Author's Note: Here's my next Marina one-shot!

Day One-Hundred Ninety: Starlight by Marina and the Diamonds

Stupid Spencer.

My first instincts about her were pretty much spot-on; she would do anything to get to the top. She'd do stupid things and demean herself to get there. She'd even sell her mind and soul to idiots (probably those same idiots who just wanted to get close to her because of her last name).

And then she lied about it. That was what made me so uneasy; she lied to everyone—including herself—about just how little self-respect she had left. I couldn't be around her like that. I thought she deserved better and clearly, she didn't see it in that way.

The demise of our relationship happened not long after the honeymoon phase passed…perhaps three or four months after it started? It was hard to say. Maybe a month after the honeymoon stage—so likely, about five months into the relationship—Spencer's grandmother had died and I began to see her true colors. That sounded like an awful thing to say. But anyway, I noticed how she would do anything to get people to like her. She'd lie and let them cheat…it was all completely belittling to her. Maybe fate had timed it perfectly that I'd begin to see who she was around when her nana died (and that was more to her benefit rather than mine; I wouldn't kick her while she was down). Unfortunately, fate had failed to realize that both Spencer and I realized I'd up and run before we could fix things.

Unfortunately, that was the kind of person I was. I didn't fight. I just got up and left.

She said I was too good for her…or maybe that I thought I was too good for her. Neither was true. Spencer was a much better person than I could ever hope to be, in many ways. But in several ways, it just felt…weird being with her after finding out who she really was and how she had no problem with demeaning herself. She didn't need me; she needed someone who would fix her. I wasn't that person. To be honest, I wasn't even sure I was in love with her. I was just lonely, like she told me a lot before we dated. I just wanted somebody to hold. Maybe that was true. I didn't really like being alone.

She said that stars and people had to learn how to be alone. I didn't know what that meant. I still don't know what that means.

I never took astrology in high school. It was an offered course, but it never held much interest to me. There were only a few things I knew about them:

a) They were hot. Burning hot.

b) They were old. Really old. They lived to be really, really old before they died.

c) Dead stars turned into black holes. Right? Maybe that one's wrong, but it's something like that.

d) Most of them were far away. The sun was like an average-sized star, so the really big stars were probably a gazillion miles away.

That was all I knew. Love was probably like stars in a lot of ways, now that I'm thinking about it. They're both fickle, if I had to guess; they just drop down and die when they feel like it, turning into black holes in the end.

One thing was for certain: idiots took their time to examine the both of them as they crashed and burned. Spencer and I were idiots like that when we dated.

Her: "That's my favorite constellation over there."

Me: "It just looks like a lot of stars."

Her: "Yeah, but don't you see Taurus?"

Me: "Taurus? Isn't that like a goat? Or a bird?"

Her: *sighs* "It's a bull."

Me: "Oh."

Come to think of it…that was how most conversations of ours went. I would ask dumb questions and she'd respond with a correction or an answer, since she was just so smart. But at the same time, she was so damn stupid. She was a really nice person and I could never try and downplay that, but she was completely fucked up, to say the very least. She just let people use her. Our other conversations would go like this:

Me: "Do you want to meet sometime this week and go out or eat or something? Monday?"

Her: "Aria and I have a chemistry project together."

Me: "Does that mean you're doing all the work?"

Her: "No."

Me: "Well…what about Wednesday?"

Her: "Alison needs help studying for a psychology test."

Me: "Friday?"

Her: "…Andrew needed to meet up with me about debate club."

I don't exactly know what Andrew wanted from Spencer, but it definitely wasn't anything good. He was scum in human form if such a thing existed; everything was for personal gain for him. Spencer was so stupid for selling herself to him (and what exactly that meant, I can't be positive, since I don't know the nitty-gritty of what went down with their little "meetings").

I guess I just have to learn to let it go. She's never going to see that she can do better. She's not going to ever see that she deserves better and that she doesn't have enough self-respect. I just have to deal with it and get over it.

Maybe I was so harsh on her because we were similar (though, obviously, I wasn't a girl, and she was much prettier and smarter and more talented than I could ever hope to be). We were recluses who believed in solidarity…that was why we would never work. We were too much alike. We liked to do our own thing. I needed my own space to do my own thinking. I couldn't just sit idly like some people can.

So now it was off to go find myself, I suppose. I could hope that Spencer would do the same, but I knew she wouldn't. We were really poles apart, though we were somewhat similar in personalities.

I guess in the end, I do know what love is like. Starlight. You fail to see it until the star is already dead.

Sarah: I'm so sorry. Who is that? I have no clue who PTV is. But would it be so bad if you did like me in a lesbian way? Because I personally wouldn't care. Thank you.

MilaMizz: I'm totally not offended if you didn't like the last one-shot; it sucked. That's awful. My mom permanently broke her nail by doing that. Oh, I'm sorry. I like pillows, too.

Tomorrow's one-shot (and it should really be tomorrow) will be Poison & Wine by The Civil Wars. I will be praying like all day tomorrow and ugh synagogue is a boring, boring place. Sleep in late for me, friends who have off tomorrow for Rosh Hashanah. -Kayson