Will didn't move, and I watched him as he took in my words. There had been more than one meaning to them and because they had slipped out before I could stop them, of course I hoped he would take it the easiest way.
"You're bent," he said, his tone gentle but I could see some anger behind it. "Not broken."
It was a nice way to look at it and I smiled at him, even though at that moment I did feel broken, no matter what he said. He seemed to understand, because he cleared his throat as if he wanted to say more, but he didn't.
"How've you been?" I asked, not exactly sure what to say. The silence though, pressed on me and I had to say something.
He shrugged. "I've been fine. Worried about you." He fidgeted with his hands, as if he couldn't look at me as he admired something he felt. The truth was that will wasn't much of a sharer.
"I'm okay...I'm just bent right?" I said with a smile, my instinct to make him feel better kicking in without me noticing. I didn't touch him like I normally would though, and that was was caught his attention.
"Yea. JJ? I'm here for you when you need to talk okay?" He said, glancing up without lifting his head. I realized that with me in this hospital bed, having gone through something horrible, he didn't know what to say or even do with himself. It was something that I hadn't actually experienced myself—I was always good at saying something—but I liked the fact that he tried.
"I know." The silence that followed my reply proved my theory. He didn't know what else to say and I didn't say anything else.
I started when the door opened and Hotch stepped inside. He didn't say anything for a while and eventually, Will stood and left the room with one last glance my way.
But Hotch stayed quiet as he watched me. I wished Will hadn't left the room, Hotch's stare getting on my nerves more than anything could at this moment.
He was the star of getting unwilling people to talk with his state and I gritted my teeth, waiting for his plan to be revealed. I could feel my hands start to shake and I clenched them into fists.
"You know it's not going to work on me," I said, feeling my fingernails cut into my suddenly sweaty palms. "I told Emily and Rossi everything that I could right now."
"I...that's not why I'm in here JJ." He frowned at me, confusion so unusual on his face. "The doctors told me you had to stay here for a couple of days...even though it was only three days you're malnourished and dehydrated and they'd like to get you back on track before you leave."
I shook my head, the icy fingers of fear creeping down my back. "No. I've been away from my son for too long. Can't you do something?"
"Will could take you home against medical advice but he won't. I know that you're having a hard time and you just want to go home, but that's not possible right now." He looked at me apologetically and I closed my eyes.
"Why didn't he tell me?" I asked. I opened my eyes just in time to see something flash in his eyes.
"Because the doctor came into the waiting area after he had gone into the room. Being an FBI agent sometimes has its benefits," he said, a small smile playing on his lips before disappearing again. "I know that Rossi and Emily have gathered some intel from you which is why I won't ask any more questions right now, but you know as well as I do that we have to debrief you, go over what happened again so that we can close this case. We can't leave this the way it is."
He was right, of course. I would never ask of him what he thought I would even though I couldn't imagine having to live through the nightmare again. "I can just write down my statement while I'm stuck in here then." I snapped and it was just a split second, but I could swear I could see the corners of his mouth pull down. He slid the mask back on so fast that I wasn't even sure if I'd seen it right.
"That's right." He said with a nod. "You'll have to be evaluated when you want to come back to work but I don't expect you for a while."
"Okay then." I looked up at him as he moved closer, his face only showing seconds of emotion. "I need the see them though. When I get out of here, I need to see that they are dead."
He raised his eyebrows but inclined his head. "Of course, and you will be able to. I will make sure of that." He understood. He had gotten the closure he needed by actually killing the person who'd hurt him. I didn't get that chance and seeing his body was the only thing I could think of to help me close that part of my life off.
I closed my eyes again and licked my lips. There was enough to do for Hotch and the team, and I didn't want to keep them here just to keep coming to check on me. "You should get back to work, yea?"
"We should. I'm sure we will come and visit you before you leave the hospital...but in the meantime I just want...get well okay? We need you out there." Hotch left the room as silently and quickly as he came in and I was alone.
The silence that filled the room was pressing, and it took my breath away. I struggled for a minute or two before I pushed the call button, knowing that whatever they gave me would knock me out. Even though it was just a panic attack. Just.