A/N: Apparently my last chapter glitched and the format was all wibbly. Terribly sorry about that, this should be better! Enjoy!
"Go. Talk to Maria." He pointed at the door.
"No!" Ellie practically shouted. "I don't have to listen to you! What does that mean?"
"You're not bleedin' any more?" Joel said, his voice louder than decency.
"No!" Ellie replied with an equal amount of indecorous volume.
"Then usin' the information I told you that one time, you oughtta be able to figure it out!" he finished, his words echoing about the room in the silence that followed.
"W-what information?" Ellie said at last, her voice scarcely more than a haggard whisper. Realization dawned on her, and she solidified the moment with a string of quiet swearing. She looked up and met Joel's gaze, her eyes reflecting pure terror.
"What do I do?" she croaked. "Holy –" She wrapped her arm around the lower half of her face, her mouth buried in the inside of her elbow.
"Ellie..." Joel said in a low voice. "We are gonna work it out."
"How can anyone be sure," she managed around her sleeve. "Can anyone be sure?"
"Circumstances... given the circumstances – I think -" Joel shook his head, releasing a sigh and drawing a hand over his beard. "It ain't your fault."
"Well, then whose fault is it?" Ellie asked, her eyes wide, dazed. "Matt's? Yours? Tommy and Maria's?"
"I don't think that really matters," Joel returned quietly. "Blamin' people gets you nowhere."
Ellie made no response, simply let herself fall back on the bed and pull her legs up to her chest, her head tucked down into her knees.
Joel took in a deep breath through his nose. He knew. He understood. The same thing had happened before – something unexpected, something that hits you like ton of bricks, leaving you speechless, breathless – but most of all, terrified. When he was her age, he resisted the urge to curl up into a ball and quit life until he could get things sorted out, resuming again when he felt better about the whole thing; when he knew what to do. But knew very well such a thing was not possible, and he told her so, stretching out full length on the bed by her side.
"Listen, baby girl," Joel began, his voice ragged. "I understand. It's rough. The world ain't fair, is it."
"You got that right," Ellie said, her voice muffled.
"I don't have anything big and special or nothin' to say. Except that you're a strong one, and you can do it."
"What if I don't want to do it," she returned in a small voice. "I didn't sign up to do it."
"Did you sign up for life?"
She snorted slightly. "Heck, no."
"But you got it anyway, and so did everyone else on this godforsaken planet. So we gotta keep goin'. And you keep goin' as good as anyone else I know. Better, sometimes."
"You're being nice because you're sorry for me, Joel," she said, lifting her face, and hauling herself up into a sitting position. "And that's... freakin' me out."
"I ain't sorry for you, Ellie. We all have different crap to pull through in life, and here's your latest -" he groped for a word, scratching the back of his head, "-crap."
"You're sounding like this is really horrible or something. This is what Tommy and Maria wanted." Ellie said, squirming slightly. "And I'd finally decided to be okay with it."
Joel met his eyes. "Are you really okay with it?"
She looked away. "I guess I don't have much of a choice, do I."
His eyes followed her gaze out the window, into the amber glow of the setting sun's rays trying in vain to filter through the hazy glass. For a long pause, silence reigned. At last, Joel spoke.
"What else you got to do today?" he asked quietly. It was so simple, so comforting. Life went on.
"Ohhh..." Ellie inhaled deeply, running a hand through her hair. "Stuff and things. I guess I should go help Maria, she wanted me to take a shift on watch – join the rotation, or whatever."
Joel was nodding slowly. "Alright then." He grunted as he sat up and got to his feet, pointing a finger at her. "You take it easy. No more of this scarin' us business."
"Joel..." Ellie breathed, her voice light, arresting his steps. She looked very small on the bed. "What the heck am I gonna do?"
His eyes dropped to the ground. "What you always do when things are rough, Ellie. Which is kinda the normal state of things." An unwarranted chuckle rose to his lips. "Makin' your stupid jokes always seemed to help, huh."
"It's good to keep things not so serious..." Ellie murmured. "The other day I said something that made Anna laugh at least."
"Hm. And what was that." Joel folded his arms, feeling a small glimmer of hope that the train of conversation was keeping her mind off the topic at hand. Escapism at its best. Sometimes that was one of the only things that had kept him going. No matter what it was, keeping your mind off things.
"Oh, she was talking about muscles. And I was talking about my muscles..." Ellie's voice grew slightly more animated, "-which are totally bigger than hers, by the way – I mean, her arms are bigger, but if we're talking about actual muscles, I'm way stronger. Anyway. She was telling me all these names she remembered learning in school for the different muscle groups. They all ended in -ceps: biceps, triceps..." Ellie snickered. "So I said cordyceps. And we laughed like idiots for, like, forever." She grinned. "It was awesome."
"You are a weird kid," Joel said, somewhat playing up the gruffness.
"But you still love me," Ellie retorted sweetly.
He stopped short. "Now, when have I ever said that?" His tone was slightly accusing; her smile caved in like the soft dirt by the edges of the creek.
"I- I didn't mean..." she stammered. "I just – we came to an understanding. I thought that -"
"No. You're right." Joel felt the lump rise in his throat. It had been a long-standing relationship, but one he had never dared to voice. He pressed his lips together, nodding wordlessly. "I've grown to love you, kiddo."
"Yeah. I kinda love you too," she murmured, getting to her feet, and moving in for a quick hug. He pressed her head into his chest.
"Go on, now, don't keep Maria waitin'."
"'Kay." She looked up and nodded, her eyelashes stuck together with carefully held-in tears. Joel stood in the doorway of her room looking down the stairs long after she had gone.
Maria spotted Ellie coming across the courtyard and called to her.
"About time!"
"Yeah, yeah..." Ellie returned, as she started to mount the steps. As she climbed, she dictated, "So, I was helping Joel and Tommy clean the guns, then I taught Matt how to shoot the bow -"
"I saw that," Maria interrupted, pointing over the compound wall to the spot where their trampled footprints could still be seen in the mud. "What was Joel getting you in trouble for?"
"Oh, just... stuff," Ellie said somewhat moodily.
"I saw him hustling you off."
"Like I said, just stuff."
"He doesn't want you hanging out with Matt?"
Ellie blew her lips. "Pff. He doesn't care. He just didn't want anyone to get hurt, 'cause Matt's clumsy."
"Ah." Maria narrowed her eyes, turning slightly, and scanning the treeline across the river. "Well, he's a nice boy. Glad you two are friends."
Ellie listened carefully for any subliminal intentions in the statement, but detected none.
"Yeah," she agreed somewhat too quickly. "Yep, me too. So, tell me how to do this watch thingy."
Maria chuckled, and put a hand on Ellie's shoulder, guiding her alongside.
"Well, did you bring any weapons?"
Ellie cursed, and bolted for the stairs, but Maria caught her by the hoodie.
"Hold on, hold on. Take mine. There's a full magazine in there, and an extra in here." She kicked at a loose piece of paneling. "Don't use it unless you have to. You're looking for anyone in the woods, among the rocks, or down by the riverbed in the shallow places." She pointed. "Bandits. Or infected. Don't shoot at animals from the walls, that's not allowed. Hunting is different and know the protocol when a hunting group goes out. The gate the group left from tells the others. That way accidents don't happen."
Ellie nodded. "Got it. How long is my shift?"
Maria checked her watch. "Take the rest of mine for practice. Until 3."
The clouds had obscured the sun, and Ellie wore no watch, so she squinted. "Come and tell me when?"
Maria shrugged. "You're on your own. Ask Steve or Houser. Or watch when the others change, the middle shifts all end at the same time."
Ellie took a deep breath, and nestled the butt of the rifle in the crook of her elbow. "Right. Here goes."
"I'm going to the long hall to see how trade is going. We need some things too." Maria descended the stairs, her boots clattering on the metal, her hand barely skimming the rusted rail. "Good luck, Ellie."
"Thanks," she called back, and plunged into the silence of her own thoughts, eyes periodically scanning the dam, the river, the woods, anything in her line of vision. No movement. Gosh, but this was boring. She knew, however, the importance of keeping a vigilant watch up because on the occasions when bandits did raid – and it was getting to be the season – every minute of warning could count. Her lips twisted in a wry smile as she remembered facing the barrel of this very rifle, wielded by Maria, when she and Joel first passed by here on their way to find the Fireflies.
Ellie's thoughts ran rampant in the quietude. Matt – her – sex, kids... Holy crap. This was a huge deal. The time crawled by as she tried to imagine the future. Living here, Joel, Tommy, Maria... Anna – a kid. A baby – hers. She'd only ever been around a pregnant woman once, and that was back in the quarantine zone years ago. It had kind of freaked her out, to be honest. Such a huge belly, and the woman was silent, her hands resting beneath it as if she couldn't take a step without the added support. A tiny human inside another human. It was both awesome and creepy. If it happened, it happened, but it didn't seem like a real good world to be bringing kids into. Tommy and Maria seemed to think things were getting better – that it was a good idea. Especially with her immunity. This kid is gonna be immune. Like me, Ellie thought. She wouldn't be alone anymore, the sole freak that couldn't get infected.
Shifting the weight of the rifle under one arm, the girl rubbed a sweating palm on her jeans before pressing it cautiously to her belly. She'd never really thought about anything beneath the skin. Weird.
"Ellie!"
The voice calling out startled her. Shoving her hand in her pocket and nearly losing her grip on the rifle, Ellie swore and looked down into the compound, where Anna stood waving.
"Don't bother me, foolish child, I'm on watch!" she called in a superior voice.
"Oh my gosh. Stop it." Anna huffed, mounting the stairs. "Miss Super-Important-I'm-Learning-to-Guard."
"I'm keeping everyone safe," Ellie growled. "Take my attention off that tree-line for a second, and it'll be your fault we don't warn the town in time."
Anna raised a hand to shield her eyes from the sun filtering through the clouds, and peered at the woods across the rushing waters of the river.
"Nope. Nothing. We're good. So... are you bored?"
"Yep," Ellie returned, her eyes shifting over her assigned territory. Idly, her hand drifted back toward her torso.
"Stomachache?" Anna asked, and the suddenness of her inquiry caught Ellie off-guard.
"Uh... kinda," she said, returning her grip to her firearm. "Not really."
Anna grunted quietly as she took a seat, facing inwards, her feet dangling from the edge of the parapet.
"I'm getting worried about you," she said in a low voice. "What with the fainting, and stuff..."
"Oh, would you knock it off!" Ellie exclaimed, more vehemently than she intended. "Not you too! Joel, Tommy, Maria, Matt, everyone's on my freakin' back. I'm fine!"
"Gosh..." Anna twisted around, looking up at the girl. "I'm sorry, I was just..." She stopped short, seeing tears glistening in the eyes of her friend. She got to her feet. "Ellie?"
"You can't tell anybody," she began in a haggard whisper.
"What is it?" Anna placed a light hand on Ellie's shoulder, and Ellie relaxed into the warmth of the touch, a tear spilling down her cheek. She shifted her rifle's weight again and swiped at it with her sleeve.
"I don't wanna tell," she mumbled. "It's too... freaky."
"I won't tell anyone, Ellie," Anna reassured.
The girl shook her head. "No. No... I'm supposed to be on watch."
As if on cue, a shout rang out, and footsteps quaked along the parapet as lookouts were changed and arms and munitions were passed off. Steve climbed the steps and seemed surprised to see the two girls there.
"You takin' a turn, Ellie?" he asked, with a nod toward Anna.
"Yeah, Maria put me on the second half of her shift, for practice," she said, avoiding eye contact with the man.
"Makes us all feel better knowin' there's a good shot or two around here," Steve chuckled. "Nice work. Tell Maria I relieved you."
"Thanks," Ellie said with a nod, as she shouldered the borrowed rifle and descended the steps, Anna hot on her heels.
"Ellie?"
"I don't want to tell, Anna," Ellie pleaded, turning, and meeting her eyes. "I don't... want it to be true, and I feel like – if I talk about it, it makes it more true."
Anna opened her arms, and Ellie allowed herself to be hugged.
"Come on." Anna jostled her slightly. "You can tell me."
"Fine." Ellie breathed. And she simply drew back and blurted it out.
Anna's eyebrows shot up.
"You're... you are?" she said, her mouth slightly agape, her lips dark against the whiteness of her teeth. "Oh my... Ellie!" She hugged her again. "Is it – was it on purpose? Who was it?"
Ellie shook her head. "Just – just... don't tell anyone."
"I won't." Anna's eyes were wide. "But why not?"
"Because I'm gonna do it," Ellie said in a resigned whisper. "When I have to."
It came sooner than she wanted.