Day One

The night had passed slowly for not only myself, but the children as well. We had spent the better part of the night outside just hoping that he might turn around, that his figure would rapidly appear and tell us that it was all a mistake. I knew well that that was impossible, yet I could not help but hold the smallest amount of hope that today could be the exception. That impossible would cease to inspire the very fear that grew with the beats of every heart that stood within that courtyard. I watched the faces of my children, eyes red by a constant stream of tears, my face I was certain looked exactly the same. I had not the heart to pull them inside because the act of turning our backs meant acknowledging that he was not coming back. What would I say to them? How would we go on? It was not as if we could spend every passing day waiting for any news, they would not be able to handle the disappointment, it could be weeks before we heard anything. I could not go on encouraging them to hope either because that would be far worse than giving them nothing at all.

While I had known peace in my time as Lady of the North, my life before was filled with anything but. I had roamed the lands and seen mothers, fathers, wives and many others destroyed by entertaining hope. It had the ability to make men rise but had the greatest capacity to beat them down. Satoru I feared would get the worst of it. His reasons for doing this were entirely pure and I believed at the end of all this, if he survived...when he survived…. I could not even guess and was even more afraid to hope, afraid to believe that his promise was true because everything about him even as I held him spoke to the contrary. This was not something that could be said. There was fear evident in the eyes of even Sayuri, her father's little jewel. He had never left us like this and it left all of them with an emptiness that had settled in as the time continued to pass. Moving became impossible as time dragged and the moon climbed higher into the sky.

I felt warmth beside me and turned to see Itachirou staring out of the gates. From the corner of my eyes I caught another glimpse of white, and Sesshomaru had not moved from where he rooted himself some time before.

"I do wish you would reconsider staying out on nights like this." He said with a faint trace of humor.

I felt a warmth in my heart remembering words quite similar to those, what seemed like ages ago. My cheeks lifted in a smile just as a tear fell from my eyes. These were the moments that would get us through, things to others that may seem insignificant, but to us were monumental. These were the things that we lived by, especially when it came to Itachirou. While I knew that as a mother I should not rely on him to be our strength, I knew that having him would give me the strength I needed to be the mother and wife that they all needed. I would have draw from the strength that Satoru and I had instilled in them, the knowledge that as long as you had family you had everything you needed. Satoru might not be here but we still were, and for now at least that would have to be enough. It was more than enough.

His eyes softened slightly as I looked to him, he knew it was going to get harder. The sudden fear that I had felt only moments ago dissipated with each passing second that I met orbs as warming as the rising son. I loved my husband, but at moments like this I was never more grateful to Sesshomaru. I had initially thought that it was Sesshomaru's strength that had been handed to him, but in my years with Satoru I realized that true strength was capable by humans as well. We did not have longevity, our years are short and few, years we spend trying to hide from the inevitable. The power to rise above that was our greatest strength and made us just as capable as any demon. It was small, but I was happy to feel truly connected to him in some way, while still knowing that I relied on him more than I should. It was a burden he never seemed to feel the weight of. I loved him so much, my oldest and precious son.

I had rallied them up but unfortunately too late. I had spent most of the morning in the kitchen brewing teas and medicines that would ease their ever increasing fevers. Itachirou stationed himself in my room, where they had all decided to spend the night, so that I could leave them knowing they were being watched over. I had known some of the staff that still resided in the palace but even with something as small as this I would never entrust what could become their very lives to anyone who was not family. They had gotten sick in their short lives only once, the day they decided to hold an epic snowball fight and Satoru had happened to injure himself jumping off the roof in a pathetic attempt at an ambush. With that in mind my soul lightened, if he could not even defeat his own children what hope could he possibly have against an entire army.

The reality of it settled on me with more weight then before and my thoughts returned to my studies. I was thankful now for all of the years that I had spent with Lady Kaede and Kagome, as the winter here proved slightly colder than the North I was certain that my knowledge of herbs would come in handy. I readied more hot water and gathered clean rags so that I might change them out, if I did not break this fever their bodies could only worsen. Being of mixed blood, I was never certain which way the medicines turn, they could either jump back after a couple days or weeks would pass with uncertainty. I heaved the heavy cauldron through the empty halls that only yesterday were filled with his voice. If I had been home, the pain would certainly be worse.

In my heart I knew that to be untrue. At home we were free to be ourselves, and I could not forget that somewhere in this vast palace we were entrapped with a demon lord who despised everything about our way of life. His own children were not above his scrutiny and if it was not Satoru's absence that would make this hard, the truth about the man with whom we stayed made it impossible. Would we go on in peace? I had not seen him since we had entered the palace last night… He had stayed. Last night I had seen that he had made no move to leave, even an hours of so after Satoru had left. Like Itachirou, he stood rooted like a temple statue showing no signs of discomfort and I had almost thought he was concerned about us. That thought disappeared from my mind as instantly as it had come knowing how he felt about my children. Still, I could not explain why he would waste time which certainly could be filled with other things, with us. We, who were nothing but dirt in his eyes.

The unknown was to hard to resist and as my mind delved further I felt a sense of guilt. Thoughts like this occupied my mind after we had kissed, I remember the look in Satoru's eyes when he found out. He wished to feel pain, he wished he had the right to feel what he felt. It was almost as if when we got here, he felt he no longer had the right to have me which could not be any further from the truth. In fact it was the exact opposite, he had done so much for me, loyalty was not to much to ask for especially from someone who claimed to love you. My claim was not heartless, while I had to admit it was different then what I once felt for Sesshomaru, it was not an impure feeling. It was a love based off of understanding and reached into our very hearts to bind us together. There was a passion for each other, something new and unknown, that passion never left just changed form and produced five more beautiful children who I wished would find a love more like that.

I stopped at the sound of a sliding door. I caught Sesshomaru as he stepped out, his body focused on me as his eyes met mine with an empty glare. I looked from him and bowed before attempting to carry on down the hall hoping there was no need for conversation. My attempt to move proved useless as I carried myself further towards him and watched something in his eyes change. Dread filled my entire being and I only hoped he would not need to invite me into the room for whatever he obviously wished to say. I could not stomach the thought of being alone with him, especially now that we were truly alone. I counted the seconds we stood in this silence, they stretched the time awkwardly. I acknowledged his wish to speak and shifted slightly to allow a few more moments, the pot being slightly heavy. Hopefully this would be brief.

"I will have your things moved to your room this morning."

"I assure you that is not necessary."

"I believe that you and your...children would find comfort together in a wing of your own."

"What?" I could not pretend to understand what he meant. Though I knew the palace was grand and each wing had multiple rooms, they were never tended too. Even when I was a child the only room sought to was my own, the others I assumed had been left to rot and decay. He would not trouble himself so, not for my...children.

As he spoke, I found it harder and harder to believe it.

"The rooms are being prepared as we speak." He closed the distanced between us and a sigh escaped my lips as the weight of the cauldron was lifted from me.

"I can hold it." I tried to reach and he returned to his spot.

"The children are ill?"

"Yes. It is no surprise considering the conditions we were under last night."

"Satoru."His jaw tensed, a small movement that could not go unnoticed. I had lived almost my entire life with the mannerisms of Sesshomaru. "He would not condone you risking your health. Or your children risking theirs."

"I know."

He started down the hall, pot still in hand and it took a few moments for me to realize where he was going. I jumped to catch up to him and the moments it took to reach our quarters passed silently. I looked at him occasionally wondering how it was that I could ever hate this man? On the outside, he was a true beauty, perhaps he held the very same grace as his father and I could see why a human could fall in love with him. Inside, I had the fortune of seeing a soul that was far more beautiful. He had the power to be compassionate, that power rivaled even his great strength. I suspected that was what I saw as a little girl. I did not love him for the right reasons, I loved him because he was there. In the time of my absence perhaps that was what had done the damage, him knowing the truth of my feelings while the truth of his even to this moment remained a mystery. It was not fair to either of us.

It would certainly never be to Satoru with whom I had the fortune of finding on my own. I had come to love him with my own heart. I had seen some of the evils and the good things that resided in the world and for that I gained knowledge. I had fallen in love with a man who could see me as a woman because to him there was nothing else. I smiled at the thought. Then with an arrow of ice I felt a pain in my chest. If I had claimed my feelings of love for Sesshomaru, acknowledging now that they were empty and shallow...Had I done worse to Satoru? I was nothing, felt nothing, if not broken when I left Sesshomaru. Though my intentions were good I had caused far greater damage than I intended. Had I hurt Satoru with the same childish heart that only days ago longed for Sesshomaru? No. How could two loves reside in one being? I was a different person when he came into my life, I have to believe it, because no matter what I did. Satoru believed it.

I would have to hold that until I saw my husband again. Then man that I love, my best friend and greatest companion. My days with him were over, whatever regrets I may hold must remain with me. In Satoru's absence the days could only darken and I would not sully them further by thinking of another man. By regretting the pain I had caused him just because he attempted a few small acts of kindness. He did not like me or children, I had to remember that while not forgetting he was a friend of the North. I as Lady must not forget my station.

"I am grateful." I said quietly.

That was all that I could say that was close to the truth. He did not have to take us in, yet he did. He did not have to risk his palace and position to do so, though I know him more than capable of defending his own. He gave us rooms to ensure extra comfort which went beyond what was asked of him, even from Satoru. These were small impositions that the Sesshomaru I knew would never have made. These small things were become more impossible as time went on and the children healed. He would get a glimpse of the restless life that I had lived the last nine years in the North, and I prayed it would not be too much for him. Still, Satoru had asked this of him and knowing Sesshomaru, he must have thought of this entire situation from every possible angle. Satoru certainly did knowing our past. What set his mind at ease?

We stopped outside my door and Sesshomaru turned, my head almost hitting his chest. I stood so close to him now, staring straight into eyes that rippled a silent plea. My heart beat faster and I had to beat into my own head to step back, breathing a sigh of relief when I did. An uncommon chill ran through me the further I got, only two steps, I pushed it to the center of my being hoping that it would disappear. I took the steaming pot he held out for me and watched him brush past me. Without thought my eyes followed his back as he disappeared further and further down the hall. It was brief, but I felt something. Something I immediately knew I should not have. It felt both warming and cold at the same time and I could not help but wonder why. Satoru crept back into my mind and I felt the guilt of those warm feelings. In the back of my mind I knew that it was well founded, these were not thoughts a married woman should have no matter how innocent they might be. Did he know this would happen? What made it so easy for him to leave me at the doorstep of this man?

He appeared once as though he were not coming back. It is easier to leave the ones you love somewhere they will be safe, even if you know you will never see them again. No. He promised, I made him promise that he would return. He would come back. Satoru has never broken a promise to me. From the first time we met he was always true, a far cry from what I was, and I had to trust in that. This palace was my past, it would not be our future. Still those eyes, the eyes that spoke against every word he said were etched into my heart. He did not want to go and that echoed in every last moment we had together, but his touches were far more distant. It was as if he were saying goodbye, and a small part of me knew that that was how you could leave the family you loved in the arms of another.