Author's Note: AU wherein Spencer's mom has/had breast cancer and I guess where Toby's mom didn't commit suicide (if she did commit suicide and she really is dead?) and was sick instead.

Day One-Hundred Eighty-One: Beautiful Sadness by 5 Alarm Music

He walked past the church on his way home from the cemetery. He noticed a group of women going inside. One woman, with her short dirty-blonde hair, had rosary beads. It looked like all the other women were trying to console her.

Usually, he was a sympathetic person, but he didn't want to feel at the moment. He certainly didn't want to feel bad for anyone else when he already felt so bad himself.

And why was the sky so blue? It should've been grey. If he could do anything, he would make the world grey or even just dark like the night, even if for only one day; it'd suit his mood.

A few days later, he overheard his father talking with some woman. Toby had no clue who it was, but assumed it was just one of his dad's friends. He recognized her as one of the women consoling the dirty-blonde right outside the church a few days prior. She was talking about an old friend of theirs who had recently gotten in a car accident. His daughter was in the car and she had died. Toby thought he had met her once; she was two or three years younger than him, so she was probably about nine at the time she died. But anyway, apparently her father was in a coma and they had no idea whether he was going to make it or not.

Toby was still in the process of grieving his mother, so he knew what grief felt like. But at least when she was sick and dying, he knew she was dying. He at least got the chance to prepare for it. He knew it was coming. It didn't make her death easier for him to handle, but he saw it coming.

He just couldn't imagine what it would be like to be that man's wife and that girl's mother. That woman probably didn't know what to do with herself. Her daughter was just ripped from her so suddenly. She must've felt like she was holding her breath every second of every day. Toby knew he'd feel like the entire world stopped spinning if anything like that happened to him. She had to just wait. She didn't even know what she was really waiting for. But she had to wait.

12 years later

It had been a long time since she slept the whole night through and without the aid of alcohol. She was never extremely close with her mother, so she had no idea how badly her mother's death would affect her.

She thought about a lot soon after it happened, but there was one thought that overpowered them all.

Why?

Why did her mother have to have breast cancer? Why didn't she catch it sooner? Why weren't the doctors able to save her? Why didn't she tell anyone before she had to go into chemotherapy? Why did it have to spread slowly to other parts of her body?

She wondered if this was exactly what every other daughter or son whose parent had died from cancer—or anything, really—felt like. She knew it was only natural to lose a parent—since it was rare and often very tragic if a parent outlived their child—but that didn't make it any easier.

Why couldn't she be stronger? There were people in a worse situation than she was. There were little girls and boys who lost their mother—and sometimes their father, or their other mother, or their fathers (to not discriminate against other types of families)—and they were actually close to their mom. She was now crying over a mother who she didn't appreciate enough and she was an adult. Where was her strength? She was supposed to be stronger than that.

"How are you doing, Spencer?"

She looked up to see her long-time friend Toby standing there with coffee for her. She didn't really want anything but alcohol, but knew this was a much better alternative.

She just shrugged. Honestly, she felt a little selfish crying about losing her mom. Although she knew deep down that she had the right to be a little upset, he had lost his mom when he was still just a kid. She at least had more time with her mother…

"Spencer, I don't think your mom would want you to do this to yourself," he said as he picked up an empty bottle of scotch from the floor. Truthfully, she didn't like the taste of scotch, but wine wasn't even strong enough anymore.

"I know. But I don't know. I just want to stop feeling," she replied.

He sighed. "I know. I wanted all those things, too, when my mom died. But I know that my mom wouldn't want me to be that way. She always said that everyone had a journey and a purpose in life and that their existence gave people in pain hope and faith, depending on what you do with it," he explained. "Now, you can either sit here and mope or you can do something incredible, Spencer. You're a smart person who can do whatever she wants. I know that it's sad to have to say goodbye, but your mom is free now. My mom is free. They're not in pain anymore."

Spencer wasn't exactly sure whether she believed in heaven and hell, but she knew for certain that her mom was probably more comfortable now.

She was starting to see the light. She could see the future and she could see life. This wasn't the end of the world. Toby was right; this was what her mother would've wanted. She smiled (a tiny smile, but a smile, nonetheless) for what felt like the first time in forever.

She got up and opened a bottle of wine. "I know I'm not going to drink much anymore, but I think that we could at least have a toast," she said as she poured two glasses of pinot noir. She handed one glass to Toby as she walked over.

"To new beginnings and moving on," she proposed. He would toast to that.

It was a beautiful moment when two people that went through a lot bonded over something like this.

MilaMizz: Yeah, I think that was one of the longest things I've ever written. I kind of liked it, though. Anything mentioning the Hotel Chelsea should be cool. I'm glad you liked it. Once you go to Ralph's, you can never go back to Rita's. idk I kind of like them (but Ralph's and the Kohr Bros. are seriously the best for ice/custard). But yeah, who can go wrong with milkshakes? Now I want one. Damn. Wait, but if you go to cyber school, how do you hand-write a paper and have it graded? I do not understand how your school works. I am so sorry. I'm just seriously so confused. I don't get how regular school works, either. I don't get anything. I'm so sorry.

HopefulSpobyShipper: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it :)

Tomorrow's chapter is going to be YET ANOTHER Taylor Swift song (I'm kind of sick of doing Taylor, but thankfully, it's just a little bump on the road until I get to LANA AND MARINA AND RACHAEL SAGE LIKE OMG SO HAPPY). It will be Invisible by Taylor Swift. I actually like most of the early-Taylor songs, so this one may not bother me too much. And it will hopefully not be as difficult to write as this one was. -Kayson