Author's Note: Make up whatever parts of this you'd like :)

Also, all credit for the lyrics goes to Elizabeth Woolridge Grant and Justin Parker. (Well, they both wrote the song, idk if Lana wrote the lyrics or if they both wrote it...?)

Day One-Hundred Ninety-Five: Dark Paradise by Lana Del Rey

Spencer, Spencer, Spencer.

I woke up to find Aria shaking me.

"Spencer. Spencer!" she called as my eyes snapped open. I groaned when I saw her, Hanna, and Emily around me.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"You know today is the first day of school, right?" Emily asked. "We have half an hour before school starts."

I just groaned again. I closed my eyes again, just so I could see his face for a split second longer. I sighed as I opened my eyes once more. I didn't know how I was supposed to endure this day while thinking about him all day. Ten minutes later, I had on the outfit I laid out the night prior and was putting on my makeup.

"Who are you getting dressed up for?" Hanna asked softly as Emily and Aria were getting my breakfast ready downstairs.

I blanched. "What?"

"Are you trying to impress someone?" she asked earnestly.

I looked down at the outfit I had on. I was wearing a pretty blue sundress. It was something I'd never wear. My hair was also done with some effort. I hadn't realized it, but I was dressing for him.

"No," I insisted as I put my makeup back on the vanity. "We should probably go now."

Hanna was about to question it further, but before she could, I grabbed my bag and walked downstairs. Emily and Aria were waiting in the kitchen with a muffin and a coffee.

I closed my eyes quietly as I listened to the song.

It's all for you. Everything I do. I tell you all the time, heaven is a place on earth with you.

It was like I could hear him singing it to me.

Tell me all the things you want to do.

There were a lot of things I wanted to do with him.

It's better than I ever even knew. They say that the world was built for two; only worth living if somebody is loving you. Baby, now you do.

Now I knew.

I let my body melt into the very hot bath water. It reminded me of summer and the ocean on the shore. It was our spot. That was our song of our summer. It sounded that way every time he sang it.

I missed him. He was all I thought about as I closed my eyes and sank lower and lower into the water. I didn't want to be with anyone except for him. Every time I closed my eyes, it was like I drifted off into memories of the summertime. It was like my skin was soaked in that dark sunshine. Thinking about it now made it feel like a dark paradise; paradise because he was there and dark because all I had now were the memories.

You're fine. Just breathe. Breathe, Spencer. Breathe.

I took strangled, shallow breaths. Sometimes, I just wanted to let myself sink completely into the water, never to come back up again. Sometimes, I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. I was always scared that when I opened my eyes again, he would be gone; his memories and his voice wouldn't even be a memory.

You're fine. You're perfect, Spence. Just perfect.

I didn't feel perfect. I didn't feel fine. I knew I wasn't fine. I wished I was dead. His voice just kept echoing in my head, saying everything was alright when I knew it wasn't.

"Spencer, this guy doesn't sound like he was any good," Aria insisted as she ran her fingers through my hair as I told all the girls about him.

I shook my head. "No, he was amazing," I responded. I would never find anybody like him.

"Even if you thought you loved him, it was just a summer fling," Emily insisted. "Why are you staying faithful when you only knew him for a few weeks?"

"It was love, Emily," I answered a bit harshly. I knew in the bottom of my heart that it was love. You don't just turn your back on love.

Aria stopped combing my hair. Emily stared in either confusion or judgment. Hanna just looked at me sadly. I closed my eyes.

I love you.

Sometimes, I wondered if it would've just been easier to forget about him. There was no way I could just force myself to forget. His face was like that old song you remembered as soon as you heard the lyrics. Then, as soon as you remembered, the song would never leave your head.

I moaned as I felt him kiss my neck. A few moments later, I was about to scream out, but I had woken myself up to find that I was alone. He wasn't there with me. I could've sworn that I had felt him touching me, though. He was there in my dreams. He was there, kissing me.

You're fine. Baby, you're fine.

I didn't feel fine. I didn't feel relieved anymore. I felt like he—or his spirit—was lying to me. While I didn't want to wake up from those dreams, I didn't know how much more of this I could take. Everyone was rushing me, trying to get me to wake up and be away from him. Didn't they realize that it wouldn't help? I was never out of his reach. I loved him so much, but sometimes, his presence felt like torture. It was like a dark paradise.

Nobody would make me forget about him. There was no release from a memory.

Some days, I wanted to get up and call him. But I couldn't call him. He had no phone. He had no home. The only place he was was with me. His voice and his presence lived in my soul. He wasn't anywhere else to be found.

He only existed in my dreams now.

I am sitting in Latin as I type this.

MilaMizz:I do the same in the shower, but I also sing. I personally liked that next level of crazy I added at the end :) I'm always here to vent. I look at funny pics on Tumblr. I'm glad you liked them. Last night, I woke up at 3:45 AM. The only time it's acceptable to be up at that hour is when I stay up that late, not when I wake up then.

eveningshades1107:THANK GOD I'm not the only one who never really cared for Alex. I don't know...he was never particularly...nice to Spencer? Like when did he ever really compliment her? Not very often, if at all. Spoel ranks higher on my ship list (as it should because come on, that loathsome/sexual tension is hot). I was totally thinking of the pottery scene when I wrote that. Totally and Noel has a crush on Toby (that would be the most hilarious thing ever). I love Spencer as a sociopath (she would be the best sweet serial killer, lbr). Most of the Toby hate is just so awful. I really hate that they did the stupid double agent thing because that's where a lot of people get their material (and unfortunately, some of it is pretty credible) AND I just found it to be totally OOC because I don't think Toby is that dumb (or at least dumb enough to go about it the way he did). But still...Spoby on the A Team is like my dream because I'd just love to see that shift in character for them, especially Spencer. I loved writing that one and I'm glad that you (seemed to have) liked it.

Sarah:Hmm? No, I like murdering people in my stories. And I was just feeling kind of stabby that day. It's alright. We all get sick. And tbh, no review is a bad review. Getting eaten sucks, I imagine.

: Really? Thank you so much for sitting through 193 or so one-shots! I'm so glad you liked them!

AL3110: Okay, you'll have to tell me later in the week. I wasn't really cute. I looked like Dora. You WILL eat a lot of fat. And sugar. And oil. And can't forget about salt. My mom and I are trying to decide where to bring you guys out to eat on Staten Island. I told my mom that and she laughed. I actually reread Ride recently and I really liked it. Of course; pizza is life, duh. I'm like more than 1/3 done with TFIOS. It'll probably be done by the time you come to the US. Of course, I'm a fire sign. But lol no I am not an old guy. You can be Lana, sure. But then I wanna be Marina. I want to hear more about this red squirrel.

And now I'm home because we had a stupid timed translation but whatever.

You know what I hate? When teachers assign like 3 hours of homework and don't tell you about a quiz until like 20 hours before it happens. Ugh.

Tomorrow's one-shot will be Jealousy by Marina and the Diamonds and it sucks.

Now to the explanation. As anyone who reads SSS might know, I have not been in the best state, mentally, so it's all been taking a toll on me. Honestly, I wasn't up to responses on Saturday and I had no time to do so yesterday because it was my mom's birthday and I had stupid homework to do, too.

And tomorrow I get my history test back and only one person got higher than a B, thus far, so guess who probably got a B? This girl. B is for Bad. -Kayson

P.S: My writing tumblr is now up and running! You can follow me on hemingwayandthebodyelectric on Tumblr and I'm going to upload my non-PLL work on there. I uploaded my first piece, "The Dollhouse," so for those of you that like creepy stuff, it's on there.