The morning came too soon. Ellie rose, dressed, and skipped breakfast once again, going to the engine room as soon as she was sufficiently awake. She climbed the steps to the catwalk with dragging feet, and finally reached the top, where she swayed unexplainedly and caught the railing for balance. Ignoring the twisting feeling in the pit of her stomach, she forced her feet forward and reached where Matthew was working, his black hair sticking out from beneath his hard hat, and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned, and raised a hand to indicated he needed a minute, and stepped away from the noise of the machinery.
"Ellie." He stuck out his arm, as if offering a side hug, but Ellie reached out and gave him a haphazard high-five.
"Hi, there." Her voice sounded surprisingly normal, and she took a deep breath, hoping her luck would hold. "Is Matt around?"
"Yeah, he was..." Matthew looked over his shoulder, and then caught sight of him plying a spreader and a bucket of plaster, re-covering the workroom's wall. It was beginning to look worlds better than the exposed cracked concrete. "...Down there. Do you want me to get him?"
"Oh, if he's busy– " Ellie broke off, and shoved her hands in her pockets. "No problem. I'll go down there. Just wanted to say hi."
"Alright, girlie." Matthew winked. "Be careful. Stuff all over the ground. Wearing shoes today?" He liked to bring up old jokes. Ellie gave him a thumbs up.
"Sure thing." The metal stairs clattered as she descended, and meandered her way over to the wall Matt was busily plastering.
"Hey, there," she said, her voice echoing in the cavity beneath the catwalk. "Havin' fun?"
Matt snorted, and grinned at her. "You bet. Want to help?"
Ellie raised her eyebrows. "You kidding? This is your job. I peeled potatoes all morning with Maria." She displayed reddened fingers. "Worse than cutting wood."
Matt chuckled. "You cut wood?"
Ellie nodded. "Yeah, with a hatchet. The smaller logs. Joel won't let me do the big ones, he says that I can't use the axe 'cause I'm too little." She flexed her arms ostentatiously. "But I'm working on that."
Matt eyed Ellie as the bravado faded from her face and left her pale. She scuffed her feet in the dirt, and Matt stabbed his spreader into the bucket, setting it down.
"What's eatin' you?" he asked in a low voice, dipping a finger in the plaster and reaching over, swiping a playful streak down her nose. She glared at him.
"Hey." Ellie made a jump for the bucket but Matt stepped in front of her, catching her arms as she struggled; at last she succeeded in forcing his own hand to his face, smearing on a lopsided print. "There." She pointed a finger. "We're even."
"Did you just come here to interrupt my work?" Matt complained, folding his arms, and looking comical with the plaster ornamenting his face. His eyes sparkled. "Where's Anna?"
"I don't know. I haven't seen her today, just Maria. And that was last night. She said... I'm supposed to come and talk to you."
Matt was caught off-guard by the seriousness of her tone. It reminded him of the time when his father had told him that Lindsay had been bitten, and they were going to have to leave her at the Kansas border.
"Ellie – you're kind of scaring me," he said in a low voice. "Has something happened? Your bite..."
"Don't be stupid, nothing's changed about that in years," Ellie retorted. "It's – dumb. I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be making such a big deal, but Maria made me come."
Matt shifted his weight from foot to foot, eying the top of Ellie's head, which was all he could see as she examined her shoes. He resisted the urge to hug her, reassure her, and simply stepped closer.
"Okay. So, what's going on?"
Ellie looked up, her chin jutting forward as she fought the swimming of her eyes. "I'm having a kid."
Matt held Ellie's eyes for a long moment, and for a moment she thought he didn't understand.
"Like," she gestured, "in nine months or something."
He continued to hold her gaze and she did the same, the two of them, simply standing there for a long moment. At last Matt regained his power of speech.
"What?" he managed.
"Don't make me say it again," Ellie said firmly, crossing her arms. "I didn't want to make a big deal of it, but like I told you, Maria made me."
"And this – this is me?"
"How many other guys do you think I've screwed," Ellie mumbled, and Matt winced at her tone of voice. His feet took him close to her, and he drew her into his arms.
"It's okay, Ellie. We'll – we'll figure it out," he murmured. "I'm... really sorry, it took us by surprise and all, but –"
"It's fine," Ellie said, pulling away, and taking a deep breath. "It's fine."
"Well," Matt said, searching her face, "what do you want to do? You told me – one time, that –"
"I don't know if Joel and Tommy and everybody are going to be happy now, or what," Ellie said, shrugging. "It seems a pretty sick thing to be happy about, but whatever."
"Okay," Matt said, his voice strange. "Then, do you – want to be together? You know, like get married, or whatever we want to call it?"
Ellie stared at him, her eyes wide. "Are you freaking kidding me?"
Matt was a little taken aback. "Well, no. That's the right thing to do –"
"I don't like you!" Ellie burst out, and then took in her breath. "I mean... I like you. But I don't love you. I never want to... I just –"
"Ellie, you're young," Matt said, looking at his plaster-covered hands. "I'm young. Neither of us are perfect. We can work stuff out, I can be a better person –"
"You're a fine person," Ellie bit out. "But I said no way."
"Would you let me finish?" Matt asked, irritated. "We'll work everything –"
"Heck – no – way!" Ellie exclaimed, her eyes huge. "What part of that do you not get? I'm doing something I don't want to whether I like it or not! I'm not going to go and do something else I don't want!"
"Someday?" Matt's voice was rough. "Ellie, I love you, you don't even understand how much. Give me a chance. Think about it, it doesn't have to be now. But maybe someday."
Ellie shook her head. "I just want to be friends."
"You're having my baby, Ellie," Matt said, his voice cracking. "That's... amazing."
"Shut up," she growled. "What do you know."
"I know that I love you, and that's more than you do. You don't understand –"
"What makes you think I don't understand love?" Ellie wiped her nose on her sleeve. "Really. What makes you think I don't get it?"
"Because you have no idea how much I love you. How much love... hurts."
"Matt, give me a little credit. I – I understand." Her eyes shone, and he stepped close to her again.
"You understand?"
"Yeah. Because I've loved someone before, and I love someone now." Ellie held her breath, her eyes falling shut. "I trust you. That's why I'm telling you."
Matt's face was a study of emotions, his brows drawn together.
"Do I know him?" he asked at last.
Ellie shook her head, then hesitated. "It's Anna," she whispered.
Matt looked as if he'd been struck. His face turned an odd color, and Ellie could see him groping for words in his mind. At last he seized her arm, forcing her to step backwards so that she wouldn't fall over.
"Is this one of your jokes?" Matt demanded in a husky voice. "Because if it is, this is really not funny."
"It's not a joke," Ellie said evenly. "It's just a secret. Don't tell."
"She's a girl, Ellie!" Matt exclaimed, giving her a little shake. "You're a girl!"
"Whoah," she jeered. "Good call."
Matt released her, and turned around, taking a few steps away, and clenching his fingers in his hair.
"What's your problem?" Ellie called, spreading her arms wide. "Did I ask you to like me? Can you help it?"
Matt wheeled, taking his hands from his head, leaving his dark hair streaked with plaster. He met her eyes. "No, I can't help it."
"Well, neither can I!"
"You don't understand, you're confused –"
"You're confused," Ellie burst out, pointing at him. "Especially since you think you know what I want more than I do."
Matt turned his back again and stood silent for a long moment. At last he turned back around, his eyes taking in the sight of the girl that he loved still standing there, the flannel she wore swallowing up her small form, her hair falling from a messy ponytail.
"What happens?" he asked in a broken voice. "What happens to the love I want to give you?"
Ellie stood still and allowed him to close the distance between them and hug her, and slowly, ever so slowly, she relaxed and simply clung to her friend.
"We'll work it out," she said, feeling his tears on her neck. "You, me, Anna, we'll work it out."
A long moment passed, and at last Matt released her. "Can I – can I kiss you?" he asked. Slowly, Ellie shook her head.
"No, I don't think that's a good idea."
"My dad – should I tell him?"
Ellie shrugged. "If you want. Everybody's gonna find out eventually." She made as if to walk away.
"Where are you going?" Matt called. "What're you -"
"I want to go find Anna," Ellie replied simply. He watched her as she walked away.