Hi Everybody! I have returned!
Firstly, I'm very, very sorry this took so long (and isn't even a super-long chapter to compensate). I got a new job and it completely screwed up my writing schedule, so I just didn't manage to do any writing for a couple months. If it wasn't for my dad's constant support (read: nagging) I might not ever have actually gotten off my butt (well, figuratively at least, considering I write at my desk) and started writing again. So if you want to thank someone for this story finally being updated, thank him.
Hopefully, I can get the next chapter out to you faster than I got this one! A low goal, perhaps, but baby steps. In any case, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and thanks for reading!
P.S. I came up with this chapter title/pun and almost wished I was doing a story about some sort of AU where the Soldier and Demoman go to their high school reunion. But I'm not. Oh well.
"Why tha bloody hell would ya have convinced ol' Solly he's dead?" Tavish asked, as they walked to the Palace of the Earth Spirits.
"Well, I felt that someone who attacks others simply for not knowing the name of a place could stand to be reeducated a bit," Satori said, "and being that this place essentially used to be hell, purgatory popped into my mind as a relatively easy way to convince him that his way of thinking was wrong."
"Now look, I know tha' Soldier can be xeno- xeno-," Tavish said, "damn, Engie used it to describe him once, wha' was it? Xenomorphic, I think. Soldier can be xenomorphic, sometimes, and I can' say I've never thought o' tryin' ta get him ta not make fun o' foreigners so much, like that one time, when he said me fresh, homemade haggis tasted like wet sheep, an' then we go' into a fight abou' it, an' he said I was an Englishman in a dress or summat, an', an', I was goin' somewhere with this," he finished, putting his hand on his chin.
"You were?" Yamame said.
"Something about it being cruel to make someone think they've died to change them?" Satori said.
"No, no' tha'," he said, frowning, causing Satori to stop and look at him, confused.
"You need more to drink?" Yuugi said.
"Yes! Tha' one. Tha' was my point," Tavish said, snapping his fingers. "Anyone have any more o' tha' sake? Or a beer?"
"Here," Yuugi said, passing him a bottle of sake she'd been holding.
"Cheers, mate!" Tavish said, toasting with the bottle before he began to chug it down. After drinking for a good fifteen seconds, he handed it back to Yuugi. "Ah, tha' hit the spot. Wha' were we talkin' abou' again? Oh righ', Soldier." He scratched his head, "Abou' wha' ya said earlier," he said, turning to Satori, "It does seem kinda messed up to me, but he's had worse done to 'im. At least this time it's for a good reason."
Satori smiled. "Well thanks for your approval then."
"It ain' exactly approval. And if it gets out o' hand, I'm gonna tell Soldier the truth, so don' get carried away," Tavish said, slurring slightly. "Speaking o' which, what is th' plan here exactly?"
"I wasn't entirely sure," Satori said, shrugging. "I mean, I thought I'd basically just start by trying to get him to apologize to Okuu, then maybe start moving on to getting him to recognize that not everyone shares the same views as him."
Tavish raised an eyebrow skeptically. "I don' think there's e'en a chance in hell o' that happenin'. But if you're gonna try anyway, what'm I supposed to do?"
"I'm…not really sure, honestly," Satori said. "I guess just tell him your honest thoughts about him? I can try to spin you into some sort of physical manifestation of his own unease or something."
Tavish, Yuugi and Yamame all stared at her in various forms of confusion.
"I said I wasn't sure," Satori said, shrugging. "And at least this way you get to see him again." She sighed. "And yes, I know it's strange. But it's really the best way to keep up the illusion that he's dead. Oh, shut up," she said in irritation, her expression becoming a scowl.
"I didn't say anything," Yamame, Yuugi, and Tavish replied, synchronously. Satori just sighed in response.
"Come to think of it, are you two going to stick around for this?" Satori asked Yuugi and Yamame. "Don't you have other things to do?"
"Nope," Yamame said, shaking her head, "besides, I haven't been to the Palace in a while, it'll be nice to check in on people."
Yuugi scratched the back of her head. "I can probably afford to wait another hour or two until everyone recovers before helping out with the reconstruction effort," she said.
Satori rubbed her eyes and shrugged. "Well that's ok, just don't mess anything up."
After a little bit of walking, during which time they discussed the plan a bit more, and came up with lines for Tavish to say to pretend to be part of Soldier's subconscious (and writing them down on some paper after the second time Tavish forgot), they arrived at the front of the Palace of Earth Spirits, where Satori lived.
"Bloody hell, tha's a big castle," Tavish said. "E'en bigger than Soldier's."
"That man has a castle?" Satori said. "And it looks like that?" she said, as a picture of the old, crumbly castle the Soldier had taken from Merasmus came to his mind. "I really didn't think I could be surprised anymore, but I guess I can."
"Well, technically it's a raccoon preserve or summat, I don' know," Tavish said, rubbing the back of his head.
"Miss Satori, Miss Satori," a woman with dog ears said, running towards the group.
"Miki, calm down," Satori said, sighing. "We have guests," she said, gesturing towards the rest of the group.
"Ah, oh, sorry," she said, quickly bowing towards Tavish, Yuugi, and Yamame. "It's just that, well, we have a slight problem," she said, looking down and pushing her pointer fingers together.
"Oh boy," Satori said, rubbing her forehead in irritation. "He didn't."
"I'm afraid so, Lady Satori," Miki said, nodding.
"How?" she asked, simply.
"Well, I'm not sure, but I was standing guard like you asked, and he was yelling and shouting something, and then there was a loud thump, and he was crying out in pain. And then I went to check on him, but as soon as I opened the door he came flying out past me and hit his head on the far wall," Miki said.
Satori sighed, "I guess I should have seen this coming. Is he back up yet?"
"I believe he's still unconscious in the infirmary," Miki said. "Am-am I in trouble?" she asked, looking like a wounded puppy.
"No, no, it's not your fault," Satori said, waving her hand.
"Wha's happened?" Tavish asked, getting fed up with being confused.
"Oh, right. Your teammate's injured himself again," Satori said, turning to face them. "And is therefore currently resting in our infirmary."
"Bloody hell," Tavish said. "Do all your guests end up injured?"
Satori frowned. "Only the ungrateful ones," she replied.
"Remind me no' ta piss you off, then," Tavish said. Satori smirked, but didn't say anything.
The group, being lead by Miki, made their way to the infirmary where she'd placed the Soldier after his incident. As they neared their destination, Satori muttered and "Oh no," under her breath. "Miki, you didn't take him to the secondary infirmary, did you?"
"Huh? Well, yeah, I did," Miki said. "I figured it'd be easier to keep under wraps that a newcomer came in if he wasn't in the main infirmary. Why?"
"That's where we put Okuu," Satori said. "Ughh, I don't want a repeat of what happened the first time they met."
"Am I in trou-" Miki began, before Satori interrupted her.
"No, you're not in trouble Miki. You couldn't have known," she said.
They traveled the rest of the way as fast as they could, considering Tavish was still drunk, and therefore almost fell over every other step. After a few minutes, they made their way to the infirmary door, inside of which they could hear some (for the Soldier, at least) subdued yelling. "You can't keep me in here! I don't care if both of you attack me, I will escape! Just as soon as I know whether I'm on the floor or the ceiling!" There was a thud, then the Soldier yelled once again, "Ah-ha! I have found the floor! Your days are numbered, barbarians!"
"Tha's Soldier alrigh'," Tavish said, nodding. "Though he's a bi' quieter than normal. Guess he musta hit his head pretty hard."
"Keep in mind, that door is made of solid stone, and is about a foot thick," Satori said.
"Still a bi' quiet, for him," Tavish replied, shrugging his shoulders, the motion of which caused him to tip slightly sideways until his head rested against the wall.
"Ok, let's go talk to him," Satori said. "You two," she said, turning to Yamame and Yuugi, "should stay out here."
"What?" Yamame said. "But then what are we supposed to do?" Yuugi just rolled her shoulders and slumped back against the far wall.
"I thought you might say that," Yuugi said. "Too many people make it hard to keep a lie this big, huh?" She stared off into space, thinking of the past.
"Correct," Satori said. "And I think this will be hard enough with just the two of us."
"I guess that's true," Yamame said. "Well, I guess I'll just wait out here for this all to be over. And until we see if Okuu's ok."
"Remember your notes," Satori said to Tavish as she opened the door.
"I go' 'em, I go' 'em," Tavish said, wobbling after her through the now open door.
As they entered, they were greeted to the sight of the Soldier pushing himself off from the floor, seemingly yelling at nothing. "Your laughter gives away your position! As soon as I get back up, you will take my place down here!"
"Uh, who ya yellin' a', mate?" Tavish said, confused, while a sad smile briefly crossed Satori's face.
"Demo? Is that you?" the Soldier said, happily, turning to look at Tavish as he stood and nearly falling over. "Did you die too? I'm sorry I wasn't there to fight with you! I'm a failure as a teammate!" he said, an anguished expression on his face. "How did the rest of the team do? Are they still fighting those damn BLUs for us?" he asked, clapping a hand on Tavish's shoulder.
"Uh, I-"Tavish began, before Satori gestured to the pocket that the papers with his lines were in. Understanding, Tavish held up one hand. "'old on," Tavish said, fishing around for the piece of paper, then staring at it blearily. "'I am no' th' Demoman you know,'" he read, stiffly.
"You're not? Then you must be," the Soldier said, eyes widening, "a spy!" He charged at the Demoman, a growl on his face.
"Ah, cripe!" was all Tavish managed to get out before being pinned to the wall by an enraged soldier.
"Even in the afterlife you're still trying to trick me, Frenchman!" the Soldier said.
"No, I'm a bit o' your sub-sub-subconshcious," Tavish managed to get out, as he struggled against the Soldier.
"Your psychological mumbo-jumbo won't work on me, you coward!" the Soldier roared.
At this point, Satori stepped in and calmly separated the two with a surprising amount of strength, considering her appearance. "I am afraid," she said to the Soldier, as Tavish caught his breath and took a swig from his bottle, "that he's telling the truth."
"What? That's not possible! I don't even have a subconscious!" the Soldier yelled. "And even if I did, why would it look like Demo?"
"I can assure you, you do," Satori said. "It is incredibly tiny, compared to most people's-"
"Hey, tha' hurts, ya know," Tavish said. "I'm no' tiny. I'm larger'n you!"
Satori blinked at Tavish. "Physical representation does not correspond to internal size."
"What?" Tavish and the Soldier said at the same time, then they turned to look at each other while Satori smiled.
"See?" she said. Outside, Yuugi and Yamame rolled their eyes.
"Ha, that was just a coincidence!" The Soldier said. "Best two out of three!"
Satori smiled. "Fair enough. Both of you think of a number, any number at all. Then, on the count of three, say them out loud. Sound good?"
"Ha! Any number? We'll never choose the same one, the odds of that happening are only twelve percent!" the Soldier said.
Satori raised an eyebrow, then nodded. "Very well then. Think of your numbers," she said, walking in between the Soldier and Tavish. She turned to face the Soldier, and Tavish saw that she was holding one finger up behind her back. Groaning to himself, he kept the number one in his mind to signal to her that he'd gotten her message. Nodding subtly, Satori turned around to look at Tavish, and then began walking back to where she'd been before. "Ok, on the count of three," she said, as she walked. "One," she counted, as she took a step. "Two," she counted as she stepped forward again. "And three," she said, turning around to face the both of them again.
"ONE!" the Soldier barked, at the same time Tavish said, "One." The Soldier turned and stared at Tavish in astonishment.
"But that's impossible! There's no way we could have both picked the same number," the Soldier said. "Unless, unless you really are me!" Tavish restrained himself from letting out an exasperated sigh.
"As I said, he is one aspect of you," Satori said. "There are seven others, right?" she said, turning to Tavish.
"How th' hell would I know?" he began, but at the look Satori gave him, he began to stammer. "I-I mean, yeah, tha's righ'. I saw 'em when ya go' knocked ou'. Tha's when I showed up, too."
"WHAT? There's nine of me?" the Soldier yelled. "But America is the only thing that's on my mind," he said, proudly. "I don't think of enough things to have nine different versions of me!"
Before Satori could respond, a voice came from a bed in the corner. "Miss Satori? Issat you?" it said. "I had a fun dream. There was this strange man, an' then we had a danmaku duel, an', an', wait, did I oversleep? Oh no, the reactor!" Then there was a clanging noise, followed by a cry of pain.
"Okuu? Are you ok?" Satori asked, running towards the corner the noise had come from.
"Owww," the voice apparently belonging to Okuu said. "I'm ok, Miss Satori, I just hit my head. Why am I covered in bandages?"
"Because that wasn't a dream Okuu. It happened. And you were injured in the fight," Satori replied calmly.
"Ha ha! I knew you wouldn't let me down, Mann Co. launcher," the Soldier said. Tavish groaned and covered his eyes.
"Unyu?" Okuu said. "But I feel fine, except for hitting my head on that light just now." A hand emerged from inside the curtain that was surrounding the corner bed, grabbed the edge of the curtain and pulled it back to reveal Okuu, bandages around her head, stomach, left leg, and left wing. She was struggling to free her left wing from the bandages that covered it, frowning in frustration.
"Stop that Okuu, you'll hurt it even more!" Satori said, running over to her.
"But Miss Satori, it doesn't hurt! And I can't fly if it's like this," she said, flapping her right wing while her left remained constrained. "And if I can't fly I can't deal with the reactor properly, and if I can't handle the reactor, then there'll be that dripdown thingy and then everything'll explode, and then I won't get dinner, and I was really looking forward to that tonight," she finished, her rambling coming to a close.
"Okuu, it's fine," Satori said, rubbing Okuu's head gently, causing her to close her eyes and hum happily.
"'Old on, did she just say everything was gonna explode?" Tavish asked. "Tha' don' sound fine to me. Well, unless I was causing it." At that, Okuu's eyes opened and she looked down guiltily. Beside him, an evil grin began to spread over the Soldier's face. Satori sighed and looked back at them.
"The reactor won't go into meltdown just because Okuu's not there. Not for a very long time, at least," she said. "We have safeguards in place. And no Soldier, I'm not going to tell you what they are."
"Bah," the Soldier said, slumping his shoulders, while Tavish gave him a confused look.
"Oh!" Okuu said, as she looked at the Soldier. "You're-" she began, before pausing, putting a hand on her chin. "Who are you again?"
"I'm the American who kicked your butt so hard you lost your memory of it, apparently!" the Soldier said.
She tilted her head. "American?" she said. "What's that?" Tavish groaned and Satori sighed, while the Soldier clenched his fists and began to shake.
"Listen up, maggot," he shouted, causing Tavish to grimace and cover his ears, "because I'm only going to say this once more. America is the greatest country to ever grace the planet Earth! And I will kill any hippie who says otherwise!"
"Wow," Okuu said, staring at the Soldier in awe and clapping her hands happily.
"Why're ya clapping?" Tavish asked Okuu.
"Because he was so excited, I got excited too," Okuu said, smiling. "But," she said, turning to the Soldier and frowning, "Why is it the greatest?"
"What?" the Soldier yelled. "What kind of a question is that? I'll tell you what kind, the kind a dirty communist traitor would ask! Are you a dirty commie?" he asked, bringing his face right in front of hers.
"No!" Okuu said, sitting up as straight as she could, considering her bandages. "I'm not dirty, I bathe every day! Miss Satori makes sure we all do."
"She does, does she?" the Soldier said, narrowing his eyes. "That's exactly what a dirty commie would have their subordinates-" he began, before Tavish slapped him in the back of the head. "Argh!"
"You're a bleedin' idiot," Tavish said, simply.
"Even my own subconscious betrays me! And are you sure he's not a spy?" the Soldier said, turning to look at Satori.
"Why ask me?" Satori said. "Aren't I a 'dirty commie'?"
"That's a good point," the Soldier said, before his face began to pale. "Wait, does that mean I just agreed with a communist?" He looked around wildly until his eyes came to rest on a sink, and quickly ran over to it, promptly grabbed a bar of soap and began to scrub his mouth out with it.
"Oy, don't do that, ya daft idiot," Tavish said. "Or, uh," he said, his eyes darting back and forth between the Soldier and Satori, before lighting up in realization, "I'll taste it too. Bleh, soap," he said, halfheartedly wiping his tongue with his hand. "I'll have ta drink some more to wash out th' taste." He raised the sake bottle to his lips and took a sip, which turned, as most of his did, into more of a chug. "Ahh, tha's the stuff," he said, contentedly.
"Wait, don't do that, you'll make me-" the Soldier attempted to say through the mouthful of soap, before he abruptly began to stagger back and forth, letting out a hiccup every now and then. "Now look wha' you've done," he said, slurring his words a bit. "You've got-got ten seconds to drop and give me a hug soldier!" He said, before hiccupping. Tavish turned to look at Satori while Satori stared at Tavish. "Wh-why's everyone lookin' at each other?" the Soldier asked.
"Why's he acting drunk?" Tavish whispered to Satori. "We're no' actually connected, are we?"
"No, you're not," Satori whispered back. "I'm no doctor or anything, but, well," she said, scratching the back of her neck. "Have you heard of the placebo effect?"
Tavish put his hand on his chin, while the Soldier turned to Okuu and began asking her if she knew why they were whispering to each other. "I think th' Medic said something abou' tha'. Something abou' a sugar pill having th' same effects as a real drug or something."
"Yes, that's about right, but it doesn't just have to be a sugar pill," Satori said. "I think that he's so convinced that you're his subconscious, and that anything that happens to you happens to him, that his body manifested the physical symptoms of being drunk even though there's no alcohol in his system." Looking at Tavish's confused expression, she sighed. "Or, to put it more simply, he thinks he should be drunk, so he is."
"Tha's bloody ridiculous," Tavish said.
"Well, do you have an explanation?" Satori said.
Tavish paused and thought for a second before saying, hesitantly, "The soap's made o' alcohol?"
"Oni like their alcohol, but that'd be a bit much, even for them," Satori said. "It's just regular soap I get from the market."
"Th-then I dunno, but tha' placebo stuff's jus' weird," Tavish said. "Maybe-" he began, before being interrupted by the Soldier talking to Okuu.
"I-*hic*-I'm sorry for almos' blowing you up," the Soldier said, holding out a hand, which seemed to constantly drift to the left before he corrected it back towards in front of him. "Friends?"
"Huh? Oh, sure!" Okuu said, grasping his hand and shaking, before finding herself pulled into a hug.
"Bear hugs, soldier! Tha's how real friends act in America," the Soldier said. "In," he let out a large sniff, and his eyes began watering, "in America." And then he collapsed on her shoulder, sobbing. "I'm never gonna be able to go back there, now tha' I'm dead, am I? Tha' beautiful place with, with freedom, and liberty, an', an', gravel-" at which point his words were drowned out by sobs.
Okuu continued patting his back, a confused but happy expression on her face. Tavish looked at Satori, who looked away, a guilty expression on her face. Eventually, Tavish walked over and rapped a knuckle against the Soldier's helmet. "Ah, it'll be alrigh', mate. I'm sure heaven'll be exactly like wha' you're use ta. And since you've already apologized, I'm sure you'll be able ta go there now."
"You-you mean it?" the Soldier said. "Is he-is my subconscious," he said, releasing Okuu from the hug and turning to Satori, "right? Can-can I go back to America?"
Satori was silent for a while, thinking. Eventually, she looked back at him "Well, ultimately, it's not up to me. It's really up to you." At his confused expression, she went on. "This whole 'purgatory' thing is pretty much all based on you and your experiences. When you've found every part of yourself again, and convinced them to return, then you can go face, uh, the guy who brought you here, Merasmus, yes that's right, and then you'll be able to return."
"What?" the Soldier and Tavish said at the same time.
Satori sighed. "Go find your friends and beat up the bad guy."
"Oh. Why didn't you jus' say that?" the Soldier said, still drunk. Satori glared at him, but he remained oblivious. She sighed.
"I did. You're just stupid. And drunk. Somehow," she said.
"M-miss Satori, that's not very nice," Okuu said. "You always say not to call anyone stupid. Well mostly you were telling the others not to call me stupid, but still."
Satori's face softened, and she smiled. "Yes, you're right. I'm sorry for calling you stupid," she said, turning to the Soldier. "But no, we're not 'bear-hug' level friends, so don't even try it."
The Soldier slumped his shoulders forward a bit and muttered a soft, "Oh."
"Cheer up, Soldier. Now we now yo-we'll be able ta get back ta America," Tavish said, patting him on the back. "'Tha's good news, righ'?"
"You're right!" the Soldier said straightening up. "Le's le's go find the rest of the team. Rest of me. Whatever. An' then we're gonna find Merasmus, and kick his sorry ass back to hell! But this is hell, so I guess we'll just kick him further down until he's able to see every wrinkle on Satan's ugly face! You hear that Merasmus! We're coming for you!" The Soldier attempted to run out of the room, only to drunkenly fall on his face. "That was just to lull you into false sense of security."
"Tha's the spirit!" Tavish said, helping him back up, and promptly getting ensnared in one of the Soldier's hugs. "Now we jus' gotta find everyone. Any ideas where ta star'?" he asked, struggling to face Satori.
"Somewhere outside would be best, probably," she responded. "Go ask Yuugi and Yamame to show you to the exit. And no, I'm not going with you. Because you don't want me near you right now." The eye that floated around her twitched dangerously.
"A-alrigh' then. Thanks for everything," Tavish said, dragging the Soldier, who was still clinging to him, along towards the door.
"It has been an honor serving with you, communist spirit advisor from hell," the Soldier said, abruptly letting go of Tavish and standing to attention, saluting Satori. Tavish and Satori froze for a moment, unsure how to respond, before the Soldier began to tip backwards, at which point Tavish managed to grab him by the armpits and drag him away through the door.
"Bye Mister America and his sidekick!" Okuu said, waving to them as they left the room. "It was nice meeting you." The Soldier waved back, until he was dragged out of view. "That was fun, wasn't it Miss Satori?"
Satori blinked, then shook her head quickly in an attempt to clear it. "Okuu, remind me to never try and reform anyone ever again."
Okuu tilted her head to the side, but Satori remained silent.
My thoughts on this chapter: Man, it's hard to get back into characters heads when you've taken a break for a couple months. It's like you have to relearn what the character's about, and that can be difficult. As a result, I ended up feeling like it was a bit to unfocused and kinda jumped around from place to place, and the characterization seems a bit off at times (fun game: try to find out just how far/which parts I'd written before starting the new job). Also, if this seems an anticlimactic end to the whole "Satori reforms the Soldier" plot, it is. This bout of writer's block and the plot consideration that happened afterwards made me realize I didn't really have the time (both in-story and out) to flesh out this idea as much as I wanted, which is a shame, but it's better this than not putting out anything. I hope it was still an overall enjoyable read.
Hope to get another chapter out to you soon!