Wow, I wasn't expecting the response this story got. Thank you guys so much.
I just want to say that while I've never struggled with an eating disorder, people close to me have. I want to do the subject justice, so if anyone feels like I got something wrong/unrealistic or anything like that, please let me know. :)
Anyway, enough of my rambling...
When the crying subsided and Paige came to her full senses, she quickly stepped back from Walter, a little embarrassed. "I-I should go home."
She began to walk to the door, when he stopped her, "Wait. Y-you shouldn't drive like this."
He was right. She would never let Walter drive if he were like this. She sighed and turned around, pulling out her phone, "I'll get an Uber."
Walter scratched the back of his head before suggesting hesitantly, "O-or you could stay here. I'm used to sleeping on the couch, and you wouldn't have the commute time." Hesitating, he continued, "A-and, um, i-it would probably be better if you weren't alone. It would be, uh, more efficient."
Paige smiled at his favorite word. The concern in his eyes told her this wasn't about efficiency, and for the first time in a long time, she didn't mind his use of the word. Just knowing he cared about her made her feel... well... cared about. Which sounded stupid, she realized. Abandoning the train of thought completely because she apparently wasn't capable of intelligent thought at the moment, she couldn't help but be enticed by the idea. But she had a Skype call with Tim, and she shouldn't skip out on it, and besides... she had made a decision today, and wanted to get it over with. Wishing she didn't have to say this and avoiding his eyes, she answered, "Um, thanks, but I need to get home."
"Oh. Okay. Well, um, I could drive you. I-I'm not really doing anything anyway, and you w-wouldn't have to pay anything."
She sighed, doubting that he wasn't doing anything, because he always was, "Yeah, okay."
They drove in silence, and for the first time in months, it wasn't awkward. Heavy, full of unanswered questions and anxiety, yes. But not awkward, and definitely not angry.
Walter pulled into the parking lot in front of her apartment, and as she started to get out, he spoke for the first time since the garage, "Paige?"
She stopped and turned around, "Yes?"
"Um, w-will you be okay?"
She smiled and answered genuinely, "Yes, I will be." He looked like he wanted to say more, but he stayed silent, so she continued, "Thanks for the ride, and um, thanks, thanks for, uh you know." Good use of words, Paige. When had she become the emotionally awkward one?
Walter just nodded, his lips in a thin line, as she got out of the car and went into her apartment. She got ready for bed, then grabbed her laptop and sat on her bed.
Paige knew what she needed to do. It was going to be messy and painful, but it was the best thing for her own health. And Walter. It was time she fixed things with him.
Paige took a deep breath and opened the laptop, "Hey, Tim."
"Hi, how are you?"
"Um, I'm okay."
After a pause, Tim asked, concerned, "Are you? You look tired."
Well, that's what every girl wants to hear. She sarcastically replied, "Thanks."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. If something's wrong, you can tell me. I care about you."
Boy, he was sweet. But then she realized that Walter said the same thing. Walter might not have been as smooth and confident, but it was the same words. God, how much of that had she missed? Had she really been ignoring Walter that much?
In her silence, Tim grew a little nervous, "Hey, Paige. I know this long distance thing is hard, but... well I didn't want to say this until I could say it in person, but, um, I love you. We're good together, and I want to make sure you know I'm committed to making us work, long distance or not."
Oh, shit. That just made this so much harder. How could she do what she had to do right after he said... Oh god. He was looking at her expectantly, hopefully. He wanted her to say it back. She pressed her lips together as her eyes filled with tears. She buried her face in her hands, "I'm so sorry Tim."
Tim frowned, "What do you mean?"
Dropping her hands and taking a big gulp of air, she stared at the keyboard and whispered, "I don't think it's going to work between us."
Silence. She looked back at the screen hesitantly, and he finally spoke, "W-What do you mean?"
"Tim, it's... I've been leading both of us on. I wanted to love you, but, it's just not..." She shook her head, unable to finish the sentence. She didn't love Tim, but she did care about him, and how could she sit here and tell him that she could never love him in that way? "I realized this a few days ago, and-"
"A few days ago? So we've Skyped every day, and you haven't told me?"
"Tim, I didn't want to say anything until I was really sure this is what I want. I've had to think about it a lot."
Another silence. His voice grew quiet, "So, this is really what you want?"
She nodded, "I'm sorry Tim. I never meant to hurt you."
He sighed. "What... what caused this?"
She looked back down at the keyboard. "I, um, well I guess my feelings for Walter are... they're not as gone as I thought they were. It's not your fault, Tim, I just-"
"Are you kidding? You're giving me the 'it's not you it's me' line?"
Her eyes snapped back to the screen, "No, Tim, I didn't mean it like that. The truth is, I shouldn't be dating anyone until I resolve... whatever this is."
Tim exhaled through his nose. Not ready to give up, he said, "I can come back to LA. I wouldn't mind. We can fix this."
Paige shook her head, "No, Tim, that wouldn't fix anything. It's... we're not going to happen. I'm really sorry, you have to believe me."
"I believe you're sorry. Doesn't mean I'm not upset, or that I can accept your apology right now."
She nodded, "Yeah, I get that. Just... will you be okay?"
He shrugged and pressed his lips in a thin line, "I'm gunna have to be eventually, right?"
"Okay..." She trailed off, unsure what to say and feeling incredibly guilty. "Just, um, if you ever do forgive me, will you call me? Just so I know..."
He nodded, and answered shortly, "Yeah. Sure."
"Okay, well... bye, I guess."
"Bye, Paige." And the screen went black. She flopped down on her pillows, the image of Tim's tired, sad puppy dog eyes burning in her mind. God, she hated that.
She felt a little relieved that it was over, but she still had a lot to work through with Walter, and now she felt the weight of breaking a man's heart on her shoulders as she turned out the lights and went to bed.
Paige rolled up to the garage the next morning, cut the engine, and gave herself a moment to prepare. She closed her eyes and rested her head on the seat, whispering to herself, "Be determined to have a good day, and you will."
She had first heard it in therapy. Obviously, it was easier said than done, and it wasn't always true. But it helped. She hadn't gotten much sleep last night, and hoped it didn't show through her makeup as she walked in the garage.
"What happened to you?" She heard Toby's voice ring across the garage.
Without looking around for where he was, she called back, "Shut up, Toby."
What she hadn't expected was Walter's voice to cut in over hers at the same time, "Shut up, Toby." She snapped her head up in Walter's direction, but he had already disappeared into the kitchen.
Paige sat down at her desk and began going through the stack of papers she'd organized the night before that she needed to finish today. Footsteps approached her, and she looked up to see Walter carrying a mug of coffee. "I, um... here." He set the mug down on her desk somewhat abruptly, standing awkwardly as if unsure what to do.
She could smell cinnamon, and she smiled, still looking at the coffee. Picking it up and letting the warmth sooth her hands, she turned her smile to Walter. "Thank you, Walter." He nodded and hesitated, as if he wanted to say something, then turned around and went back to his desk.
She took a sip, staring thoughtfully into the dark liquid. He'd put two creams, no sugar. Just the way she liked it. Tim had known that too, right from the start of their relationship. But had he learned it because he cared about her, or because he was her boyfriend, and that's something boyfriends were supposed to know? Had she even wanted him to know, or was she just relieved to have someone who knew how to appropriately fill their role? Had she ever wanted his role to be her boyfriend, or was she just craving something easy and simple? She'd been questioning more and more aspects of her "perfect" relationship with Tim like this for several months, since Tim left for Jordan, until she had realized it wasn't so perfect. Her mom was right. She'd been conning herself, and everyone else around her in the process.
Walter, on the other hand, had never done these things out of obligation, or with an object in mind. It was just because... he wanted to. That is, until she'd started dating Tim. Boy, she'd royally screwed up.
The coffee's hunger suppressant quality began to work. She'd had to rush out that morning, oversleeping her alarm and leaving no time for breakfast. Part of her wondered if she'd subconsciously done it on purpose, so she wouldn't have to face the task of arguing with her own brain. Wow, that didn't make her sound crazy at all.
She ran her fingers through her hair, frustrated. The more stressed and overwhelmed she became, her exhaustion and anorexia simultaneously worsened, leaving her with a more urgent need to fight her eating disorder and less energy to fight it with, making her more stressed and overwhelmed. She was spiraling. She recognized that. Pressing her lips together, she grabbed her phone and headed into the bathroom. Hopefully there wouldn't be any eavesdropping geniuses in there.
It wasn't what she'd gone into the bathroom to do, but before she knew it she was standing sideways in front of the mirror, sandwiching her abdomen between her hands, and judging the size of her stomach. As soon as she realized what she was doing, she abruptly dropped her hands. She grabbed her phone, turned away from the mirror, and made the call she'd come in here for.
She hadn't gone to therapy in a long time. She hadn't felt the need. Whenever it resurfaced, she was usually able to get a handle on it fairly quickly. But she couldn't seem to do that now, and she was scared as hell that she might not get it under control this time. So she made an appointment, because it was the only thing she could think to do.
Paige exited the bathroom, hoping she had been in there a plausible amount of time that no one would suspect she was doing anything else. Again it bugged her that she wanted to keep it secret so much. She didn't know what that was. She made a mental note of it, hoping to bring it up in her appointment.
Arriving at her desk, she sat down and pulled open her top drawer, intending to pull out the latest case file for her paperwork. But she immediately noticed a bag of chocolate covered pretzels and a payday, with a note laid on top.
I wanted to make you feel better, but didn't know how. Hope this helps.
It wasn't signed, but she knew that handwriting anywhere. It was Walter. She felt herself melt, and tears blurred her vision. She folded the note and stuffed it in her purse while she recollected herself. Then she looked over to Walter's desk. He was on his computer, brow furrowed. He didn't notice her eyes on him, and she looked back into her drawer. Paydays were her favorite candy bar. How'd he know? She didn't think she had ever mentioned it.
Paige hadn't eaten yet. She really should eat a real meal, but getting through a payday was much less daunting than forcing down a full meal. And at that moment, she'd take what she could get. So she opened the wrapper, took a bite, and picked up a pen to begin filling out the first form, unaware that Walter was watching her.