WARNING: This story is rated T for cutting, shounen-ai/yaoi, and mentions of rape (shotacon form).
Summary: Kanda knows that Allen is acting, that he isn't happy. That he's fake. Can Kanda get through to him? Or will Allen realize that it's always the same? Nobody's ever home.
Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, the characters, or this song.
Nobody's Home
Original Song: "Nobody's Home" by Avril Lavigne
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way.
She felt it every day.
Allen sat down next to me in the cafeteria, smiling and greeting the rabbit and his girlfriend cheerfully.
Why was it that he ticked me off so much? Ever since he got here, I found that all I could do was pick fights with him, but that's not what bothered me.
He was fake. The smiles. The laughter. The halcyon behavior. All of it. Fake.
Every day when I saw him, I found myself getting angry at how well he hid his sadness. Allen could fool everyone else, but not me. I could see the sorrow in his eyes, the liquid chromium swirling with despair and loneliness, and I saw the flickers of self-hatred occasionally when no one was looking.
When we trained together, he pushed himself to the limit, not stopping until he felt like he had done an outstanding job. Or passed out from dehydration or exhaustion. Whichever comes first. Sometimes, I wonder if he's waiting for approval.
To tell the truth, I don't know why he feels this way. All I knew was that he did.
And I couldn't help her.
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
I growled in frustration, staring at the dust that used to be Innocence on the ground. A white-haired head hung in defeat, mourning over the lost fragment, and I watch him, seeing the tears roll down his cheeks.
"Come on, Moyashi," I say, hoping to get a reaction from him, but all he does is nod and stand, beginning to walk towards our hotel.
Stupid Tyki Mikk had destroyed the Innocence we came to collect. Allen was bringing it back to the hotel, but the Noah attacked him, leading to the current predicament. Technically, it was the teen's fault, but I wasn't going to tell him that. He already knew that.
When we get back to the hotel, Allen immediately curls up in his bed, blankets pulled up to his nose, and he was the exact same way after I got out of the shower.
"Go take a shower," I order, sitting on my bed closer to the door.
"I'll take one in the morning," he replies quietly, his back still turned to me. Fed up with his attitude, I stand, moving to his bed and leaning over him, and I say, "Look at me."
After a moment, he does, and I'm slightly taken aback by his puffy, red eyes looking up at me. His bottom lip is quivering, tears still rolling down his flushed cheeks, and I continue, "Stop blaming yourself. Everyone's lost Innocence at some point."
"But it is my fault!" Allen protests, choking back another sob. "I'm a useless exorcist."
"Stop it," I growl in annoyance, but he'd already turned away, shudders running through him. Going back to my bed, I turn out the light, getting comfortable.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
My meditation is interrupted by the sound of someone running.
Glancing behind me, I see Allen bolting out of the door of the training room and into the grass I was settled in, but seeing me, he stops, and I notice the tears staining his cheeks.
"Oh, I-I'm sorry, Kanda. I'll l-leave," he hurriedly says, beginning to turn away. I stop him, "No, come back."
He glances at me, hope shining in his eyes, and I gesture to the grass beside me. Hesitantly, the whitette sits next to me, looking down at his lap.
"Why are you crying?" I ask, hating myself for the concern I allowed to leak into my voice.
"It's nothing."
"If it's nothing, why are you bawling like a two-year-old?"
He doesn't reply, refusing to look at me, and I continue, "You'll feel better if you get it off your chest."
Sniffling, he says, "A couple of finders were making fun of me because I'm gay, and they were talking about my past."
"You're gay?" I ask, surprised by this information. Seeming ashamed of this, Allen nodded, more tears spilling over his eyelids, "Do you hate me now?"
"I hate you anyways," I deadpan, but he doesn't appear affected by my words, and he doesn't even throw an insult at me. "Why would I care if you're gay? I really don't look at you differently just because you want to be screwed instead of vice versa."
At this, he finally looks at me, eyes shining with trust as he says, "I just don't have a place where I belong."
She wants to go home,
But nobody's home.
That's where she lies,
Broken inside.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
Hugging his knees to his chest, the beautiful boy stares towards the forest, eyes clouded with thought, "It's nothing."
"Would you shut up with the 'it's nothing' crap and tell me?!" I growl, royally aggravated at this point.
"I-I'm just…I'm alone," he whispers, tears beginning to well in his eyes again.
"No, you're not. You've got plenty of friends," I reply, not really understanding what he was getting at. He doesn't respond, again lost in thought.
What does he mean by "I'm alone"? People are all around him, so how can he say he's alone? It's not like they're just people, either. They're his best friends. Alone?
After a moment, I press, "Tell me what you mean by that."
"I always wanted to be able to come home to a real family that loved me," Allen stated seemingly out of the blue. "That's not abnormal, right? It's okay to wish for something like that, right, Kanda?"
The boy turns his somber gaze to me, waiting for me to reply, and I say, "No. No, that's not weird at all."
With no place to go,
No place to go,
To dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
He looks down, "I just want someone to hold me when I cry. I mean, I know that I'm supposed to be some sort of stoic man, but I can't help that I act like a girl half the time."
Why don't you ever say this to anyone else? I silently question, watching the whitette stare at nothing. He looked so at peace on the outside, so bubbly and effervescent, but was this really the same Allen I've always known? It wasn't right. His eyes should be lively, not dead and jaded. His face should be smiling and joyous, not tear-stained.
Something stirred inside me. I'm not sure what, but whatever it was, it caused me to reach out.
Slipping an arm around Allen's waist, I gently pull him to me, allowing him to cling to me and nuzzle his face into my chest. This wasn't me. Yu Kanda doesn't show emotion. Ever.
"K-Kanda...?" Allen whimpered questioningly though he pressed himself closer to me. Stroking his hair softly, I murmur, "You aren't alone."
He doesn't reply, and I can feel the tears beginning to seep through my muscle shirt, but I didn't care. What I did care about was that he was holding onto me like I was a lifeline, tears streaming down his cheeks.
For some reason, I felt like if I let go of him, he would break into a million pieces like a dropped vase, and courage welled up inside me. Leaning closer to him, I hesitantly kiss the tears out of the corners of his eyes.
Allen looked up at me, eyes wide with shock, but he had stopped crying, giant gleams still highlighting his big chromium orbs, and he asked, "W-what was that for?"
Instead of replying, I press my lips to his softly, waiting for his reaction. It didn't take long for him to start move his lips against mine, wrapping his arms around my neck.
Open your eyes,
And look outside,
Find the reasons why,
You've been rejected.
(One month later)
"Thank you," Allen whispered, leaning his head back against my chest as he gazed at the stars.
"For what?" I ask, my arms securely wrapped around his body. He was seated between my legs with his back to my chest, and the moon smiled down at us. Holding my arms, he says quietly, "For being with me."
I give him a chaste kiss on his cheek in reply, finding it cute when he giggled because my eyelashes tickled his skin. His eyes continued to stare at the stars twinkling in the night sky, and I watched the orbs glitter in awe. It was much more beautiful when the stars were reflected in his silver pools, the lights twisting and twirling to accommodate the shape of them. Allen's skin was like silk on mine, smooth and unblemished, and though it was pale, I found that it fitted him perfectly, regardless of what others thought.
"People are continuously rejecting me," he said seemingly out of nowhere. "Because of my hair. Because of my scar. Because I'm ugly."
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs,
Where she belongs.
Pulling him closer to me, I protest, "You are not ugly. You're absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous."
"You don't have to lie to make me feel better," Allen murmured, looking down. Cursing in frustration, I say, "A samurai never lies. Ever. I've told you that."
"But―"
"I don't want to hear it. People are also heartless morons that don't know what true beauty is. You're different, but that's not the same as ugly or worthless."
Moving so he was on his knees and facing me, the whitette asked, "Then why do you see through that?"
"I'm not a fool."
She wants to go home,
But nobody's home.
That's where she lies,
Broken inside.
With no place to go,
No place to go,
To dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
"I know you're not," Allen said, placing a hand on my chest, and he begins pushing me down. Complying, I quickly find myself on my back with him lying on me, his face nuzzled into my neck, and I chuckle, "And here I thought I'd get a treat."
Giggling, he replies, "Nope. I'm not calm enough to do anything right now, and besides, you wouldn't be satisfied."
"I'm satisfied by just being with you," I say, stroking his hair.
"Me, too," he murmured.
When we started dating, Allen told me that he didn't want to have sex until he was married. I can't say I wasn't disappointed, because I really was, but I was willing to pledge abstinence if it meant I was able to be with him. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, and I didn't want just physical. I wanted an emotionally intimate relationship with him. Besides, one day I may propose. It's legal in the area the Order is placed.
"Do you ever feel like we're fighting for nothing? Like the war is pointless? It doesn't seem like we'll win, and it just causes pain and suffering," Allen asks, playing with the hair framing my face, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was doing in unconsciously. He does it all the time in his sleep.
"More or less, but we don't have a choice in the matter. Why?"
"No reason," he mutters, but I could tell there was something. I wasn't going to push though.
Her feelings she hides.
"Allen?" I ask, sitting up to find my bed empty. Glancing around in the darkness, I notice light struggling to pour into the room through the bathroom door, and I kick the blankets off of me, standing.
Quietly, I walk towards the door, and my hand was raised to knock when I catch the sound of crying.
Her dreams she can't find.
Again, I ask, "Allen?"
"I'm fine. Just go back to sleep," he replied, his voice cracking horrendously. Ignoring him, I put my hand on the knob and turn it, finding it locked.
"Why won't you let me in?"
"Please, just leave me alone!" he begs, but the more he said, the more I wanted to break down the door.
She's losing her mind.
Continuing to turn the knob even though I knew it did no good, I say, "Allen, please, open the door."
"Kanda, I'm fine. Really. Just go back to bed, and I'll be in there in a bit."
"No."
"Please―"
"No," I interrupt. "Open the door."
There's a moment of silence, and I was about to start trying to convince him again when there was click. Opening the door, I stare in shock at what I see.
She's fallen behind.
"Save me the lecture, and just leave," Allen muttered, looking away from me.
His sweatpants were gone, revealing dozens of scars crisscrossed on his thighs, and he was pressing gauze to his right, a bloody razor lying beside him. Tears continued to run down his cheeks as I kneel down beside his body, pressing down on his hand to stop the blood flow from the obviously new cuts.
"I'm not going to leave you. Why would you think that?" I ask quietly, using my other hand to wipe away his tears.
"It's disgusting that I would do this to myself," he whispered, still not looking at me.
She can't find her place.
Moving his chin so that he was looking at me in the eyes, I say, "It's not disgusting. I can't say that I understand it, but if you told me why, I'd at least listen."
His chromium eyes glimmered with hope, and he nodded. "Okay."
After he dressed the wound, we sat on my bed. Well, I leaned against the wall while Allen lied perpendicular to me with his head in my lap.
"I can't really even think of how to explain any of it," the whitette said after several minutes of silence. "It just takes away the pain."
I was very confused to say the least. "How does self-inflicting pain take away pain?"
Playing with a loose thread on the comforter, he replies, "I'm not sure. The physical pain takes me away from what's hurting me internally."
"Like what?"
"The bullying. Never feeling like I can trust another person."
She's losing her faith.
Even though I was supposed to be focusing on him, I couldn't help feeling hurt by his last statement. "You don't trust me?"
Allen pauses, seeming to think over his words before he says, "No. Sure, I believe that you won't hurt me physically. If I needed help in battle, everyone would rush to help, but I'm talking about my emotions. The last time I trusted someone, I got hurt."
"How?"
Shuddering, he begins to cry again, tears pouring from his eyes. "Even though I didn't like him at all, I trusted Cross."
"Cross is dead, Allen. What does he have to do with anything?" I ask, concerned. Taking a breath, he quietly says, "One night, he was horribly drunk. It was almost two in the morning when he got back, and I was already asleep. He came into my room and started talking to me like I was a prostitute or something. I didn't think much of it because he was just drunk after all, but at the time, I couldn't activate my Innocence or use it properly when he…he…."
Don't say it. Please, don't say what I think you're going to say, I silently beg to no avail.
"He raped me."
She's fallen from grace.
"Why didn't you tell anyone?" I whisper in horror. Rolling over so his face was in my stomach, Allen replied, "He didn't remember. Since then, I haven't trusted anyone."
He seemed to curl in on himself, bringing his knees up until they nudged my side and nuzzling into my naked abs, and I comb my fingers through his white locks. After a moment, I murmur, "You can trust me, Allen. You don't have to hide."
Sniffling, he nods. "I know that, but it's not something that I can get over overnight."
She's all over the place.
"Then at least stop cutting," I nearly beg, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. Shaking his head, Allen dismisses, "No. I'll cut if I want to. It's not as if I have something to look forward to in life."
"What about me? Why won't you do it for me?"
Glancing up at me, the boy mutters, "Why do you care? It's not like you love me."
"And if I do?" I ask, not breaking the eye contact. The surprise and almost shock was evident in the mercury orbs as he asks, "You do?"
She wants to go home,
But nobody's home.
That's where she lies,
Broken inside.
Bending down, and rather uncomfortably I might add, I press an innocent kiss to his cheek. "I love you, Allen."
He seemed like he was either about to explode with astonishment or start dancing with joy. The boy had odd facial expressions that could generally mean two totally different things. That helps so much!
After a minute of silence, I wonder if I should've said anything at all, but that's when Allen's cheeks begin to show a dusting of a blush before he admits, "I love you, too."
"Then why can't you trust me?" I press, feeling like a jerk to some degree.
"Because I've never felt love before. No one's ever loved me, and the ones I thought did always hurt me," he says, looking away from my gaze. "When I come home, nobody's home."
With no place to go,
No place to go,
To dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
"But you have me now," I murmur, pulling him up, and I pull him into a strong embrace. Nodding, he whispers, "Don't leave me."
Even though I tell him I will never leave him, I know that it's a lie. I wouldn't have a choice in the matter.
The next month, I had to lie about the black tendrils that had crept up my neck and began licking at my cheek. More and more powerful akuma were appearing in myriads, and in a solo mission, I had had no other option but to use my Third Illusion. Allen obviously knew I was fabricating an excuse on the spot, but he never mentioned it.
But I couldn't keep him from knowing when the same thing happened on a mission we were on together with the rabbit and Lenalee.
"How could you?! Are you trying to kill yourself?!" Allen shouted at me, his eyes heated and swirling with love and anger.
"What did you expect me to do?! Lenalee and Lavi were knocked out, and you were, too, except for Crown Clown fighting for you!" I retort, trying to keep my voice down.
Glaring at me, the whitette continued in the same tone, "I was sure as heck awake enough to tell you not to at the top of my lungs!"
"How else did you want me to destroy three level four akuma and a hundred level threes?!"
"You didn't have to use your Fourth Illusion! Look at yourself!" He pointed to my hip. Though I was shirtless and it would have been easy, I didn't look down. I knew full well that jagged lines were drug across my skin over my back and right hip. Losing my patience, I stand from the bed I had been sitting on, making the height difference my boyfriend and I obvious. "I know what my curse is! You don't have to remind me that when I use it, I'm using up my life! I was protecting you!"
She's lost inside,
Lost inside.
"I don't need you to protect me, Kanda! I can take care of myself," he growls, turning away and walking towards the door furiously. His hand on the knob, Allen looked over his shoulder at me, tears spilling over his eyelids. "I should never have trusted you. Nobody's ever home."
When the door slams shut, I felt like punching myself. What kind of moron was I?!
"Wait!" I yell, rushing out the door, but Allen was gone.
She's lost inside,
Lost inside.