Chapter 16: Grief

"Miss, are you sure you don't need any help-"

Rin waved off the concerned cashier with a smile as she attempted to juggle all her purchases. "Fine, fine. Thank you very much."

Tatara and Rikio certainly hadn't held themselves back when they had gone shopping for Anna-chan's birthday last week. Rin had at least four boxes balanced precariously in her arms along with a gift bag that swung wildly on her wrist as she made her way back to the HOMRA bar. Once again, this was supposed to be another one of Tatara's errands, but after all he'd done for the clan these past few weeks Rin felt obligated to make an effort to help him out. Besides, she had seen the way he had stared longingly at his camera – repeatedly commenting on how beautiful the skyline was tonight or how the stars seemed to shine particularly bright– and volunteered to pick up the gifts for him.

The whole thing had worked out in her favor, actually. For the past week Rin had been torn on what to get Anna for her birthday, and used the errand as an excuse to do some quick shopping of her own around the store. A pack of ribbons had caught her eye near the counter, and Rin had snatched it and had it wrapped before she could change her mind. She had never been good at gift giving, even when Ayami had been around.

The street was desolate, and Rin could clearly make out her own soft footsteps over the car alarms, barking dogs, muffled voices, and distant sirens that she had long since grown accustomed to living in this part of Shizume. Shifting the stack of boxes in her arms once more, she frowned at how strange the silence seemed. Usually there were patrons stumbling down from the bar, yet there was something about the night air that cast an uneasy edge over her thoughts causing Rin's footsteps to pick up their pace. The shadows seemed longer, the alleys darker, and as the HOMRA bar rose dark and empty in front of her the lack of noise only heightened the anxiety stirring in her heart.

Rin managed to sprint the last block, but still struggled with the front entrance; fumbling with her packages as she tried to pry the heavy wooden door open with a few free fingers. As she squeezed through the narrow space, hushed voices met her ears and Rin quickly dumped the gifts near the door. As she scanned the room, her heart sank.

Grief.

It surrounded and slammed into Rin like a wave, knocking the breath from her lungs. She was all too familiar enough with it to recognize the various stages, having shouldered that emotional baggage for the past year.

She counted heads and noticed a few faces were not among them: Mikoto, Tatara, Rikio and Izumo were nowhere to be found, and Rin's heart rate sped up a few notches. A few glanced up at her arrival, but only Chitose managed to push himself to his feet and make his way over.

Frozen, Rin watched him approach. Her heart sank with every step and her eyes began to burn as she tried to swallow down her fear. The redness that ringed his eyes caused her shoulders to begin to shake, and her eyes pleaded with him not to confirm one of her worst fears.

Not again.

Chitose placed a warm hand on her shoulder, and Rin's throat felt as if it had been scraped raw at the pained look in his eyes. He opened his mouth, but after a moment reconsidered and pulled her tightly to his chest. Rin could hear his harsh breathing against her ear, and his grasp was painfully tight.

"Totsuka…"

Her blood seemed to freeze in her veins.

"There was a… a gunshot… Rooftop. Dunno who-" Chitose choked out.

Not for the first time in her life, Rin felt weightless; as if she were floating above her body and Chitose was simply hugging an empty shell. Her arms hung limply by her side, trapped under Chitose's crushing grip, and she seemed to stare blankly over his shoulder as the knowledge began to seep in. It all seemed unreal. Her eyes drifted to Shouhei, who looked like a lost child at the bar, to Dewa, who hadn't moved from his position near the window. Rin would have thought he was daydreaming if it weren't for his clenched fists and the tension in his jaw.

"Kusanagi-san?"

"At the hospital. They already knew, but…" His voice drifted off, and Rin felt something warm and wet stain her shoulder.

In her dazed state, she frowned. "And…Kamamoto-san?"

"Upstairs. With Anna," Chitose managed to grit out, and she knew he was struggling to keep his voice from breaking. No doubt he had caught sight of the forgotten presents by her feet, ones that they all knew had been bought by HOMRA's late vassal. She didn't dare ask the location of their King. Part of her was terrified to know the answer.

Her eyes continued to wander across the various faces – Eric, Kousuke, Bandou – until they landed on a hunched figure seated on the couch. Blood smeared his face and coated his hands, and Rin could see his body shaking from where she stood.

Gently disentangling herself from Chitose's hold, Rin quietly made her way over to Misaki's huddled form. She moved slowly, aware of his wide, wild eyes that stared unmoving at a familiar broken camera that had been placed on the table in front of him. The blood had dried on the lens and was flaking in some places, and Rin stared down at the stains with horror as a sense of guilt begin to claw its way up her chest.

Once again, part of this was her fault. Another person whose place she wish she could have exchanged. If she had just let Tatara run his own damn errand he would have never been on that roof with that stupid camera, and none of this-

Rin bit the inside of her cheek. Now was the not the time to be selfish. Despite wanting to curl up in a corner and sob; despite the feeling of grief that was gnawing at her insides and causing her to want to scream and tear her hair out, Rin closed her eyes and swallowed it down. As she knelt in front of Misaki, whose eyes had yet to waver from the camera, Rin locked those feelings away deep inside her until she had the time to face them. Now was the time to deal with a problem that she could fix. And she'd be damned if she let anyone else go through this misery alone.

"Yata-san," Rin said softly, but received no response. Gently, she placed a hand on his knee, murmuring his name softly once more until he blinked twice and looked blankly up at her.

"Tachibana-san," He said hollowly, and Rin had to swallow down the sobs that threatened to escape her once more.

Instead, she gave him a watery smile and nodded. Slowly, Rin raised a hand to his face, fingertips hovering over the streak of blood that marked his cheek.

Tatara's blood.

She could see his tears had carved tracks down his face, and the sight caused her anger to flare. Had no one attempted to wash the blood from him? Were they going to let him stare at it the rest of the night?

She lowered her hand and slipped it into his, trying to ignore the sticky substance that coated his palms and the knowledge of who it came from. "Yata-san, c'mon," She murmured softly, giving a gentle tug on his hands. "Let's go and get you cleaned up."

His hands slid limply from her grasp.

With a sigh, Rin gripped his wrist tightly and tugged harder. She knew what this was, the listlessness. It wasn't healthy for him to stay in this condition, at least not with their friend's blood on his hands.

"C'mon, Yata-san. Let me take care of you-"

Suddenly, Misaki ripped his hands from her grip, and Rin could see his fury and anguish flash in his eyes.

"Fucking leave me alone, Tachibana-san."

Rin ignored his words and the icy tone, having already expected it. Once more she cupped his hands in hers, gently massaging his palms as she kept her voice soft. "Yata-san, please, we need to clean you up-"

"Back. Off." His voice was ragged, and Rin could see the tears that threatened to spill in his eyes as he pushed her hands away. She paused for a moment, and watched as his eyes finally overflowed again. He wiped them angrily away with the back of his hand, and, after a few seconds, Rin tried again.

"C'mon, Yata-san. Let's just go to the bathroom quick and-"

Misaki's pent up rage escaped for a moment, and suddenly Rin found herself flat on her back with a sharp pain in her ribs. She caught sight of the corner of the coffee table in her peripheral vision, and knew she had nicked the side of it as she had fallen. Pushing herself up onto her elbows, her eyes landed on Misaki's horrified face.

Without saying a word, Rin gingerly pushed herself to her feet, grimacing at the stinging in her side. Misaki's eyes remained locked on her, his hand half covering his mouth in shame. Her eyes softened as she looked down at him sadly. Once more, Rin slid her hand under his palm, and let it rest there for a moment until Misaki looked down at their intertwined fingers. She gave a gentle squeeze and brushed her thumb over his knuckle, waiting 'til she felt a small squeeze in return. With that, Rin gave a gentle tug and Misaki rose to his feet, swaying slightly beside her.

Apology accepted.

Bit by bit, the two slowly made their way to the bathroom. The rest of HOMRA averted their eyes, lost in their own grief as it was. Tears slid down the redhead's face, but he managed to contain his sobs until they were inside and the door was tightly shut. Rin had him sit on the toilet as she soaked some paper towels in soap and water, letting him attempt to calm himself while she feigned distraction.

When his sobs subsided to hiccups, Rin knelt down in front of him and began to dab away the blood and tears that coated his cheeks. She no longer saw the gore, having shut down that part of her brain down long ago. However, the blank look that had returned to Misaki's eyes worried her far more than her own detached and repressed state of mind.

"You aren't crying."

His eyes remained trained on the wall as he spoke while she brushed the last fleck of blood away from his cheek. Rin's eyes flicked to his expressionless face, and she turned away to grab a new batch of paper towels to work on his hands, saying nothing.

"Girls always cry over these things."

Rin began to rinse the blood from his hands, making sure to dig under his nails and in the nail beds. These were the spots that never seemed to get clean, and had haunted her many nights after Ayami's death.

"I don't cry," She said firmly after a pause.

That wasn't true in the slightest. She had cried so much and so hard once that she had been unable to breathe. But now wasn't the time for him to know that or to get under her skin. Breaking down wasn't an option, not yet. She wouldn't allow such a luxury. Without the bartender or their King here, HOMRA seemed to be at a loss. Rin wouldn't give herself such satisfaction until she knew the rest of her clansmen were going to be all right.

At this, Misaki raised his eyes to her face, a frown creasing between his brows. Rin pushed herself off her knees and stood, turning her back once more to throw away the stained towels, and mumbled, "Not now, at least."

Rin spared five seconds to glance at herself in the mirror. How quickly her appearance had crumbled. Only minutes ago she had been picking up birthday presents for Anna, and had been excited to be celebrating her own birthday in a few hours.

Now they would be planning a funeral.

After cleaning Misaki up and situating him back on the couch –first, stashing Tatara's camera out of sight behind the bar – Rin slipped up the stairs to the first floor landing and found herself outside the door on her immediate right. It was ajar, and Rin could see light peeking out from beneath Anna's door but no sign of the Red King.

Not wishing to stay a minute longer in the bar, Rin turned and made her way back down the stairs to the ground floor. None of the other members seemed to notice her presence again, or perhaps they were too numb to care. Either way, Rin was met with no protests as she snatched a bottle of bourbon from Kusanagi's shelf and ducked out through the side door into the alleyway.

It was then that the sobs bubbled up her throat and escaped in a high keening sound from between her lips. She hunched at the waist and placed a steadying hand against the stone wall to keep herself from collapsing altogether. Her chest hurt, and suddenly the familiarity of this place was suffocating. She could hear Tatara's laughter echoing between her ears and see him poking his head out the side door. It was all too much. She needed some place away from here – a place that was safe and unwavering, where she could be alone.

Stumbling out onto the sidewalk, Rin tried to collect herself enough to make her way to the one place she had dealt with such thoughts before; a place that was already littered with shards of bottles from months of her own self medication.

If she could not find solace there, then at least she would find it in her bottle.

Author's Note: I was so ashamed it took so long for me to update that last chapter, so I busted my butt to get this chapter finished quickly and to my satisfaction. I'm sorry it was so depressing, but many of you knew this was coming. I want to say something though so there is no confusion: Grief is a ferocious emotion, but I am in now way suggesting you should drink yourself into a stupor if you are experiencing it. Please go and talk to someone about what you are feeling instead of turning to self-harming actions. There are people who will support you!

I already have the next chapter outlined, so hopefully I will get it done within the next week. First round of midterms are coming up, so I should be studying… Anyway, I love reading all your reviews! Thank you guys again so much for your kind words, and I hope all you lovely followers had a wonderful Valentine's Day! xox