Chapter 9

Bleeding

Hinata POV

Tsunade did start a treatment trying to heal Sasuke and understand more of his condition. He stayed in the hospital a week after Sakura's visit. I told the others generally what had happened that day and we decided to stop talking about him when we were with her. She needed time, space and freedom and was busy building up her life alone. We thought Sasuke needed it too.

Naruto-Kun was so sad when I explained the situation. We never thought that Sakura would retire so soon. But like she had said she had reached her limits and was very hurt now. She avoided her visits to the main hospital and we follow her lead in not saying a word about Sasuke around her. Not matter how urgent or hard was. But I agreed with Naruto-Kun in keeping contact and being there for him. He was so lonely in his inner world. And I knew somehow that Sakura's speech had touched him deeply even without an evident clue or expression from him.

After all for Naruto-Kun he was like a brother, he was his friend against all odds. Maybe the others could say or decide something else but he couldn't do it. He had said that if he left him alone, what was going to be of him? Sasuke was his friend like Sakura was. And Sakura had given his understanding that day saying to Sasuke to value the persons that cared for him. And I, who was in love with Naruto-Kun as Sakura was with Sasuke since little, accepted to be there for the both of them. The others agreed to keep his caring with the broken couple. The two were friends too of all of us. We were sad with all that had happened with the both and we felt glad of having him again in Konoha with us.

The political situation of Sasuke was handled by Tsunade-Sensei and Kakashi-Sensei. The two declared responsible for him and his staying in Konoha without any kind of trial. I don't know exactly all of that. I just knew like Naruto-Kun and my other ninja friends that they won't judge him or punish him in his actual condition. I think they feared something related with his clan.

The effect Sakura and her speech had on Sasuke was slightly notorious. Because he couldn't show any sort of expression or emotion now it was difficult to see it. Sasuke never was a person who showed easily his feelings anyway. But I was there when it happened and I noticed. He barely ate that week. Sometimes when Naruto left the room looking for food and drinks for us I saw a spark of intense emotion but I couldn't figure out what emotion was. I started to notice that he blinked more in certain occasions even when we couldn't find out what caused that slight change in him. He barely blinked almost all the time and kept his gazing distant and still like his own body.

I talked with Naruto-Kun, the Hokage and Kakashi-Sensei about it. At least that was some kind of communication with him. His conditions didn't changed a lot or improved even with the wise Hokage's methods. Finally she said that she had discovered that everything was working slowly in his system and they would have to wait to see results. But I knew like her that Sasuke wasn't going to be completely healed. He was too damaged by the strange sickness to heal properly and Ino and I discussed one time this with Shikamaru. And the worst part was that he was damaged emotionally too and that was more difficult to handle and cure. Tsunade couldn't still figure out what was happening inside his head. But she accepted to let him out of the hospital and start a life in Konoha giving him space and time to process his treatment.

Kakashi-Sensei took him to his new home. We all helped to clean and left the space prepared. Something strange was that Sasuke seemed capable of taking care of himself like always. Naruto-Kun only had to put on a list reminding him to do his habitual activities. Because you know, if he didn't remember it probably he would not eat or sleep. Sasuke always appreciated his solitude and space and we tried to give him that after discussing the benefits of letting him by himself. Kakashi-Sensei always made time to go to see him when he wasn't busy with training and missions and we all took turns and did it too.

Sasuke in fact were always still and distant like he was in the hospital's room. But somehow we got the feeling that he was aware even slightly of his surrounding but he simply didn't show interest in it. Sometimes he watched us when we were talking with him or among us but his look was disinterested and tired. When he was alone we had seen and caught him just staring into space thoughtful. He even became a clone of Shikamaru imitating him simply at looking the sky and the floating clouds. But he seemed to prefer the night and the moon and stars. He just could stay all day and night observing around with coldness if we let him do it. The most mysterious thing was the fact that he didn't talk ever. Tsunade said that it wasn't any physical problem in him causing his persistent silence. She believed his mute state was more psychological than mental or physical and soon we decided to leave him in his silence the time he needed it. But Naruto and we too sometimes lost our patience without knowing really why he had gone speechless suddenly and we were concerned at this. Deeply concerned.

And for some days he seemed fine even being like that and going with the flow of the life. Even in his distance and silence, in his stillness. Until one day something horrible happened and we received our first warning about his real state of mind and health.

It has passed two months since Sasuke left the hospital and Sakura disappeared from his life even living in the same village. Rumors were in full mood and we all dismissed them caring for our two friends. Naruto-Kun that day said happy and sadly at the same time that Miyu was six months old. Ino, Shikamaru, Naruto-Kun and I decided to bring dinner to Sasuke's small house like other times Shino, Chouji and Kiba had done, or Tenten, Lee and Neji too. I remember that afternoon and I still could feel it like yesterday. I know Naruto-Kun still saddens at it.

Hinata POV

Naruto-Kun opened the door with a copy of the key from Sasuke's house (in fact it was more like an apartment near Naruto's one). We all we're talking and joking while Shikamaru and Ino brought in plastic bags the dinner consisting in ramen and chicken. We were laughing when we entered and saw that the lights were out.

"Sasuke we're here! It's dinner time! We brought delicious and hot ramen!"

Shikamaru and Ino put the bags with food on the table and started to prepare everything. I opened the fridge's door looking for ice. Naruto lighted up the kitchen and the living room but we didn't hear Sasuke or see him. Still we didn't panic. He used to take more time to do things and acted slower than any of us or any person. Naruto finally got tired of waiting for him and laughing went looking for him at his room. Minutes later the three of us heard him screaming.

Naruto POV

I was happy that day. Miyu had six months already and was getting prettier and smarter and bigger. I had visited her and Sakura-Chan at noon. She said she wanted to ask me and Ino to be her godparents. She was smiling and seemed pretty fine but somehow I knew she was pretending.

It was strange that Sasuke knew exactly when Miyu had another month old. I noticed like Hinata that morning when we visited him and saw him more distant and thoughtful than usual. We discovered before because when his baby reached five months and Chouji without intention said it in front of him, Sasuke had slightly flinched and lowered his head with a strange spark in his tired eyes. Hinata and I saw the same that morning again. We still couldn't understand if he really didn't care a bit about her and Sakura or if he was pretending for some unknown reason. I hope for the last.

Sometimes we saw that he did care or thought we saw it when without noticing one of us mentioned her name with a happy voice. Other times he was like a statue of ice and he didn't put attention not even to us and he was just glazing seriously and almost sulking for seconds at our company. The worst times was when the sulking and brooding was so deep in his still face and he was intentionally glaring at us like if we were some kind of experiment that he couldn't understand. But those little times were nothing compared to his almost catatonic state. That's why I learned to appreciate those fewer moments with all.

I called his name over and over growing impatient. I was hungry. When I reached his room and entered I saw only darkness. I lighted up the lamps sighing tiredly.

"Why do you like the darkness so much Sasuke? Ahh..."

And in that moment I knew something was wrong. I can smell the metallic smell in the air. A known smell. And when I turned at the bed I saw him sitting on the floor with the back at me and the door, looking at the closet in front of him. I saw first the red liquid in the floor and then the knife beside his right arm.

And his right arm like the left one had big and deep cuts in their forearms and wrists and he was still bleeding so much and was just sitting there without moving with his eyes blinking more than usual. I run to him screaming (I cannot remember what I screamed) and knelt in front of him trying to gain his distant attention at me shaking him by his stiff shoulders.

"SASUKE!! WHAT DID YOU DO??"

I felt like crying from the impact. He just stared confusedly at me paler than usual. I cried in fact. I just remembered how much I had tried to bring my friend, my brother back and now I almost could loose him again. That hurt me a lot and stroke me like a thunder. I held him strongly sobbing and rubbing his back and he didn't deny me or tried to hug me back. It didn't matter to me. I took his right arm and examined it but I didn't know a lot of medicine and just tore my jacket and try to control the deep and big cuts and the blood flowing.

Ino POV

We saw Naruto holding Sasuke paralyzed at the door. We understood immediately what had happened. He then try to stop the bleeding but I, being a medical ninja or trying to be, reacted first than Shikamaru or Hinata and went to their side taking control of the situation quickly. I did the same that Naruto had done with his other hurt arm and try to figure out how much he had been like that. How much blood he had lost already?

The blood was in a pool around him. It was in his clothes and Naruto's. I calmed myself and ordered Naruto and Shikamaru to stand him up. We needed to take him to the hospital right away. When you knew about medicine is easier when you're treating a stranger than a known person and this wasn't the case. The two obeyed me quickly and we left the apartment with a conscious and very freakily calm Sasuke.

There in the hospital Tsunade-Sensei attended him immediately with my help. It was creepier to see that he didn't show any kind of pain from his bleeding cuts and he never lost consciousness. He just stayed looking at the room and a point away from us totally still and stoic. He barely blinked.

When he was resting and Tsunade-Sensei declared to let him stay all night in observation I could finally breathe. He started to fall sleep after receiving medicine and the four of us stayed in the waiting room still shocked by the success. He wasn't in deep danger and he would recover. But I had my mind fixed at that room and the blood in the floor. We were ninjas and we got hurt a lot of times. Ones worst than others. But this was different to all of us.

Shikamaru POV

I knew Sasuke didn't want to kill himself in fact.

I knew it when Kakashi discussed it with Tsunade and us after they left him sleeping peacefully in his room. Ironically it was the same room he had been before. When I knew this fact it bothered me.

How troublesome.

It made me think. Sasuke was an amazing ninja and knew exactly how to kill someone and therefore kill himself if it was needed. The way he had hurt himself wasn't directed to end his life. Sure he had cut very badly and deeply his arms and wrists but he knew that wouldn't kill him particularly, not even at the loss of blood. I thought that if he in fact wanted to commit suicide he would do it with an act that could end his existence quickly. Everyone could think that he was trying to gain attention but that wasn't the case either. He was Sasuke Uchiha after all. So when I heard Tsunade and Kakashi talking about it I understand finally my hunch.

"The cuts had forms? They weren't just cuts?"

Tsunade nodded seriously at the shocked Naruto. I had my mind analyzing this fact.

"Yes. They are very unspecific in fact. He couldn't give them a particular form that we could understand. But we are pretty sure that they were some kind of symbols or more precisely, he wanted to draw his skin and body with them but he was unable to give them the proper shape and therefore significance. That's maybe why he stopped. He didn't feel the pain but maybe the dizziness and weakness of losing blood stopped him."

Kakashi-Sensei looked meditating at the Hokage.

"Do you know the purpose of the signals?"

"I had an idea about it. I think they were intended to be some sort of seals. At least there's a little clue guiding this meaning."

"Seals? Why seals?"

Hinata asked curiously and worried. But I answered before any of the Sensei could say anything.

"Because he wanted to seal something. He wanted to seal something inside his body or mind. That's why I would do this kind of thing. It's like being tattooed in some special way to attain different purposes like growing power or protection or even sealing. We had seen it in use in other ninjas and even enemies. Remember Orochimaru? That nauseous thing liked the drawing in the body."

I couldn't help to shudder remembering that nasty snake. How troublesome to even mention him. I shuddered disgusted.

"That it's what I think too Shikamaru. My only question now is if there's some kind of terrible power in him that he wants to get rid off."

"So you think he's very aware of everything and there's only damage in his physical body? He's not damaged at an emotional or spiritual level?"

"I don't know Kakashi. We couldn't get a clue if there's something more causing his state. The physical damage is there in some weird way. But I'm starting to ponder if he's really damaged at a spiritual level. Emotionally he could be just affected by all that happened. We still need to test him more but later. We need to let time to pass some more. But I honestly don't know what to think and personally I would prefer him to be only hurt physically but even without evidence still... I believe there's something more. I'm worried for not knowing who did this to him. Our investigations hadn't brought an answer yet."

We nodded at Tsunade. Finally after some minutes of silence and thoughts in all of us she said goodbye and went away. Kakashi said that maybe it wasn't a good idea to let Sasuke living alone. He suggested sadly letting him in a special care with some experimented people. Naruto said immediately no and that he would take him to his apartment. Hinata offered to help him to watch Sasuke and Ino and I too. We were his friends even after all and I know that with our help and organization we could have an eye on him to prevent events like this again or discover what what's happening with him in reality.

So the next morning he was out of the hospital still weak but fine at least and Naruto and Hinata took him and his things to Uzumaki's house. I laughed at the imaginary reaction of the former Sasuke living with him. Naruto was a complete disaster and kept his house like a pigsty and Sasuke was the opposite. How ironic and troublesome.

Will Sasuke finally speak and react at living some days with Naruto? All of us made a beat on that.

Sakura POV

I was surprised when I saw my mother at the door. Weeks had passed and I had accepted that I had lost my parents after my sudden leaving that rainy night when he… returned.

She just stayed looking sadly and softly smiling sweet at me. In that moment I knew that even after accepting the fact of losing her support and love I had missed her so much, and I miss her still, I was hoping and desiring to see her again in front of me and looking at me as she always did when I was still her daughter. My eyes filled with tears but I controlled them and after awkward moments of silence and embarrassing from the both of us and barely keeping myself to not run to her arms and hold her screaming "mom" I let her into my new house nostalgic and sad, remembering how I had disappointed her at the point of her saying that she couldn't do anything more for me and that she wanted a second chance in my own daughter.

I was angry at first when I thought in that chat between dad and mom. I was sad and even I felt horrible thinking that I had done all wrong and I wasn't a worthy person. But all this days and my freedom had given me time to think in all. I couldn't be angry with her anymore after seeing her at my door trying to talk to me and act like my mother again. I couldn't be angry because I had done things that had disappointed her just like she had said things that had hurt me too. I didn't want to start a fight and lose her. I knew that it was possibly that I would never have my father's support and acceptance because he seemed more affected and hurt by me than her.

The first thing she asked me was where Miyu was and then I went at my little girl's room and picked her up. When she saw my baby her face lighted up immediately and she extended her arms to take her. I let her do it smiling kindly and then mom carrying my daughter looked guiltily at me with a small and tentative smile.

And I knew what she was doing her there. We sat at the table with a couple of cups of lemon tea and after minutes of silence she started to talk sincerely and softly.

"I'm proud of you Sakura. You're doing excellent by yourself. I'm amazed but I'm very proud and happy."

I didn't say anything back. She took it as an invitation to keep talking.

"I knew you and that's why I decided to let you alone for some time. We both needed time to clear our mind I guess. But I can't go on like this, without talking and caring for you, without supporting you and loving you. You're my daughter against anything and I miss you so bad that I had cried everytime I entered at your room in home. I know that what you heard that night hurt you a lot... I know I hurt you with my words. But I... I just came to tell you that I'm sorry Sakura, deeply sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for leaving you alone when you met him again and I'm sorry because I know I disappointed you. When Kakashi told us about what had happened in the hospital's gardens between you and him I finally understand that it was pointless and hurting being away from you not matter our feelings... Kakashi lectured us telling that we should have been there for you and instead we forced you to run away from home with a little baby in your arms."

She paused blinking and trying to not cry. I felt moved to the core and my eyes hurt at the controlled tears.

"It's true that I wanted a different life for you sweetie. I wanted you to live your life without hurrying up, enjoying it. I wanted you to meet boys and have boyfriends and later to see you marrying one good boy who would love you forever and will care for you. I wanted you to prepare your wedding, to see you dressed in white."

Sakura couldn't help to smile at her expression of happiness. That was her own dream too before. Her mother was looking at her kindly and talking sincerely with her open heart while Miyu just slept in her arms calmly.

"I agreed with your dad in that. I don't think Miyu is a mistake. I love her. It's just that everything happened in an unexpected way and it wasn't what I wanted for you. I didn't want to see you affected by the gossiping. I didn't want you to suffer. I know that you loved him deeply and truly and I calmed myself knowing that he didn't show something for you. I know it's horrible to say this to you. But I thought you were safe if he didn't felt something for you."

I had guessed this before so it didn't surprise me a lot. But hearing it from her lips hurt me and I let finally my tears to go streaming through my cheeks. She just stared at me worried and crying silently too.

"I know how much it hurts you to listen this. But I didn't want him for you because I knew he would never be what you wanted him to be. Your father thought that it was just an insignificant infatuation and that you one day would be over it. But I knew better. I know better. Forgive me Sakura for this feeling and wish. Please forgive me."

She extended her hand trying to reach mine and I took it without a doubt. I saw sincerity and love in her. She was my mother and I was a mother too. I could understand her and her feelings. Even if they were hurting me intensely.

"I would have wished with all my heart to see him in love deeply with you. But I knew. That's why I prefer to think that it was safer if he didn't felt anything for you. But I guess I was wrong. Now you have a daughter with him. A beautiful little girl that I love with all my heart like I love you. I apologize for leaving you alone and for disappointing you. I'm sorry for not talking to you directly about all you heard that night and driving you to misunderstood me. I felt a terrible mother when I saw all you were going through, I felt like I had failed you."

I clutched her hand in mine crying and listening.

"That's why I thought that I could not do anything more for you. I felt upset at myself for not being able to help you more. That's why I said that. And egoistically I thought that I could do it better with your daughter, I just wanted a second chance to do better and it was because I felt like a terrible mother. I was angry at you at first and I was upset and disappointed of my sixteen year old daughter who was going to be a mother soon. I was angry knowing that you knew that he didn't love you and still you had been in that way with him. I couldn't understand you at first but later I knew that you truly loved him. I don't feel like that night anymore. Your absence in home and the time and space had made me think in all. I don't want to lose my family and I don't want to be angry at you and away. So I am here to apologize to you and to tell you that I'm there and that I want to help you with Miyu and with money if you need it too. Forgive me for trying to steal Miyu from you and for scaring you with my egoistic desire. Let me help you please..."

She ended up crying openly and painfully and I got up and hugged her crying sadly too. I had wanted this moment in my heart since I had left home months ago. I had been so scared of thinking that she couldn't love me anymore or accept me with my decisions and way of life. I knew she was hurting and boiling in guiltiness. I could see it clearly in her tired eyes.

"Mom it's ok, please don't cry... I did things that hurt you too badly and it wasn't my intention... I'm so happy that you're here with me and Miyu... I just want to start over and forgive and forget what happened. I knew dad and you love me. That's why you acted that way. And I had time and space too to think in all. I don't need to forgive you mom, I felt happy since I saw you at the door! So it's ok mom and I'm so happy that I can count on you again!"

I hugged tightly her and we kept crying and crying together without saying anything else. I had wanted her embrace and support so bad especially after my goodbye to Sasuke-Kun. I let out all my painful feelings and suffering originated from all that had happened since I left home and she comforted me sweetly in her arms just listening me crying out all my hurt and sadness.

We were like that for long minutes. Just crying and hugging and later laughing at our state. When we were calmer I asked her about dad and she told me sadly that he kept thinking the same. I just nodded with melancholy remembering him and she kindly caressed my hair like when I was little trying to cheer me up. I had to accept at her insistent effort to accept her money. She said that it was for Miyu's behalf and care.

I told her about my meeting with Sasuke-Kun at the hospital and what I did to him without trying to enter in details because I knew that it still affected me so much and I didn't want to cry anymore or feel devastated at the memory of him lying in that bed. She just listened me silently and understanding trying to not be obvious at my visible pain. She knew what I was doing. I was trying to be strong. After drinking of her fifth cup of coffee she looked at me sincerely concerned and loving.

"Sakura you love him even with your goodbye. There's not point in denying that. You will always love him not matter what. You will always want to be at his side not matter what. You love him sweetie. That's all the truth without anything else."

Her words got me bare naked at my heart of hearts. She just smiled sadly at me and said that she would put Miyu in her room and check it out to see if my little girl needed something else.

I was left in the kitchen with my burning thoughts and deep feelings. I had known from time ago that I was suffering horribly and more deeply with my attempt to let him go. I had to contain myself in my desperate and painful attempts to go near him again and just see him and being with him and loving him even without having his love back.

There were times when I felt so bad and sad, so crushed and filled with my undying love that I ended up crying madly and angry alone, screaming at my weak soul and my unforgotten heart with my mind showing me him in every corner I turned my eyes on.

I was tearing and killing myself with this forced attempt to be away from him and move on and go on living without him in my life. He was so close to me and I was trying frustrated to keep myself far away from his presence. Before I went nuts because he wasn't in Konoha with me, with us. And now he was there and I was the one running away from him. How ironic and sad.

A little voice inside me told me that I had done more damage saying goodbye to him at last. More damage to me because I was so depressed and desperately trying to pretend and believe my pretending when my heart shouted at me that I was just lying!

But a part of me remembered me why I had taken that decision that was destroying me in my silence and pretense at everything and everyone. That part kept me away when I reached the limits of his presence and paralyzed me when I saw him from far away with my friends or Kakashi-Sensei. How many times I went to Naruto's building pretending to only be walking, to see Sasuke-Kun only for seconds? How many times I glanced at him and felt the urgency and intensity of running to his side to hug him and not let him go and stay forever with him, taking care of him, just loving him?

How I had to help myself when I heard about his supposed attempt of suicide? How I stunned myself in my place crying and dying inside and trembling at the dread of his unexpected death? How I controlled myself and my tears while I was hurting and suffering knowing what he had done to himself? I had found myself running to the hospital, to his room and I had to do a strong stop to see what I was doing. And it was so strong that I almost trip and fall and hurt my feet at the same time. Breathing heavily and crying confused and with the truth at my face I had to step back and went home.

I wanted so bad to go at his side! I wanted so bad to forget my decision and just love him without expecting anything, expecting everything from him, hoping against hope! I could love him like I had been doing since I was a little girl and I could find happiness, truly happiness in just staying with him and sharing my immense love with him for the both of us.

But I knew better. And I let the logical and cold part of my brain and my spirit, my soul and heart to control me and remind me the reasons that I had considered to let him go and free him from me.

I convinced myself to believe, truly believe, in my reasons and that it was for the best.

And I succeed. After repeating myself over and over that I had done right I dried my wet face and cleared my throat and started to pick up the cups from the table. I have to live day by day to get over this overwhelming desperation and love. I have to focus myself to keep my decision in mind.

Even when a part of me dies every time I force myself to go away from him. He had cut his skin and let his blood out without a known reason. I had cut my heart and I kept bleeding till this day.