Author's Note: I wasn't going to update tonight, but then I remembered that I have a goal and school has been kicking my ass, so I'd better update when I get the chance. Not that it matters to you guys, but yeah, I'm really tired from school and everything. Ugh. And Junior and Senior year will only be more stressful. Ugh.

Alternate title for this one-shot: Red with Envy. Call it whatever floats your boat.

PS, not that it matters to you, but this one is really personal to me (like these are completely my emotions) so I hope you like it.

Day One-Hundred Seventy-Seven: White-Washed Heart by JIVA

"I still don't get what happened with you and Spencer."

I flinched at the sound of Spencer's name.

"Every time I ask her, she just shrugs it off and acts as though nothing ever happened."

As though nothing ever happened.

She felt so numb at the sound of my name that she didn't even react in the slightest. And I still thought of her endlessly, regardless of whether or not her name was mentioned.

At that point, I wasn't sure what the sensation I felt with her was. I couldn't tell whether it was love or loathing. I've heard those expressions that "love breeds hate" and "perfection begets hatred." Both might have been applicable in this situation. She was so perfect and I loved her—or liked her, I'm not sure—which contributed to my growing disdain for her. Soon enough, every little thing she did wrong became an issue with me. Finally—and somewhat mistakenly—I called everything off. She didn't care at all. I was met with absolute silence when I told her it was over.

Silence can be cruel.

Sometimes it's welcome silence, but in that scenario, it wasn't. It was uncomfortable and it showed just how much of a nonfactor I was in her life. She just didn't care about me at all. She didn't care about us, either. She just left the concept of "us" behind, like something that was broken and useless and filthy on the floor.

I laughed to try and forget how insignificant I was to her. I laughed with Emily. I laughed with other people. But I didn't really have any words to tell anyone how I was really feeling. I've never been articulate with spoken words; I was always more of a writer.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand: Spencer. She always played these small mind games. I knew that she liked to play. She liked to feel superior. She liked being the dominant one. But I guess I never really thought it would happen until it happened to me. Cliché, I know, but I never thought she'd torment me with power struggles and word play, double meaning or mental mercy. But she did. She played with me just like everyone else. She saw me the same as she saw everyone else.

But I wanted to be free of it all.

I felt like she made a monster. I'd never been so distrusting or weary of anyone or anything until after Spencer. It was like she made me a bitter, uneasy person. I hated that. Some part of me thought it was an irrational thought, but then I remembered how she was basically soulless. Her heart was bleached, devoid of all germs, impurities, and any human feeling. She was like a robot.

But she was a beautiful liar, too. Everyone fell into her little games. She had everyone in the palm of her hand, like they were her little puppets. It seemed like she was walking on air, like God Himself or the angels crafted a way for the road to rise up and greet her. It made me sick. How could I be the only one to see that she needed help and a heart?

Well, she needed the latter, at least. Perhaps I was the one who needed the former.

If anyone needed saving, it was me. Now, she consumed my thoughts, but with complete and utter hatred. It made my blood boil just to think of her and her sick games. She completely ruined me. I still looked the same on the outside to the point where I almost forgot how different the two of us were. The old me was innocent and ignorant and blissfully unaware of how the world worked. Now, I was jaded and lacked that great innocence. I felt ancient.

I no longer know if I'm angrier at her or at myself. I'm angry at her for the obvious. But I'm also angry at myself; I let myself wither away into nothing. I let her do all those things to me. I let her get to me and I let her win. She got the last laugh; she left with her head held high and went onto her new start. I was the one still thinking about her.

I still thought of her.

I knew I needed to find some way to forget. I wasn't letting her win for any longer.

Sarah: OH MY GOD I've seen pics of you on Tumblr. You're not fat. Stop it. –Fat Kayson. I tried. I tried. It took forever and a day to write it.

MilaMizz: I don't understand people who say what they type. I guess I sort of understand it, but I just…I don't know. You do it. Audrey does it. Sometimes my mom does it. It's just weird to me. I can never do that. I has no cool acronyms. Boo. Thank you. I tried. Bio sucks. Then again, I've only ever had a sucky bio teacher, so…I'm glad you liked it and…were we talking about lime coke? What? It reminds me of the lyrics from an LDR song: "Drink a cherry-cola lime."

AL3110: Teaches you to be #Rude, huh? But no, really, you probably submitted that review right after I updated it and it still wasn't on the server. I didn't just ignore you. Ezra is a creeper to me. #SorryNotSorry he's creepy. Life sucks. Hopefully we can skype each other tomorrow/Friday. I'm sorry that Sharukh decided to be the world's biggest jackhole because I was really going to talk to you and he just slammed my laptop shut. I'm glad you liked it, though.

For arguments' sake, I will wait to answer all of Broadway Sarah's reviews until tomorrow when she is (hopefully) all caught up (provided school does not break her back).

Tomorrow's one-shot is Tired of Singing the Blues by Lana Del Rey and it is currently one of my FAVORITE songs so you need to listen to it. It's just so good. It's got a very…film noir kind of feeling. That's just what it strikes me as. I actually like it. It's long, too. -Kayson