Author's Note: Another intentionally ambiguous one-shot.

Day One-Hundred Sixty-Four: Telling Myself by Sami Akbari

"Do it, Spencer."

"It'll make you feel better."

I picked up the plate and stared for a moment. It felt so heavy in my hand. Well…everything seemed heavy, even air. Sometimes, I felt like the heaviness of air would be enough to crush me.

Finally, I threw it at the wall, which they'd been talking me into for the last fifteen minutes. I felt so much better. What was this feeling?

Catharsis.

I let myself smile very slightly. It still hurt to think of him, but at least I knew—somewhere in the very back of my mind—that I'd be okay, someday. Maybe someday would be a year, or a month, or a week from now. Maybe someday would be tomorrow.

I trusted Toby. Everything happened so…suddenly that I could barely wrap my mind around it. Most things about our relationship seemed sudden, like little spur-of-the-moment events, but at least they kind of happened for a reason. This all just felt like a completely random occurrence.

Obviously, it wasn't, since he had to have been calculating his moves on the A Team for quite some time.

Still, it felt like he just decided to change his mind about me and about us. I never thought I would miss him so much—especially after what he did to me. I never thought that I would be so weak that I would willingly go back to someone who had hurt me so badly. But if he called me…

I couldn't even afford to think about it in that way.

I just wanted to know what it was that made him turn so bad. He always seemed so hopeful and genuine. I don't know what changed, or when it changed.

Maybe he was fooling me the entire time and he was the biggest liar of us all. I still felt like he just ignored the feelings we had, or at least, the feelings I had for him. That was never a lie.

But to him, maybe it was all just a game.

"Here," Hanna said as she handed me a rose-colored vase. I took it reluctantly. "Come on, Spencer. You deserve better. It'll make you feel better and get out all the anger you shouldn't even waste on him."

I bit my lip before throwing it at the wall again.

There was that same feeling of purification.

Hanna was right; I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve all the pain, or the anger, or the sadness. I didn't deserve having to stare at all the things I still had of his. I didn't deserve everything that A was doing to us. I deserved better than Toby Cavanaugh.

At least, that's what I kept telling myself.

"I know someone that you could maybe go out with," Aria insisted from behind as she took off the protective glasses.

Maybe it was foolish to be looking for someone, but I'd already made a fool of myself. I had nothing more to lose.

I didn't deserve to be lonely forever.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Sarah: Tbh, I really wanted Spencer and Toby to be on the A Team FOR REALSIES. That would've been SO interesting. Same.. Wow. We can talk about it in PMs if you prefer. I just need to make sure you're okay with lgbtq+ stuff, right? Love exists. It really does.

AL3110:Speaking of Tali, I am PISSED because I thought the writers said that there would be a Tali scene in Season 5! WTF PLL? Tali would be SO interesting to see pan out. Now I'm annoyed.

MilaMizz: I have to wake up at 6:30 and I go to bed at like 11:30. Oops, that's not 8 hours. 7 is close to 8. I hope you liked this one!

Good news: orientation didn't kill me! Though, I did almost pass out from heat exhaustion (it was like 90 flipping degrees with no breeze AND we were out in the sun playing Frisbee).

The next one-shot will be Missing You by Anna Ayers and I personally like the song and the direction the one-shot is going in :)

Tell me what you thought of the PLL finale after the episode airs! I probably disliked it (that's my pre-watching prediction), but I'll still do my theorizing. -Kayson

Oh, yeah, and OFFICER TOBY.