SAILING INTO UNCHARTED WATERS
Chapter Twelve
Sitting on the couch and nursing a glass of whiskey, John looked at the clock on the wall, not even caring that it was the middle of the night.
He'd brought Lori home a few hours ago, holding her as she lay in their bed, sobbing for the loss of their unborn child.
He'd been unable to do anything but hold her as they both wept, feeling anger and despair at how cruel and unfair life could be in its twists and turns. Their baby's survival had been left up to fate, and the harsh mistress had decided to show them no mercy.
He knew that there was no guarantee that things would run smoothly during the pregnancy. They'd been trying for a baby long enough to know that the chances of a miscarriage in the first trimester were much higher than those in the second and third stages of pregnancy.
How agonising it was to know that they'd been mere days away from the end of those first three months; would those days have been the difference between life and death for their unborn child?
He shook his head, downing the contents of the glass in one go, hoping that the alcohol would numb him enough to allow him to get some sleep. As shattered as he felt, every time he closed his eyes he saw Lori's face as he walked into her hospital room, hearing her wailing sobs as the doctor confirmed that the removal of their dead child from her womb was complete.
A part of him idly wondered what would happen to their child. Not old enough yet to be considered a life, would the hospital dispose of the foetus with the rest of the biological waste that they dealt with on a daily basis?
The mere thought of it made him feel hateful, but at what he wasn't sure. Would blaming someone or something make him feel any less devastated than he did right now?
Andy had tried his best to comfort him, even waiting outside the hospital room with him while the 'procedure' to remove the placenta from Lori's body had taken place. As much as he'd appreciated Andy being there, the words of comfort that the older man spoke seemed forced, as did his own response to them.
The situation that they'd found themselves in seemed unfamiliar to both; he had usually been the one to offer support to Andy, not the other way round. As awkward and stilted as their conversation had been during those long hours in the waiting room, John couldn't dispute the fact that he'd been glad to have his partner there with him.
Lori had said nothing on the drive home as she stared out of the windscreen, her eyes not focusing on anything. There was nothing he could have said to lessen the pain that they both felt, and so he kept his eyes on the road, blinking furiously as tears welled and his heart broke all over again.
He'd guided Lori to their apartment and straight to their bedroom. She seemed unable to move or function without being prompted, looking for all the world like a shell-shocked solider. He'd undressed her gently, his anguish rising once more when he removed the hospital bracelet from her wrist.
Guiding her to the mattress, John tucked Lori in as if she were nothing more than a child.
Our child!
He'd had to force his fist into his mouth to keep from crying out. Lori needed him to be strong for her; she needed to know that this wasn't her fault, that there was nothing she could have done differently.
But what about you?
He'd dismissed the thought quickly, pushing it to the back of his mind as he commanded himself to concentrate on Lori. It seemed like hours before she responded to his touch, he'd held her tightly against his own body, hoping to protect her as much as he could.
Perhaps it had been self-preservation that had caused her to all but shut down on him. He'd rubbed soothing circles over her body as he held her close, until her broken voice startled him from his own anguished thoughts.
"He's gone."
John bit down hard on his bottom lip, determined that he would stay strong for Lori. While he could control his mouth, he was powerless to stop the tears from rolling down his face.
"I know, honey. It's ok."
He was lying: it was the complete opposite. Nothing about these last few hours had been ok. Their baby was gone; their lives had been shattered. How could anything ever be ok again?
"They took him from us. It hurts so much, Johnny."
He hadn't been sure what she'd been referring to, whether Lori meant the hospital procedures or the fact that fate had been so cruel to them.
"It'll get better, I promise you."
Another lie, but there was a perverse sort of attraction in deceiving oneself. The pain John felt in his heart was unlike any physical pain he'd ever known, telling himself bare-faced lies eased that pain just a fraction.
"It hurts."
He could do nothing but hold his distraught wife as she sobbed uncontrollably for the loss of their baby, the baby that they'd tried so hard and waited so long for.
Maybe he'd been naïve in thinking Lori's sobs would soon die down, but the longer he'd held her, the more concerned he became that she wasn't dealing with the miscarriage at all. A part of him feared that she'd need counseling to get through the trauma of losing their unborn child.
It was a thought that shocked him. Lori was as tough as they came and more than a match for any sanctimonious prick that she came across in her career as an attorney. Lori loved the thrill of the fight when it came to a legal battle, never showing fear or vulnerability to anyone.
Lori was vibrant and strong, yet the loss of the baby had reduced her to nothing more than a broken shell of the woman she'd once been. It had been her feistiness, as well as a well-aimed shot from Cupid's arrow, that had drawn this difficult and complicated woman to him. Now she was nothing more than a pale imitation of the Laura that had captured his heart so completely.
Perhaps it had been selfish of him, but he'd been glad when exhaustion and the trauma of the day had finally overcome Lori and she'd fallen asleep in his arms. He watched her for a while, noticing the frown that marred her beautiful face until he could no longer deny his own pain and suffering.
Gently disengaging from her, he'd made his way to the kitchen and poured himself a large measure of whiskey, wincing as it burned the back of his throat. The alcohol had the desired effect of bringing him back down to earth as he felt himself choke up once more.
This is how it would have to be. Lori couldn't see the toll this was taking on him too. It was his job as her husband to support her and give her everything she needed. His own needs were secondary to hers; he would do whatever it took to help her overcome this.
Still, he was only human and even though he was a man, he needed to grieve just as much as she did. He would grieve in private, hiding the tears that he didn't want his wife to see. When she was asleep or not at home, those would be the times when he would allow his own tears to fall.
His eyes fell on the leaflets the hospital had given them upon Lori's discharge from their care. A nurse had tried to hand them to Lori, but she'd turned away, refusing to look at the woman. Knowing that his wife was in no state to accept anything from the hospital staff, John took them, shoving them sightlessly into the inside pocket of his jacket.
The whiskey had caused some of the words to blur, but the bold letters on the leaflet were clear in their meaning:
Miscarriage and what it means.
Successful pregnancy following a miscarriage.
Grieving for the loss of an unborn child.
Picking up the first leaflet, he read its contents, even though each word caused pain to lance through his broken heart.
Remember that the miscarriage was NOT your fault. There are many reasons why a miscarriage may occur, but it is often because there was an abnormality that caused the body to spontaneously abort the foetus.
During an incomplete miscarriage, removal of the placenta from the body after the foetus has been expelled is necessary in order to prevent infection and further complications. It may take up to two weeks for the body and its hormone levels to return to normal and therefore symptoms of pregnancy may still be apparent.
You will notice a gradual reduction in the size of your abdomen, due to the body returning to its normal –
John slammed his eyes shut, unable to read any further. Screwing the flimsy leaflet into a ball, he hurled it across the room, growling beneath his breath at the unfairness of it all.
Pulling himself to his feet, he'd been ready to pour himself another drink when a soft, melodic tune stopped him in his tracks.
Little boy blue, come blow your horn,
The sheep's in the meadow, the cows in the corn
Where is the boy who looks after the sheep?
He's under the haystack, fast asleep
Walking toward the sound, he found Lori standing in the spare room – the room that they'd begun decorating for their child. The child that would no longer sleep in the crib his grandfather had made.
"Honey, are you ok?" John asked, rubbing a tired hand over his face.
"I had a dream, Johnny," she replied, a wistful smile on her face. "He had your eyes….and your hair."
Taking his wife in his arms, he kissed the top of her head, holding her tightly. "Go back to bed, it'll be ok."
He felt her shake her head against his chest. "I had a dream….I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy….he was ours, Johnny. He was our little boy and we took care of him….we raised him….he was our son."
"I know, babe. I know."
Despite his efforts to guide her away from the room, Lori refused to move from her position beside the empty crib. The crib that would never cradle their newborn son.
"He had your dimples, too."
He could hear her sniff back the tears as her body shuddered.
"You'd come home from a shift and go straight to the nursery to kiss him….then you'd sing him a lullaby. He loved your voice, Johnny."
Each word she spoke drove another dagger of pain through him, until he couldn't bear to hear her say another word about the child that they would never know.
Rubbing circles on her back, he attempted to soothe his wife's broken spirit. "It was just a dream, Lori. The baby's gone...it's not real."
He tried so hard to soften the blow that his words would have on her, but she was either not capable or willing to listen to what he said.
"It was real to me!" she shouted, breaking free of his grip, displaying the first real signs of emotion since they'd lost the baby. "It's not fair, Johnny! I still feel pregnant. How can I feel pregnant when our baby is dead?"
"It'll pass – "
"I don't want it to pass, I want our baby!"
"We'll try again – "
"I don't want to try again, I want him!"
His eyes followed Lori's to the empty crib and the teddy bear sitting in the middle of it.
"Honey, we've got to accept that he's gone."
"I don't want to," she replied, her voice shaking.
"Neither do I, but we have to."
Suddenly and without warning, a look of anger crossed Lori's face as she struck out at her husband. "It's not fair!" she screamed, hitting whatever part of his body she could find.
He could do nothing but let her anger run its course, knowing that doing so would enable her to grieve and eventually move on. His body absorbed the blows as they steadily grew weaker, until she'd run out of energy.
Pulling her close to his own body, John kissed the top of her head before leading her from the room and back to their bed, closing the door to the nursery behind him.
The room that had once held all of their hopes and dreams was now nothing more than a painful reminder of everything they had lost.
To be continued.
Authors' Note: This is a continuing story from the writing team of WriterJasmine and Teeheehee1234. It's meant to be a fun attempt at writing a story together based on words that readers provide to us on a weekly basis. For more information about this, please read our profile and please feel free to participate. The 'bolded' words throughout the story are words that some of our reader friends sent our way this week. The words utilized are: guarantee; unfamiliar; dispute; preservation; sanctimonious; attraction; opposite; forced; shattered; hateful; unfair; survival; counseling; reduction; earth; cupid; wistful; lullaby.