't know at this point if we're in love or if he's stalking me and I've somehow fallen in love. It's like…I'm his, whether I want to be or not. But he's not mine. He'll never be mine. He never listens. He's just…there. And sometimes I want him. But other times, when he whispers all of those things, I'd rather be on the other side of the world, or at the very bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.

There were even nights where I pushed everything in front of my door, to keep him from sneaking in when I feigned sleep. But he got in, anyway. I don't even know how. Should I be scared? Sometimes, I have this feeling that he'll kill me in my sleep. But then I realize that he wouldn't; he loves me.

He wouldn't kill me, would he?

I feel like I'm going insane, Dr. Sullivan. I'm not going insane. I'm not going insane.

Right?

tobyequalshottness: I'm so glad you liked it! Jk, I'm pulling your leg. There will be happy ones in...a few more one-shots.

LittleBittyAbby: You dislike Toby? *gasp* Wait...then (not to be rude) why are you reading this? I'm just saying this because I'd hate read a fanfic involving someone like...Ian and putting them in a positive light. Nevertheless, I'm glad you read and (I assume) liked it. Sorry if you really hated it :(

AL3110: I'm friends with the monster under my bed! Ironically, I get along with the voices inside of my head. Sometimes. I guess parts of that one-shot were my inner-most, deepest fears. You just made me so depressed. And sand corns? I still have no idea what those are. They're both wrong (but both in the collection).

Sarah: Well, I'm glad you liked it. And I love you, too :)

MilaMizz: Well, I wanted to leave you with a Marina tweet, as a piece of advice: "If you think someone is being a d*ckhead, you should absolutely tell them." In other words: they will alwats be jerks, so you should expect it, practically, as sad as it is. Just hold your head up high. When it comes to the other girls, there's nothing you can really do but tell them what I just said to you. As sad as it is, there will always be a**holes like that. Fortunately, not every guy is like that. And the thing that bothers me the most was that she based her opinion pretty much solely upon the fact that she thinks she's "popular" (which isn't even true, because nobody in my school even knows who she is) and it's just ignorant to me. I have a reason that I don't like Nicki Minaj, and that's because I actually find her unpleasant to listen to, but at least I have a reason. She just doesn't like her because all her friends like her. And the difference between Nutella and Vegemite is that I know a ton of people who would eat plain Nutella. Speaking of Nutella, there were ants in mine the other day. Ew...

Alright, so now I will explain.

For those of my cherubs who have read "The Catcher in the Rye" by J.D. Salinger, you probably know that the entire novel is Holden's narrative from a psychological institution (a la Radley). That's what this one-shot is. And further explanation is that Toby's just Spencer's hallucination; he doesn't really exist. That's why it's so sad. She is really going insane and she loves him, but he's not real.

So I guess in this story, Toby never really existed; he was only in Spencer's mind. Anyway you spin it, it's sad.

The next one-shot is going to be I Want You Back by The Jackson 5 (but listen to the cover by The Civil Wars because they're just flawless, and that's the version I'm listening to). I'm still writing it as we speak, so I hope it's alright.

And although none of you care, today was the one-year anniversary of my Fabrastings story, "Enchanted" (which was actually originally #89, but I changed since I realized it would basically be the same as the prologue to that story). It's actually kind of sad for me because it's been a whole frickin year and I've only written 11 chapters. My poor followers. -Kayson