Chapter 29

Addy watched as Sam and Ash all crowded around Ash's program so they could try and find the Garden. She sat with Pam and Dean off in a corner and she met eyes with him. He winked at her and she smiled as she looked away in embarrassment.

"You're making googly eyes at each other," Pam teased.

"Hell yeah we are," Dean said and she blushed further.

"It's about damn time you two got your shit together," Pam said.

"Yeah it is," she replied and then added, "So how are you?"

"I'm good," she said with a genuine smile and said to Dean, "Remember my death scene? Gut shot. Coughing blood. You told me I was going someplace better."

"I was lying," Dean said simply.

"You were right! My heaven? It is one long show at the Meadowlands. It's amazing! You should see it."

"Yeah," Dean said, clearly unconvinced.

"You don't believe me," Pam said sadly.

"No, I do, it's just, you know. Spending eternity trapped in your own little universe while the angels run the show, that's lonely. You know. That's not Nirvana. That's the Matrix," he argued.

"I don't know. Attic's still better than the basement," she countered.

"Maybe it's because we've seen what the angel's can do," Addy said with a far off look, "It just doesn't feel right I guess."

"Yeah, well, close enough. Look, guys, I'm happy. I'm at peace," she said.

"Addy darlin' come here for a sec," Ash called to her and she shot them one last look before going to help him.

"What? Are you trying to sell me a time share? I mean, what's with the pitch?" Dean asked, searching her eyes.

"I know that Michael wants to take you out for a test drive," Pam said to Dean, "And Lucifer-"

"Wants Addy to be his source of entertainment for all eternity," he finished, "Pam, I can't just give in."

"I'm just saying," Pam said, "You can save her from Lucifer. What's the worst case scenario?"

"A lot of people die," he answered.

"And then they come here. Is that really so bad? Look. Maybe… you don't have to fight it so hard. That's all I'm trying to say," she said and then glanced at Addy who was between Ash and Sam, trying to figure something out, "And you can save her from Lucifer, Dean. All I want is for her to be saved."

"And you don't think I want that?" he asked, staring her down, "That's all I want."

"I know you do, Dean but you're trying to spare her losing you by going down a path that ends with you losing her," she said sadly, "I know it's not ideal but…"

"Pam, I know," he said just as Addy yelled, "Got it!"

"Found a short cut to the Garden," Sam explained as Ash gave Addy a high five.

SUPERNATURAL

"All Access Pass to the Magic Kingdom," Ash said, drawing a sigil above the door.

"Good," Dean said and Ash gave him a look, "Not good?"

"That Zachary fella's going to be watching every road to the Garden."

Addy turned just in time to see Pam smack Sam on the ass and she chuckled to herself as she turned back to Ash.

"Try to keep your ass on earth for a little while longer this time gorgeous," he teased and as she was about to hug him he grabbed her, dipped her and kissed her with all he had.

When she was upright again she smacked him lightly across the cheek but smiled at him nonetheless.

"Can't blame a guy for trying," he said with a wink and patted Dean on the back, "Cherish her man."

Addy tucked her hair behind her ear and turned to Pam," I guess I'll be seeing you."

"Not anytime soon please," she said sternly and Addy nodded, "Keep your shit together Ads you hear me."

Addy chuckled, "I hear ya."

They embraced and Ash said, " Ah, ladies. I don't mean to be a downer or anything but… "

"I'm coming," Addy said, going over to the door with Sam and Dean.

"Well, keep a sixer on ice for us," Dean told him.

"Yeah," Ash replied and opened the door.

They walked through it ended right back in the living room of the brother's old house.

"What the… Why we back home?" Dean asked, looking around frantically.

"I don't know. So what are we going to do?" Sam asked.

"We keep looking for the road," Addy said and the boys focused on something behind her.

"Honey. Why are you up?" Mary asked and she whipped around to see her. Something wasn't right.

"Look. I'm sorry," Dean began reluctantly, "I love you but you're not real and we don't have time-"

"Did you have another nightmare? Tell me," she said and her eyes seemed wrong.

"Dean," Addy said, grabbing his hand to pull him back, "That isn't your mother. Something isn't right."

"I gotta go," Dean said as they began to walk away.

"Then how 'bout I tell you my nightmare, Dean? The night I burned," she said and Addy gasped as blood spread on her white nightgown.

"Guys we need to leave," Addy said, more frantically this time.

"Don't you walk away from me," she said after Dean, "I never loved you. You were my burden. I was shackled to you. Look what it got me."

They all watched as she blinked and her eyes were yellow.

Both brothers are frozen in place and she knows enough about yellow eyes to know why they're so terrified.

"Dean," Sam said as Addy tried to pull them away.

The room begins to change around them and suddenly it's dark and the room is a sickly green as the doors vanish. Mary blinked and her eyes are her own color again.

"The worst was the smell. The pain, well. What can you say about your skin bubbling off? But the smell was so… You know, for a second I thought I'd left a pot roast burning in the oven. But… it was my meat," she growled at them as Addy began frantically looking for a way out, "And then, finally, I was dead. The one silver lining was that at least I was away from you. Everybody leaves you, Dean. You noticed? Mommy. Daddy. Even Sam and when that pretty little girl named Addy who seems to like you so much realizes how pathetic you are she'll leave you too."

"Leave him alone," Addy said, stepping in front of him in some vain effort to shield him from her words.

"You ever ask yourself why? Maybe it's not them. Maybe, it's you," she snarled at him and Addy grabbed his hands as Zachariah appeared behind Mary.

"Easy now, kitten," he said to their mother, stroking her hair.

"You did this," Sam accused the angel who looked happy with his work.

" And I'm just getting started. I mean, guys. Did you really think you could just sneak past me into Mission Control?" he asked with a smug smile.

"You son of a bitch," Addy growled, walking towards him to cause him any sort of pain she could think of but he grabbed her by the throat as two very large angels appeared behind Sam and Dean, holding them back.

"You know, I'd say the same thing about you, Sam, but I have actually grown quite fond of your mother. Or at least the Blessed Memory of her. I've discovered she's quite the... MILF." he said and moved Mary's hair aside, kissing her neck.

Dean had to look away and Addy closed her eyes in disgust as oxygen continued to leave her lungs. He snapped his fingers and Mary disappeared, Addy in her place as he turned her to face the brother, his hand still on her neck.

"I can see why Lucifer likes you so much," he whispered in her ear while looking at Dean, "You're very…alluring."

She struggled against him but he just tightened his grip on her throat.

"You can gloat all you want, you dick, you're still bald," Dean said in an effort to get under his skin.

"In heaven, I have six wings and four faces, one of whom is a lion. You see this because you're…" he trailed off as he ran his hand over the curves on Addy's side and ran his nose over her neck. She shivered in disgust and screwed her eyes shut at his touch, "limited."

"Get your hands off her!" Dean yelled, struggling against the angel who held him back easily.

Zachariah chuckled and asked Addy, "What hold do you have over him? I mean here you are continually breaking his heart and you've got him wrapped around your seductive little finger."

"Go to hell," she whispered, looking away from Dean.

"You must be some kind of hell raiser in bed," he taunted and then made her look to Dean, "Is that it Dean? You want this tight little body all to yourself?"

To drive his point home he grabbed her ass and gave it a painful squeeze, "I know I do and I might just have her. Right here in front of you again and again until you say yes."

Another angel appeared and Zachariah shoved Addy towards him as she fought back, unable to break the hold. He walked over to Dean and slammed a fist into his stomach. He doubled over in pain with a groan.

"You gonna ball-gag us until we say yes? Huh, yeah, I've heard that one too," he said through the pain.

He punched Dean again and this time he crumpled into himself as Addy looked away with burning tears.

"I'm going to do a lot more than that. I've cleared my schedule. Get him up."

The angel restraining Dean pulled him up straight.

"Let me tell you something. I was on the fast track once. Employee of the month, every month, forever. I would walk these halls and people would avert their eyes!" Zachariah yelled and the house shook with his words, "I had respect! And then they assigned me you. Now look at me."

He chuckled darkly, "I can't close the deal on a couple of flannel-wearing maggots? Everybody's laughing at me… and they're right to do it. So! Say yes, don't say yes. I'm still going to take it out of your asses. It's personal now, boys, and the last person in the history of creation you want as your enemy is me. And I'll tell you why. Lucifer may be strong, but I'm petty. I'm going to be the angel on your shoulder for the rest of eternity."

Addy laughed and the angel turned to her with furious eyes, "You think this is funny?"

"Hell yeah I do," she said through laughs, "This isn't about the apocalypse. This isn't about Michael. This is about the fact that you're losing against us."

He grabbed her painfully by the chin, "Shut your mouth Lucifer whore."

She continued laughing, "It makes you mad. You're losing to a bunch of humans and you can't stand it. It's almost like you can't get it up."

"Provoking me is not a smart move," he whispered in fury.

"You could say the same about me," she said, all traces of laughter from her voice, "You keep saying I'm Lilith or I belong to Lucifer, but think about it Zachariah. If that's true than what does that make me? Don't answer because I'll tell you. It makes me powerful, dangerous, and someone you should fear and that is not a good combination. When we get the chance we're going to make sure you're left with nothing. Being humiliated by a couple of flannel wearing maggots will be the least of your worries you pathetic, spineless, disgusting, weak excuse for an angel."

He smiled cruelly, "You'll be begging to take those words back by the time I'm done with you."

"Excuse me?" a polite voice said, interrupting the exchange, "Sir?"

They all looked to see and older looking black man who stood patiently.

"I'm in a meeting," Zachariah said dismissively.

"I'm sorry. I need to speak to those three, "he said kindly.

"Excuse me?" the other angel replied with a scoff.

"It's a bad time, I know, but I'm afraid I have to insist."

"You don't get to insist jack-squat," Zachariah yelled at him.

Instead of backing down he replied," No, you're right. But the boss does. His orders."

"You're lying," he replied, calling the other angels bluff.

"I wouldn't lie about this. Look, fire me if you want. Sooner or later, he's going to come back home and you know how he is with that whole wrath thing," he replied and suddenly Zachariah was gone, they were no longer restrained, and they were in a beautiful indoor garden, the sounds of the forest all around them.

"You're Joshua," Sam said in disbelief.

"I'm Joshua," he agreed.

"So, you talk to God?" Addy asked.

"Mostly, He talks to me."

"Well, we need to speak to Him. It's important," Sam insisted.

"Where is he?" Dean asked.

"On Earth," Joshua replied.

"Doing?" Addy tried to clarify.

"I don't know. We don't exactly speak face-to-face."

" I…I don't get it," Dean said in confusion, "God's not talking to nobody so…"

"Why's he talking to me," Joshua finished, "I sometimes think it's because I can sympathize gardener to gardener and, between us, I think he gets lonely."

"Well, my heart's breaking for him," Dean said in an almost angry tone and Addy looked to him.

"Can you at least get him a message for us?" Sam asked quickly to keep his brother from saying more.

"Actually, he has a message for you. Back off. He knows already. Everything you want to tell him. He knows what the angels are doing. He knows that the Apocalypse has begun. He just doesn't think it's his problem."

"He doesn't think the world he created falling to pieces is his problem?" Addy asked, purely stunned.

"God saved you already. He put you on that plane. He brought back Castiel. He granted you salvation in heaven," he said and then turned directly to Sam, "and after everything you've done too. It's more than he's intervened in a long time. He's finished. Magic amulet or not, you won't be able to find him."

"But he can stop it. He can stop all of it," Dean argued.

"I suppose he could, but he won't."

"Why not?"

"Why does he allow evil in the first place? You could drive yourself nuts asking questions like that."

"So he's just going to let everything literally go to hell?" Addy asked, shaking her head, "I don't understand."

"I know how important this was to you, Dean," he said as Addy looked around in utter confusion, " I'm sorry."

" Forget it. Just another dead-beat dad with a bunch of excuses, right," Dean replied and her heart shattered at his words, "I'm used to that. I'll muddle through."

Addy looked to him and she saw everything she hated to admit. He was fighting, but he was losing.

" Except…you don't know if you can, this time. You can't kill the Devil, and you're losing faith, in yourself, your brother, your first real love and now this? God was your last hope. I just… I wish I could tell you something different." Joshua said.

"Doesn't matter," Addy said, her own voice failing her, " We'll find away. With or without God we'll do it."

"How do we know you're telling the truth?" Sam challenged.

"You think that I would lie?" the angel asked casually.

"It's just that… you're not exactly the first angel we've met," Sam explained.

"I'm rooting for you boys! I wish I could do more to help you, I do. But...I just trim the hedges," he said with regret.

"So what now?" Deans asked, utterly defeated.

"You go home again. I'm afraid this time, won't be like the last. This time, God wants you to remember," he said, lifting his hand, "Except for you Adriana. Your work is done."

"Wait wha-" Dean began but he disappeared and she turned back to Joshua in a panic.

"No," she said with wide eyes, "Send me back! Send me back right now!"

"Isn't this what you wanted?" he asked in confusion, "To be free of this world. I can make it so even Lucifer can't bring you back. If you go back than he will have you one day. Even if he doesn't you will have to continue suffering."

"No," she insisted, " You don't understand. I need to be down there with them. He needs me. Dean needs me. I promised him he wouldn't lose me. I have to go back. Just send me back."

"Adriana I thought I was doing you a favor. Why would you go back after all you've endured in your life?"

"Because I love him," she whispered as tears fell down her cheeks, "I love Dean Winchester ."

"And what can you do for him that you haven't already tried?" he asked, almost in curiosity.

"I can be there with him. I can't stay up here knowing he's down there alone. He needs me. I need him so please," she pleaded in tears, "Please, Joshua. I love him. Please."

SUPERNATURAL

Both brothers woke up with a gasp and sat up. Dean turned to Addy to see her still dead with her eyes open.

"No," he said, pulling her limp body into his arms, "No. Addy you wake up. Come back."

"Dean Joshua said he wasn't bringing her back," Sam said, tears welling in his eyes.

"No," Dean screamed and looked up, "You bring her back to me you son of a bitch! Bring her back right now! She doesn't get to die like this."

Sam had crumpled to his knees as Dean held her with eyes screwed shut and whispered in her hair, "Addy come back. Come back. I need you. I love you just please come back."

He began rocking back and forth with her in his arms.

She coughed and Dean pulled back to look at her with wide, wet eyes as she blinked at him and gasped for air.

"Don't you ever do that to me again," he said and held her tight.

"I'm here, Dean," she said, stroking his hair and holding most of his weight up, "I'm right here."

She met eyes with Sam and he gave her a sad smile which she returned as they held each other.

SUPERNATURAL

Cas had never looked so defeated than when they'd told him what Joshua had said.

"Maybe… maybe Joshua was lying," he tried to explain.

"I don't think he was, Cas. I'm sorry," Sam said gently.

He turned their backs to them and looked up, "You son of a bitch. I believed in…"

He trailed off and then pulled Dean's amulet from his pocket and tossed it back to him, "It's worthless."

"Cas. Wait," Addy said, trying to comfort him but he disappeared in a flutter of wings.

"We'll find another way. We can still stop all this, Dean," she heard Sam say to his brother and Addy kept her back to him, afraid that if they saw her eyes they'd know just how hopeless she was too.

"How?" Dean asked, his voice breaking.

"I don't know, but we'll find it. You and me, we'll find it," Sam insisted.

Addy grabbed her bag and with Sam she watched as Dean dropped his amulet into the trash can and walked off. Sam followed after him leaving Addy as the last one inside. She paused by the door and picked Dean's amulet from the trash and shoved it in her pocket. With one last look at the motel room of horrors, she closed the door and followed them to the Impala.

SUPERNATURAL

They'd driven to a different motel and in the dead of night Dean was outside Addy's door, drinking a bottle of Scotch alone as he leaned against the door. He heard footsteps and he looked to see Addy standing above him in a large sweatshirt he was sure was once his and the so called shorts she wore to bed.

"You shouldn't drink alone," Addy said and sat down next to him after coming back from the broken vending machine for a late night snack, taking the bottle from his hand.

"I didn't want to wake you," he said with a shrug and she took a swig of the strong liquor.

"So you decided to sit outside my door?"

"Thought you were inside."

"I went to the vending machine," she explained and stood up, holding the bottle," Come inside. It's freezing out here."

He stood up as well as she opened the door and he followed her inside as she set the bottle on the bedside table. Closing the door, he noticed the red, angry cut on her thumb, "What happened to your hand?"

She looked down at it, noticing it for the first time, "I haven't done that in years."

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," she replied and walked into the bathroom, flipping on the dull light and turning on the faucet. She put her hand under the water and was tempted to close the door, but it wouldn't do much good as he stepped inside the small space as well. He took her hand from the water, grabbed a piece of toilet paper and gently began wrapping it around with expertise. She didn't dare look up because she knew his eyes were on her.

"You did this to yourself?" he asked.

"I used to do it a lot when I was younger," she said, deciding there was o use hiding it from him, "I kind of just scratch at my skin and I don't even realize I've cut myself until I see blood."

It was true. She'd stood in front of the vending machine for ten minutes before realizing it was broken just scratching at her hand. A former school therapist told her it was her way of inflicting pain on herself so the pain inside her wasn't so large. At the time she'd called bullshit.

"Should I be worried?"

"No," she said truthfully and with the bit of alcohol she'd consumed she got the courage to address the elephant between them, "Should I be…about you?"

"No."

"I know what you're thinking," she blurted and he finished with her hand, dropping it as disappointment flowed through her at their lost connection.

"Than tell me, Addy," he said bitterly, standing in front of her with her back against the sink," What am I thinking?"

She finally met is eyes," You want to give up."

They stared down in silence before his gaze softened and he asked, "Would it really be such a bad thing?"

"Yes," she said angrily, "It would be a very, very bad thing. The whole freaking planet will get destroyed. People will die. You'll be dead."

"Lucifer'll be gone and he leaves you and Sam alone," he challenged.

"Yeah and we'll be without you in a world even more fucked up than it is now."

"You did it when I went to hell."

"Doesn't mean we can do it now. In case you haven't noticed, Sam's still a guilty mess about Lucifer and I'm slightly insane."

"You two will figure it out," he replied carelessly.

"No," she protested ,"You don't get to just give up. You don't get to take the easy way out. If this world is going to hell than you're going to be right by my side watching it burn. So if you think for one second I'm going to sit here and watch you buy into the Michael bandwagon bull than you don't know me at all."

"Why shouldn't I do it, Addy?" he asked pitifully, "Why is my life any more important than the millions of others that'll die if I don't do this. Those people will die, Addy and it'll all be on me. Maybe saying yes to Michael is the right thing."

She stared at him for a few more seconds and then said with a scoff, "Get your head out of your ass."

"Excuse me?" he asked in confusion.

"I said get your head out of your ass," she repeated, "Because you can't spout that crap at me off all people and expect me to believe it. I know you. This isn't about you wanting to do the right thing. It's about you wanting to escape from everything you feel and I get that I really do, but running from your feelings only makes them worse, Dean and it also makes you a coward. You're a lot of things but a coward is and never will be one of them."

His eyes darkened as he put his hands on either side of her on the sink counter and leaned in close, "Addy I don't think you fucking get it."

"I get-"

"Do not interrupt me," he ordered and she swallowed but kept her mouth shut. She had never been afraid of Dean but the look in his eye was just desperate enough that she thought maybe she should be, "It's time to drop the bull shit and face facts. Me, you, Sam, Bobby, hell even Cas, we can't stop this. We're not strong enough. We don't have what it takes to go against something that's been destined since the beginning of time and unlucky for us we are right at the center of it. If we keep poking at this and keep trying to stop this all that's going to happen is we end up worse off than we already are. We've pissed some major players off and the only hope we have that they don't take it out on us is if one of us says yes and it sure as hell won't be you or Sam."

She scoffed, "When has pissing people off ever mattered to you?"

"When Zachariah threatened to rape you right in front of me until I said yes," he said, his jaw clenched so tight she was sure he was in physical pain, "Do you have any idea what that was like? How angry I was? How afraid for you I was? I couldn't do anything."

"I wasn't afraid," she whispered in a vain attempt to comfort him.

"You should've been Addy," he practically growled, "You had every right to be terrified because Zachariah would've done it and I wouldn't have been able to save you. Do you understand me? I. Could. Not. Save. You."

"Is this about Zachariah or the fact that I almost didn't come back this time?"

"Does it even fucking matter?" he practically yelled in her face, "You were dead and I was useless. Some prick was about to rape you and I was useless. Do you not get that? You, Sam, Cas, Bobby, you have all this faith in me and I'm useless!"

She shoved him back so hard, his back hit the wall as angry tears blurred her vision but she refused to let them fall, "Dean you're the one who had the least reasons to feel useless you stupid asshole!"

"What the hell are you-"

"Bobby is paralyzed and in a fucking wheel chair. Sam set Lucifer free and will forever have a problem with demon blood of all things. Cas is exiled from his home and slowly becoming human. I'm a witch who can't use her own damn powers or keep her sanity long enough to do anything to fix that," she yelled and he stared at her in shock," We all looked to you because we all see the one thing you can't! We see hope and we see it in you! What the hell are we supposed to do if you don't even have any?"

He stood in silence as she furiously wiped at her eyes, "Well, Dean. Fucking tell me what to do."

"Lay down and wait for it all to go to hell I guess."

He doesn't exactly know why he said that. He hoped it would finally clear the fog she put around him so she'd see him for what he really was but what he didn't count on was her eyes. He loved her eyes almost as much as he loved her. He'd seen them when she laughed, cried, yelled, and everything in between but he'd never seen the one expression that in that very second he learned he couldn't handle. The expression that conveyed he'd just shattered her heart into a million pieces when she was sure he would be the one guy to never to do that to her.

Her lower lip quivered, "Take it back."

"You know I'm right," he said, shaking his head.

"Take it back," she pleaded as tears finally fell from her eyes.

He had to look away because he couldn't look any longer without tearing up himself, "No."

He listened to shaky breathing as she tried not to cry any harder than she had to and then she heard her stop. He waited for her to leave the bathroom but instead she stood still and when he looked to her she saw she was no longer devastated, but confused and when she figured out whatever she'd been trying to figure out her eyes widened.

She shook her head, "Nice try. You almost had me there too but I'm not done believing in you Dean."

Her cheeks were still wet and her eyes teary as he held her gaze, "What the hell is it gonna take for you to stop?"

She stepped close to him and gently made him look at her. Then she did the most out of context thing she could do at that moment. She stepped back and punched him, square in the jaw.

"What the fuck, Addy?" he yelled, catching his balance.

He snapped his head to her and she did it again, harder this time, "You want me to stop believing in you than do the one thing I know you could never do."

"What the hell are you-"

Before he could finish she punched him in the stomach. It hurt like a bitch and she knew just how hard to punch that it would hurt in the morning, but not enough that she'd do any real damage.

"Hit me back," she screamed at him, waiting for him to stand back up to full height, "Do it if you're so damn done with all of this, Dean."

He struggled to upright himself and gently, she took his face in her hands so she could look at him. Then she head butted him and he hit the wall, letting out a scream of frustration.

"C'mon," she instigated, beckoning him with her hands, "Hit me back. If I were anyone else you would have knocked me out by now but you haven't even tried to block me. Hit me Dean! If you're such a hopeless guy than hit me!"

He stared at her, his breathing hard as he clutched his stomach. She raised her fist but he caught her small wrist in his huge hand and pushed her against the counter, his body against hers as a mix of every emotion she'd ever made him feel swirled in his eyes.

She glanced at his free hand, clenched against his side. She wasn't afraid and if he actually did hurt her she'd be more disappointed than anything else, but she wasn't afraid.

"C'mon, Dean," she whispered, his lips a breath away from hers as they both panted wildly, "Hit the girl you love."

His nostrils flared and his fist came up faster than light. She didn't flinch or close her eyes. She just stared at him as it surged forward, past her, and the sound of glass shattering was heard from behind her.

He let her go and she continued staring at him as he turned her back to her and punched the wall as well, denting it beneath the force. She didn't dare look at the mirror.

She walked out and went to her bag, grabbing the whisky and a medical kit. She went back to the bathroom and before she could come in he took the supplies from her and she sat down on the toilet, looking down.

She could hear the water running but no sound other than that. She wasn't sure what she had done made anything better. Hell, maybe she'd made it worse. She was never good with words. That much was evidence by what she'd just done to Dean. She hadn't meant for it to happen. She was angry and he was losing his will to fight. At the time it seemed like a good enough solution. Now, she wasn't so sure.

"Dean," she said weakly, still not looking up at him, "I know you're probably pissed at me right now but I needed you to see that you're not hopeless. You're not useless.. I want to help you."

The water shut off and she waited for the worst before he yelled, "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I-"

"I can answer that," he said with a humorless chuckle, "You fucking weren't! What if I had actually hit you?"

She finally looked up at him and said simply," You didn't."

"How can you be so sure, huh?"

"You can't. Even if you wanted to you can't."

"What if I do want you?"

"Like I said. You can't. If you could, you would've done it already."

"I should," he said with clenched teeth.

"Than do it, Dean," she said with a shrug.

She could tell by the fire in his eyes he still wanted to punch something. He was angry. Probably at a lot more things than just her. All she was waiting for her was to see what he did about it as he stared down her and her up at him. There was nothing but silence in the bathroom and the shattered mirror.

He braced his hands on the sink and took a deep, angry breath, "You made me punch a fucking mirror."

"That was your choice," she quipped and sighed, putting her head in her hands, "We're a mess."

"Yeah, we are," he agreed, sounding broken.

"We can't keep doing this," she whispered.

"What is this exactly?" he asked with a dark chuckle, "We make out and drive each other crazy and then do it again."

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results," she said, swallowing hard, "And that's all we're doing. The same thing over and over again hoping it'll end up somewhere else."

"So this," he said, pointing between them, "You and me. This is insanity?"

She wiped away a tear that had managed to escape, "Yeah, it is. Guess we're not cut out for the whole soul mates thing, huh?"

"Guess not," he agreed and she met his eyes, "For what it's worth, you've still got me wrapped around your finger."

"Haven't I always?" she teased and he managed a quiet laugh, "We should probably get some sleep."

"Yeah," he agreed, walking out of the bathroom and she followed after him as he opened the door and stepped out into the cool, night air. He turned his back to leave and every bone in her body screamed for him to stay. He must have heard because he turned back to her, leaning against the doorframe.

"One last time?" he asked and she didn't need to ask him to clarify.

She knew and with one nod his lips pressed a soft, full kiss to hers. She sighed and braced her hands on his chest. It was over to soon and he trailed a hand down her cheek as she searched his green eyes.

"Night princess," he said with a small smile.

"Night," she replied with the little voice she had and he walked away as she slowly closed the door. She didn't move from that spot. She just leaned her head against the door. She'd died today. She'd been told she was going to be taken away from Dean. She was threatened and shot and beaten down mentally and physically but this hurt the most.

Letting him go for good hurt the most and damn it she'd felt enough hurt for this lifetime so why was she letting herself feel this? Why was she letting him go when she had the chance to keep him?

"Fuck it," she mumbled and yanked the door open. He stood there, his hand in knocking position.

"Fuck it," he said and crashed his lips against her own. She didn't fight. She didn't ask him why he'd come back. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, raking her hands through his hair as he held her close.

He kicked his foot back, closing the door with finesse before slamming her body against it to lock it. Nothing about this was slow or sweet or gentle. It was needy and desperate in everything they did. She tore apart his flannel and off his body. She tugged at his undershirt and they broke apart so she could pull his up and over her head. He did the same with her sweatshirt until they were chest to chest, the fabric of her bra between them.

They didn't stop kissing. They couldn't. Even air seemed unnecessary as he kicked off his shoes and she unbuttoned his jeans. They dropped in a pool at his feet as he stepped out of them, both of them in underwear. Finally, they pulled apart. She took him in but when she met his eyes they were already on hers.

"Guess this makes us insane, huh?" he asked with a smirk.

"I will gladly accept that diagnosis," she said breathily before his lips were back on hers than trailing down her neck, his hands moving down her waist to her thighs. He hoisted one up and she instantly caught on, jumping into his grip so she could wrap her legs around his waist. He carried her over to the bed and they fell back into the pillows with him on top.

"You know crazy woman are the best in bed," he whispered against her neck as she felt his grin on her skin.

"I'm insane remember," she replied and maneuvered him beneath her, leaning over him with a seductive grin.

With expertise she rolled her hips against his, a noise of animal lust coming from both of them as she started grinding against him with the thin barriers between them. His hands trailed up her bare back to the straps of her bra so they hung off her shoulders. He pressed hard kisses down her neck and collarbone to the valley between her breast.

She felt him, hard and ready against her aching wet sex. After all these months of longing and frustration she didn't want foreplay or slow love making. She wanted him in the wickedest of ways. His hand traveled between her his legs and she felt calloused fingers on the wet fabric of her panties.

She shivered with his touch as he pushed her underwear inside and brushed that aroused bud.

"Fuck," she breathed out.

"We'll get to that in a minute," he said, muffled in the crook of her neck.

"Now," she whispered, "I want it now. No more fucking waiting."

"Maybe I should just leave you here?" he threatened, rubbing at her clit as she gripped him tight, "Right before you go over the edge."

She let out a loud groan, "Don't you dare."

"Why shouldn't I?"

She pushed him back into the pillows and yanked down his boxers. He sprung free and he threw his head back with a groan, "Because there's no way in hell I'm letting you leave."

Giving him no time to adjust she pushed her underwear aside and slowly sank down on his member until he was fully inside her, filling her perfectly and hitting a spot she'd forgotten existed.

"Fuck, Addy," he groaned loudly.

"Not quite yet," she whispered and moved her hips in a figure eight motion, "Now we are."

He grabbed her hips as she braced her hands on his chest. His eyes fluttered open, meeting hers as she began a steady rhythm that stole her breath. She was practically using him and she couldn't help but feel all the anger and frustration she'd built up towards him come flowing out.

"I hope you're fucking happy you prick," she panted, riding him and making sure his eyes were on her, "Making me wait all this time…being such a fucking tease."

"You're riding me," he whispered with a smirk, "I am pretty damn happy."

"What do you want from me Dean? Huh?" she asked, moving against him with ferocity, "You come crawling to me in the middle of the night, sitting outside my door like a lost puppy and I'm not sorry for how I handled it. I will continue bitch smacking sense into whenever you start going all hopeless hero on me."

"Is this another punishment than?" he asked and she dug her nails into his chest making him roar in pain and pleasure.

"Shut the hell up and let me finish you narcissistic, self hating, son of a bitch," she growled, pushing her words out through the pleasure building in her body that only made her angrier because she wanted to hate him right now but she couldn't resist him either, "God, I hate you right now. I hate you're shit eating grin and you're fucking eyes."

"What else?" he provoked, sitting up and tangling his hands in her hair, pulling her close so they were face to face.

"I hate the way you make feel when you touch me," she continued, gritting her teeth.

"Come on, princess," he urged, thrusting up into her with his steady gaze on hers, "Keep going. Don't stop now."

"I hate that I can't control myself around you and I hate that I can't fucking quit you no matter how hard I try, "she yelled, shaking as he pushed her closer and closer over the edge.

"I know that's not it, Addy," he growled and he had her beneath him in one second, pinning her arms down with her legs beneath his shoulders as he thrust into her, "Come on, Addy. Say it."

"I can't I-I-"

"Come on baby just say it, please," he begged, pounding into her and clutching her hands. She was close. He could tell in the way she tightened around him and how she shook beneath him.

"Don't make me," she pleaded, "Dean, please don't."

"Addy, please, baby. Just say it. I know you do. Say it."

Stars crossed her vision and he let go of one of her hands and reached between them. She wanted to tell him to stop but when he pressed that button she went over the edge and he made sure to pull her to the bottom.

"I hate that I love you," she screamed and then it was his name and then it was incoherent noises of pleasure as the feeling spread over her whole body and into his as they finished one after another. He thrust became sloppier and sloppier before finally he hung his head, panting wildly with her.

They lay still, the only sound in the room their wild breathing.

"Oh God," she whispered and he looked up at her, "Oh God what have I done?"

"Addy it's-"

"No," she said and pushed him off her and held the covers to her chest, "No, we shouldn't have-"

"Damn it, don't even think about second guessing that. You cannot sit right next to me after what just happened and tell me you regretted that."

"Of course I should regret it, Dean! We don't have time for this. We can't-"

"This is not about us or about time. This is about you being afraid and you know what? Fuck that, Addy. You said it. You told me you love me so guess what? There's no going back now so either tell me to get out and we do this when you grow a pair again or I tell you I love you and I spend the rest of the night making you scream like you just did over and over again until you're begging me to stop."

They stared down in silence.

"I know you're scared. I know you think this'll end badly but now that I've heard you say it I can't forget it. So please, Addy …I love you."

She opened and closed her mouth. Her entire body ached for him. Her soul ached for him and she knew how to make it go away.

"I love you too," she whispered.

"Good," he said with relief and pulled her into his arms, "Now I believe I promised you a night you'll never forget."

"I believe you did, Winchester," she said with a small smile as he gently laid her back on the bed.

He brushed a stray strand of hair from her face, "So you don't hate me."

"I do," she said with a wink and then her face sobered as she pressed a light kiss to his lips," but I love you more."

He broke out in a grin wider than his face, "You're finally mine."

"I'm all yours," she agreed as they got tangled in each other.

They don't know how long it is before they finally pass out in each other's arms but he spends the entire night worshipping her because he doesn't know how long it'll be before he has to let her go.