Chapter 4

Rocking

Sakura POV

I never thought that it was possible to hate and love at the same time and with the same intensity. The grudge I feel tearing my heart apart is so strong and undeniable that I can barely breathe peacefully at night. After what had happened in the forest with him that night it took me several days and space to settle my mind and soul. I was so grateful to Ino for being there when I had needed her. I was surprised and sad of thinking how much I had missed her since our friendship ended because we fancied the same boy. The boy that now is my cross and touch of heaven and hell in one.

Eventually I let my mother and father approached me when I was stronger and bitter. I wasn't angry at them or anyone else besides him. Not even with Naruto, the one who shared a useless hope with me before. A hope that was shattered by the cold voice of the man that I have become to hate like I never thought I would. Naruto felt very guilty about it and I had to calm him feeling terrible for his suffering. I didn't tell anyone what had happened exactly that day. I didn't tell anyone that I had sex with him again; we didn't make love like I had thought. He was very certain about it and I realized that was the truth. I didn't tell them all he said about me and the baby.

Every time I heard that words running through my head my anger and frustration boiled inside of me ripping my already broken heart. I was angry at myself for being stupid and feeling this way. I knew what I was going into. I knew it perfectly. I can't lie to myself. Even with the little light Naruto and Shikamaru had brought to my soul that day with their words. I knew how all this was going to end even if I didn't want to see it in time. I was guilty for trying to believe and blind myself against all the proofs I had. That's what I was angry at myself.

I heard my heart and not my head and I was paying the consequences with hurting and suffering. I felt frustrated because I never had his love even after trying and trying hard. I thought after everything that happened six months ago I was near enough of his heart to melt his coldness and get a little piece of it. I thought I could have made him love me. And now I was frustrated with something I never had in the first place. I have done everything I could to show him that there wasn't anyone in this world who could love him more like me. And I had failed.

It was stupid to be angry with him for this. It wasn't anyone's fault that he never loved me. But still I was hurt and angry and frustrated and sad and bitter. I was angrier at him for denying his relationship with our baby. That was the thing that pained me more. How could he? This baby was innocent. And if he didn't want it then I swore to myself to never let him near us ever again.

He had left us. So he would never have us. Even if he returned in his knees asking forgiveness. I couldn't forgive him for his last words. They had hurt me so much that I still cry and shout when I remember him saying them. I tore apart his message with all the force I was able to reunite in my bare hands while I cried and screamed feeling used and idiot.

Everyone guessed that something very bad had happened that night. I only told them the bare and important truth in all: he didn't want to have anything with me or our baby. And that was all. I decided to end this endless waiting for something that it will never come and I let the grudge grow and I buried my love. Maybe one fine day I would be able to love someone else as strongly and sincerely like I had loved that boy.

I wanted to believe in it even knowing I was lying. But at least I could try to live my life away from him and his memories. I needed to hate him if I wanted to go on living with a shattered heart, a battered soul and a useless mind. I needed the hate if I wanted to see him really, if I wanted to see who he actually was. And so I started to hate him or at least try to. And the trying was good enough to keep my heart silent at day and night.

It wasn't difficult to put gasoline to the hate. When the time passed and my belly grew with the joy that comforted me against everything, we all heard rumors about what he was doing in other places. His dark path was destroying his life and he didn't care. I swore to myself that I didn't care anymore and I force myself to believe it strongly.

I noticed how everyone near me didn't like to talk about him when I was with them. I appreciated their effort but I didn't care anymore or more precisely, I thought in my baby instead. When the rumors were there. When he was a menace in my mind trying to enter it again. I thought in the little human being inside my body growing and giving me happiness. I kept myself busy arranging everything for the baby. The room, the clothes, the toys. The cradle. I was delighted and that saved me from the inner madness hiding behind a closed door with his name on.

When I reached the sixth month I practically had shunned him from my thoughts and feelings and focused in my learning and my baby. I didn't want to know if it was going to be a girl or a boy. I wanted it to be a surprise even when Tsunade-Sensei knew already. I was grateful to my parents and friends for not asking anything more about that night. They shared my bliss and help me with everything making me happy and hopeful. The bitterness and frustration were dying and I felt secure and protected even knowing he was still in the world. But that was all.

I only feared what could happen if he showed up again in my life. How would I react?

Sakura POV

My hate for him got the best of me the terrible day I went into labor. I had seven months.

That day still haunts me in my solitude. He appeared in the forest near the gates of Konoha just wanting to fight. It was such a scandal and I was signalized for my relationship with him. I was able to see him from far away and my world was so damn shaken that I almost fainted by the intense emotion and it affected not only my heart and soul.

I didn't want to see him by the way. I was just there when he showed up fighting Kakashi-Sensei and Naruto. Ino, Hinata and Tenten were so freaked out when they saw me in that state of fury and confusion. I just wanted to him to leave, to go and leave us alone! I just wanted to him to go straight to hell from where he had come. And in my inner self I was wrongly glad of seeing him again. I remember myself trembling in despair and agony. But I needed the hate and the anger. I needed them to not feel the sadness and love.

I remember myself crying violently and uncontrollably and murmuring things to him. I didn't want him to hurt me again with his mere presence. And ironically my heart ached when he was hurt by my two friends. Suddenly I felt the physical pain owning my pregnant body and I went into labor without a warning. My water broke and the contractions were so intense and blinding that made me scream overwhelmed by the suffering. I had heard about it from my mother from early chats about this moment. She honestly told me all about her own experience and even when I was a medical ninja I knew that my experience was going to be quite different.

But I was so scared and hurting and with the pain clenching my young body and screaming and crying and I almost forgot to stay calm and controlled. Lucky me I had my friends there. They took me to the hospital immediately and called my parents. I heard in all my mess of pain and tears that he was gone finally and a warm peace embraced me and calmed me better than the medicines or my own parents. Now with my mind in control I focused in giving birth to my baby.

Tsunade herself attended me worried for the sudden birth. I had let the grudge to take over me and I was paying the consequences again in his behalf. I remember my father and my friends very worried and freaked out in the waiting room while Kakashi-Sensei and Naruto recovered from the battle in their own rooms. With my mother at my side and Tsunade giving me courage I screamed and cried while I was bringing my little baby to the world. It was harder and more difficult because I had missed the last two months and I wasn't prepared to it.

My soul was so filled with all that happened since his third arrival on my life and the sudden effect in my pregnancy that I didn't pay a lot of attention in what was happening around me and pushed and pushed trembling in fear. My eyes were foggy and crystal and I just followed the instructions praying to everything to end well. Tsunade was so serious and alarmed and my mother too. I knew something was going wrong. I saw blood. A lot of blood.

And I remember myself being torn by the pain even with the medicine and blaming him in my crying and screaming. Later I was able to remember that afternoon when I was lying in my bed recovering from the difficult birth and I could recall some things I had said. "I hate you, I hate you for hurting me still!". "I won't let you near us never again!". "Go straight to hell and don't come back!". "If something happens to my baby because of you I swear I will haunt you down and destroy you!." Some sort of things like that. Was physical pain fuel to my crushed heart?

The fear I felt for the possibility of losing my baby was high and terrifying. I cried praying to heaven to have it with me. It didn't matter what could have happen to me if my baby survived healthy. I prayed to let my baby to be born healthy. The labor and the birth were faster than they usually are with the first baby and still it felt like eternity until I felt its tiny body going out from my own and quietly crying in Tsunade's arms. My mother cried happily and with relief and the fifth Hokage finally said it making me smile wide and happier than ever. She softly smiled at me.

"It's a baby girl."

A girl. I cried. I had a daughter. But I knew that being born before the correct time it wasn't good and I didn't felt uneasy when the Hokage gave her to another person and said instructions to attend my daughter. Feeling dizzy and extremely exhausted I let myself relax and close my eyes drifting to the dreamworld.

Later that night I woke up in my room in the hospital feeling the remains of the pain in my sedated body and my mother and father were there with me. They smiled when they saw me awake and I refilled my spirit with their hugs and kisses and words. I was so scared when my little girl was being born. So damn scared. But the worse thing was knowing from my concerned parents that my little girl was fighting for her life.

The sudden birth was traumatic to her and I cried like mad blaming myself for surrendering to the effect of his presence near us. They calmed me and told me that she was stable but delicate. But she was being treated and if she could get better for tomorrow she would be alright. That night was the most horrible night I had had. I begged to Tsunade to let me visit my daughter even in a wheelchair and she gave me permission moved by my suffering. I had to stay looking through a glass at my little girl.

She was tiny and beautiful. She had dark hair and dark eyes. She looked exactly like him. Ironically I found myself contemplating the being who resembled his father with adoring, worried and loving eyes. How can I love her beyond understanding when I have started to hate his father and they look alike so much?

My parents accompanied me all night saying everything will be fine and giving me hope and courage. I decided to not let myself fall in despair as I got stronger and collected my thoughts and feelings and put all my support and caring in my little girl. I didn't cry anymore even with my eyes puffy and full of tears and I waited all that hours with mom and dad at my side till the morning came, praying, looking at her tiny hands and feet.

I smiled at her telling in my silence that I loved her since I knew of her inside of me and that I would not let anyone hurt her or take her away from me. When the sun was filling the room I sighed tiredly and grateful at Tsunade who entered the room where my daughter was and checked on her and then looked at us and smiled nodding with relief. I laughed and cried happily and relaxed knowing my little girl will be fine.

In the following days I was visited by all my friends and important people I knew. Kakashi-Sensei and Naruto were there almost healed and smiling happily for me. They didn't tell me all that happened between the two of them and him. I found myself filled with the bliss of having my daughter finally with me days later when she was strong enough and healthy to be in my arms and with all the people who already loved and cared for her. Everyone held her and smiled at her congratulating me. I had no laughed so much since months ago.

"What is her name?"

Tenten asked one afternoon while I was rocking her in my arms. I thought in silence before giving her the answer. My mother just looked up to me smiling gladly while she was putting some daisies in a jar that Naruto had brought to me.

"Miyu. I will call her Miyu Haruno."

And I kissed her in her tiny forehead marveled by the deep and beautiful look in his open and big and black eyes. His eyes. But sadly after all it was his daughter too.

"That's a beautiful name Sakura!"

And I just nodded at Kiba rocking my little girl dressed in pink and white.