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Chapter Eleven

Jane smiled as soon as she noticed the jugglers on the bridge. A few groups of tourists had gathered in order to cheer up the two young men while someone played saxophone down the street. She cast a glance at the buildings on the left before briefly looking at Notre-Dame-de-Paris in her back. The view she had from the Saint Louis Bridge was cliché but in its most pleasant form and she suddenly had the feeling to be in a movie.

Within a short walking distance, Paris had ceased to be the modern capital it actually was. From the Île Saint-Louis, time seemed to have got suspended. The Seine was peacefully sliding along the Hausmannian buildings before finding its way under one of the four bridges that connected the small island to the rest of the city. It looked like a movie set, a very old movie set. Jane loved it.

She and Maura stopped for a few minutes to observe the jugglers. They had all the time in the world anyway.

"They're always here." Maura gave Jane a smile. They had overslept and had decided to skip breakfast in order to visit Notre-Dame instead. Maura knew a nice restaurant on the island that was just a five-minute walk from the cathedral. Everything was perfect. "I've never crossed this bridge without an artist standing on it."

"Can we go downstairs? By the Seine?"

Of course Maura enthusiastically nodded at Jane. One more time she was very happy to see that her friend was so eager to discover the city. Their vacations seemed to have resumed after an ectic day of emotions and confessions. They were back on track. Together. It felt right.

Maura grabbed Jane by the arm and they began to walk anew towards the stairs that led to the bank of the river where seagulls were searching for food rather loudly. The sun caressed the tree-lined path and made the Seine glimmer like a river of diamonds.

"The Île Saint-Louis is one of the two natural islands in the Seine river in Paris. It is one of France's first example of urban planning. It was mapped and built from end to end during the 17-century reigns of Henri IV and Louis XIII."

As they reached the cobblestoned path by the river, Maura immediately took on her right. Jane followed without saying a word. She looked up at the sky as the sun disappeared under big gray clouds. It would rain. Soon enough. The air smelled of rain and the wind blew hard. But she couldn't care less.

She was with Maura right now and the rest had very little importance.

"Come with me. I want you to see the west point of the island. It's... It's a bit iconic."

The walk was very pleasant. They neither heard the sound of the traffic nor the brouhaha of the tourists' conversations from where they were. The feeling to be alone with Maura in spite of being in the heart of Paris overwhelmed Jane. She swallowed hard before taking a deep breath in order to calm down a bit.

She hadn't slept well. Too many things had happened the day before. When she had opened her eyes in the morning, she had faced a different reality than the one she had known until now. She was fine with it but something bothered her.

Something that she couldn't name.

Maura was still the same though. She hadn't changed. She had simply opened up about herself. The truth was that the discomfort Jane felt didn't even come from Maura. It came from herself. And she didn't know what to do of it.

"There." Maura went to sit on the bench as they reached the west point of the island. The tree-lined path was quiet. The view was spectacular, just as promised. "I often come here when I stop by Paris."

Jane nodded.

She was standing by the bench, her hands sunk in the pockets of her jeans. She didn't feel like sitting down. Not just yet. Maura didn't seem to mind the distance between their respective bodies.

"It's so peaceful here... If I ever had to live in Paris then I would buy an apartment on this island. What do you think?"

Jane turned around in order to look at the buildings but she couldn't see any for she was standing way too close to the wall. She made a few steps backwards – towards the Seine – to observe the architecture of the area. She then nodded.

"I can picture you out here, indeed. Why don't you do it?"

"Do what?!"

Jane laughed lightly. She shrugged with an unusual nonchalance before motioning the buildings anew. She thought she had been clear enough. She looked at Maura.

"Why don't you move here?"

"Because my life is in Boston." With you. Maura looked down at her lap. She had swallowed back the last two words before them to have a chance to pass her lips. There were some things that she couldn't say anymore. "I like France but..."

Of course it was easy for Jane to suggest such possibility. Maura pursed her lips. Jane was leaving. She was turning the page over Boston. She didn't have any issue with any geographical distance. But it was different for Maura. Very different.

She was attached to Boston and to the people she knew there.

Jane's family was the family that Maura had always wanted to have. Jane had brought her a lot more than just a strong friendship. During these past few years, some of Maura's craziest dreams had come true. Thanks to Jane. So she couldn't go away like that. She couldn't abandon all this as if all the things she had built didn't mean anything.

"But what if you met someone here? Would you still go back to Boston?"

The question was fair or at least genuine but the idea sounded completely uncongruous to Maura. How could she meet someone somewhere? She had already met someone. The issue was that this someone would never be hers. Or at least not in the way she hoped to. She shook her head vehemently as a tired smile played on her lips.

"That won't happen, Jane. It can't happen."

"Why? You're still young, and beautiful. And smart. There must be plenty of French people eager to meet you. Or anyone. There are many nationalities in this city."

The first rain drops began to fall. Jane moved to stand under a tree nearby but Maura remained on the bench. She didn't care about the rain. She didn't care about anything anymore but about the oddness of the unexpected conversation she was now having with Jane. She was playing with fire and she knew that she would lose the game.

Resignation passed underneath her skin and got betrayed by the heavy sigh of surrender that passed her lips.

"It can't happen because I've already met someone."

She had reached a point of no-return. Her emotional fatigue was on the verge of exploding into a thousand words that she had been holding back for too long. She hadn't forgotten about the consequences – about the impact what she was about to say would have on the upcoming minutes and on the rest of her life – but she was done.

She was so done with pretending that everything was fine.

"What?!"

The perplexity that showed in Jane's reaction didn't surprise her the slightest bit. It pressed a bit more on her shoulders maybe but her loneliness was such that she was fine with the idea of hitting the depths of her painful heart.

"It's you, Jane." Maura bit her lips. She swallowed hard then turned her head in order to look at her friend. "It's always been you."

I'm making a mistake. Right now. I'm sitting next to you and I'm telling you the only thing I don't want you to ever know. Something's happening. Is this the end? Sadly I doubt that it's only the beginning. How I wish it were...

I sweep away the decisions I had taken yesterday with a confusing easiness. Everything collapses. Right now. I can see it on your face. Yesterday you learned about Anita and indirectly about the other women and today I drop this bomb on you with all the unfairness my soul is made of. I'm sorry to be so blunt, Jane. I'm sorry if I'm in love with you.

I'm sorry if I hurt you.

Maura shrugged as she realized how tactless she had been. She hadn't used any transition. She hadn't brought up the subject subtly. She had been very blunt instead. Too blunt, actually.

A man appeared on their right. He was walking his dog. He timidly looked at Jane – then at Maura – before disappearing anew at the corner of the west point. The intrusion barely lasted a minute but it resulted enough to break the pace of an already upside down moment.

Jane blinked. The rain was falling harder now.

Maura finally stood up. She was soaked wet and rain drops were forming transparent diamonds on her graceful traits. She came closer to Jane. Slowly. Bitterly.

"I'm sorry."

Everything went fast. Too fast. Maura barely had time to capture Jane's lips in a kiss that Jane had already made a step backwards. She turned away and left while mumbling an inaudible reply.

This is it. See? I knew that it would happen. I knew that you would run away from me. I knew right from the start. I don't trust my instinct but there's nothing instinctive here. It's just pure logic.

I shouldn't have kissed you. I shouldn't have told you that I'm in love with you. I should have kept appearances up instead and life would have gone on. We would have spend the rest of the month together then you would have left for a life I'm not part of.

I'm not angry with you. I've just taken you aback and I've lacked politeness. What kind of person forces a friend into a kiss like that? Without any warning?

In the rain.

You're my first kiss in the rain, Jane.

And probably the last one as well.