Joel knocked on the door to Ellie's room late the next morning. The sun was high in the sky, and Ellie was not generally in the habit of oversleeping. Matt had left as night was falling, and apparently his and Ellie's absence for the evening was not made much of by anyone else. They had been simply hanging out together after the swimming escapade. Tommy and Maria, even Joel, were starting to be glad to see that she was able to lighten up a bit and find a friend in Matt, if nothing more. This time could not have been any different.

"Ellie –" Joel lifted his voice and rapped again. "Are you up?"

"You can come in," her voice replied, and Joel opened the door to see her sitting, fully dressed in the clothes she wore yesterday, crosslegged upon the rumpled bed.

"You feelin' okay? It's ten o'clock, kiddo."

"I'm fine." Her voice was small. Joel eased the door shut behind him, and Ellie heaved a sigh, pushing her hair back from her face. "I guess I should get dressed."

"You look dressed to me."

"Something clean. I wore this in the creek yesterday, it's going to need washing soon."

Joel chuckled. "Listen to you. Wore the same t-shirt and jeans for a couple 'a months, and now you 'n Maria do laundry every week." He crossed the room and peered out the window. "Sleep alright?" he asked.

Ellie shrugged. "I didn't really sleep."

Joel shook his head before turning, and making as if to go.

"Joel –" Ellie's voice had a catch to it that made the man pause.

"Ellie?" He turned back around to see her looking at her lap, her arms wrapped around herself. He sat on the edge of the bed. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah. Great," she murmured. "I just..." The girl propped one leg up and hid her face in her arm. "I'm gonna have to talk to Matt later and now it's all weird."

Joel's heart had dropped at her words, and suddenly his mind was in a whirl, making too much of her words, or too little, and just hoping, for some reason, that he had misunderstood her.

"What do you mean?" Joel asked, after a false beginning that ended in a cough. "He's a fine young man. He'll be around for work today, and you all can chat and do all the stuff you usually do... Maybe swim some more." He was rambling, and Ellie's eyes were fixed on him as he forced himself to a halt.

"He, ah... we – yesterday he and I –" Ellie stammered, her face a bright color. "He was here, and we'd talked about it, and he said he liked me and everything, and I decided to be cool with it, so he – we..." she broke off, her eyes full. "We did the... thing."

Joel hoped his face didn't reflect his thoughts. She was sitting here before him, a little girl – a young woman – and telling him this. That tall young man, that dark-haired Matt from Oklahoma, Ellie's only real friend and newest confidante, had – Betrayal was the word bouncing around in his mind, but Joel knew it wasn't like that. It couldn't have been. Ellie was a strong girl, and wasn't going to do something unless she'd set her mind to it. It was the sheer fact that she must have set her mind to it that baffled him.

"I see," Joel managed, nearly voicelessly. He nodded stupidly, not knowing what else to do, or say, until he lifted his eyes to see Ellie silently swiping at her damp cheeks. And he simply drew her in to a hug and let her cry into his shoulder. At last Ellie snuffled up the last of her tears and forced a laugh.

"I don't know why I'm crying."

Joel took a deep breath. "You sure you're okay with this?"

Ellie's head drooped. "I just – it just sorta happened, and it wasn't that bad, but the whole time, I was thinking –" Her head drooped still lower, her voice almost inaudible. "I don't know. But it was kinda hard."

"Do you love him?" Joel asked her very gently.

Without hesitation Ellie shook her head. "And it's nothing against him," she hurried, "because he's awesome, but it's just – I don't think that's love. We're just friends..."

"Doesn't sound like he thinks that way."

"I don't know what he thinks. He just said he liked me – that he loved me."

"Ellie –" Joel said, scratching his beard. "You're a smart girl, and you know what you want."

"No, I don't," she murmured. "Or I think I do, but I'm scared to, like, really let myself want it."

"What I mean is, you don't go head over heels when a guy says he likes you. Somebody can like you but that don't mean you have to like them back."

"I do like him," Ellie said. "Just not – like that."

Joel shifted on the bed. "What is it you're scared to want?"

Ellie hesitated for a long moment. "Love," she replied at last.

Joel took a deep breath. "I think everybody wants that, Ellie."

"I mean real love."

"What does real love mean?" Joel bent to retie his boot. "-To you?" he added, straightening up.

"Something I can't have," Ellie replied quickly. "I mean, that's really it. The one thing I've always wanted, but can't seem to find. I mean, there's other people I like," she sighed, "but I feel like there's something I should hold back all the time... because I know that I kinda want to find a person that I don't have to hold back, and have them to be the only one. And... I think that's real love." The girl squinted. "And that doesn't make sense at all, but a lot of stuff doesn't make sense and that doesn't make it any less true."

Joel chuckled, and odd sound in the quiet of the room. "You're right."

Ellie looked up at him. "I guess."

He put a heavy hand on her shoulder. "Do you want me to go find Maria and –"

"It's fine," Ellie said quickly. "It's okay. I actually think I'm going to hang out with Anna."

"Anna?" Joel scratched his beard. "That the girl that comes over here sometimes?"

"Yeah, really long hair," Ellie gestured. "She's really cool."

Joel inhaled deeply, standing up. "If you need anything, or want to talk, you tell me. I'll be in the generator room with Tommy, but I ain't stayin' if you need me here."

"It's cool." Ellie bobbed her head. "I just wanna see Anna."

"Okay." Joel stood to his feet, and reached over, ruffling Ellie's hair. He opened his mouth, the urge to say something strong, but felt the distinct lack of what to say even stronger. So he left the room.

As soon as Joel shut the door behind him, Ellie jumped to her feet, only to hiss in pain and limp over to the closet, pulling out the small stack of folded clothes and tossing a pair of jeans and a buttoned flannel shirt onto the bed. After a brief hunt, she found the boy's undershirt that she wore next to her skin in place of the ragged bra that chafed, and proceeded to strip off the clothing she'd both swam and slept in. Shirtless, Ellie picked her way across the floor to the small bathroom, and eyed herself before the mirror, her skin pale and blotched with faded bruises and the assorted scars she'd managed to acquire. Her face looked the same as always, her eyes large and marked beneath with dark smudges, freckles ornamenting her nose and cheeks. Her frame was thin, her shoulders bony, her breasts small. She snorted to herself, remembering the day when that used to concern her. She hadn't had time to think about that in so long.

Anna was far from robust, but she was much less thin and boyish. Her flesh was sun-kissed and soft, and Ellie felt comfort in her hugs from the slight amount of give her fuller form provided. Hugging anyone else never gave that comfort, not even Maria. Joel was pure muscle, and his strength protected her, but she felt the urge to give that same sense of strength and protection to someone else when she embraced them. Matt had been kind, gentle, even, while holding her close to him. His skin had been slick with sweat, his muscles hard somewhere beneath.

Ellie yanked the tank top over her head, and then the flannel, stepping gingerly from her jeans. Ellie had experienced minor alarm when she bled, but Matt assured her that it would be alright, and soaked up her tears with his kisses. She had not cried out, but simply let the water weep down her cheeks. Even now her underpants were slightly stiff, and Ellie grimaced as she pulled on her clean pair and tenderly stepped into her jeans. Gradually, the soreness in her muscles was working itself out, but she still felt the pain between her legs, and gritted her teeth against it as she ran down the stairs, yanked on her shoes, and hurried outside.

"Anna!" she shouted, seeing the girl crossing the compound, her coat a dark splotch of color against the patched metal of the compound wall.

Anna turned, and beamed at Ellie. "Hi!" she called, waving, and joining Ellie in closing the gap between them. Ellie hugged Anna with all her might and main, feeling her small muscles swell beneath her skin and heard Anna make a funny noise near her ear.

"Ellie, you're suffocating me!" she choked, breaking away and gasping for breath. "What's going on?"

"I missed you," Ellie murmured. "It's been forever."

"Only a few days," Anna chuckled. "I've just been busy."

"Well, could you not be? It's miserable by myself."

"What about Matt?" Anna cocked her head. "I thought he promised not to let you get lonely. Didn't he come over and hang out?"

"Yeah," Ellie said, her voice off-handed. "Last evening. It was okay. But it's more fun with you there. He gets..." She cursed under her breath. "He gets weird when it's just the two of us."

Anna stopped, and gripped Ellie's hands, the gesture sending a thrill up Ellie's arms. Her eyes were earnest.

"Ellie, you know he likes you, right?" There was a small line between Anna's brows. "I mean, he really likes you. Anyone could see it."

"Yeah, he told me," Ellie murmured. "And it's super weird. I mean, I like the three of us being friends. What about you, and all? We can't just leave you out?"

"I don't feel left out," Anna replied. "I just have to realize you two like each other."

"But I don't like him," Ellie said, pulling on Anna's arms, before releasing her hands. The cool wind evaporated the sweat there. "I just want to be friends."

"Ellie..." Anna began, brushing her hair over her shoulder. "Don't do that on my account. It's okay."

"I – don't – freakin' – like him," Ellie growled. "Get it?"

Anna stared at her. "Alright. If you say so. Just know that he thinks the world of you. Major crush. I've seen it."

Ellie groaned quietly. "Just shut up, alright. I wanted to hang out with you and do cool stuff. Not talk about stupid boys."

Anna's face displayed exaggerated shock. "Wait until Matt hears you called him stupid." She grinned. "Where is he? Do you wanna find him?"

"No," Ellie replied quickly. "No, I just thought, uh... we could have girl time. Heck, you know, talk about comics, ride horses, gather kindling, and stuff. Girl stuff."

Anna elbowed her. "You're so weird."

"I learn from the best," Ellie retorted.

Anna draped her arm around Ellie's shoulder, and they both sighed happily, strutting around the compound a few times, before going to the stables, and checking on the horses. Only one horse was in its stall, the others having been taken out by the men from the Oklahoma group who were assigned hunting duty for the next few days.

Ellie cursed again. "Now what're we going to do?" she complained. "Freakin' horses aren't even here."

"Ever heard of riding double?" Anna said sarcastically. "It's not as if we weigh too much."

"Awesome!" Ellie exclaimed. "I get the front."

"But I'm taller," Anna retorted.

"Great, then you can see over me."

"That's not fair, you're not that much shorter," Anna began.

"And you're not that much taller," interrupted Ellie. They stared at each other for a minute before bursting out laughing, and Ellie managed, "Alright, you get the front. But only because your big butt won't fit behind the saddle."

"I do not have a big butt!" Anna squeaked. "Just because you have no butt doesn't mean you should make fun of mine!"

"You're so darn sensitive," Ellie grumbled. "Just get over it."

Anna threw a handful of hay at her and promptly sneezed. "Get the saddle, Ellie."