I'm sorry if this is OOC – it's tough to write Jane as open and confiding, because he's definitely not. However, I felt for their relationship to succeed there had to be the beginnings of trust and openness – hence this chapter. Also, there was no hint in the series that Jane ever slept with anyone other than Lorelei so I liked the idea of exploring that.
Thanks so much to all of you who reviewed. Feedback is greatly appreciated and encourages quick chapter updates. On with the show ….
She breathed in deeply, feeling strangely relaxed and at peace. Still in the fog of sleep she couldn't quite figure out why she felt so good. All she knew was that it was a long time since she'd felt so calm and she wanted to simply lie there and enjoy it.
Soon, however, something impinged on her semi-conscious state. It wasn't anything bad, rather something pleasant, something safe. She took in another deep breath and realized that's what it was – the scent. It was something she recognized, that she knew really well. It was Jane.
Her breath caught. Jane. It all came rushing back and her eyes popped open, his face only inches from hers. Yes, it was he and he was lying curled up next to her, his arm thrown across her waist.
She couldn't help it when she saw him beside her. She smiled. He was here, with her and he loved her. He'd said it in front of a whole plane-load of people and this time hadn't taken it back or tried to cover it up. She closed her eyes again and took another deep breath. Yes, there it was – that same scent. She couldn't quite describe it – it's not as if he wore cologne or even anything discernable. It was just something she'd grown used to over the years and now, as she breathed him in, she realized that it had come to mean the world to her.
She opened her eyes again, this time more slowly, and simply looked at the man asleep - miraculously in her arms. She'd seen Jane sleeping dozens, in fact more like hundreds of times over the years, but never like this. He still looked tired, the dark circles giving evidence to his lack of sleep, but he no longer looked tense or as if he held a world of guilt on his shoulders.
No – he was deeply, restfully asleep. His entire body was relaxed, his mouth even hanging open a bit and his breath slow and deep and steady. She couldn't help grinning slightly. Who would have thought she'd ever see him like this? She felt a warm glow, a sense of satisfaction because she knew she was responsible. He was fast asleep; relaxed because he knew he was safe in her arms.
She leaned over and gently and so softly he wouldn't notice kissed his brow. She loved him so much.
Lisbon continued to look at the man she knew so well and yet in some ways not at all, even after all these years. In many ways he was still a mystery to her, but one she hoped to begin to figure out. She just prayed he'd let her.
Stopping that train of thought, refusing to let serious thoughts enter her mind right now she instead relaxed and let herself simply take him in. After a few seconds of staring at his face, without having to worry about anyone catching her or thinking anything of it, she allowed her eyes to roam more freely. He was a good looking man, by anyone's standards and for once she could damn well just admit it – and admit that she was attracted to him. Hell, attracted? She was crazy about him, all of him, although she had to admit that there were certain things that had fueled her dreams for many years.
She loved his mouth and his smile and grinned a little when she thought of the kiss that had touched that particular fantasy. She was definitely looking forward to more – many, many more of those. One other fantasy had, as yet, to be fulfilled and, without thinking, she reached out her hand.
His hair was beautiful and she had long ago lost count of the number of times she'd dreamed about being able to put her fingers through it, stroking the golden curls. No man should have hair like this, she thought. It was too beautiful and way too tempting.
But he had told her he loved her and he wouldn't mind, would he? With a smirk and a shrug she softly put her hand down on top of his head – gently – and began to thread her fingers through the curls. She allowed her eyes to drift closed and enjoyed the moment.
His breathing didn't change and he remained deeply asleep. It was only then that she realized how exhausted he must have truly been. She wondered briefly how often, over the last twelve years, he'd gotten a full night's sleep. She frowned at herself and pulled her hand back. What was she thinking? He needed to sleep and she was going to wake him up.
"Don't stop", he sighed softly, his eyes still closed. "Feels good."
After a brief pause she resumed the stroking. He sighed and moved his head slightly towards her, clearly enjoying the caress. A moment later and she was sure he was back to sleep, a soft snore leaving his mouth.
She continued for a few more moments and then gave a small sigh of her own. As wonderful as this was, she knew she needed to make a call. It wasn't fair to leave it any longer. Carefully she pulled herself away from Patrick and slowly stood up. She gave one last look and with a small smile blew him a kiss. "I'll be back soon", she whispered.
Glancing at her watch she saw the time was just a few minutes after 1:00 o'clock. They'd been asleep for almost four hours and it looked like Jane was out for the count. She grabbed her cell and quietly made her way out to the small balcony. Dreading what she was about to do, she hit speed dial.
"Hi Teresa!" Marcus' happy voice greeted her. "Everything okay?"
She'd texted him just after she'd gotten off the airplane last night, telling him simply that something had come up and that she couldn't make the flight.
"Hi Marcus. Uh – yeah, everything's fine."
"So, I'm assuming you solved the case? Was it one of Jane's crazy plans?"
Oh God! She realized suddenly that she had absolutely no idea what had happened with the case. She'd meant to ask, when she heard Abbott mention that Jane's room was a crime scene, but she'd been too tired to really care. Since Marcus obviously believed she'd been held up because of it, this was rather awkward.
"Oh, you know Jane", was all she answered. "Uh look Marcus – what are you doing right now? Are you busy?"
"No, not really. I was just going to grab some lunch. Hey, can you make it here today? I can hardly wait to see you and I'm excited about showing you the apartment."
Damn it to hell! She closed her eyes, wanting to groan. She'd felt bad – no awful before. Now she felt worse. "Look, I wanted to talk to you about that, but – are you alone?"
There was a moment's silence and then his voice came back on, sounding suddenly cautious. "Hold on a minute." She heard walking and then a door open and close. "Okay, I'm alone. What's going on Teresa?"
"I'm so sorry Marcus, but I'm not going to be coming to DC."
There was another pause. "I'm assuming you mean 'ever'?"
"I – look, I really am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I thought we could have a great life together and you're a wonderful man, it's just -"
"Teresa!" he interrupted impatiently. "Cut the crap. I don't need a bunch of platitude's telling me how wonderful I am. What's going on?"
She took a deep breath. "It's over Marcus. I'm sorry, but I have to break things off. And I know it sounds cliché'd but it really isn't your fault – it's mine."
"I actually suspect it's more like Jane's fault." After a pause he continued. "It was him, wasn't it? He finally got the balls to tell you how he feels and you fell right into his arms."
Since it was close enough to the truth not to matter, she had trouble answering. After a moment however, she continued. "It's not his fault Marcus. It's mine. I thought – I really wanted things to work out but – it wouldn't be fair to you. You need someone who's -"
" – not in love with another man. Yeah, you're right." After a few more seconds of silence he laughed softly. "Casablanca huh?"
She thought back to that night and wanted to cry, but instead just sniffed. "Yeah, I'm afraid so. I am so sorry."
"I know", he sighed. "Just my luck. Well, tell Patrick that I wish him the best and that he's a very lucky man. You can also tell him not to screw this up because I'll be down in a second if he does."
"I'll tell him", she said, softly, a hitch in her voice. "Thank you for everything Marcus. I do wish you the best and hope you meet someone wonderful."
"So do I Teresa. And oh – good luck. I'm thinking you're going to need it!"
She clicked off the phone and slowly dropped her arm. The tears began to flow down her cheeks. She attempted to scrub them away but they kept coming faster than she could wipe them off.
She didn't turn when she heard the sliding door open and felt him move to her side.
"You okay?" he asked gently. He didn't touch her, but simply stood there, looking out towards the ocean, his hands loosely holding on to the railing.
She sniffed but didn't reply. Instead she stole a glance at him – to see his calm, expressionless face. It was the face he'd worn for years – the one that gave nothing away, that carefully hid all his feelings under an air of calm and certainty.
Except she knew he was feeling neither calm nor certain. It was strange – he had only admitted his feelings to her a few short hours ago but suddenly, she could read him like an open book. His calm exterior hid real fear – fear that she had changed her mind, that Marcus had convinced her to go to Washington and be with him. For the first time it became blindingly clear how little confidence Patrick had in himself when it came to her. No wonder he'd been so frightened to tell her how he felt.
"No", she finally answered softly. "I'm not okay." She could feel him tense and knew this had to be killing him, but also knew he'd do anything for her. She felt a surge of gratitude for this man – and a realization of the power she had over him. She had to be so careful not to hurt him. "I'm not okay. I just hurt a good and decent man and I really, really need you to put your arms around me and hold me right now." She turned towards him, the tears still trailing down her face.
With a small grimace – of relief and of love – he moved towards her and enveloped her in his arms. "I'm so sorry love. I know it must have been hard. He is a good guy."
"He told me to tell you you're lucky", she hiccupped.
"He's right, I am."
"I hated hurting him Patrick", she said softly. "He didn't deserve it."
"You didn't intend to Lisbon", he told her. "I know it doesn't mean anything, not yet, not now, but it would have been much worse if you'd let it go farther."
"I know", she sighed. "But I shouldn't have even let it go this far. I knew I didn't really love him like he deserved."
When he didn't speak Teresa pulled her head back and looked at him. He was wearing that blank face again, the one that told her something was bothering him. She sighed and leaned her head onto his chest. "But you're wondering why I did, aren't you?"
"It doesn't matter Teresa, as long as know what you want now."
"Of course I know what I want, but I also want you to understand. I'm – when you came back into my life after being gone for those two years I was so happy. Suddenly you were free – free of Red John – and I hoped that – well, you know. But when nothing happened, when it didn't look like you wanted anything more than friendship I realized that if I wanted a life beyond work I was going to have to let go of you. I told myself that Marcus was a good man and that eventually I'd think of you as a friend, nothing more. But it didn't work. The closer I got to leaving, the less I wanted to go. But you still didn't say anything and I didn't think you cared for me like that."
"I thought I was pretty obvious. Abbott obviously knew", he said holding her more tightly.
"Well, it was obvious to me that you wanted to be obnoxious and were trying really hard not to be – but that didn't necessarily mean you loved me. Patrick, I almost left!"
"I know", he sighed and kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry Teresa. I'm an idiot. But you have to admit that in the end I was pretty open about it."
She choked and buried her head in his chest. "Pretty open? Hell, you told an entire plane full of people. I've never been so embarrassed."
"Really?" he said, sounding rather hurt.
"Or so charmed", she said gently. "It meant everything Patrick – you'll never know how much. And the lady next to me told me that all the women on the plane were jealous!"
At that he put his finger under her chin and lifted her head. Looking into her eyes for a moment he then leaned down and gently touched her lips with his. The kiss was soft and caring, full of neither passion nor longing – but simply a way to show her how much he loved her and that he would always take care of her.
They stood there quietly, holding one another and allowing the reality of their love to wash over them. It was Patrick who first broke the silence.
"I'm hungry", he announced. "And I want a tea."
"Of course you do", his love answered, calmly. "Room service or do you want to go out?"
"Hmm? Stay in a hotel room with a gorgeous woman or hobble out on crutches with a bunch of paunchy middle-aged tourists? Let me think a moment."
"Room service it is", she grinned. "You realize Abbott isn't going to pay for all this."
Jane shrugged. "I got it."
"But can you afford it?" Teresa knew he didn't make a lot of money working for the FBI. She guessed they figured they could be cheap since he didn't have a choice in working for them.
"Of course I can", he answered indignantly and he made his way slowly back into the room. He grabbed the crutches, which were just inside the balcony door and hobbled back towards the bed. "I had some savings you know."
"Savings? But weren't all your things seized by the government?"
"Yes, but I wasn't convicted of anything so they had to release everything when I got back. But that's not what I meant. I also had savings off-shore."
At her raised eyebrows he rolled his eyes. "All perfectly legal Lisbon. Just a way to save on taxes. I didn't spend much of it before because I really didn't need anything. Come on, let's order."
Once the order was placed Jane sat back on the bed, his back resting against the headboard. He watched Teresa who was wandering around the small room. She suddenly turned to face him.
"What about your house?" she asked carefully, not sure if that was a taboo subject or not.
"My house? Uh, it's still there, although I almost lost it because of the taxes. I couldn't really pay them when I was on the island. Anyway, I managed to work it out only because the bank figured it'd be hard to sell anyway."
At Lisbon's confused look he took a deep breath and let it out "No one wants to buy a house where people were murdered. Not a good selling point."
"Oh. I – so what do you plan to do with it?"
Jane sighed again and leant back, not really wanting to talk about his house. Instead he wanted Lisbon to come and sit beside him and put her fingers through his hair like before. No one had done that since – he closed his eyes – since Angela, and he loved it. "I don't know", he told her. "Haven't really thought about it. Teresa, come and sit down. You're making me nervous."
"Really?" she looked at him in surprise. It was his sudden, irresistible smile that had her relaxing. "Sorry – this is just rather – new." She climbed onto the bed and sat beside him. "I still can't believe we're here."
"In bed?"
"Yes – no – I mean here – at this point. It's rather ridiculous isn't it? We've known one another for twelve years and only now are we -"
"In bed together?"
She snorted. "Yeah – sitting up waiting for room service."
"Why, you'd rather be doing something else?" he asked mischievously.
"Damn right I would", she informed him. Before he'd even had a chance to respond she turned and was kissing him. And this kiss was passionate and was full of longing and for once he was wishing that someone wasn't about to come and interrupt them with dinner.
He was pretty sure the server knew exactly what they'd been doing before he got there with the meal cart. Jane figured his hair was probably a mess, and his shirt was hanging out of his pants. Besides that, he knew his mouth must have had a 'just kissed' look because – hell – she was some kisser.
"Still hungry?" she asked, peeking under the covers on the plates.
"Starving", he nodded.
"Here", she handed him a plate with a little bit of everything on it and then climbed on the bed with her own plate. "Mmm – delicious", she muttered through the piece of bread in her mouth.
Rather than eating, he was staring at that mouth of hers – that wonderful, adorable mouth that he wanted to kiss again and again. He was starving for her and was ready to put aside his plate.
"I thought you were hungry?" she said, teasing him.
"Oh, I am Teresa, I am."
She blushed – she couldn't help it. This was such a weird situation – like nothing she'd experienced with any man. But then again, this was Jane she was talking about. She grinned and took another bite. "It's good."
"Mmm", he agreed, although he continued to watch her.
He wasn't quite sure how to handle things. In fact, as must as he desired her – and he really, really did – he was also nervous as hell. He knew his teammates, at least the CBI ones, thought he'd been quite the ladies' man before his wife. They took his actions after he'd nearly drowned as being evidence of what he'd been like before Angela. The truth was – he had never been that man. Oh, he'd been smooth and arrogant and able to con just about anyone, but he'd never been a player and he didn't quite know how to let Lisbon know that.
"Here, let me take your plate. You want more?" she asked.
"No – no I'm fine, thanks."
"Good." After she'd put all the dishes on the cart she climbed back onto the bed and regarded him calmly. "So – what now?"
He sighed and reached for her, pulling her closer to him so that her head was resting on her shoulder. "I don't know", he admitted. "All I know is that I love you and I want this to work."
"If it's going to work then we're going to need to be honest with one another", she told him.
"I know." He kissed the top of her head. "It – may be hard for me, you know that don't you? It's not that I don't want to but –"
"Old habits?"
"Mmm hmm", he gave a lopsided grin. "I'm afraid I'm too used to not sharing things with others."
"You were too afraid of being hurt again", she said softly. It wasn't a question.
He shrugged but didn't disagree. "But I want to change and I know I can trust you – it's just – please be patient."
"Jane, I've stuck around for twelve years. I think I can do patient."
He chuckled softly and kissed her. "I guess you can."
"I'm also getting better at reading you."
"You are?" He sat up and looked down at her in surprise – whether real or feigned she wasn't quite sure.
"Yup – I can read your mind you know. I have psychic powers."
"Right!" he gave her his full-watt smile. "So what am I thinking right now?"
"That you'd really rather be kissing me than talking."
He leaned forward slowly. "Well, what do you know. You are psychic!"
It was awhile later – just as things were getting quite heated, that he pulled away. She looked at him in confusion, not quite sure what was wrong, but sensing there was something. Trying to slow her breathing – and focus on something other than the fact that she wanted to continue what they were doing – she forced herself to sit back. "What's wrong Patrick?"
He looked down – more uncomfortable than she had ever seen him. Something definitely was wrong.
"Uh – nothing. It's just – you know that honesty we were talking about?"
"Yeah", she frowned in confusion.
"Well, I need to tell you something because I think you may have the wrong idea about me."
"O –kay", she said slowly, forcing herself to sit back against the headboard, wondering where this was going.
"You remember that time when I almost drowned and woke up and couldn't remember anything?"
"Of course."
"And I came across as kind of -"
" – a jerk?"
He grinned. "Well, I guess you could put it that way. Remember the first thing I asked you."
"Yeah, you wanted to know if we were sleeping together."
"Right – well, I think you think that that's what I was like before – before Angela."
"And you weren't?" she asked, confused as to where this was going.
"No", he sighed and stopped. He then swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up. "I – did I ever tell you about Angela?"
"No – not really."
He nodded, knowing that was the case. It was only recently that he could really even think about his wife, let alone talk about her. But if he was going to make this work with Teresa he had to let her in on his life. It was going to be hard but he knew it was vital.
"She was carny, just like me", he told her softly, looking down at the floor. "We met when we were young – kids really – and became friends. We hung around together when we weren't working the shows. Eventually we fell in love."
"How old were you?" Lisbon asked softly.
"Oh – sixteen, seventeen I guess. It happened gradually you know. We went from being best friends to", he gave a lop-sided smile "to more than friends. She hated the carny life and so did I. We made a pact that as soon as we could we'd leave. The moment she turned eighteen we ran away. We got married soon after that."
"You were young", was all Teresa said.
"Mmm hmm. Too young – but we made it work. For the first few years we lived in one room slums and I eked out a living doing whatever I could. I hated it, but Angela was happy – as long as we lived someplace without wheels, she said." Again he smiled, obviously remembering. "Slowly I began to build up clients, pretending to be psychic and finally, after a few years I was making a decent living. In fact, pretty soon I was doing really well. That's when we found out she was pregnant."
Teresa didn't say anything, knowing how hard this must be for him. It was hard for her too – listening to him talk about the woman he'd loved and lost – but she knew it was something that had to come out.
"That's when I bought the house in Malibu. I wanted someplace special for her and for our child. When Charlotte was born – I thought life couldn't get any better."
He sat quietly then, not saying anything for a long time, caught up in past memories. Finally, he took a deep breath and continued. "Afterward – after Red John – you know what I was like." He turned to her and gave a small smile. "I guess 'obsessed' is putting it mildly."
"It is", she agreed, although she smiled back. "But don't forget all the good you did along the way – and the friends you made. It wasn't all Red John."
He didn't agree, or disagree, although he gave her another smile. "Yes – well, whatever I did, the last thing I thought about, or was even interested in was another relationship. I was sure my – heart – had been buried with Angela and Charlotte." He stood up abruptly although he was hampered by his ankle and ended up sitting back down. "I don't want to sound maudlin but that was the truth – at least the truth until I realized that you had become essential to me."
He turned around on the bed and faced her. "I'm not saying I even recognized it was love – not until a long time later – I just knew that you made everything – bearable."
"I'm glad", she told him. "You did tell me once that you loved me you know."
He closed his eyes for a second. "Before I pretend shot you?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah – sorry. That was a bit of a -"
"A -?"
"Well, let's say I didn't mean for it to come out – although I did mean it, I just didn't know I meant it."
"Good to know. Sorry – go on."
"I didn't want a relationship with anyone – wasn't interested in one – not while I was searching for Red John."
"Lorelei?"
He let out a huff of air. "Good old Lorelei. Honestly, she was nothing more than a combination of hangover, gratitude that someone seemed to care about me – she bailed me out of jail you know – and suspicion that she might be a link to Red John."
"You didn't love her."
"God no!" he answered quickly – too quickly to be a lie. "And it definitely wasn't a relationship." At Lisbon's skeptical look he reached out and took her hand. "Lisbon – it was one time – one hangover induced time and it meant nothing."
"Really? I always wondered if you had some kind of thing for her."
"No – only in so far as she could lead me to Red John. She was not a nice person."
"Okay – so once with Lorelei, but you didn't want a relationship with anyone."
"Right." He stopped and looked at her.
"What?" she asked, sounding irritated.
"No one until now, until you", he told her softly, gently.
She knew she was missing something – something important, but couldn't quite tell what it was. Nothing he had told her, except the few details about his life with Angela, were a surprise. Still, he was acting as if he'd just told her something that he had never shared with anyone else – and she didn't get it.
"Jane I – I'm sorry but – what is it you're trying to tell me?"
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Lisbon – you all think I was some kind of ladies man and I wasn't. Angela was my first and only girlfriend and we married at 18. I was a completely faithful husband – except for that once with Lorelei." He finished and looked at her expectantly. It took a few moments before she finally got it.
The man she loved – the one she had thought must have been quite a player – at least before he was married – wasn't. In fact, he had less experience than she had. "Oh", she covered her mouth with her hand and looked at him in surprise. A few seconds later she started to laugh.
He looked insulted – something she'd rarely ever seen on Jane. "I'm sorry", she told him ,trying to catch her breath. "I'm not laughing at you – really." It took a few seconds before she calmed down. "Jane – the man I love just informed me that he was faithful to his wife and didn't sleep around. I can promise you that that is something every woman wants to hear. I'm laughing because I'm relieved. I thought you were going to tell me something horrible."
"No, not something horrible just – rather embarrassing."
"Why embarrassing?" she asked, frowning in confusion.
"Well – Pike was tall and athletic and handsome – and I'm sure experienced. I'm not sure you got the best deal here Lisbon."
She had no idea he was so insecure. She sobered up immediately, knowing that her reactions and what she said were extremely important. "Jane, can I tell you something? For the last few years I've had a number of fantasies – and none of them involved Pike – or any other man – other than you. You are the sexiest man I know and I lust after you. When you kissed me – hell, was it only this morning – it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. There is nothing I want more than to make love with you and I am not comparing you to anyone else. And the fact that you were such a wonderful husband – that makes me love you even more, and makes me realize how lucky I am that you love me too."
He was quiet for a few seconds, letting himself, no forcing himself, to believe her words. It was hard for him – he still wasn't quite sure why she loved such a messed up person like him. Still, she did – and he loved her and he wanted her. So what the hell was he doing just sitting here?
"Come here", he said softly, drawing her into his arms. "So Lisbon – tell me about these fantasies of yours."
She laughed softly. "Only if you tell me yours."
"I thought you could read my mind."
"I can", she told him, drawing her hand lightly down his chest. "But it's better hearing it from you."
"Well, let me start with the fantasies I've had about your mouth …" he leaned down and gently kissed her. "And then we'll move on to other parts."
"You promise?" she whispered, her lips still touching his.
"Absolutely."