Ellie awakened to find that Joel was still there, one of his arms folded back beneath his head, the other resting protectively on her side. She rolled over, moving his hand as it dragged across her belly, and replacing it on her side once her back was to him, and rubbed her face in the pillow, wriggling herself backwards until her mind caught up to her waking state and she remembered. Anna. A string of disjointed swearing followed in her mental train of thought. Then she wished she was asleep again, forgetting. Forgetting was best these days. She raised a hand to rub her face, feeling the tender puffs of swollen skin which were still very much present beneath her eyes. Releasing a sigh, Ellie edged her way back even more into Joel. He let out a disgruntled sound and cranked open an eye.
"What're you doin'?"
"Squirming," she returned in a husky voice, clearing her throat and trying again. "Wishing I was still sleeping."
"Hm. Me too. Lie still, and you'll drift off again. It's early."
She sighed, and shifted, tugging the pillow more toward her right side, only to squish it back again.
"Ellie..." Joel mumbled.
"What?"
"Lie still."
"I'm trying..." she returned in an exasperated whisper.
"Try harder."
She cursed, and had half a mind to elbow him, but the combination of the early hour and the residual exhaustion of her sorrow enforced passivity, and Joel very nearly was pulled back into the oblivion of sleep when he felt the bed shift again. He flexed his hand, poking a finger into whatever part of Ellie was nearest.
"Hey," she hissed. "Watch it."
"Are you gonna let me sleep?" he began, his eyes still firmly closed.
"Move your arm," she mumbled, tugging against him. "I wanna get up."
"No." He clamped her gently, but firmly down.
"Joel..."
"Ellie, I'm tryin' to sleep. You should too."
"Joel, I've gotta pee! Let me up."
He heaved a sigh and obediently released her, hearing Ellie swing her legs over the side of the bed, making quiet grunting noises as she quickly but gingerly made her way to the bathroom. "Holy crap, why do you do that..." he heard her whisper, and he could only assume it was to the growing child inside who must have shifted onto her bladder.
When Ellie emerged a few minutes later, Joel was nowhere to be seen, but the door was open, and so she drifted downstairs, dragging herself along the wall all the while, and sighted him through the living room area opening cabinets in the kitchen.
"Breakfast?" she said hopefully, and he turned.
"I think so. Maria and Tommy are out, so we're on our own."
"Sweeeet!" Ellie grinned, crossing the floor, and petitioning, "Sugar in the oatmeal?"
"I thought you didn't like oatmeal."
"Heck, I like anything if you put sugar in it."
Joel chuckled. "Alright. But only a little. Can't have Maria gettin' on to us."
"Or worse, sending us out on another long haul," Ellie said, rubbing at her eyebrows. Joel turned with a perturbed look on his face.
"Now, just last week you were whinin' about how you hadn't gone on a run with me in forever. I thought you were gettin' all cabin-fevery–"
"Hey, I can't change my mind, can't I?" Ellie returned, getting to her knees and pulling two bowls from a lower cupboard. Joel watched her as she pulled herself up again with an unladylike noise, one eyebrow raised.
"What gives?"
"I dunno," she shrugged. "I guess I just sorta-" She broke off, one bowl in place on the table, the other still in her hand. "...This is gonna sound really stupid."
Joel nodded. "Alright, then. Shoot."
"All the sudden, I'm like – what if something happened. Like – to me. It would hurt the kid too, wouldn't it? And it would totally not be its fault, and that's not fair, so I guess I feel like I should play it safe." She shrugged. "Dumb, I know."
Joel's back was to her as he poured the dry oats and rationed in the sugar.
"Doesn't sound dumb to me. Sounds like you care about the baby."
"I mean – it's inside my freakin' stomach, we're sorta stuck with each other, at least for a little while longer," she mumbled, her cheeks pinking slightly.
"Ain't nothin' to be ashamed of. You want to protect the things you care about. Sounds smart."
Ellie was regarding him with a fixed look. "How much longer is it gonna be, Joel?" Her voice had gone nearly airless. He replaced the twist of wire on the bag of sugar, and turned to see her, leaning against the table, her eyes large, and seeking his.
Joel ran a hand backwards through his greying hair, and turned back to the cupboard, opening another door and looking at the piece of paper taped within.
"Wait a second – Maria made a chart?" Ellie said, releasing her grip on the table and crossing the room, peering at it. There were a list of months written on the wrinkled paper, seven of which had been crossed off. "So... what does that mean? Isn't it supposed to be nine months?"
Joel's finger hovered by the eighth month. "Pretty soon," was all he said.
They ate their oatmeal in silence, Ellie doing her best to keep her thoughts away from Anna. By the time they had finished, she was fighting back tears.
"Ellie, you want to do somethin' for me?" Joel asked softly.
She sniffed, and shrugged. He grabbed both their bowls, seeing that Maria still hadn't made her appearance, and plunked them into the sink. "Maria and Tommy will be back later, I guess. I think you and Maria should talk – you can ask her more about her chart if you want." Ellie listed her head to one side with an expression of defeat. Her thoughts were overtaking her. "I'm gonna go get that little shaving kit you found me, see if you want to lend me a hand."
She dragged her gaze up to his. "You want me to do it like the old days?"
He nodded. "Like the old days."
Joel returned in fairly short order and pulled out his chair, gesturing for Ellie to pull hers nearer. It was unspoken that Ellie would rather stay inside; she wasn't up to running into anyone, least of all Anna. If Joel's suspicions were right, Maria was over there now. Sweeping the clippings outside was an easy enough task.
Ellie zipped the kit open and pulled out the tiny scissors and comb, her face a mask of stillness as she hitched her chair even closer until their knees bumped, and mumbled, "Alright, look up." Joel willingly tilted his chin up into the air, and Ellie' small fingers pushed the hairs this way and that, beginning to snip his beard into some semblance of tidiness, her pupils dilating as her concentration grew.
"Ellie," Joel said at last.
"Hey, I'm doing the weird little part in the middle," she said, yanking the scissors back from the dip between his upper lip and nose. "What?"
He took a deep breath. "I've got somethin' for you. Somethin' I should have given you a long time ago."
She furrowed his brow. "What is it?"
"Finish up, and I'll go get it."
"What is it?" she repeated, somewhat suspiciously.
"Finish up," Joel returned, and she sighed, returning to her task, her small hand on his jaw guiding his head into the proper position as she snipped the last hairs that needed tidying. She brushed her fingers through his now carefully-trimmed beard, freeing the clippings, and flicked at the loose pieces on the thigh of his jeans.
"Yow got some hairy knees, man..." she drawled, her smile crooked. He aimed a gentle swat at her.
"Lemme go get it."
Ellie found the broom and brushed the bits from the chair to the floor, sweeping them into a lopsided pile, pushing a few pieces through a knothole in the floor with the toe of her shoe. She heard Joel's footsteps return just as she zipped up the kit.
"I guess I should let you read it," Joel murmured, extending his hand. The girl went to him, her brow furrowed, as she accepted the water-warped envelope. Extracting a piece of faded notebook paper, Ellie unfolded it and eased herself to a seat in Joel's chair.
"Dear Ellie,
I don't have any idea when you will be reading this, or if you ever will, but I want to write it all the same, if only to keep my promise to your mother, and to keep my conscience clear. Clear of any wrongs toward you, at least. Your mother wrote you a letter the day before she died. I suspect you have it, and hopefully have read it many times. She loved you very much. You look just like her. You see, I wasn't just keeping you away from me out of selfishness, I was doing it out of kindness. Anna made me promise to keep you safe, and the best way was to give you to the military. I've been looking after you all this while, just from a distance. The Fireflies aren't something a kid needs to be raised being a part of. Then you and the Abel girl hit it off, and I knew it was only a matter of time. I've been looking after her from afar too,but the little daredevil was set on joining us.
This is a big secret, Ellie, but I think it is one you deserve to know. I know how you felt toward Riley, even if no one else noticed. I've seen that look in someone's eyes before, that blind adoration, and I know it, because it happened to me. I never knew your father, and Anna never spoke of him – he up and left just as soon as she figured out she was pregnant. He was a soldier, that much I know. I have a feeling that if we had known each other, we wouldn't have gotten along real well. I never was much like most people, all the stuff that was expected of me I never did, and all the stuff that no one expected from me, I set my heart on. I loved Anna. Loved her with everything I had, and everything I was. When she was alone, before you were born, I looked out for her, and promised to take care of you both. And when I failed, and she got bit, it just about killed me what she asked me to do.
Thankfully, you were born soon enough that she hadn't started to turn much at all. She was so worked up, the delivery was hard. You were so little, such a skinny baby, with hardly any hair. "What a weak-looking thing," she said. "Do your best to take care of her." She named you, and then she wrote your letter. And then I shot her. She told me to, so with you crying from the pile of blankets in the corner, I laid her down in her bed and she closed her eyes, and I shot her through the skull like any merciful person would have. I couldn't watch her turn, and hurt someone else, and she wanted it this way. She begged me, and I gave in. I still wake up in cold sweat on summer nights remembering.
Survive, Ellie. Above all, survive, and live for love. Don't you let anybody tell you how to live your life. Your life is the only thing that's really yours, so do it good.
Marlene"
Ellie looked up, tears blurring her vision, a sob caught in her throat. "Marlene wrote this?" she whispered. Joel nodded, his face sober.
"I'm sorry I didn't give it to you before this. I was hangin' on to it. I don't know why. Maybe waitin' for the right moment-"
A knock on the door interrupted Joel's poorly planned speech. He stopped short, dropping his head for a moment, before muttering, "I'll get it." Ellie ran her eyes over the paper one more time, resolving to read it again, and soon, and savor the words more, perhaps even question Joel further, but focused for the moment on clearing her throat somewhat noisily.
Joel pulled open the door to see Tommy, but he was not alone; the figure that accompanied him caused Joel to swing it in on it's hinges until only a gap barely big enough for his face remained.
"Tommy, what the h-"
"Just let us in."
"No." Joel cast a backward glance over his shoulder, and hissed, "Do you realize what you're doin'? Bringin' somebody home like a stray pup, except this is the pup that almost bit the baby's hand off?"
"Stop with the metaphors, that ain't you," Tommy returned in an irritated tone of voice. "Just open the door."
"And let him in? What-" Joel stopped short, inhaling a deep breath through his nose and squeezing through the gap, closing the door behind him. "What are you doin'?"
"Givin' him a place to stay."
"Yeah, but does it have to be your place? Our place? Maria, Ellie's place?"
"Joel, look," Tommy returned, spinning the figure around, displaying a pair of hands ziptied so tightly together the skin shone white in a band above and below the plastic. Joel released a short growl.
"And his legs? What about when he decides to run off, find his buddy, get himself loose -"
The boy spoke for the first time. "I can't run." His voice was devoid of any agitation whatsoever. "Look if you want."
His gaze lingering on Tommy's, Joel squatted and grabbed the pants leg of the young man's jeans, yanking it up to expose a thin calf, a shinbone laced with scars. "What happened to you?" he demanded, pawing the other one up and seeing similar patterns of scars.
"Born that way. Lots of surgeries let me walk at all, there was a doctor in our zone when I was young. I'm not fast," he continued doggedly. "And I make a crap ton of noise. That's what James always said."
At the mention of the name, Joel straightened, getting one step closer to the boy, their chests almost touching, though Joel was a full head taller.
"What don't we talk about James, hm? And what was the other guy's name? The one that locked my girl in a cage and tried to-"
"Joel," Tommy barked. "We've already been through this. He had nothing to do with it."
"But he was with them. One of them."
"James was my brother, but there's little love lost between us." The young man cringed as if regretting his own choice of words.
"Maybe we should discuss this first, in private..." Joel muttered to Tommy, but Tommy retorted:
"Nothin' to discuss, we've been through it all. Chewed the fat, and chewed it some more until it almost tastes like Copenhagen long cut." Joel raised an eyebrow in spite of himself.
"Don't you get on to me about my metaphors, then."
"Point is, other man is still tied up. Won't talk, don't know a thing about him. I left him in the office. Reuben here, he's told us everything. I think he's harmless."
"You just believed him?" Joel's voice was incredulous. "Whatever sob story he told you about his life, his brother, bein' the runt of the litter-"
"That's pretty much it," Reuben cut in. "Runt of the litter. David bossed James, James bossed me. And Phillip, and Jeffrey, and Eugene and Don. All of 'em bossed me, I was everybody's errand boy, punching bag... whore." He looked up with steady eyes, meeting Joel's gaze. "I hated them, I hated what they did to me, but I hated more what they did to the others."
Joel held the gaze that sought his for a long moment, tearing his eyes away at last and croaking, "Did you – did you ever-" He inhaled deeply, hoping not to have to finish this sentence.
And Reuben looked steadily back and answered, "Yes. Once. When they tricked me. I threw it up afterwards."
Tommy stared at his brother. "See. I don't want him in the office building anymore, not with the other man. But I can't have him roaming the streets yet, so I brought him here. That okay with you?" If irony was layered into the words, Joel let it slide.
"Alright, but keep him tied up," he said at last, reaching for the handle behind him and opening the door. "And let him know that one wrong move-"
"I know." Reuben's chest rose and fell with a sigh. "Tommy already told me. A bullet through both temples, one of them probably from him, and the other one either from you, or from the girl."