So… this isn't the last chapter! I should stop saying the next chapter is going to be the last. You know what? The next chapter isn't going to be the final chapter. Sorry if you're getting sick of this… I'm on a roll people!
Anyway, I've upgraded the ratings to M because of some violence in this chapter. I'd warn sensitive souls to avoid this but then again you guys all watch the show so… you should be fine! Enjoy!
Part. 4
Peter doesn't remember how he got here. His mind is an endless void; there nothing left but fear and confusion. He's cold, so cold, and vaguely aware of water dripping from his hair down his back. Peter tries not to think. He doesn't want to remember what happened. He clenches his hands into fists; fuck he'd give anything to have something to hit right now! Someone to fight against, to hurt… Everything hurts.
He let's his head fall against a wooden door, resting his forehead against the panel.
Memories flash in front of his eyes so he squeezes them shut. No, god no!
"Peter?"
The door has been opened to reveal his cousin, who is looking at him worriedly. She grabs him by the shoulders and tries to drag him inside her apartment.
"What happened?" Destiny asks, eyes wide in shock. "You look awful!"
Peter shakes her off, backing away from her touch.
"Don't!" he growls, raising his hands like he wants to protect himself.
"Peter" Destiny insists, trying to get closer to him.
"Don't!"
This time it sounds more like a bark then anything remotely human. Destiny takes a step back.
"Ok!" she says calmly. "Ok! It's ok Peter! Everything's fine!"
But it's not fucking fine! Shit! She doesn't know! If she knew what he had done… what the wolf had done…Peter drops to the ground, resting his body against the wall and hides his face into his hands.
"What going on?" he hears someone ask.
It's Andreas, he guesses. Destiny says something to him but Peter can't make out what it is. His ears are buzzing.
"Are you sure?" Andreas replies.
"Yeah, I'll be fine! Go!"
"What if he turns?" Andreas asks.
He is by Peter's side, ready to walk out the door.
"He won't! And I've got the tranquilizers ready!"
Andreas leaves. Peter still hides behind his hands. He feels a presence seating next to him, and blanket being put on his shoulders. It's smells familiar, like herbs and it calms him down a little.
"Are you hurt?" Destiny asks.
He shakes his head. No, he's fine.
"There's blood on your collar!" She insists, worried.
"It's nothing." Peter says, lowly.
Destiny takes his hands into hers and carefully lowers them down onto Peter's thighs. Then she places one of her own hand on his cheek.
"Do you remember what happened?" She asks softly.
Peter sighs. He closes his eyes and lets his head fall back against the wall.
He thinks.
-HG-
The feel of Roman's teeth sinking into his skin is the first thing that comes back to him. Peter remembers a twinge of pain, which went as quickly as it came. Then there was no discomfort, just the sensation of Roman's body close against his, lightly touching him but not quite daring more. Having Roman drink from him wasn't painful or uncomfortable at all and Peter was surprised. He even wondered why, when Roman talked about feeding, he always looked so horrified. It really wasn't so bad, not at all bad actually. But then it began. Peter started feeling warm, too warm and soon enough his clothes rubbing against his skin were burning him. Peter's entire body became hyper aware of Roman, standing right there behind him. He had trouble standing still, unmoving; all he wanted was to turn around and face him. The touch of his mouth against his neck became increasingly enjoyable and Peter caught himself wishing Roman would suck harder on him; and right then he felt a rush of blood surging rapidly into his groin. He held back a gasp and bit his lower lip, willing himself to remain quiet. The warmth that coursed through him had turned into something else, something much more intense and consuming.
Now that it was gone, Peter was finding it hard to redefine the sensation for himself.
He remembers every inch of him shaking in pleasure, from the root of his hair to the tip of his nails. It seemed right and Peter had let this strange phenomenon run its course, embracing the sensation. His brain shut off completely, enjoying this incredibly feeling of bliss that was overcoming it, clouding everything behind a thick veil of satisfaction. Peter, by then, was painfully hard and so close to actually reaching his hand down his pants to release himself, only a little. But he moaned. Loudly. And instantly, Roman backed off.
"Did I hurt you?" He asked, voice strangled.
Peter remembered his worried expression. Roman had looked at him with a mix of pity and guilt that had annoyed Peter to no end. All he wanted was to pull Roman against him and wipe that stupid expression of his face. No he hadn't hurt him, couldn't he tell how fucking hard he was right now dammit?! Peter didn't even know what to reply, all he noticed was that Roman was wearing too many clothes. He was aching to rip them off of him. And then he would bite him. Oh, Peter was desperate to bite Roman, right there on the stomach. He was willing to drop to his knees and beg for it, that's how much he wanted it. Would Roman let him? He had too!
"Do you need anything? Water? Food? Something sweet!" Roman blurted. "I hear it helps after… blood loss!"
Roman's face twisted in disgust at the mention of blood loss. And Peter just stood there, so stupidly confused thinking why was he still talking anyway? He looked past Roman, and thought his desk would be an excellent place to pin him down. That would surely make him shut up. Peter's frame shook in anticipation.
"I have to go to the meeting!" Roman said. "I'm sending somebody up to check on you… if she asks too many question I'll make sure she forgets!"
Peter didn't really listen; he was incapable of grasping that Roman was actually going to leave him right now. He wouldn't… couldn't. Not after… after this! Wasn't he feeling the way Peter was feeling? Hadn't he experienced that incredible, unexplainable… thing that Peter had?
"I'll be back as soon as I can!" Roman said, looking contrite.
Peter tried to say something… anything so that he wouldn't leave but nothing came. And so Roman left and as soon as he was away from his sight, Peter started feeling restless. Angry. The heat that had overtaken him so completely seemed unbearable; his skin itched and burned like it was on fire. It was similar to when the full moon was approaching but much worse. Peter felt his legs shake and give up under his weight; he caught himself onto Roman's desk and witnessed his own reflection in the glass panel. His cheeks were flushed and his pupils dilated, with the hint if a golden tint threatening to expand.
"Oh no!" Peter gasped.
Was he going to turn? His head was spinning and he couldn't concentrate. All he knew was that he had never craved sex that much in his entire life. Unable to restrain himself, he finally grabbed his aching penis and began rubbing it violently, holding back a desperate sob. It wasn't remotely satisfying. Soon enough, a warm liquid spilled into Peter's hand and that's how he realized he had come. For a minute then, Peter felt slightly better and hoped he was going to calm down but then the heat came back full force, if not stronger than before. His stomach twisted in want and his erection, if it had ever disappeared, was back to throbbing painfully.
"Shit!" Peter choked.
He would have panicked if his brain hadn't felt like cotton.
"Sorry… are you Peter?" a feminine voice said from behind.
For some reason, Peter managed to think of covering himself before turning around, to see a middle aged brunette walking into the office, slowly.
"Mr Godfrey asked that somebody check up on you." The woman, who must have been a nursed, said. "Apparently you've… hurt your neck?" She asked.
Peter blinked. He didn't understand why she was here.
"What?" He had replied, confused.
"You're bleeding!" The nurse gasped. "Let me take a look."
Foolishly thinking Peter was probably dazed because of his injury, she walked over to him, unknowing what was awaiting her.
That had been a big mistake….
-HG-
"No!" Peter said, snapping back to the present. "No!"
"What's wrong?" Destiny asks, trying to read his eyes.
But Peter keeps avoiding her gaze. It worries her.
"I hurt her, Destiny…" He confesses in a small voice.
"Who? What are you talking about?" Destiny encourages.
Peter just shakes his head, pressing his lips in a tight line. With a small sigh of defeat, Destiny helps him up and leads him to the bathroom.
"You're freezing!" She says, helping Peter out of his drenched shirt, which is sticking to him like a second skin. "You must have stayed outside under the rain for a while!"
Peter shrugs. He's not sure where he's been.
"You need a shower Pete! It'll make you feel better!" Destiny says, optimistically.
"Yeah… Ok!" Peter says.
"Do you need help?"
"I'm fine!"
He's actually looking forward to being left alone. When Destiny's gone, he undresses and climbs in the shower, slightly comforted when hot water starts to run across his skin. How great it would be if he didn't have to get out at some point? If he could just remain here, warm and with a hazy mind, here where thinking is unnecessary. Here in a half, transitional world where decision don't have to be taken, things don't have to be confronted and justified. A half-world.
Peter sighs and turns off the shower. Destiny had left some warm clothes for him to put on.
When he walks back into the living room, Destiny and Andreas are there, waiting, along with Cornelia and Deidre, who is standing in a corner with a worried expression painted upon her features.
"So… I hear someone's done it again!" The old woman says mischievously when she spots Peter.
"Woops!" he snaps sarcastically. "My bad!"
"Don't be cute! I told you to listen to your wolf!" Cornelia scolds, clearly annoyed.
"I have!"
"Really? Then why did you almost turn again when the full moon had just passed?"
"I didn't… almost turn. That's not what happened!" Peter adds, voice breaking.
Cornelia's eyebrows jump up.
"Right!" She says. "Everybody out! I need to speak with the wolf alone."
Everyone aims for the door obediently except for Destiny.
"Are you gonna make him sleep again?" She asks, suspicious.
"No! Now leave!"
Grumbling, Peter's cousin gets up and leaves the room.
"So…" Cornelia says when they're alone. "You didn't try to turn. So what happened?"
Peter stares into space and remains silent.
"You in there?" Cornelia asks, waving a hand in front of his eyes.
"I don't remember!" Peter snaps, irritably.
"Well start remembering and stop wasting my damn time!
Peter remains stubbornly silent so Cornelia sighs dramatically.
"Look kid, I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong. So how about your start spilling? I'm old, I won't judge!"
Tired and resolved, Peter closes his eyes and is taken back to what happened earlier that day.
The nurse walks over to Peter and her sent suddenly fills his nostrils, captivating him. He was back against the desk and soon she was besides him, slowly removing his jacket, as if she was afraid to scare him.
"It's ok!" She reassured. "I'm just going to take a look at you neck. Ok?"
Peter nodded. She smelled nothing like Roman. So for a minute he thinks he can handle her proximity. But then she lightly touches the surface of his neck where Roman had bit. Something pulses inside of Peter. He gasps, shocked by the delight he feels being touched, right there, on the mark Roman has left.
"It's strange!" The nurse says, unaware of the effect her molestations are having on Peter. "There's blood but there's no wound. It's like you've healed already."
She runs her fingers over the mark, sending jolts of raw need coursing through Peter's entire body.
"When did you say you hurt your neck?" She asks, with a nice, reassuring smile.
Peter never replies. Something in his mind goes blank, and suddenly he's pinning the nurse down firmly on the desk. She doesn't even have time to scream in surprise; Peter's already covered her mouth with one hand, holding back her arms with the other in almost no effort. The nurse tries to shake him off, and ends up rubbing herself against Peter by doing so. He sends her a predatory smile. The look of pure terror she give him only excites him more. Something inside of him likes it; feels empowered by it. Peter rips out a piece of her skirt and plunges it in her mouth, making sure she isn't able to scream. Before using one of his free hands to work up her skirt, Peter grabs onto one her thigh, pushes it open and bites the tender skin on the inside eagerly. The nurse gives a strangle cry that has Peter squirming in anticipation. He unbuttons his pants as his hands shake with want; he's already picturing how good it will feel to thrust violently inside of her. He's about to tear away her underwear when his eyes rise up to the glass panel, where Peter sees his own reflection again.
His eyes are glowing and his features are bent inhumanly into a savage expression. There's no fur and his bones haven't started to break into something else, yet Peter's never looked more like a wild animal. Underneath him, the nurse has passed out from shock, but tears are still running down her pale cheeks. Blood is dripping from her wounded thigh.
Horrified, by what he sees, Peter snaps out of his trance. What has he done? Just a few seconds ago he was ready to… He can't even think it now! He was going to hurt this woman… And the thought of it had pleased him! Peter shakes in horror. He gets off the unconscious body, suddenly unable to bear being in contact with it when he was craving it only mere seconds ago. He's a monster! And not just physically anymore! A wave of nausea hits him and seconds later he is spilling the gooey remains of the steak Shelley's cooked for him onto the floor.
Peter almost chokes, both sobbing and vomiting and the same time. He can't breath.
He wipes out his mouth and runs out of he office, the building, and then he just runs.
-HG-
"You were going to force yourself onto this woman?"
Peter nods, tears running down his cheeks.
"I don't know what's wrong with me!" He whispers in a broken voice. "Please make it stop. I should never have turned on the wrong moon!"
"Calm down!" Cornelia says, voice firm. "How was she when you left her? Still alive?"
Peter nods.
"And in the end you didn't… do it? Right?" She insists carefully.
"I wanted to! It's just as bad!" Peter cries out. "I don't understand! This had never happened to me before."
"It's not typical vargulf behaviour either!" Cornelia says thoughtfully. "What happened before that?"
Peter blinks at her in surprise.
"What do you mean before?"
"I mean what, you were in an office, she walked in, and bam you felt a sudden urge to jump her?"
"No!" Peter chokes horrified by her bluntness. "No, she… touched my neck!"
"Oh! Ok! And that does it for you then?" Cornelia asks, biting.
"It's not that!" Peter protests in irritation.
Unconsciously, he reaches for the mark on his neck, which encourages Cornelia to look at it too. When she notices it she gasps in shock.
"You didn't!" She exclaims.
"What?" Peter asks innocently.
"You let him feed of you?!" Cornelia exclaims rising to her feet. "Are you insane?"
"There was no other way!" Peter tries to explain.
"Do you have any idea how close you came to being killed? For crying out loud kid! You might think he's your friend but above all he's upir and these creatures are extremely dangerous!"
"Roman's not like that! He's different!" Peter affirms and for some reasons he knows he's right.
Roman would never hurt him. Well… at least not too terribly. Peter just didn't see it happening…
"It must have hurt like hell!" Cornelia objects, looking sorry for him.
"It felt great!" Peter blurts out in objection before he has time to think.
Cornelia blink at him in stupor.
"What?"
Peter feels his cheek flush.
"It… wasn't painful!" he says.
"That's not what you said. You said it felt and I quote 'great'. Did it?"
"I… " Peter doesn't know what to say so he drops his gaze to the floor.
"This is important Peter!" Cornelia tells him, dead serious. "When Roman bit you… did it 'not hurt'? Or did it actually feel nice?"
Peter takes a deep breath; he thinks this really isn't that important compared to the terrible thing he almost did but he is about to reply anyway when Destiny barges back in the room.
"Peter Rumancek!" She yells, looking absolutely furious. "What the fuck were you thinking?!"
"I know… " Peter says sadly. "I'm a horrible person."
"You let Roman feed on you?!" Destiny continues, ignoring Peter's sombre declarations. "Are you suicidal? Do you have a death wish?"
"Wait how do you know that were you listening?" Peter asks.
"No you dumb fuck! He just called to check on you! He says to tell you the girl's fine and doesn't remember a thing by the way, whatever that means."
Peter lets out a breath he wasn't aware he had been holding. Knowing the nurse doesn't remember anything that's happen doesn't make him feel better about what he did but at least she isn't suffering and she won't live on with a trauma.
"How could you've been so foolish Peter?" Destiny cries out, pacing around the room furiously. "That's it!" She says pointing at Peter "You can't see him anymore!"
Peter's too tired to reply and frankly too tired to think or feel anything at the moment so he remains silent.
"I called Linda! You're going with her as soon as we have your papers sorted out! I don't care if all my savings have to go to make it happen!" Destiny declares determinedly.
Peter doesn't say a thing. A couple of days ago he would have protested violently at the prospects of leaving but now… He's uncertain. He wants to shut everything out, to stop being able to want and feel and just… rest. What if being reunited with his mother did help? He had never been a danger to anyone when she was still around, maybe her presence is just what he needed.
"Hold down!" He hears Cornelia say from somewhere. "I don't know if leaving is what's best for Peter…"
"Oh really? And what would that be best then?" Destiny argues.
Cornelia sighs.
"Coming to terms with what he needs. That's the only way to appease the wolf."
Peter, if he had been feeling better, would have probably wondered what she meant by that. But right now he was numb and liked it that way. No emotions, no pain, no regrets. That's what he needed. Kind of like when he'd lost Letha, he was shutting everything out.
"What he wants will get himself killed." Destiny replies, as if she, unlike Peter, knew exactly what Cornelia meant.
"Maybe…" Cornelia says, sounding surprisingly unsure of herself.
"Travelling is always good for us gypsies!" Andreas jumps in with his usual cheerful tone. "It's part of who we are. I doubt it would be bad for Peter to go discover a new place and be with his mother for a while."
"I guess you're right…" Cornelia replies, still sounding unconvinced.
She shrugs.
"It's up to you Peter. How do you feel about of all this?" She asks him, eying questioningly.
"I should go. To see Linda." He answers flatly, staring at his hands.
Cornelia makes a face that indicates she would very much like to shake him.
"Really? Are you sure?" She asks, in a dubious tone.
"He said he's going! There nothing else to add!" Destiny cuts in, annoyed.
"I'll call my people right away. They can have the papers ready by tomorrow!" declares Andreas, already dialing a number on his phone.
"Somebody should accompany him on the trip!" says Cornelia, who understands there's nothing else she can do. "He shouldn't be alone right now!"
"I'll do it!" Deidre declares. "I can sell my bike to pay for the ticket."
In the back of his mind, Peter thinks it's really generous of her and that this girl's probably almost as nice as Shelley, but as he is incapable of actually feeling anything right now he remains quiet.
"How about it Peter?" Deidre says, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It'll be like an adventure! A fresh start!"
Peter manages to give her a little smile.
"You don't have to!" He manages.
"I know that! But I always wanted an excuse to travel Europe!" She replies cheerfully.
"Peter should probably be sedated during the trip. Don't think the plane would survive having a wolf on board!" Cornelia whispers to Destiny loudly.
"I'll take care of it!" Destiny agrees.
At that moment a loud knock his heard from behind the front door so Destiny moves away to see who it is. Peter's facing away from the entrance so he can't see what's happening but the apartment is small and so he hears everything.
"Just what do you think you're doing here?!" Destiny is saying, furious. "Stay the hell away from him!"
"Peter!" Roman's voice calls onto to him, interrupting his cousin.
He turns around abruptly, unable to ignore Roman as he walks past Destiny to get closer to him.
"What happened? Are you ok?" Roman asks.
Unlike Peter, Roman looks better than he has in a while. His cheeks are blessed with a rare pink tint, giving him a healthier look than the one he usually presents. He moves fluidly, alert and free of the slow haze which usually seem to accompany him these days. If it wasn't for the distressed look he was sending Peter's way, Roman would actually seem in the best of shapes. Which is more than can be said of Peter who stares at him emptily.
"You should go!" Destiny says, trying to pull on Roman's arm.
He sends her a look like he thinks she's gone completely crazy.
"I'm not going anywhere until Peter says he's ok!" He states firmly.
"He's not OK you fucking leech! He just spent the afternoon playing snacks for you! How did you think he's doing?" Destiny spits, angrily.
Roman eyes go wide and he turns a shade whiter.
"Are you hurt?" he asks his friend, unsure what to do anymore.
For some miraculous reason, Peter is able to find enough mental strength to rise from his seat and say:
"I need to speak with Roman."
He grabs his friend by the arm and drags him toward the door.
"Peter! You really shouldn't…"
"It'll just be a minute!" Peter tells Destiny before stepping out with Roman on his heels.
He shuts the door behind them and they walk onto the streets silently. Luckily, it stopped raining.
"I'm so sorry!" Roman spills. "I tried no to hurt you, I really did! I promise, I will never bite you again! Never!" He insists, begging for Peter to believe him with a look when he says nothing.
Peter wants to hit him. He wants to shake him, to scream and yell out everything: ' Don't you get it? You didn't hurt me. I fucking loved it! It gets me off when you drink blood from me that's how utterly fucked up I am. I've reached a whole new level of fucked up! I'm in it so deep, I'm like a drowning ship!".
He wants to say all that to Roman but he doesn't. He doesn't have the strength, doesn't have the courage. He wants to kiss him and kill him with equal strength. He decides to stay neutral. Neutral is safe.
"I'm going to Romania! To see Linda!" he explains.
Roman looks surprised for a second but he hides it immediately behind an impassive expression.
"Oh!" He says. "OK." He looks like he's searching for his words. "When?" he asks finally, looking for Peter's gaze.
"Soon. As soon as possible!"
Roman nods, he's looking away now, anywhere but at Peter.
"I see." He says. "And… when will you be back?"
It's Peter's turn to look at the ground.
"I don't know. I haven't decided yet!"
Roman nods again, still looking away.
"But you'll come back? Right?" He asks, hopeful.
Peter can't do hopeful right now. He has not idea when or if he'll be back. He doesn't know what tomorrow will bring, all he knows is that he doesn't want to think about it right now.
"I don't know." He replies
A long silence settles between them. No one knows what to do or say and so they remain as still as they are silent, for a couple of minutes. Roman's the one who dares speak first.
"So this is goodbye then?"
"I guess so." Peter confirms.
They look at each other for a while. Peter's impassive on the outside, but on the inside his numbness is gone. He feels distressed and yet furious at the same time; at himself, at Roman, at the entire world. He turns away from him and starts walking back inside, unable to face him anymore.
"Peter!"
Roman climbs after him and reaches out, holding onto his sleeve. He looks up at Peter from two steps bellow, and Peter thinks back to the day he had asked him for money and Roman had refused him. It's like now the roles are reversed and Roman's the one asking for something.
"Don't go!" He says, desperately. His voice is shaking and Peter thinks he's never heard Roman sound like that. " I promise… I fucking swear on anything you want I'll never bite you again! But please. Stay!"
Peter stares at him and doesn't say anything so Roman adds, in a terribly low voice, so low that he almost doesn't hear him:
"I need you!"
These three, simple words awake something incredibly strong within Peter, something that is painful and that he's not sure he's ever felt before. It scares him shitless and so he acts before he can think:
"Fuck you!" he says pushing Roman away.
His friend stares at him in dismay.
"I don't need this right now Roman! Fuck!" Peter yells, furious. " I can't have you depending on me all the time do you get that? I have my own shit to take care of! For fuck's sake! I almost… I almost raped someone today!" he adds in a broken voice.
Roman takes a step back away from him. He looks hurt and it breaks Peter's heart and he feels like he is seconds away from crying.
The truth is, he knows if he stays, just as Roman asks, he won't ever be able to leave again. And Peter doesn't know if he's ready for that; or if it's right thing to do. All he knows is that he doesn't want to hurt people anymore and he thinks, or hopes, that maybe getting away from Hemlock Grove is the best thing to unsure it. He at least has to tries, he owes himself that, he owes all the people who worry about him that. And he's so fucking angry that Roman can't see how hard it is for him to walk away.
"Then go. But don't come back."
Roman says it calmly, resolved, like he doesn't care that his words feel like a knife twitching inside of Peter's guts without mercy.
"I don't want to see your fucking face ever again."
It's the last thing Roman says to him before disappearing in the night. Two days later, Peter is on a flight to Romania.
End of Part. 4
Arg. So much drama. I don't know what happened, words just sort of flew out of my brain and I couldn't stop. Obviously this STILL isn't the last chapter… HELP I can't stop! Don't think the next chapter's gonna be the last one either (please don't hate me), I think there's at least two left to come. (yay?)
I hope the guys were still in character despite all the drama… and I hope you enjoyed this. I'm so mean to them but things will get better I promise! Hopefully… unless my brain decides otherwise. Shut up brain!
I would love to hear your thoughts if you have the time! Thanks for reading so far.