I do not own RvB or RWBY
After multiple tries, and accidentally dropping him a couple of times, Ruby, Weiss, and Doc were finally able to get Caboose on his feet.
"Oh thank you," Caboose said gratefully. "It was getting very lonely down there. Especially since the Ruby the floor stopped talking to me."
"Caboose, I'm Ruby," Ruby corrected.
"What a funny coincidence, the floor's name is also Ruby," Caboose said, not understanding at all what Ruby meant.
"Yes, it really is a funny coincidence," Ruby said smiling, not bothering to correct him anymore.
"Now that we have him up, can we please go see if Church made any progress?" Weiss suggested.
"Ooh, you know Church!" Caboose said excitedly. "We're the best of friends. I shall go see him." Caboose then ran outside as quickly as he could.
Weiss sighed. "Let's go." They all soon followed Caboose outside.
Once they were outside, they saw Caboose beside Church. Caboose was holding Church's sniper rifle and seemed to be waving it around. They then heard the sounds of an argument beginning to start.
"Someone needs to go make sure Church doesn't do anything stupid, like hurt Caboose," Ruby suggested.
"That sounds like a good suggestion," Weiss said. "Doc, why don't you-"
However, Weiss saw that Doc and Ruby were now busy talking to the baby alien and not paying attention to anything else.
"I guess I'll talk to them then," Weiss said begrudgingly.
She approached Church, who was currently yelling at Caboose.
"It's a person!" Church shouted. "In yellow armor, we already established that!"
"Oh look," Caboose said. "The lady who isn't Ruby is coming this way."
"What?" Church said. He then saw Weiss approaching them. "Oh great, what do you want?"
"I just want to know how your call to Command went," Weiss said, though she could already guess his answer.
"Well, you'll be disappointed to know that I couldn't get them on the line," Church said. "Oh by the way, great job leaving your friends to help the Reds. Real smart move," he finished sarcastically.
"What do you mean?" Weiss asked.
Church pried the sniper rifle out of Caboose's hands. "See for yourself." He then gave the sniper rifle to Weiss.
Though it was a bit heavy, Weiss was able to lift it up. She looked through the lens of the rifle and moved it around. She eventually stopped moving it when she spotted Blake and Yang together with the Reds. They weren't at the Red base as initially discussed, but instead were standing around and talking beside the other ship. There seemed to also be a new soldier present, this one in yellow armor.
"What exactly am I suppose to be looking at?" Weiss asked as she looked at Church.
"I'll tell you what it is," Church said. "Your friends were supposed to go with the Reds to their base to help you get home. Instead, they decided to help them open the ship, and now they have a new soldier with them."
"What's your point?" Weiss asked, not really understanding why Church was panicking.
"My point is now the Reds have their backup from Command, and who knows what other hell he's capable of," Church said. "I mean, he's in yellow armor. What the hell is yellow suppose to mean!? And it's all your friend's fault."
"Excuse me!?" Weiss said incredulously.
"That doesn't sound like a nice thing to say," Caboose noted.
"Yeah, you heard me princess," Church said. "If your friends didn't help the Reds with their ship problem, the Reds wouldn't have their extra help. So, thanks for nothing!"
"Well, I have never heard anything so ridiculous!" Weiss shouted. "If you don't want us around, then I suggest you help us find a way back as soon as possible."
"Well, you two don't seem to have found anything helpful either," Church said.
"Well we're trying!" Weiss shouted.
"Oh really," Church said. He then pointed behind her. Weiss turned to see what he was pointing at. From across them, Doc and Ruby were speaking with the baby alien.
"See, my suit is purple," Doc said to the alien. "Can you say purple? Pur?"
"Honk," the alien replied.
"Pull."
"Hnnnk." The alien replied.
"And this cloak is red," Ruby said, holding up her cloak. "Can you say red?"
"Blarg," the alien responded. Ruby simply squealed at it.
"Great!" Doc said. "And when we're done teaching you all the colors, we'll teach you why you shouldn't judge people by them."
Weiss facepalmed at the display, which didn't really help her earlier statement. Before she could say anything further to Church, they were interrupted by the appearance of another soldier who came out of Blue base. This soldier was in an aqua-colored armor.
"Well, look who's awake," Church said.
"I'm assuming that this is another one of your Blue soldiers," Weiss guessed.
"Yeah," Church said. "Though I think the word 'soldier' is a little too much of compliment." He then addressed the new arrival. "Hey Tucker."
"What the fuck happened?" Tucker asked.
This time, it was Caboose who spoke up ."Oh well, uh as you may recall, you were, um, impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission-"
As Caboose continued his overly specific explanation, Tucker turned to Church. "Can I please get the short version."
"You got knocked up, you got knocked out," Church replied.
"He was what!" Weiss said in confusion and disgust.
"Oh yes," Caboose said. "Tucker gave birth to an alien baby."
Weiss then realized where the alien they saw earlier came from, which just disgusted her even further.
"Hey Church," Tucker said. "Who's the chick?"
"Oh right," Church said. "Tucker, this is Weiss. She, her friend Ruby over there, and her other friends apparently came from another dimension, and now they're stuck here."
"Huh. That sounds rough," Tucker said, not seemingly fazed by the whole 'other dimension' thing.
"You have no idea how hard this whole thing has been," Weiss muttered.
"I'm pretty sure I know how hard my thing is right now" Tucker said. "Bow chicka bow wow."
Weiss' face turned red in a mix embarrassment and anger. "You are all just-!" She didn't finish the sentence and just walked away in disgust.
"Yeah," Tucker said. "She digs me."
"Dude, she's seventeen," Church clarified.
"Aw," Tucker said, disappointed. "Well, there's always her friends."
"They're all underage," Church clarified. "Don't be creepy."
"Hey, don't worry, you know what I say," Tucker said. "Keep it clean, if they're under eighteen."
"We have more important problems than your potential pedophile charge," Church said.
"What problems?" Tucker asked.
"The Reds just got themselves a new soldier," Church said, indicating the other team.
"Who? The girl in the yellow armor?" Tucker said, as he looked where Church was pointing.
"What?" Church said, confused. "That's a girl?"
"Duh," Tucker said. "The one talking with the two other girls, who, I might add, look totally hot."
"Again, underage," Church repeated.
"You have really good eyes," Caboose commented.
"Well, I have to," Tucker said. "I never get to use the fucking sniper rifle."
"Are you positive it's a girl?" Church asked. "How can you be sure?"
"Dude, look who you're talking to," Tucker said.
Despite wondering what exactly happened with Donut, Blake and Yang saw that the Reds seemed to place their focus back to Sister.
"So anyway," Sister continued speaking. "After I signed up, they sent me here. They said your Commander died, and I needed to replace the missing man."
"Our Commander's not dead!" Sarge said. "I'm our Commander!"
"And an excellent one at that, Sir," Simmons said.
Yang coughed loudly, while saying "suck up" under her breath.
"Nice," Grif commented at Yang's insult. "I normally use the words 'kiss ass'"
"Both of you quit yer yappin!" Sarge shouted at the two. "We have a serious case of misinformation!"
"Are you sure you didn't make a mistake?" Blake asked Sister.
"Nope," Sister said. "Command specifically said that the Commander died, so now one of the troops is going to be promoted, and I have to replace the missing troop."
"Wait a minute," Simmons said excitedly. "What's this about a promotion?"
Upon hearing Simmons' excited tone, Yang nudged Blake. "Sounds like things just got interesting."
"It sounds like Command made mistake," Sarge stated.
"I don't know Sarge," Girf said. "You always say Command never makes mistakes. I guess that means you're dead."
"Seriously, about this promotion," Simmons said, his tone now overly eager and demanding. "Did Command say who would get promoted? Someone in maroon armor."
"Hey, you're getting really scary," Sister said. "That's kinda hot."
"Sarge," Grif said. "I just want to say, I'm really sorry you're dead."
"I'm also sorry you're dead," Yang said, placing a hand on Sarge's shoulder, while also trying not to crack up from laughter.
"Don't be stupid!" Sarge shouted at them both. "Or in your case, Grif, even more stupid. How can I be dead if I'm standing right here?"
"Well Sarge, if Command was wrong about you being dead, maybe they're wrong about other stuff too?" Grif said. "Like, what if the Blues don't suck?" He then gave an exaggerated gasp. "What if the Blues are actually awesome? This changes everything!"
"Sarge," Blake said. "You can't actually be buying this?"
Sarge said nothing for several moments. Blake could tell that he was deep in thought.
"Men!" Sarge shouted. "Grab the shovels from the Warthog!"
Blake lowered her head and groaned in resignation. She knew where this was going, and did not enjoy it or what would follow.
"We got a grave to dig and a funeral to prepare!"
"Dearly beloved," Simmons began. "We are gathered here today, to pay our final respects to Sarge."
"But I was so young!" Sarge wept. "And violent."
"This is ridiculous," Blake whispered to Yang.
"I know," Yang smiled. "Isn't it fun?"
"We should be going around their base right now," Blake insisted. "Not standing out here for a fake funeral."
"Oh have a little fun once in a while Blake," Yang said.
"And now," Simmons continued. "Grif has asked to say a few things about our beloved Sarge."
"Hello everybody!" Grif said as he stepped into the front. "Now before I begin, I would like to ask one of our new arrivals to come on up. You know, to help with our remembrance. Please step forward, Yang!"
When she heard Yang's name, Blake thought it might have been a mistake. She was soon proven wrong when Yang stepped forward. Blake knew that this was not going to end well.
"Thank you, thank you!" Yang said as she grinned and waved her hands and stood next to Grif. "So Grif, I've been told that there were some things you wish you could've said to your sergeant. If he was here right now, what would you tell him?"
"Well Yang, what would I say to Sarge?" Grif said. "Other than 'good riddance'. Heyooo!"
Only Sister laughed at the joke.
"Wow Grif, what a killer thing to say," Yang said.
Blake facepalmed at Yang's terrible attempt at a pun.
"But seriously, Sarge was a good soldier," Grif continued. "Now, he makes a better corpse. Zing!"
"What kind of eulogy is this!" Sarge yelled.
"Please be silent while the show, I mean speech, is ongoing," Yang said.
"And if Sarge's accent wasn't any indication how he was gonna end up in this war, then he'll probably have a long chat about it with all his brothers from the South," Grif said. "Hooo!"
"Alright, that's enough!" Sarge shouted. "Simmons, get up there with your speech on the double, or we're gonna be having two funerals today.
"On it Sir," Simmons then headed up the front. "Both of you, get off now!"
"So long folks," Grif said. "I'll be here all day."
"Out with a Yang!" Yang shouted as she waved goodbye. She then went back beside Blake, who was giving her a dirty look.
"What was that!" Blake said.
"I know, I didn't even get to use my good material," Yang said. "I finally thought of something that can go with the word 'Sarge'."
Blake gave a venomous glare.
"What?" Yang said. "Grif wanted my help with his routine. How could I say no?"
"It's a simple word to say," Blake muttered.
"Lighten up," Yang said. "We can't force these guys to move any faster, so might as well go with the flow."
Blake just groaned. "Let's just get this over with."
"Hello everyone. I have a few words to say about Sarge," Simmons said. "As you all know, Sarge was a magnificent leader and an inspiration to all of us."
Beside her, Blake could here Sarge beginning to cry at Simmons' words. She just rolled her eyes.
"He had accomplished many things in his life," Simmons continued. "But I believe that his greatest accomplishment was developing my considerable skills as a soldier and your new leader."
"Huh?" Sarge said, confused at Simmons' words.
"With Sarge's untimely death, there is now a gap in the structure of Red Team," Simmons continued. "A gap that I intend to fill, as a man with a new vision for Red Team."
"Oh no," Blake said, realizing what Simmons was doing.
"Sarge, I think Simmons is campaigning for your job at your funeral," Grif realized. "Classy."
Simmons continued speaking. "When you make the decision of who you would choose to be your leader, know that you will choose a candidate that Sarge would have wanted you to choose. Choose Simmons. It's the only thing Sarge did in life, so don't let his whole existence be in vain. In conclusion, Sarge is dead, vote for me."
"Awesome speech!" Grif shouted.
Yang whistled as a sign of cheering, though Blake elbowed her to stop.
"Sister, you're up," Simmons said as he stepped down.
"Awesome!" Sister said, stepping upfront.
"You couldn't even wait for me to be buried, could ya," Sarge said.
"Sorry Sir," Simmons said. "But your death was in the past and we need to look to the future. A future filled with Simmons."
"You do know that he's not really dead," Blake said to Simmons.
"Right," Simmons said absentmindedly. "Not really dead."
"Hey everybody," Sister began. "I'm new here, so I didn't know Sargeant that well, but I knew he was really old, and that's gross."
Grif and Yang both stifled a laugh.
"And when you're old and gross, there's real chance you're gonna die, which is sad," Sister said. "But I guess you'll be with your friends, who are probably dead too. And if they're not, then they just really old, which is way sadder than being dead. So, I guess that's it. Peace out."
"Alright then," Simmons said. "Blake, it's your turn."
"Wait, what!?" Blake said, not expecting this at all. "I can't say anything. I don't even know Sarge that well."
"Well, you've known him longer than Grif's sister, and she got to speak," Yang pointed out.
Eventually, Blake was forced into the front after Yang gave her a push.
"Hello," Blake said shyly, not knowing what to say next. After a few moments, she realized something. "Okay, you know what, this is just ridiculous."
"You're telling me," Sarge said. "I'm the one whose dead."
"But you're not," Blake said. "You're not dead. I don't need to eulogize you, because you're not dead. This whole thing is completely ridiculous."
"Okay, that enough out of you," Simmons said as he rushed to pull Blake out of the front. "Alright, it's time to bury the deceased. Sarge, get in the hole."
"No Sarge, don't," Blake said.
"Sorry little lady," Sarge said. "Command says I'm dead, so I have to be. Command's never wrong."
"Yes, they can be wrong," Blake said. "Especially, with something this stupid."
"No can do," Sarge said. "I have to follow this through, and there's nothing anyone can do-"
Sarge was cut off as soon as Blake knocked Sarge right in the head with a sheathed Gambol Shroud.
"Hurk," Sarge let out as he crumpled to the ground, unconscious.