AN: I've been on a bit of a roll this weekend, so I figured why not. I'll post another chapter. I'll warn you ahead of time that Kim is not in this chapter. I said this was an Adam story and that will happen occasionally. Not often, but it will some in the beginning. I still hope that you all will stick with me. I also hope that I am fleshing out Rachel enough to make her interesting and worth the read. Happy reading!

You watch me bleed until I can't breathe
I'm shaking falling onto my knees
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
I'm tripping over myself
I'm aching begging you to come help
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches

"Stitches" – Shawn Mendes

The Past

If you think that Rachel giving me her number meant game on, you would be sorely mistaken. Nothing happened like it normally did with Rachel. Our whole relationship was a slow build till it wasn't. It was getting into a routine of hanging out at Molly's when we would both get off a shift and see each other there. It was texting back and forth on stupid stuff that would happen during the day and seeing if the other one would respond. It was all so tentative and yet not. It was testing the waters and pushing the other one to find boundaries. You might see similarities with Kim, but it really wasn't the same. I didn't have that comfort zone with Rachel that I had with Kim since we worked together.

I felt like I was constantly fluctuating between Rachel's professional demeanor and her laid back teasing at Molly's. Part of that was due to the recent increase in my trips to Chicago Med. Not sure why, but the universe decided that about half of our cases required a trip there. However, it was the one that I actually didn't have to go there that changed things.

It was completely unrelated to the main part of the case, but equally important. We were investigating this complete waste of a human for trafficking underage girls in and out of the city and it just so happened that he also had his own family. A family that included a young boy. When we went to arrest the guy, his son just did not seem right. He was under weight and he had bruises that to me looked an awful lot like hand prints. The kid was now sitting in our coffee room with a lady from child services. The woman had said that the child needed to be seen by a doctor to help document his injuries, but that they were backed up at the clinic. Voight was fuming.

"We need to keep this guy in custody. That boy will not go back into that household. We need to get him seen."

I took a breath and spoke up.

"I bet Rachel would stop by. She should be off shift soon. Or she might be able to tell me when Dr. Manning could stop in."

"Make it happen."

Voight left and I started to try and text Rachel. I could see Atwater turning towards me from his desk.

"Rachel, huh?"

I paused mid text and looked up at my friend.

"Shut up."

"I think you are supposed to refer to them as Doctor even if they are your friend."

"Shut up, Kev."

"What's going on there? You haven't really elaborated."

"Nothing."

"Doesn't seem like nothing."

I ignored Kev's teasing for the rest of the day. It was none of his business. Since Dr. Manning was stuck at the hospital, Rachel volunteered to come to the precinct and see the boy. She was gentle with him and the boy seemed to warm up to her quickly. As she stepped out of the break room, she made eye contact with me briefly before pulling her phone out and making a call. I watched as she paced a bit while talking to someone. When she had hung up, she made her way to me.

"Do you have a computer that I can use? I need to look at his medical records."

"Of course. How have you gotten those?"

"He knows who his pediatrician is. Kids are much more observant than parents think they are."

I took her over to my desk and let her do what she needed to do. I was amazed at what she was able to accomplish for that boy in such a short period of time. She had the records sent to her email and once she had looked them over, she gave us a copy.

"Just back date all the request forms. I know for a fact that the hospital will not care. Just get him out of that home."

I can remember seeing the pain in Rachel's eyes and knowing that the case had really affected her. I reassured her that we would make sure that happened.

Seeing her at Molly's that night was a relief for me. I needed her company that night as much as she did. She would end up telling me later that her morning prior to that had been full of cases that just wore her out in the 'quit whining your life is not that bad' kind of way and to see that boy just drove that point home even more. He was innocent and did not deserve the hand that life had dealt him. It was the thing that was eating at me. It was why I didn't want to hang with the unit that night. I needed someone that would understand why I wasn't in the mood to party, but also someone that hadn't been by my side through the whole thing. Rachel was it. Her small smile as she went to take a sip of her drink confused me. Till she explained.

"You know what's amazing?"

I shook my head cause for the life of me I could not think of anything that night to make myself happy. Not even the burn of the whiskey we were drinking was having much effect on me.

"He was so excited to know that I knew what Pokémon Go was. You should have seen his eyes light up when I told him that my building was close to one of those gyms. You would have thought I had given him an ice cream cone. It really amazes me how resilient kids are. How they can just forget all their troubles in that split second that they find something that makes them happy. I wish as adults that we could keep some of that."

"Yeah. That would be nice."

Seeing her smile back at me in that moment caused something to click for me. I knew that she got where I was coming from. I also knew in that moment the reason I had kept contacting her. I had finally found someone that I was willing to take a risk on. I set my glass down and knew what I was wanting to do, but also feeling that it wasn't the time. Rachel finished her glass and threw a couple of bills on the counter to pay for the drink.

"I really need to get going. Early day. Would you walk me out?"

I nodded. It was our routine, but this time felt different. I knew that I needed to change the dance. Walking with her to the cab stand just made my body tense up all the more as the anticipation of what I was going to do kept mounting. Rachel was just opening the door to the back of the cab and getting ready to turn back to me to say goodnight when I cleared my throat. She looked back to me and waited to see what I wanted. I could feel that I was barely making eye contact with her, but I just needed an out if this went south.

"What do you think about dinner?"

Her lack of response caused me to make eye contact and I could see the amusement in her eyes.

"In general, I find it necessary to keep me from getting hangry and biting people's heads off, but I suspect that is not what you meant."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes. I had walked right into that one.

"I meant would you like to have dinner? Saturday?"

Her smile was the sweetest thing as she responded and then got in the cab.

"I'd love to. I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to ask."

I watched that cab pull away and couldn't help the smile that came to my face. I was really doing this. I was taking the leap. God help me.

The Present

Yeah. God help me. I'm cradling a crying Isabelle in my arms and praying for any kind of help I can get. Please don't wake Aunt Carol. I really don't want her to know how truly unprepared I am for this responsibility. However, I should have known that she would be the one person in my life that would never judge me.

"Oh man. I remember those days. Your cousin Riley wouldn't calm down for anything. I thought I was the worst mother in the world that I just didn't automatically know how to sooth him. You'll figure it out."

She would find me in the middle of the night and just be there. She wouldn't offer to take Isabelle unless I asked. She knew that I was needing to do this myself. Or at least try.

"Adam, don't take it personally. She's grieving too. She just doesn't have the words yet to tell you that. Give it time."

She was right. I figured it out. Rocking and not bouncing helped. Making sure she was placed against my heart seemed to help when she was just cranky and not needing any of the other basic needs. The first time seeing her calm back into sleep quickly was the sweetest form of relief.

It was after a month or so that my Aunt finally decided that she needed to nudge me. I guess she had noticed some things. Like the fact that I was focusing solely on my daughter and not dealing with myself. Or the hundred or so texts and phone calls that were piling up on my phone. I'd basically quit carrying the thing and had left it on the dresser in my room. I just couldn't look at it. I knew who was calling and I knew what they all wanted. To know if I was coming back. To know if I was ok. That last one was a stupid thing to even ask.

"Honey, they aren't going to stop. At least not yet. And I really don't think you want them to."

I looked up from the rocking chair I was sitting in to see my Aunt holding my phone. It was ringing and Atwater's name and face had lit up the screen. I turned away and just shook my head.

"Adam. You know that I am in no way trying to get rid of you. You have every right to take all the time in the world to deal with this in the way you want, but don't you think that it might be easier if you tried leaning on the people that have meant the most to you."

Part of me wanted to tell her that she just didn't understand. I, of course, knew better but when you are hurting you just aren't rational.

"They remind me too much of her."

"Adam. You are going to have a living breathing reminder of her for the rest of your life if you are lucky. That isn't going to change."

Thanks, Aunt Carol. Just rip the band aid of denial right off.

"What am I supposed to say? That I don't know what I am going to do. That I'm a wreck and I'm not sure I can even do the job anymore. Or that I want to. That it is taking everything in me just to take care of Isabelle?"

My Aunt smiled and held out the phone to me.

"It's a start. I honestly think that each and every one of them just wants to hear your voice."

I took the phone from her and she left me on the front porch with the baby monitor sitting next to me. I looked down at that most recent missed call and began to play a game with myself. Did I dare open that door again? Was I up for it? I could hear Rachel's voice in my head. "I never back down from a good challenge. That's what life is all about." I closed my eyes as the memory burned with the bittersweet reality of my situation. Rachel would hate this. She would actually kick my ass if she knew what I was doing. In that one moment, I swiped the notification to the right and brought the phone to my ear and waited to hear Atwater's voice.

"Bro, thank God! Are you there? Talk to me, Man."

I swallowed and promised myself that I would do this for Rachel. And for myself.

"Yeah, I'm here. What's up?"