Karma panicked.
Well… technically… the door to her bedroom shut behind her. And then (just in case),she clicked the lock. And then she looked at Lauren, perched on the end of her bed, leaning back on her elbows looking perfect and ready and sexy and ready and hot and ready…
And did she mention ready?
Of course she did.
So there was door shutting and lock clicking and ready Lauren and then Karma panicked. And she panicked hard. Sweaty palms and wobbly knees and racing heart and dry mouth and why, oh why, did Lauren have to look so good and Karma couldn't even see her ass and everyone knew that was her favorite part and oh… fuck.
She couldn't breathe and she couldn't move and she was pretty sure both of those were kinda necessary for this and, for the life of her, Karma couldn't understand why she was so panicked.
Because Lauren was a girl?
Maybe, she thought. But probably not. Karma had often wondered about when or if this sort of thing ever happened to her (and, in her really honest moments, she knew it was a when and not an if because no one had quite so much… gay… in their lives without there being some point to it all, you know smoke and fire and all that.)
Maybe, she thought, it wasn't because Lauren was a girl but because she wasn't the girl.
That was a little more reasonable since every time Karma had thought about the when of it all it was always Amy on the bed, Amy leaning back, her back arched and her chest pressed forward and those six-mile-long legs splayed out in front of her, just waiting.
Except Karma wasn't thinking about Amy and she wasn't picturing Amy and, in fact, she couldn't even see Amy in her head right that moment. All she could see and hear and feel (even from across the room) was Lauren, which was good because Lauren was the one who was there and Lauren was the one who wanted her and, most importantly?
Lauren was the one Karma wanted. And if she'd had any doubts about that (and she really hadn't) those doubts had long been erased by the sight of Lauren on her bed and by the tiny little strip of bare belly peeking out over the top of her jeans that Karma couldn't stop staring at or wondering what it tasted like.
And that wasn't making her panic, though it was making her palms sweat (and other parts pretty wet too) and her heart race, but all that was normal around Lauren, and that was still so fucking weird but so fucking good all at once.
Karma didn't get it, none of it made sense. It wasn't like this was the first time she had done this or at least something like this. Which, she realized then (as she stared at Lauren on her bed) that maybe she was assuming a little too much. Maybe the this she thought they were there for wasn't the same this Lauren thought they were there for and maybe (so not maybe) that was something they should have clarified earlier.
Like before the shutting door and clicking lock and Lauren on the bed like she belonged there.
Karma cleared her throat (but not her mind) and stepped into the room. Her room and that should have made her at least a little more comfortable about the whole thing. They were on familiar ground, the place she felt safest in the entire world (except for, maybe, Amy's room and she was so not thinking of that or her right now.) This, whichever this it was, should have been a piece of cake.
"I did it in a thunderbox, for God's sake," she muttered before realizing she'd said it out loud and clapping a hand over her mouth as every bit of blood in her body rushed to her face. Karma stood there, halfway between the door and Lauren (and the bed), caught in a strange kind of no man's land (and wasn't that appropriate) and she couldn't move not even to turn and run, which suddenly seemed like a very good idea.
"Karma," Lauren said, grabbing the redhead's attention. She scooted over on the edge of the bed and patted the spot next to her. "Calm down," she said. "Sit." Karma found her voice just enough to start fumbling through some excuse about her legs needing a good stretch and Lauren glared. "Sit," she said again.
Karma sat.
(and silently hoped Lauren was planning to use that tone when they did this cause… damn.)
Lauren reached out a hand and set it on Karma's knee (the one jiggling about a thousand miles an hour), just below the hem of her skirt, on her bare skin and Karma felt an immediate rush, like an electric current that ran from her knee to her heart and her fingertips and up through her neck and over her ears and between her legs and fuck, that was new.
She turned to Lauren and the blonde leaned in and kissed her. It was soft and slow and gentle and it reminded Karma of their first kiss, the one she'd never seen coming.
"I still don't know," she said softly, her words murmuring against Lauren's lips. She brought a hand up and cupped Lauren's cheek because she needed more contact but she wasn't quite ready for the contact she wanted.
"Don't know what?" Lauren asked as she turned into the touch, letting a kiss drag slowly across Karma's palm and, for the splittest of split seconds, sucking one of Karma's fingers between her lips.
Karma let out a low moan and Lauren smiled before kissing her again. "Why I said yes," Karma said between kisses. "That night at the party. I'm glad I did, but I don't know why."
Lauren leaned back and Karma was afraid she'd said the wrong thing (like she ever did that) but then the tiny blonde smiled again. "I don't know why I asked either," she said. Her eyes dropped to the bed, to the little, tiny bit of Karma's duvet that was visible between them. "Does that bother you?"
Karma shook her head. "Only thing bothering me is that you're not kissing me," she said and that you're still dressed and that I'm not panicked anymore just because you touched me and that should scare the fuck out of me.
But it didn't.
Lauren's eyes popped back up and Karma could see the laughter dancing in them before she heard it. "Smooth, Ashcroft. So smooth."
It was Karma's turn to lean in this time, kissing Lauren hard and slowly steering her down onto her back. She leaned over the older girl and smiled. "Oh, I'm plenty smooth," she said. "And you're gonna find out all about that."
Karma never would have told anyone (because, really, Amy was the only she would even think of telling and that was never going to happen) but sex with Liam had been…
OK.
Good, sometimes?
Kinda?
So maybe she didn't have much to compare it too, besides her own fingers and that one toy she'd… appropriated… from Shane that night in Amy's garage when they'd taken those blackmail shots of Tommy. But it had felt good, once she got used to it, and Liam was… attentive. For all his fuckboy characteristics (and there were many), he'd actually been a very considerate lover.
But now Karma knew different. She would never think of Liam as a lover again. A fuck buddy, maybe. A hook up, probably. A massive mistake that she never should have made and would spend the rest of her life wondering what the fuck she had been thinking, definitely.
But not a lover. Because what he had done, what they had done? That was sex. And this, this thing she was doing with Lauren even though they were both (frustratingly) still fully clothed and Karma's hands had only (far too) briefly brushed over Lauren's breasts through her shirt and Lauren had only dropped a few (too few) kisses below Karma's neckline. This wasn't sex.
Karma hated the phrase making love (it reminded her of the soap operas her mother had watched for years) and neither one of them had said the 'L' word yet (though, if Lauren was this good with her tongue up here? Karma knew she couldn't be held accountable for what she might say when it was down there) but there was more to this than there had ever been with Liam.
And her bed was a hell of a lot more comfortable than that fucking thunderbox, so that probably helped.
Lauren trailed a slow path of kisses down her neck and Karma tipped her head, giving the blonde free reign. Her hands had, finally, found Lauren's ass again, squeezing gently through the other girl's jeans as she moaned softly. Karma let her hands wander a bit, moving to Lauren's hips and she tugged the tiny blonde closer, pulling Lauren on top as she rolled onto her back, the motion causing her skirt to ride up as one of Lauren's legs slipped between hers, one jean clad thigh pressing against her.
"Fuck," Karma hissed, her back arching as Lauren moved against her. She groaned deep in her throat and pulled Lauren up, pressing them together even more and letting her tongue slide along the older girl's lips. She gripped Lauren's hips for dear life, steering her lover's movements and grinding against her thigh.
Lauren leaned back suddenly and froze, every part of her going still. Karma opened her eyes and looked up at her before Lauren untangled herself and hopped up and paced across the room. "Lauren?" Karma asked. She was confused. Everything had been going well (very well) but now the other girl was over there and she was over here and yes, Karma had limited experience in doing this but she was pretty sure it required both of them to be in the same spot.
Even her lesbian binders had said so.
Karma started to stand but Lauren held up a hand to stop her. But then she still didn't say anything and just kept pacing back and forth in front of the bedroom door. Karma didn't know if she was going to run, stay, or scream. There was a look on Lauren's face that she couldn't quite place and she knew a lot of Lauren's looks (mostly the glares and Lauren had a wide assortment of those) and, of late, more than a few of the 'that feels really good' and 'don't ever stop doing that' variety.
This was different. It was odd but kinda familiar but Lauren wouldn't stop pacing and wouldn't look right at her and Karma was starting to get dizzy from the back and forth. "Lauren," she said again. "Talk to me? Did I do something wrong? I don't think I did but I don't know, I mean I've never done this with a girl -"
"I've never done it at all," Lauren said softly and she stopped pacing but still wouldn't look at Karma. "Tommy wouldn't and Theo and I… we just… and I've never…"
"Never?" Karma asked, trying to keep the surprise out of her voice. She'd always assumed that at least Tommy… Lauren shook her head emphatically and Karma wondered just how never 'never' was. "But you've… you know… by yourself?"
Lauren hung her head and Karma watched as she squeezed her eyes shut, her whole body tensing as she fought the tears (the sobs) off. She shook her head. "I.. can't," she said. "I mean, I can, I know how and the parts are all there, but then I think of the things people say, like Tommy and 'my girlfriend's a dude' and I just… can't."
In her entire life, Karma had never wanted to kill anyone quite as much as she wanted to kill Tommy in that moment.
"It's stupid," Lauren said. "I know it is. I know what I am… who I am… and I know what I'm not and I'm not a dude or a sort of dude or a kind of dude or… I'm not." She ran both hands through her hair, pushing it back and out of her face. "But every time I try…" She let out a long deep shuddering breath. "It's not like I haven't wanted to. I probably wouldn't have with Tommy cause, well, Tommy. But Theo… or even alone… and sometimes I get so worked up, like whenever you kiss me… and I try."
Lauren tipped her head back and stared at the ceiling, willing gravity to keep the tears away.
"I try and I fail," she said. "I can't get out of my own head and I keep worrying and thinking about it, about whether I'll even be able…" She turned away from Karma, bringing a hand to her mouth to muffle the sobs finally came and she shook with the force of them. "And when I felt you, just now," she said. "On my leg, even through my jeans and you were so… and I..."
She'd known this was a bad idea, she'd known she'd never be able to go through with it but Karma had said that stuff about falling and her girl and kicked Reagan to the curb and Lauren had thought…
"I didn't," she stammered through her tears. "I didn't think or we wouldn't be here and I… I have to go. I'm sorry."
She bolted for the door but she'd forgotten Karma had locked it and she couldn't figure it out through the tears and she just kept twisting the knob but it wouldn't move and fuck she couldn't be here and why wouldn't the fucking thing just open?
And then Karma was there, her hand covering Lauren's on the knob and Lauren couldn't look at her, she wouldn't because she knew what she'd see. Pity. Guilt. That look of someone who knew what she should do but she couldn't. The same look she'd seen in Tommy's eyes when she'd told him and the same one she saw in Theo's when they broke up and Lauren was strong, stronger than any of them ever gave her credit for.
But she wasn't that strong. Not again.
Karma leaned down and Lauren was sure she was going to make her look but she wouldn't let that happen, she'd die and she squeezed her eyes shut as she felt Karma's other hand brush her hair back and then she felt Karma's warm breath on her ear.
"Stay," Karma whispered. "Stay with me. We don't have to do anything. I won't even kiss if you don't want me to," she said. "Just… stay. Please."
"Why?" Lauren asked.
Karma rested her head against Lauren's and the blonde could feel the tears on the younger girl's cheeks.
"Because," Karma said. "Because if you think falling for you means fucking you, then you're wrong. And if you think I can't be happy curling up with you in that bed and holding you for the rest of the day, you're wrong. And if you think I give even one tiny little fuck about whether you're as wet as I am right now or whether or not I'm ever going to make you scream my name and cum like a fucking freight train?"
Lauren refused to look and refused to smile but she leaned into Karma just a little. "I'd be wrong?"
"No," Karma said and then Lauren's eyes did pop open and she looked at the younger girl and she couldn't help cracking a (tiny) smile at the cheeky grin on Karma's face. "You'd be right about that," she said. "But we've got time and, despite what everyone thinks, I can be very, very patient, especially when it's something that matters to me."
Lauren turned and let Karma wrap her up in her arms and even though she knew the answer, she asked anyway. "And I matter?"
Karma kissed the top of Lauren's head and held her tight. "Of course you do," she whispered to her. "Didn't you hear? You're my girl."