Chapter 8

Deciding

Sakura POV

The next morning I woke up with the decision of going to the hospital to see how he was. I had spent the last afternoon still shaken and crying remembering him going through that window because of me. Ino, Hinata and Naruto tried to calm me and accompanied me till I was strong enough again to stop crying and think clearly about the situation.

The truth was that I didn't think he would come back and less so sooner. Did I want him to come back? Mostly I didn't. For all the reasons I had justified myself while I was fighting him back and sitting in that bed consternated at his fall. But a little part of me did want to see him again and I cannot lie to myself.

But like I said, I had came to a decision since all of this began, since I slept with him the first time and he declared his true feelings and thoughts about me and my daughter. I had promised myself that I would not let him come near me and Miyu and much less I would not let him torment me anymore with his behavior. I would not let him hurt me anymore and make me believe in something that it will never be true.

He had hurt me deeply and had shaken so badly my love that I had become to grow a grudge and a hate, maybe fragile but still hate, inside my heart and soul. I was trying to build up my life and my little girl's life and he had no right in showing up just like that to disturb us. He had renounced to his rights over Miyu since he said she wasn't his. And I had sworn to myself to not forget that.

I was angry at him for disturbing my plans and the peaceful and happy life I wanted to start. Why he didn't show up sooner when I had needed him the most? When I had to tell everyone that I was pregnant with his child. When I almost died in childbirth. When Miyu fought so hard to stay alive. In fact he had complicated all that with his mere and unexpected presence. I felt sad; yes and probably I will always felt sad when I think in him. And yes I will probably love him till I die. But I was trying to move on and go on and I wouldn't let him to paralyze me in my attempt, much less now that I have Miyu as my principal reason and motive to look for a good and calm future.

I still felt miserable and confused, sad and angry, shocked and ashamed of what I did to him. I didn't want him hurt or dead and that was the truth. I just wanted him away from me and from my baby girl and not meddling with us appearing and disappearing when he wanted.

I love him and nothing will change that.

But I cannot let this incommensurable and hurtful love to win over me now with everything that had happened and the big change and beautiful path I have before me. So after all night thinking lying in bed with Miyu sleeping peacefully, I calmed down and think clearly and with a cold head in everything.

I was still terrified and scared at the unknown future ahead of me but I was going to be strong and confront it. I had people who would be there for me to help and I was so grateful for that. I felt so grateful to them. I wasn't alone. Not even without my parents' support. But still it made me cry a little and got sad all that had happened concerning him. I had liked the things to turn out better. But that wasn't the reality and I have to accept it to free myself from his grasp.

I knew I would confront him again if it was necessary especially if it was related to Miyu. I would not let him see her again and closely. He didn't want her in the first place. I would not be or try to be interested in his matters and his life anymore, even being secretly and worried for his well-being.

I had to move on for my own mental health. For my little baby. I will not plea again at him. I just wanted to believe he wasn't there even being there in Konoha and I didn't want to see him again. I didn't want to end up crushed at his presence, hoping, believing, and waiting. I didn't want pain and suffering anymore.

When early in the morning Ino explained me how his condition was I felt crushed with shocking concern and terrible pain. They didn't want to tell me the day before because I was still so shocked at the incident and meeting him again after months. But now with our heads rested and clear my blond friend explained to me about his health and situation at the hospital.

I cried even without my permission when I heard.

I would not cry again for him. That's what I told myself earlier this morning.

But what Ino said made my eyes to fill with sincere, loving and worried tears. I tried to stay calm and collected, listening at her and her medical explanation. I was a medical ninja too so I understand perfectly and quickly. But that didn't stop my helpless crying and my worrying.

My heart was broken, if it had still some big pieces to break anyway, and I cried thinking in her words and picturing him lying in that bed. I didn't want that for him. Not even after what he had done to me, after all the pain and suffering and ambivalent feelings and thoughts he brought out of me. I didn't want him to end like that. Just away from me.

I cried openly and honestly burning in pain and desolation but deep inside I felt somehow angry and I didn't understand it at first. My decision hadn't changed even knowing about his strange condition and I will go on with it even with my soul crying silently for him. I told myself that this hadn't changed at all anything I had decided and felt. I felt despair and extreme sadness hearing the news and I let my body to tremble with my sorrow and tears and I wished, really wished from the bottom of my heart, for his recuperation. But that was all, I told myself.

And I kept thinking why I felt anger and why I didn't change my decision. I wondered why I didn't get up and run to the hospital at his side crying and worrying and feeling the oppression that was inside my chest making my breathing uneven and hard. Why? I still love him beyond anything, with all my being and I wished to be at his side taking care of him and just loving him and I felt like I couldn't breathe or think for long minutes. But I was angry and I didn't feel or believe that his condition, his sickness, was going to change anything concerning us.

I finally had my answer when I entered at his white room a couple of hours later.

I had accepted his returning and presence in Konoha after all the events yesterday. I had time to come to my senses and chose my life without a man who wasn't there since the beginning and would never be. I had passed the overwhelming turmoil of emotions after meeting him again at the hospital. I was stronger than before. I had my life in clear. So I decided to go and see him and put everything clear between the two. Even if he couldn't understand me in everything or he couldn't say a single word. I needed it. I needed him to listen to me. I needed to apologize for pushing and hurting him badly enough to put him unconscious for a while. I needed to tell him how much he had hurt me and I had needed him and he had left me alone. He had abandoned his daughter.

I left Miyu with Ino and went to the hospital with Hinata. Ino called her to go with me and I thought that maybe all of them were worried enough to think that I could try to hurt or kill him with a pillow. I laughed sadly at my joke and sense of humor at the moment. I was before the "bad girl" and now I was an "assassin". I laughed to myself feeling broken and with and empty hole inside my chest sucking my life and force.

When I finally entered at his room Tsunade was there checking him up. I stayed at the door with Hinata at my side in silence seeing him longingly and sadly, stunned at his state and hardly breathing and slightly trembling affected to the core. Tears filled my eyes but I controlled myself. I understood his strange behavior yesterday when I was screaming at him to go away. Tsunade looked at us and smiling softly left the room leaving me in that silent and white room with an understanding friend sharing with me that moment.

I walked slowly to him and got mesmerized by all the details I remember of him like I knew him just like I knew me. Memories of our moments together making love filled my head and heart and made me to breathe deeper and be crushed with immense pain and overwhelming sorrow. I blinked several times trying to erase my tears. I got closer and looked contemplative and lovingly at his presence lying quietly and still there. And when I saw that he was watching me back, with his cold eyes and indifferent face, I knew it.

I knew what the answer of my questions was.

Gazing at him in silence, confronting his empty and distant glare but at the same time his deep and intense look focused in me I knew it.

And I felt the anger again. And I understand myself that early morning when Ino was talking to me. And I knew that nothing will ever change between him and me, nothing in him. Because even in his state, in that sad condition, in that weird illness, I could still understand him and find the answers in his eyes. My decision hadn't changed at all. Not even seeing him like that. It didn't matter if he was like this. If he had changed what I want him to change in himself it wouldn't had mattered his condition to me. But that was not the case. I still don't have what I wanted from him. I'm not still enough to him to erase his despair and hate and darkness. I will never be his hope or cure.

That was why I was sure about what I was going to say to him. And so I started to talk calmly and collected, with my green eyes on him refilling my memories of him, hoping to be the last time to see him with this feeling making me feel so alive.

"I want you to know that this is the last time I would do this. First at all I want to apologize for hurting you so badly yesterday. I was very surprised and hurt for your sudden appearance. I was scared of you. I thought you had came to take Miyu away from me. By the way, that's her name. My daughter's name."

I paused looking directly at him with my crystal eyes serious and honest. Could he see the suffering and pain behind my stare? Could he see my grudge and hate trying to eclipse my love for him in my decided expression?

"I was so angry at you for what happened. For what you said that night. I had other problems to deal too and everything got the best of me and then you were there. I meant all I said to you. I can keep saying it to you now. But I apologize for turning violent. It was never my intention to hurt you seriously. I just wanted you to go away from me. I didn't want you near me or my little girl. I'm sorry for pushing you through that window."

I made another pause expecting a change in his face. But he was still fixed at me with his dark eyes glazing and for a moment I could feel that I was talking with the Sasuke I had known before.

"Like I said first, this is the last time I would do this. I'm sorry for what happened to you. You know very well my feelings for you. You know how much I…"

I paused clearing my throat at my sudden intent of sobbing. I blinked and felt tears running through my face. I wanted to hold him and tell him everything was going to be fine. I wanted to cry in his arms and forget everything. But I couldn't. My suffering was too immense and deep.

"You know. I showed it to you in so many ways and it was useless. But not anymore. Not anymore Sasuke. I'm not alone now and I cannot think just in myself. I cannot go on in this endless play we had been playing, running in circles. I cannot anymore. I tried to help you and made you see how much I cared and how much I loved you. I made love with you because I wanted it, because I loved you. Maybe it wasn't the correct thing to do but that's the past and what I have now from that is the reason of my life and my hope of a better future and a peaceful life. Thank you for her. I'm grateful to you for her."

I was openly crying calmly now. A small smile had popped up in my face when I talked about Miyu.

"You gave me the best gift I could have. For that I'm grateful. She will give me in another way what you cannot and will never give me. What I never got from you. But I'm tired about all this Sasuke. I'm tired of hoping and expect something that I know very well I would never receive. I cannot still be waiting for you and believing in something that doesn't exist. I cannot keep loving you because it hurts me a lot!"

I started crying desperately but controlled myself again in seconds and continued talking at him, who just was still staring distant and cold.

"I cannot… I cannot hope and wait anymore for you. Loving you is tearing me from inside and it's killing me… I have accepted the reality, I have accepted the truth. I will never have your love and I will never have you. I can't be just an "arrange" to you when you want or a "release or fun". Loving you doesn't make me your tool or toy. I let you to see me like that and that's my fault. But now it has ended. I cannot live with you fearing every damn day that you would leave me and her without an explanation or goodbye. I can't live with the fear of the darkness that lives still within you without having the weapons to help you and your disposition to let me do it. It's not fair. We don't deserve that. I can't be the woman who would stay just waiting for you to come back one day. I can't be the one who would give all the love and the care and the heart in the relationship. I cannot do it anymore. I can't lie more to myself dreaming with you and your love. I thought that my love would be enough for the both of us; I thought you would eventually see me as a woman and you would start to love me even little by little. If I had a clue I could still wait for you but I had accepted you would never felt something like that for me and probably for anyone else. And I know very well that you will go again and again."

I dried my tears with the back of my right hand still staring seriously at him.

"It's too much suffering and pain and I'm sick and tired of it. I have reached my limits. And what it worst is that I'm so angry and I'm hating you for what you did or more precisely, you didn't do about her. I cannot forget what you said that night and every time I remember it I felt the fury consuming me. I don't want to live so buried in my grudge! I can't forget you didn't want anything with Miyu. Even if you didn't love me she was yours and you didn't care. I cannot forget that! I can't forget you weren't there when she was growing inside of me and I cannot forget how I missed you and wanted you to be with me when I was alone confronting everything! Yes! It was my fault too but I needed you there with me and you left me! You went away just like that! I wanted you to be there when I felt her first kick! I needed you when I was in labor and almost die! Instead of help and support your presence affected me so much that I went into labor two months before the right time! Miyu could have die because of it! And yes it's my fault too but I needed you!"

I furrowed my brow crying calmly and infuriated at him.

"I wanted you there! I wasn't even thinking in having you as a husband or boyfriend! Just there! I wanted you to help to choose her name! But you decided to not be her father and it's alright to me then. She's my daughter and no one else's. You didn't want anything with her since her conception and then you won't have anything with her ever. I don't want to raise a girl that would suffer the same as me, waiting for his dad. Every time I see her I remember what you thought about her when I told you I was pregnant and I cannot forget that. I won't let you see her or meet her. I'll see how I will handle her future. But for now I forbid you to come closer to her. I won't let you take her or harm her. Are you listening Sasuke?"

He seemed to be listening even in his silence and stillness. I was so exhausted and shaken letting my feelings and thoughts out that I could almost felt like I was near a collapse.

"You don't have the right to come back here whenever you like and disturb my life. Stop it now. Do you know what I'm angry at you now? Because you returned like this. I know it's not your fault. But I felt angry knowing that you have returned to Konoha and to me only because you are like this. Only when you felt the necessity, when you felt lonely or hurt. It's not fair Sasuke. You break me looking like this but I won't go back in my decision. I'm not anymore in your list of places to go when everything sucks. From the bottom of my heart I wish your recovery. I wish you to heal. I know Tsunade will help you and I wish you to finally understand that this is your home after all and that you have friends and people who care about you and don't make the mistake you had done with me and Miyu. I love you. But sometimes love isn't enough and this is one of that times. I want you away from me because it's hurting me loving you. Please don't look for me even if we are in the same village. Pretend I don't exist; pretend we didn't have a child. That was what you were doing till now. I'm not asking anything of you now. I won't chase you trying to make you to act as a father. I thought you would be a good dad because you knew and treasured family above all. I guess I was mistaken. I hope I'm not. But I can't wait for you. I won't bother you anymore and I won't try to meddle in your life. I don't want to really hate you more that I'm doing it now. Please stop hurting me. I free you from my annoying presence. Free me from your cold existence."

I sobbed calmer and with tears running through my already wet cheeks. I got closer to the bed and bowed my head till my lips touched his bandaged forehead making me felt guilty with a sweet kiss and I closed my eyes for a minute. For seconds I thought I saw him moving his right hand. Later I kissed his lips softly and lovingly remembering the passion and surrendering we had shared in that two times together.

"I wish you to get better. But if you try to look and get near Miyu I will attack you again. Just remember you gave me that right. I don't know, in fact no one knows what your true intentions are. I don't know if you are an enemy, a traitor. I don't know anything and I can only mistrust you even if it's breaking my heart. Don't scare me please. And stay away from me. I'm begging you."

I half smiled sadly and let my fingers to caress his hair and face for minutes until I turned my back on him, like he had done many times before at me, and before going out the room with a silent and sobbing Hinata at my side, I turned my gaze at him and smiling sincerely and broken I said my last words to him, at least expecting them to be in a long time.

"Goodbye, Sasuke-Kun."

I went later on my plans. I didn't let myself to think in what I had done and kept myself busy all day planning my new life. I found a new home in a small department near Ino's house with a cheap rent. I got a job in a clinic smaller than the hospital and I started a life where I didn't picture the boy I had left behind. I knew that even with my firm intention of not seeing him again I will do it at least from far if he stayed in Konoha. That was fine with me.

Because even believing and wanting my new path and accepting all I had said to him I still needed for a while knowing he was there somehow. Not for me but just there, existing. I knew many could think badly of me to leave him finally in his sickness but I couldn't go on living with him just because of that. He wasn't alone. And after all I never meant anything special to him so he was going to be fine and I hoped to be like that.

I love him. I will always do. But sometimes love isn't enough and more precisely if it is a one-sided love. I had understood that at the end with a lot of suffering, tears and pain.