"Go ahead, Ellie," Joel encouraged, gesturing to the plate. "You outta eat if you can keep it down."
"Joel..." Ellie said warningly, looking at the table, then up at him.
"Go on. Christ knows you could use it."
A silence had fallen over the room as Tommy and Maria listened to the exchange, giving each other an uncomprehending look.
Joel cleared his throat, his eyes darting from Tommy's to Maria's. "Well, I – didn't want it to seem like I was bein' selfish here. Ladies first, and all."
Tommy leaned forward. "Is – ah – somethin' goin' on?"
"Ellie, have you been sick?"
"Just earlier today," Ellie mumbled, shrugging, and swallowing thickly, helping herself to a few spoonfuls of the hash. "It's nothing."
"You sure?" Tommy's eyebrows were raised. "'Cause if you're really sick –"
"I'm fine." Ellie's eyes were round, frightened. "Joel's just making a big deal out of nothing."
Joel took a deep breath. "Ellie." He met her eyes. "You oughtta tell 'em."
"I don't want to," she murmured, looking at her lap where she twisted her fingers together.
The room fell absolutely, utterly silent.
"Ellie-?" Maria said in a quiet voice. "What is it?"
She shook her head. "No," she whispered. "Joel – you say it."
Joel cursed under his breath. "She's pregnant," he said simply, looking from his brother to his sister-in-law. "Happened a couple a weeks ago – that she figured it out, that is."
Maria stared at the girl, confusion in her eyes. "Ellie, why didn't you tell us?"
"Because I didn't freakin' want to!" the girl exclaimed, bringing her hands down onto the edge of the table, gripping the wood until her knuckles were white. "I didn't even want it to happen! How was I supposed to know that one stupid time –"
"Who is it?" Tommy cut in. "Who's the father?"
"Matt," Joel said quickly. "It's Matt."
Tommy took a deep breath. "You two been sleepin' together?"
"Just this one time, it was his idea..." murmured Ellie.
"Like heck it was!" Maria burst out. "Does he know?"
Ellie shook her head. "No one did, but Joel."
Tommy swore. "This is a situation all right."
"Hey, would you knock it off?" Joel leaned forward, his arm meeting the table. "You're scarin' the kid."
"I don't get it," Ellie spoke up, taking a drink of water, and setting the cup down hurriedly. "You're all 'Ellie-you-should-have-kids' and now I'm actually knocked up you freak out? It doesn't make sense."
"Alright." Maria raised her hands in a gesture of order. "Ellie." She regarded the girl soberly. "Are you – do you and Matt like each other?"
Ellie leaned first to one side, then the other in her chair, but made no committal reply, her eyes somewhere between Joel's cup and Joel's arm.
"Because we all hoped, at least–"
"She's right." Tommy met his wife's eye. "We're not takin' this right. Ellie." He softened his countenance. "We're happy for you."
She looked up, her face pale.
"Take care of yourself," he added in a gentle tone.
"Thanks," Ellie mumbled, looking away quickly. "I'm not really hungry anymore." She scraped back her chair and betook herself to the adjacent room, tossing herself onto the sofa, her back to the adults. Tommy, Maria, and Joel regarded each other for a long moment.
Tommy broke the silence, speaking in a low voice. "You knew about this –"
"It wasn't my secret to tell," Joel snapped back in a whisper. "What was I supposed to do when she was yackin', go run off and tattle to you and Maria?"
"A little honesty might'a been –"
"No, Tommy, and you know it!" Joel hissed, his eyes gleaming. "I sat with her and let her cry when she was finished, and we said we'd figure this out. She didn't want no one to know."
"But she's okay with this?" Maria's pupils were dilated, the dark overtaking the original hue of her eyes, as she cast a glance at the brown head in the next room. "She may be kind of shocked, but – it's what she wants?"
Joel heaved a deep breath. "Look, I don't know if this had anything to do with the mess you two started when you were talkin' to her about getting' married and havin' kids..."
"Don't you blame this on us." Tommy lifted a hand. "This ain' the same thing any more."
"You bet it is!" Joel raised his voice, and in response, Ellie only leaned forward, retrieving something from the side table and dropping her head. He lowered his voice to a whisper again. "This is exactly what you were talkin' to her about, and now that it's happened, I swear, if you don't stand by her, and help her see that it's gonna be okay –"
"Joel, we get it." Maria's lips were tight. "We're staying out of it."
"Not anymore you're not. Your interfering got her into this mess, and by hell, it'll get her out again. You understand? You don't let her feel this is wrong for an instant." His jaw was set. "You have to be there for this girl, alright?"
"Alright!" Tommy met Joel's eyes, a steely look there. "Now, keep your pants on, we've gotta discuss some things."
Conversation was rapid and terse, and on the sofa, Ellie pulled her legs up to her chest, taking a deep breath before dropping her head to her arms.
Joel retreated with Tommy and Maria into their bedroom, and argued long into the night until Maria finally dismissed herself, murmuring, "I'm going to see how Ellie's doing."
"What an idea," Joel muttered, sarcasm thick on his tone.
Ellie still sat on the sofa in the gloaming, her feet crunched beside her, Savage Starlight laying ignored on her lap as she stared straight in front of her. Ellie looked up as Maria approached.
"Sorry, spaced out."
"Hey, little girl."
Ellie's shoulders lifted, then sagged in a deep sigh. "I don't feel like a little girl."
Maria sat on the sofa next to her, the old wood creaking in protest beneath the thin cushion, and gently moved Ellie's feet down to the floor so she could sit close and put her arm around her. Ellie silently lay her head on Maria's thin shoulder.
"It's a tough world, hm," was Maria's comment.
"I don't know that I ever felt like a little girl," Ellie said in a low, raw voice. "Not that I cared. I never felt little, because there was always someone littler than me. And I never remember feeling like a girl, not ever. I mean –" she sat up and looked Maria in the eye, "what the heck does feeling like a girl even feel like? I have no clue, and if I did, I don't think I liked it." She flopped back down, hoping Maria didn't notice how she was fighting back tears.
Maria drew her hand over Ellie's tussled head for a long moment until the quaking of her shoulders resulted in the inevitable eruption.
"I mean, you want kids!" Ellie's voice was tight, pinched. "You and Tommy want a kid, and you can't have one. And I have no idea what I'm doing, except for 'fall-in-love-Ellie' and 'Matt's-a-nice-guy-Ellie' and 'don't-let-your-DNA-die-with-you-Ellie, I mean what the actual heck!" Her voice broke, and she gasped for air. "What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? I don't love him!"
"Shh... hush now," Maria soothed, rubbing a hand over Ellie's shoulder. "Don't think about it. It's going to be fine."
"I don't love him..." Ellie whispered. "I keep trying, but I don't think it's working."
"Ellie." Maria's voice was low. "We'll work it out. For now, don't get all excited, it's late, and you should go to bed soon. Let's settle down."
"You make a good mom," Ellie blurted out somewhat acidly, covering her face with a hand and taking a deep breath. "Okay. Calming down now. Calming down."
"Hey, I heard you picking out that song on your guitar the other day." Maria jostled her jutting elbow gently. "Want to show me?"
Ellie hesitated. "It's a good song."
"Let's hear it, sweetie."
A long moment passed, and Ellie finally nodded, rising slowly and making her way up the stairs. Tommy came into the doorway and lifted his eyebrows, but Maria waved him away as Ellie's footfalls could be heard above them. As she descended the stairs, Ellie sighted Tommy in the doorway.
"I'm toast, huh," she commented. Tommy merely smiled.
"Gonna play us somethin'?"
"Where's Joel?" Ellie asked.
"He went out." Tommy sat on the sofa next to Maria, who continued to eye him warningly, but permitted him to sit beside her. "Gettin' some fresh air, I think."
Ellie seemed to ponder this for a moment, before folding herself into some sort of complex geometric shape on the ground and leaning over her guitar. "Want to hear this?"
"Sure," Maria responded, a little too enthusiastically, and it was Tommy's turn to give her a look. Ellie bobbed her head silently, and seemed to think for a minute, sliding her fingers up and down the frets, sending out a faint metallic sound. Slowly, she began to pick out a simple arpeggiated chord, then evened it out ever so slightly, beginning to sing in a small, airy voice. "Yeah I, tell you somethin' I think you'll understand. Yeah I, tell you somethin'... I want to hold your hand. I want to hold your hand... I want to hold your hand." The song filled the room, and Maria settled back into Tommy's arm as Ellie sang, the girl's eyes drifting shut as if she was forgetting everything else when her fingers played over the strings.
"Please... say to me, I want to be your man... Yeah please, say to me, I want to hold your hand... I want to hold your hand. I want to hold your hand.
And when I touch you, I feel happy inside. It's such a feelin' that, my love, I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide... Yeah you - you've got that somethin'. I think you'll understand..."
At some point Joel entered the room again, and simply stood in the doorway, watching the small girl play the guitar and sing. "Yeah you, you've got that somethin'... I want to hold your hand. I want to hold your hand... I want to hold your hand." Her fingers finished the chords, and she concluded with a light breath of extraneous air, and a gentle odd note. Tommy looked up and Joel jerked his head, indicating that he wanted a word. The men left, and Maria regarded Ellie, sitting in silence, slouching over her instrument.
"You haven't told Matt?" she asked in a quiet voice. Ellie shook her head.
"You should."
"I don't want to."
"Go tomorrow. It's better if you tell him yourself instead of him hearing through one of us."
And Ellie just drooped her head forward so low that her forehead touched the hard wood of her guitar.