Okay - so two - I repeat TWO chapters in one day. I think I deserve brownie point - or preferably, lots and lot and lots of reviews. Please ... and than you!
"So, can I ask who here has other children?" Carl asked the assembled parents. Two of the couples, Joe and Tamika, Brian and Rachael put up their hands.
"Thank you", Carl smiled at them. "I have a daughter Amanda who is four and a baby boy who's eight months. His name is Ryan. Tonight we're going to talk about two different but similar subjects. First we'll talk about those who have other children now, and how you have dealt or are dealing with that. Then secondly we'll discuss the idea of having another child after a loss. Both are difficult subjects and there's no right or wrong and no judgment here. Everyone deals with things in a very different way, and I want everyone to feel free to express how they're feeling."
As had happened on each previous evening, everyone took turns talking. Things were different now, though, as others felt much freer about commenting on what someone said. Usually they were encouraging words – or sometimes questions if a subject hit close to home. Never, however, did anyone judge or blame, something that made it increasingly easy for the participants to be open and share.
Jane still found himself surprised that he was able to sit through these meetings and actually get something out of them. Sharing had never been his thing – even before the tragedy. When you're a con man, even a relatively benevolent one, you tend to keep things to yourself. Giving away details, and especially thoughts and feelings could get you in trouble – or lose you a mark.
In fact, looking back he realized that the only person he'd ever truly been honest with in those days had been Angela. He'd known her – or to be more accurate she'd known him, since he was a kid. And he could never pull anything over on her. He smiled softly in remembrance. It had been wonderful to have someone know you and love you like that. Although again he acknowledged that Angela tended to ignore his – baser – qualities.
He was amazed that now he had that again – someone who knew him inside and out. The ability to be open and honest, although difficult, was rather freeing, he realized. He no longer had to think about everything carefully, to make sure he always had his stories straight.
The wonderful thing too was that he felt something similar with this group, at least when it came to his loss. He knew he could trust these people with the deepest darkest part of him. And the fact that they didn't love him meant that he could share the knowledge without burdening him. Yes, it was freeing.
He tuned back into the conversation from the parents who had other children already. They spoke about how difficult it had been to go on and continue to care for another child or children when all they wanted to do was crawl in a hole and die. They talked about the joy they got from their living child and children and how lucky they felt to still have that in their lives. And they admitted their fear that something could happen to another child and how they thought that would destroy them.
That, of course, was the perfect segue into the discussion about subsequent children. He sat up straight, knowing that this was going to be difficult, but it was something he needed to deal with. It was why he'd come here in the first place.
"So, can I ask if there are those of you who are thinking of having another child in the near future?"
Stephanie put up her hand, followed a moment later by her husband Andrew. From the look on his face he wasn't so sure and Jane figured he had his hand up because it was something his wife wanted, not because it was something he wanted.
After a moment of hesitation, Jane put up his hand. He got some surprised looks because he hadn't spoken to anyone about Teresa. He was pretty sure everyone thought he was still single – everyone but Andrea, who so far hadn't said anything.
"So, Stephanie, Andrew, let's start with you." For the next few minutes Stephanie spoke about the strong desire to have another baby.
"We had Matthew when I was still in college", she explained, "and we wanted to wait a few years before we had another one. Money was tight back then and I wanted to finish my degree. And then, by the time we were ready to try again, we discovered Matthew had cancer." She took a deep breath, finding it hard to continue. "I really want to get pregnant again, but Andrew doesn't want to."
"Andrew?"
"I can't go through another loss", he said softly. "I – Matthew was my buddy and I just – I don't think I can do it again. If something happened to him I'd die. We're happy the way we are. There are other things we can do. I mean, maybe we can get a dog or something."
"A dog?" His wife turned to him in anger. "You're saying we should replace a child with a dog?"
"I'm not saying replace. We don't have a child. I'm just saying I don't want to chance losing another child. I can't do that Stephanie." His eyes were filled with tears and his hands were clasped together, his knuckles white.
Jane glanced down and saw that he was doing the same thing. He was also having trouble taking a full breath of air.
"Your reaction is very normal Andrew", Carl said gently, trying to bring the emotional level down a notch. "It is frightening to contemplate another child and a lot of parents struggle with that. Some even choose not to risk it. The issue here, of course, is that one of you wants another child, and – at least now – the other doesn't." Carl turned at that moment to Jane. "And what about you Patrick? You put up your hand to say that you were also thinking of another child. Can you talk about that? And then we'll discuss some of the different things that go into making the decision and the fears that people have."
Jane cleared his throat, not really wanting to say anything. He knew he could pass, it was always okay if you didn't want to speak. But this wasn't the time to be a coward. This was the time to lay himself open and deal with this.
"I'm not thinking about it", he told them. "It's already happening. My girlfriend Teresa is pregnant."
There was clearly some surprise in the room, although no one commented on the fact that he was in a relationship.
"How far along?" Marissa asked softly.
"Uh – I don't know", he admitted, feeling a sense of shame. "Not very. I mean, she's not showing yet."
"And how do you feel about it?" Carl asked.
Jane bit his lip, thinking about how he wanted to answer. Eventually he decided to just tell the truth. "Terrified. Angry. Resentful."
"Go on", Carl told him. Everyone in the room was quiet, their eyes focused squarely on him. Andrew had given a single glance at his wife and then turned his attention back to Patrick.
"It was an accident. We hadn't talked about it." He smiled slightly. "I've known her for years but the relationship is new. I guess I'd just assumed that kids wouldn't even come up. We're both older and she's always been focused on her career. So I was – surprised – when I found out."
"And angry?"
"Yes, and angry", he admitted, shifting his legs. "I know she didn't do it on purpose. I trust her." He stopped, knowing that the people in the room had know idea what that meant, that trusting her was in itself a huge step for him. "But I still couldn't help but be angry. I felt – feel – like she should have known, that maybe she was careless because she really wanted a child."
"Do you honestly believe that?" Carl pushed him, without sounding at all judgmental.
"No, not really", he said carefully. "At least not most of the time. When I'm panicking then it comes up."
"Have you talked this over with her."
"A bit. She knows how I feel and that I didn't – don't want kids but other than that we haven't really talked. "I – couldn't."
"I see. And you still feel like you don't want children?"
"No – yes, I mean, I like kids – love them – I just – can't have one of my own. I didn't protect my daughter and I can't – can't risk another one."
"So it comes down to fear, is that it."
Jane swallowed and nodded. "Yes. I told you, I'm terrified."
Carl nodded. "That's a very common reaction", he told the room. "Andrew, I expect you're feeling the same."
"And so am I" Marissa said, "although I don't even have a boyfriend or husband, so it's not really an issue."
"Yes it is", Carl told her. "Even if now isn't the time there may come a day when you do have to deal with the reality of it. It's a good thing to start thinking about it now."
"But I've told Andrew that once the baby comes he'll be happy and won't worry so much", Stephanie cried. "Isn't that true?"
"How can you know that?" her husband asked. "I think it'll be even worse. How can I look at a child of ours and not think that cancer is waiting around the corner to take him or her away from us."
"The chances of that are slender", she told him. "The doctor said it's not genetic – it was just a fluke."
Andrew laughed. "Do you really think that helps make me feel better? What if it's something else?What if our kid walks out in the street and gets hit by a car?" He stopped and looked at Carl guiltily, suddenly remembering how his son died. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay", Carl shook his head. "It's true, it could happen. I agree with Stephanie that the chances aren't great, but they aren't impossible. Something bad could happen to your child. There's no way of knowing."
"I worry about my younger kids", Tamika told everyone. "My daughter Rachel is ten and my son Ben is eight. I think about it all the time, but then I look at them and think how much joy they bring me and I'm glad I have them. I don't think you ever don't worry as a parent, regardless of whether you've lost a child. It's just – now we're even more careful. And now we take more time with our kids. We don't want to ever regret not spending enough time with them, or not loving them enough."
"Yeah, I feel the same", Brian told them all. "We have twins – they're six. I'm actually worried that they'll kill each other." Everyone laughed. "But they're the joy of our life and I wouldn't ever give them up." He stopped and looked at his wife. "I'd even consider having another one if Rachael agreed."
Again there was silence. It was Andrea who broke it. "Patrick – I understand that you're afraid but – what are the chances of another serial killer coming after your child? I would be more nervous if I were one of the others who lost a child because of an accident or cancer."
He felt his lungs constrict, which was probably a good thing, because he really wanted to yell at her. Fortunately Carl stepped in, which kept him from having to respond.
"Andrea, I don't think it's really about the reason our children died, or even about the odds of it happening again. Just losing a child and then the thought of being responsible for another one is naturally frightening. Let's not compare situations."
That was the harshest and most direct Carl ever got, but Jane wanted to hug the man.
"You said your baby is only eight months old", Jane asked, after an awkward pause. "I assume that it was after you lost Daniel that you decided to have another child?"
"Yes, Daniel's been gone for four years. It took us that long to agree on having another child." He laughed softly. "Actually it was me that took that long. I think my wife would have gotten pregnant immediately if she could. She agreed to be patient as long as I didn't say a definite no. Finally I was able to deal with it and she got pregnant right away."
"Were you worried?"
"Terrified", he smiled, echoing Jane's word. "Still am. But is it worth it? Absolutely. Every time I walk in the door I thank God that my wife had the courage I lacked. I hold him and watch him grin or let him slobber all over me and I think that I'm the luckiest man in the world. I'll never forget Daniel – he'll always have a place in my heart. But I've discovered that the heart is big enough to love as many children as you want."
Jane nodded, trying to let the man's words reach his heart. He knew he had to start rethinking the idea of a child, but even that was frightening. He looked over at Andrew, to see the man dealing with much the same thoughts. At least he had some time. Jane only had a few months.
The conversation continued. Carl as well as some of the parents with other children talked about coping techniques. They told about how they were more careful, while trying not to be paranoid. But they all repeated how much their children meant to them.
"I'm sorry." Everyone was leaving and Andrea approached him, putting her hand on his arm. "I didn't mean it to come out the way it did", she explained. "I was actually trying to be helpful."
Jane gave her a small smile and nodded. "I understand. It's okay."
"No – it's not. I know how I would feel if someone said something like that. It was stupid", she smiled, "but well-intentioned. Look, I know you have a girlfriend, but I really would like to buy you a drink, just to say thank you. I also wondered if you could tell me any more – you know, about your dream?"
"Andrea -"
"Please", she reached out and put her hand on his arm. "Please Patrick?"
"Patrick!" Carl came up to him and slapped him gently on the back. "Oh, excuse me Andrea – I didn't mean to interrupt but I just need to talk to Patrick for a moment if that's okay?"
"Uh – sure." She stepped back and watched as Carl drew him away and out into the hallway.
Jane regarded him, wondering what this was about.
"I'm sorry", Carl told him. "You looked like you could use some rescuing. If I'm wrong I apologize and will leave you to it."
"No – I mean, thank you. I don't want to hurt her but -"
"I know, I understand. I've seen it happen once or twice when there are people here without spouses. Don't worry – it's just her way of coping and she'll be fine."
Jane thanked him. "Uh – could you say goodbye to Andrea for me. Tell her -" he wasn't sure what to say.
"I'll tell her you had to run – that your girlfriend was expecting you."
"Great – thanks Carl."
He took longer than normal on the way home. He had a lot to think about from tonight's discussion. One of the things that he'd realized was that ignoring the problem – he snorted – not problem, ignoring the baby wasn't making it any easier for him to deal with. If he wanted this relationship to last he was going to have to come to terms with the fact that he was going to be a father. And he was going to have to start now.
Once resolved to do that – although how he wasn't quite sure – his thoughts moved to Andrea. She was still interested in him, that much was obvious. And he was going to have to deal with that or it was going to get worse. He hated the thought because he knew she was grasping at anything to bring her comfort. He just couldn't be that 'anything'. With a sigh he pulled into his driveway and stopped the car.
"Hey", she said as he walked into the house. She was sitting on the couch, reading. He knew that it was her way of waiting for him, of being concerned, without appearing to be hovering. It allowed him to tell her about his evening or not. If he didn't want to talk – and sometimes he didn't – she'd continue reading. If he did she'd put her book down.
Tonight he didn't give her the chance. Instead he walked over to her and took the book from her. Lying it down on the coffee table he sat beside her and put his arm around her. "Hi."
"Hi." She turned and kissed him back. "How did it go?"
"Good", he nodded. "Fine." He sat there simply holding her and breathing her in. He began to gently stroke her shoulder. "Teresa?"
"Mmm hmm?" She was resting with her head on his shoulder, her eyes drifting closed.
"When are you due?"
"Hmm?"
He smiled. "Your due date? When is it?"
Her head popped up at that, practically hitting him in the chin. "My due date?"
"Yes?"
"Uh – oh, it's April 14th."
"April 14th? Spring baby." He pushed her head back on his shoulder and rested his on top of it.
"Yes." There was a pause. "Jane?"
"Hmm?"
"Why are you asking?"
"Well, I should know, don't you think? I mean, I don't want to make plans to be away or anything."
"No, no I guess not." She relaxed against him. "Where would you go anyway?"
"I don't know", he muttered, sounding as if he was falling asleep. "Just want to make sure."
"Okay." She smiled as she watched him doze off. She cuddled into him and relaxed. Maybe things would work out after all.
Over the next few weeks Jane made attempts to acknowledge her pregnancy more than he'd done in the beginning. He would actually refer to it on the odd – very odd – occasion. He also started to become stricter about her workload and finally made her go in and tell Abbott.
"He's going to take me off field duty", she complained.
"Good", was all he said as he turned the page on his book.
She knew she had to tell her boss because she was showing and soon it would be obvious to everyone. For now she'd been able to hide it, but she was small and it wouldn't be long before the bump was obvious.
So she told Abbott the next day – and to say he was surprised was an understatement. "Jane? A father?" He shook his head. "This will be good to see."
She looked a little sad at that and her eyes moved to where he was seated on his couch. "He doesn't want it", she said softly.
"The child?" Abbott sounded horrified.
"Oh – no, I didn't mean that – at least not quite the way it sounded. I meant he doesn't want fatherhood. He's frightened."
Abbott nodded. "Understandable. He'll come around."
"He's trying. Uh Sir – could I ask you not to say anything? I'll tell the others, I just don't want anyone bringing it up to him. He really can't deal with it right now."
Her boss sighed, but agreed, although secretly he thought the best thing would be for Jane to start acknowledging it and have people talk about it. This avoidance thing had to make it loom larger than it actually was.
Lisbon told everyone in the office, but also asked that they not say anything to Jane, explaining that it brought up memories of his daughter. People were sympathetic and agreed, although she suspected that there would come a time when someone slipped.
Jane knew instantly that everyone knew. No one said anything of course, but it was written all over people's faces – and their bodies. He wanted to roll his eyes at how bad people were at keeping secrets.
Cho – of course – refused to let him off the hook. At least once a day he told Jane he was an idiot and to get over himself. As harsh as it sounded, it was rather good for Jane. He knew it was true and so he tried.
Teresa was frightened and wondered if she should call and ask Grace if she could come out and visit. She didn't have a mother or sisters to help her through this and Kim had never had kids. Besides that, Kim had announced she was leaving to take a job in DC. She'd miss her, but right now her attention was focused on her pregnancy.
She'd opted not to have amniocentesis, since her Catholic upbringing wouldn't let her contemplate an abortion if there was something wrong with the baby. She had done a blood test to see if there was any likelihood of a problem, but even though it had come back negative, her doctor had explained it had only limited value.
But it was time for her eighteen-week ultrasound and she was frightened. Because of her age there was an increased chance of problems with the baby. She didn't know what she would do if they found something, and hated the fact that she would be alone. Somehow Cho – as much as he was a good friend – just wasn't the right person to bring along.
She could ask Abbott's wife, although she didn't know her that well. She was a nice lady, but not really a friend. No – she'd have to see if Grace could come out. She was frightened and needed some support.
Jane knew something was wrong but hadn't been able to get anything out of Teresa. She was looking good – great even. Pregnancy suited her and he found himself checking out her belly at odd moments during the day. He thought back briefly to Angela's pregnancy and felt a huge wash of guilt. He'd been there with her, every step of the way. He remembered going through he unknown with her – the frightening and the fun. They talked names and baby things and what it would be like to be parents. He'd done none of that with Teresa, and it wasn't right.
He'd been trying to come to terms with it, he honestly had. Every time he'd tried to take a big step – to actually talk to her about something – he'd freeze. He hated himself and was feeling guiltier every day.
And now there was something wrong – and she wasn't saying anything because of his selfishness and stupidity and fear. Enough was enough Jane! Tonight he'd talk to her.
After dinner they often sat and listened to music together or read – sometimes they watched TV. Many nights however they simply talked. Often it was about their day – and little things. Sometimes they got into more serious issues as companionship and the day to day of life began to strengthen their trust.
Tonight he pulled her to him and went into the bedroom. He smiled and had her lie down on the bed.
"Looking for some fun?" she grinned.
He knelt on the bed beside her and leaned forward for a kiss. "Maybe later. Right now I just want to hold you and to talk."
"Really?" her eyebrows lifted. "Sounds nice."
She cuddled into him and was pleased – and surprised – when his hand circled her belly and he began to stroke it. Usually he avoided touching her there. "Jane", she said after a minute.
"Yeah?"
"Would you be okay if I invited Grace for a visit?"
"Just Grace?"
"We could invite Rigsby too. It's just – it would be nice if she could come."
"Sure", he told her. "Any particular reason?"
He felt her grow tense, although to be fair she immediately forced herself to relax. "No – not really", she told him.
He almost called her on it – he could always tell when she was lying. But this time he was sure there was a reason and one he needed to discover. "What is it?" he asked, gently turning her over onto her back. "Is something wrong?"
"No", she denied quickly, although her eyes filling with tears gave the lie to that one.
"Teresa please – tell me. What is it?"
"Jane – I can't – it's okay, really. Grace can help me. You don't need to worry."
Of course he was instantly terrified. "Oh God – there isn't something wrong with the baby is there?" He could feel himself start to panic. What if there was something wrong? Oh God – what if she lost it? He didn't think he could bear that. "Teresa?" he asked, the panic clear in his voice.
She knew instantly that she had frightened him and felt terrible. "Nothing's wrong Jane – I'm fine."
"But why – what is it? Please tell me."
She sighed and covered her eyes with her forearm. "I just – I'm a little scared, that's all."
"Scared? By why? What is it? Did they find something?"
"No, no. Jane – it's okay. I just have to go in for my eighteen week ultrasound and I'm a little worried. Because I'm older there are more chances that something could be wrong. No", she touched him reassuringly, "they haven't found anything. I'm just nervous about it, that's all."
"Oh." He felt his heart-rate slow down, but now he was thinking about the fact that she was older and there was more likelihood of problems. For some reason, in all his imaginings and fears that was one thing he hadn't considered. He'd thought about something happening to the baby after it was born, not that it would be born with a problem.
He realized at that moment that he'd been quiet for a long time and that Teresa was looking both tense and sad. Okay – now was the moment he had to stand up and be a man – not just a man, but a father. "And that's why you wanted Grace here? So she could go with you?"
Teresa nodded. "I didn't want to bother you."
And that made him furious – not at her, but at himself. He wanted to curse and scream, but instead took a deep breath. "You – wouldn't take me instead, would you?"
To say she was shocked was an understatement. "Jane?" She sat up and looked at him. "This – do you know what you're asking?"
"Uh, to go to the ultrasound with you?"
"Yes but – can you handle it? I mean, you'll get to see the baby and everything."
"I know. I've been to an ultrasound before – many times in fact." He glanced down for a moment and then back at Teresa. "I went with Angela. I saw Charlotte for the first time then and it was – amazing. I'd like to see our child too."
She swallowed and took a breath – and promptly dissolved into tears.
Jane smiled and took her into his arms, knowing that the tears were ones of relief and happiness – with probably a dose of anger towards him. But that was okay – he deserved it.
After she calmed down he got a cloth and wiped her face. "When is it?"
"Next Tuesday at 10:00. I asked for the time off already."
"Okay. I'll speak to Abbott and tell him I'm going with you. You're sure you're okay with me rather than Grace."
"Silly man! Of course. Although you'll have to take me out for a nice dinner afterward."
"Your wish is my command oh pregnant one."
"Jane?" she asked later, when they were curled up under the covers.
"Mmm hmm", he said as he again traced her tummy.
"How come – why -"
"Am I coming with you?"
"Yeah."
"Because I love you and I realized I've been a coward and a fool. It's still hard, I won't pretend otherwise, but I also know that avoiding it isn't making this easier. So, from now on I'm going to do better. I want to be with you for your appointments and – I want you be able to tell me things, okay?"
"You're sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome." He kissed her ear. "Now, for that fun you were mentioning?"