Love, Amy decided, was not worth it. Love, she concluded, was a fucking bitch out to get you at every turn. Love…
Love sucked.
It sucked out loud and it sucked hard and it sucked the life right out of you. Especially when it seemed like love was bound and fucking determined to make you pay. To make you suffer for your sins, to make you burn for every time it gave you a chance and you let it slip away.
Love, ironically enough, was karma.
And that only made it suck worse.
Love, she realized, was the sort of… fucker… that made you feel out of place, that made you feel like an intruder in your own home.
(or driveway, as the case may be)
Even if half that we is in love with someone else
Everyone said that love was those three little words but those eleven seemed to do a pretty damn good job of it too. Good, at least, if you weren't her.
Tommy was the first to take the hint. He started, three or four times, to say something, to break the silence that had fallen over them like darkness, but then he just shook his head and silently walked to his truck. He got it. There was a couple there, there were people with feelings and connections and something (Amy refused to use that word) between them. And he was just a spectator, an interloper, a moment of fear and confusion for them overcome.
And so, Amy knew, was she. Even if she wasn't quite as ready as Tommy to accept it. Fuck all, she wasn't sure she'd ever be ready for that. Watching Karma and Lauren together? All the time? Holding hands and kissing and not just behind closed doors where she could only imagine it?
Yeah. Not ready, not gonna be ready. Not now. Not tomorrow or the next day or the day she turned a hundred and one.
No one else even seemed to notice Tommy going. Karma was staring at Lauren and Lauren was staring at Karma and Amy was staring at them both (and wondering how long she could do that before it made her go blind.) And Shane was staring at her and Amy could feel his eyes, could feel the weight of his stare and all the… disappointment it held.
He called her the Liam.
He called her the Liam.
And the worst of it was that he was right. And she knew it. Knew, but didn't care. Nope. Not even a little. Amy gave absolutely no fucks. Kind of like the number they'd clearly given about her.
Shane stepped slowly to her side, resting a hand on her arm. "Come on," he whispered (and Amy hadn't known he could do that), tugging her gently toward the house. "Let them work it out," he said.
Amy yanked her arm free of his grasp and shook her head. Nobody was working out shit. Not while she… while she…
Fuck. Fuck all. Just… FUCK!
Not while she was there. Not while she was there and by 'there' she so meant 'in the way' and by 'in the way' she meant 'in between them' and that's where she was, where she had put herself, squarely, smackdab right between them.
Except from the way Lauren was looking at Karma (and Amy had never seen Lauren look at anyone like that) and the way Karma was looking at Lauren (and Amy had only dreamed of Karma looking at her like that), she wasn't sure how 'between' them she really was. Because it didn't seem like there was anything between them.
Even if half that we is in love with someone else
OK, so maybe something. And… fuck! (again)
"Amy," Shane whispered again. "It's time. Time to go."
Well, Amy thought, that might actually be true. Or it had been. It had been time to go, it had been time to go long ago, way back in a theater, way back when she left Karma and went with Reagan. It had been time then to go the other way, but her fear and her lust her certainty that Karma didn't really feel anything for her won out.
It was logical, that certainty. Karma had come out to everyone as straight (more than once) and rejected her (more than once) and was only attracted to boys (more than once) (even if every time was the same boy) and so, yeah, it was perfectly fucking logical for Amy to stay with Reagan and leave Karma there with nothing but popcorn in her hand and a broken heart.
If you can't love the one you want (or she can't love you) then love the one you're with. And a straight girl was never going to love her, Amy knew that much. But as she stared at Karma staring at Lauren, she realized that was all she knew.
She shook her head again but didn't pull away when Shane took her by the arm again, slowly steering her toward the house. She walked backward, in slow and halting steps, unable to look away, simply not able to stop. She wanted to see it, she needed to, she needed it burned into her mind and her heart (and her soul, if she was going to be that fucking dramatic about it all.) It was the only way she'd ever get over it.
Oh, who was she kidding? She was never getting over it. Amy knew that even as Shane guided her back into the house and settled her down on the couch in the living room. He left her, for just a moment (and she knew he was watching her the whole time) and came back with a glass of ice water.
"Drink," he said.
"It'll take more than water," she said back, pushing the glass away. "A fuckload more."
Shane set the glass down on the coffee table in front of her and sat down next to it. "I know it hurts -"
"You know nothing, Shane Harvey," she snapped. "When was the last time your soulmate choose your sister over you?"
"My sister is a raging nympho with daddy issues and a habit of fucking inappropriately older men, so no, I don't think she's ever been with my… soulmate."
She heard it. The way he said the word. Soulmate. 'Fucking' had rolled off his tongue with more ease, with less contempt, without half the… yuck.
"You can roll your eyes all you want, Shane," Amy said. She pushed back on the couch, putting as much distance between them as she could. "But it's true. Karma is my soulmate."
No matter what had happened, no matter what Karma and Lauren had done (or were going to be doing) (probably soon) (make up sex and all), Amy was sure of that much. Karma was her soulmate. Now and forever.
"Maybe she is," Shane said. He didn't put much stock in the whole idea but he knew Amy (and Karma) always had. "But maybe you ought to start considering the possibility that you aren't hers."
She's never gonna forgive me. Not for this. There's no coming back from this.
Lauren looked at Karma and Karma looked at her and they were both thinking that same thing about the same person. Cause even though Shane had taken her away and led her off? Amy was still there. Right there. Right where she'd always been. Between them. And they had only themselves to blame for that.
"We should have told her," Lauren said. She kept fidgeting, putting her hands behind her back and then folding them in front of her and then behind her again. She just didn't know what to do with them (even if she knew exactly what she wanted to do with them, but Amy was like fifty feet away, just inside and if she came back out…)
Karma didn't care about that, though. She stepped closer and caught Lauren's hands, holding them both tight within her own. "I should have told her," she said. "And I shouldn't have let her…" She trailed off. Something about saying 'kiss me', something about talking about kissing another girl while she was holding Lauren's hands seemed sort of (not sort of) wrong.
"It wasn't your fault," Lauren said. "I saw it. I saw the whole thing and she didn't leave you much choice."
Much. That was the word Karma heard, the one she focused on. Much. Not 'no choice', not 'didn't leave you a choice' or 'any choice'. Much. And that was the word for it, that was exactly what Amy had left her (that and a bruise on her ass from the table and a taste on her lips that made her nauseous.) Much choice. Amy hadn't left her much, but she'd left her just enough, just enough rope to tie her own noose.
Karma felt dirty, like she'd cheated (which she technically had.) It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling, it reminded her a lot of being with Liam, of all the sneaking around and the hiding in the art room and the thunderbox and she had to squeeze her eyes shut and wait for the urge to puke to pass. Which, apparently, took just long enough for the urge to cry to come.
The tears came at the same moment she felt Lauren drop her hands and Karma thought it was done, that she'd fought so hard and lost her anyway, but then those same hands (Lauren's hands) were on her back and the arms they belonged to were wrapped around her and they were both sliding to the ground, cradling each other in the driveway as Karma sobbed and Lauren ran her hands along her skin and tangled them in her hair and kissed her softly over and over.
"It's OK," she whispered. "I'm here."
"I'm sorry," Karma said (mostly into Lauren's shoulder) (and a bit into her hair.) "I'm so sorry. I never should have… I didn't want her to… she just… and then…" She leaned back as far as she could without breaking the grip of Lauren's arms. "I'm sorry."
Forgiveness had never been Lauren's strong suit. Hell, it had never been any suit, not for her, especially not when it came to relationships or love. (Not that she'd had many of the former and, really, none of the latter.) And she could imagine herself not forgiving Karma. She could picture herself leaving Karma there, sobbing in the driveway. She'd won, right? Karma had chosen her and it would be sweet sweet victory to leave her there and walk back inside, telling Amy she could have her now.
She could see it. She could fucking taste it. Her imagination was good.
But that was the thing. Lauren could imagine that. But she'd felt (like, for real) what it was like without Karma. She'd experienced what it was like to lose her, even if was just for a few hours, and even if it wasn't real (cause Karma chose her.) She could claim victory, she could rub it in Amy's face, she could gloat and celebrate and never ever forgive. She could, she knew that, she'd done it before.
Maybe, she thought, it was time for something… new.
Lauren cupped Karma's face in her hands and kissed her softly once and then again and then again. Karma's tears slowed and she stopped shaking (as much) but Lauren could see it in her eyes. She didn't need kisses and holding and touching. Karma needed to hear it.
"You asked me to stay," she said. "You asked me to stay and I'm staying." The tears started anew but there was a smile under them and Lauren knew Karma understood. "So you better be staying with me, or so help me God -"
Karma kissed her then, soundly her arms snaking around the tiny blonde's body, pulling her closer and closer and holding her tight (like she was never planning on letting go) and Lauren thought the other girl might just squeeze the life out of her.
Forgiveness, it turned out, had its perks. Forgiveness, Lauren decided, was totally worth it.