No one had even seen them before. No one. He'd kept them hidden for close to 30 years. Now here she was, not only seeing them, but she was touching his back… touching the scars. And he was letting her. Daryl had always expected to react with anger if anyone came close. But he didn't feel that at all. He felt something he never expected - He felt relief. It was shocking and overwhelming.
Her words echoed in his ears, "I am so sorry. I am so sorry." Daryl could feel her fingers lightly tracing the scars, though he'd lost sensation in some areas. What made her think it was okay to touch him like that? Daryl wondered. And why didn't he care? Why was he allowing it? And was he… enjoying it?
Carol looked at him again, her beautiful blue eyes pooled with moisture. She reached out and brushed something off his cheek. Was that a tear? Was… he… crying? Daryl was so mesmerized, in such a state of shock, that he didn't even realize there were tears rolling down his cheeks. "C'mere," she said softly, moving in front of him and pulling his head down to her shoulder. Carol wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly.
That was all it took for decades of hidden pain to finally break through the walls he'd built up. Daryl felt his entire body go slack in her arms. The tears were coming, fast, hard, followed by sobs as his shoulders shook. So much pain. The memories. The abuse. The anger. It was all coming out, through his eyes, ripping his heart apart on their way out. It hurt. It hurt so much. But she felt good. Her arms around him. Her touch. The way she cried with him.
When his legs would no longer hold him Daryl started to slip towards the floor. Carol sunk down with him, never letting go, even for a second. She clung to him as a reminder he wasn't alone. Daryl honestly had no idea how long they stayed there. His head had drifted down to her chest and she was gently stroking his hair. The towel that had been around his waist was loose, but still mostly covering him in their current position. Yet, oddly, nudity was the last thing on his mind at that point.
Somehow he got the courage to lift his head and look at her. Carol's face was wet with tears, her eyes puffy and red. She'd felt his pain and cried with him. Daryl had never felt more connected to anyone in his entire life. As much as he knew he didn't need to feel embarrassed about what just happened, it was second nature for him. If it wasn't her he'd broke down in front of, anyone but her, it would have been the single most mortifying moment of his entire life. "Hey, no… Daryl don't…" She let go of him and cupped his face. "Please don't feel that way. I don't know what happened to you, but I know you didn't deserve it and it wasn't your fault." She brushed at the remainder of the tears with her thumbs. "Don't be ashamed for letting me share in your pain. And please, please believe me when I say - I understand"
Daryl had no idea what to say so he simply nodded. He didn't know what that last part meant, about her understanding, but be did believe her because he could both see and feel her empathy. She didn't offer any more than that and it hurt even more to know she had felt the same pain at some point in her life. Maybe one day she would trust him enough to tell him, but Daryl knew she was keeping this moment about him and he appreciated her effort. Without knowing exactly how to react he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "No one has ever seen them."
Carol looked shocked. "No one? Ever?" He saw her took a deep breath. "Not even Merle?"
"Especially not Merle," Daryl replied, feeling the anger boiling inside him. For many years he'd blamed Merle for what had happened to him. When he finally got over it he vowed his brother would never know the truth.
She looked very confused. "But… you've been with… women…" she mumbled, looking embarrassed the second the words left her mouth. "I'm sorry, that was inappropria…"
"No," Daryl cut her off. He wanted her to understand. "I, uh… only removed what I had to when I needed to," he explained. "Sides, there's never really been anyone who's got close enough…" He didn't finish the statement. It was a huge admission that he'd never trusted anyone else enough to tell them, or show them his back.
"I didn't mean to…" Carol started. "I just… I had to pee and walked in because, I mean, I live alone… I'm not used to having someone in my…"
"It's okay," Daryl interrupted again. "I didn't, well, I didn't mind." It suddenly hit him that he hadn't asked to use her shower. "Oh, I'm sorry," he stammered. "I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep and I was still feeling bad so I thought a shower might help…."
Carol started to laugh. "Listen to us, both apologizing for things we don't need to be sorry for." She stood up and turned around, clearly aware he would need to reposition the towel. Daryl got to his feet and wrapped himself up again. "How are you feeling anyway? From earlier?" she asked, without turning.
"My head is fuckin' pounding, but other than that, I'm okay," he admitted.
Carol turned around. "Listen, don't know about you but I'm still pretty tired. It's too early to get up." Daryl nodded in agreement. He did feel spent, likely emotional exhaustion from what they just experienced. "And, I really do have to pee," she added with an apologetic look. "The laundry room is right next door, mind getting dressed in there?"
"Course not," Daryl replied, gathering his clothes and leaving her. It was strange to just walk out, his bare back in her direction, when all his life he'd been so careful to keep that secret. When Daryl was dressed he stepped out of the room, preparing to head back to the couch.
Carol was waiting in the hallway. "Well, goodnight I guess," he stammered awkwardly, taking a step in the opposite direction of where she would be headed.
"Daryl... Wait." He stopped and turned back. "It's been an emotional night... I, Uh.. I have a king bed. It's way comfier than the couch." She was blushing. He'd only seen that happen one other time and it threw him. "I'm not suggesting anything more than sleep," she said, blushing harder. "I just..." she sighed and met his eye. "I really don't feel like being alone. And if I don't, I suspect maybe you don't either?"
Daryl shook his head to agree. She was right. He was used to being alone, but there was something heartbreaking at the thought of being away from her so soon after a moment like that. "You sure?" He felt the need to give her one last chance to change her mind.
Carol reached out her hand to him. Again, this was something odd and new for him, but it seemed to be the night for that. Daryl took her hand and enjoyed the comfort of her touch and the thrilling feeling it sent through his body when she squeezed gently. If anyone had told him she would be taking his hand and leading him to her bedroom that night Daryl never would have believed it. Given these were very different circumstances, it still a shocking, though very welcomed development.
"I want to apologize now," Carol spoke, as they entered her bedroom.
"For what?" Daryl asked, expecting it to be something to do with her sleeping habits.
"I'm really big into psychology these days," she started. "I like learning about how humans think, act, why we do certain things and behave certain ways… It's… uh, it's helped me through a difficult time or two in my own life." There it was again, that little hint that there was something huge in her past that wasn't all sunshine and roses. He listened as she continued. "It tends to make me a good judge of character. It's why I knew right away the kind of person you really are. But," Carol paused. "I know myself, and I know that what I learned tonight will consume my thoughts. I don't want that to bother you, or hurt you. You've been through enough." Daryl felt a knot in his stomach, thinking this was her way of dismissing him come morning. "I want to give us a chance," she added. "I don't want to ruin that."
The relief was physical and Daryl let out a breath. "How can I help?" he asked. "If I tell you everything sometime... Would that, Uh, make it better or worse?"
Carol smiled at him and Daryl felt his heart flutter. "Not until you're absolutely sure you're ready. But yes, I'm sure that would help." She stopped at the end of the bed and looked up at him. Daryl was frozen in place as she moved up to her tiptoes and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. "Night Daryl," she whispered, heading for her side of the bed.
He moved to the other side and climbed in. Daryl could feel her presence even though she'd turned the lamp off and he couldn't see her anymore. But what he really missed, in a matter of seconds was her touch. "Uh Carol," he started to speak.
"Roll over," she replied. "I wouldn't do this for just anyone," she added in an amused tone.
Fuck, the woman could read him like a book. Daryl was sure whether that was intriguing or terrifying. But he rolled over and got exactly what he'd been looking for, so Carol's intuitiveness was a blessing in that moment. Daryl yawned as she settled her body against his back and reached an arm around him. Another time, another night, it could have been a very sexual moment. But as Daryl fell asleep all he could think about was how no one had comforted or protected him like Carol was since his mom died. For all her faults, she was still his mom and Daryl hadn't experienced that kind of unconditional love since the day his house burned with her inside. It was way too soon to think of Carol and love in the same sentence... Wasn't it?