Author's Note: I really need to start coming up with new material.

Day One-Hundred Ninety-Eight: I Know It's Too Late by Lori Martini & Rebekah White

I can't sleep. All I can see is your face in the dark. It's like I'm back to that night of the storm—the night that everything changed.

Now, I feel like I see exactly who you are. And I don't like it. I'm torn between loving you and hating you. Can you imagine that dichotomy? It's something the two of us would've laughed about three months ago, in the summer. It was sort of like when we went from loathing each other to loving each other a year ago. Were you betraying me then, too? Where did the truth stop and the lies begin?

That aside, I don't know how I actually feel about you being on the A-team. I mean…I know that's the ultimate act of betrayal, but I don't feel like you're the person I have most to fear. You don't scare me. You never did. I don't think you ever will. And still, there's this little part of me that thinks you're the person I have to fear the most. You had no problem with lying to me about…everything, really.

I don't know what to do now. I don't know why I'm in Radley. I'm not crazy. You didn't make me crazy. I'm broken now—not just by your betrayal, but the things that you, Mona, and whoever else are doing—but I'm perfectly sane. I just want someone to acknowledge that I'm perfectly sane.

You asked me once, "What's a good way to say someone's obsessive?" There is none. Obsession equates to insanity. Insanity is…well, you can only guess. Once you're branded with "insane", there's no escaping it; it penetrates deeper than just a name or a title.

I'm obsessed—or I was obsessed—with finding out who A was. And now that I know…I can't erase the image out of my brain. Just like you can never un-wear the hoodie, I can never un-see you in it. I'm obsessed with the idea of you as A, and not in a good way. I'm confused and haunted by it.

Maybe I'm a masochist. I'd say it's more than probable. Every time I relive seeing you, I see your face—which I still miss waking up to on occasion or seeing every now and then, when you'd pass by my house—but I'd still see that damned hoodie. The pain just envelops me and won't let go.

So does that make me on your side? On the girls' side? On my side? I have no clue. It's so hard to see what's wrong and right when my vision is so bleared from all this crying and thinking and theorizing. What did I do? Sometimes, I just wished I stayed oblivious. Ignorance is bliss. Now I know that your "love" was just an alibi and our "love" was just a lie.

Now I'm stuck here. It's too late for "I'm sorry" or anything that might make anything better. It's too late for either one of us to fix any of this. Now, I had to wait for fate. Fate would do as she pleased. I wished I had the power to control what happens to me, but I don't. I gave up all my choices when I went insane. When I became obsessed…when I went crazy, all for you. Who am I anymore? I don't know. The Spencer Hastings I thought I knew would never have let this happen to her.

Sadah (jk I'm messing with you Sarah): I'm glad you can still recognize mistakes, though. My comp sci teacher got an e-mail from a student in 9th grade and they used "their" instead of "there" and I was just about to spaz out (I'm not even joking; it makes me so irate it's funny). By the way, I was reading TFIOS today and it used to be really funny and now it's just really depressing. Oh, no, I thought I was supposed to know who/what Esin was and I got really confused. I thought maybe it was a typo. I'm glad you liked it. Over the weekend, I'll be sending you another chapter (or maybe two, but I'd count on just one at this juncture).

Tomorrow's one-shot is Down My Spine by Rachael Sage and I'm just warning you, it's not about Spoby. It's about Spoby's daughter (or son? But I think I explicitly referred to her as a girl. If not, I was picturing a girl, but if you want a dancing boy, I'm not going to stop you). You were warned. -Kayson