AN: Well, if I haven't made you hate this story yet. Lets see if this chapter does it. Let me clarify that this story will move more towards Burzek in a few chapters, but there was a lot of backstory that I wanted to get out. I do this little game where I try to think what might be the hardest thing to watch for my preferred couple and go with it. That is this story. I am also dealing with what I suspect will be a lack of the show dealing with the situation they created. Who knows. They could surprise me, but the fact that they basically had Ruzek and Roman burying the hatchet in the last episode without much context doesn't leave me with a ton of faith. I forsee if we do get Burzek back that it will be due to something like Ruzek and Platt getting stuck in an elevator thinking they are going to plummet to their deaths and they both spilling secrets. Of course, Platt would have her phone on or her radio stuck open and Burgess would hear all. Maybe I should write that. Hmmm...maybe.

She don't throw any t-shirt on and walk to a bar
She don't text her friends and say, I gotta get laid tonight
She don't say, it's okay, I never loved him anyway
She don't scroll through her phone just looking for a Band-Aid

"Different for Girls" – Dierks Bentley

The Past

You would think that having a first date that was a bit awkward would bother me. It didn't. It actually encouraged me. For once, it wasn't about being suave or good with the ladies. It wasn't about trying to be someone that I wasn't just to get to that second date. Something that I hadn't realized up to that point or even as it was happening, was that I was done with the bullshit. I was done with just trying to make the person I was with happy. Didn't mean that I didn't care. I just wasn't trying to act like everything was okay. The fact that Rachel seemed to like that or that it just worked for her was probably why we continued seeing each other. Our schedules were difficult at times to coordinate, but some how two months went by and we were still together. Or seeing each other. We hadn't had that conversation at this point. Hadn't defined what we were and I sure as hell was not advertising what was going on in my personal life at work. I was happy having everyone believe that I wasn't seeing anyone. Or I was up until Rachel called me one day at work and told me that her ex, Derrick, was wanting to meet with her and that she had told him she would see him at Molly's.

"I just don't want you to show up at Molly's tonight and see me with him and wonder what was going on. I know we aren't exclusive or anything, but I like you Adam. And I think that you deserve to know. I'm honestly not looking forward to this and if I could get out of it I would. I could punch Dr. Rhodes for giving him my number at that conference. I had no idea he was even in Chicago."

I appreciated the fact that she told me. I really did and I played it off like it was no big deal. It was a big deal. It irked me that she even decided she wanted to see an ex. I mean if she didn't want to do it why did she feel she had to? That was the thought that kept going through my mind all day. So when I showed up to Molly's that night to have a drink with Atwater and Mouse, I was trying to fall back on old habits. Trying to make myself seem happy.

"What's wrong, Man? You're like burning holes into that guy that's with Dr. Allen. You got the hots for her or something?"

I was apparently doing a piss poor job of fooling anyone if Mouse was picking up on things.

"Nah, Dawg. He and 'Rachel' are just friends. Nothing going on there."

Did Kev really just use air quotes? Not that the sarcasm wasn't just dripping all over his words. It just felt like over kill.

"You guys are both assholes."

Atwater and Mouse just laughed. They seemed to fully enjoy my discomfort. Rachel looked like she was in my boat. Her forehead was strained in a way that I had never seen. She was stirring her drink like she was praying the thing would magically transport her somewhere. I wondered if I was just making that up, but then she did something that told me she was annoyed and pissed off. She bit her lip and rolled her eyes. I'd seen her do it before at a guy who was just not taking no for an answer one night. That guy almost left Molly's with a black eye. I decided that I would do the guy a favor and save him from himself. I got up from the table and completely ignored Mouse and Kevin as they made some comment or other about if I was getting another round. I made my way over to where they were seated and placed my hand on the back of Rachel's chair.

"Hey, Rachel. How's it going? Rough day?"

She looked up at me with a mix of relief and shock. She then shook her head with a smile that she was doing a really bad job of concealing.

"Um. Excuse me but we were talking."

I finally got my first look at this Derrick. The guy looked like a class A jerk. You know, the ones. Good looking, smart and they know it. He wore the fact that he was a doctor like it was a badge of honor that everyone should bow down to. I also guarantee you he was the type that had a God complex. Or that could have been the territorial side of me just painting the guy with the brush of my choice. In the end, who cares. The dude knew perfectly well that I could have cared less that he was talking at Rachel.

"Really? Is that right? Didn't look like she was doing much talking. Let me give you a lesson on talking…"

Rachel was now just watching this interaction like she was going to enjoy the show. She had this small smirk on her face and she was resting her chin on her hand. I swear that girl would have accepted popcorn to snack on if you would have offered it.

"I think I know how to have a conversation with my girlfriend."

That statement actually made me laugh out loud because Rachel no longer found this amusing. Her smile had completely disappeared and she now looked like murder was a good option.

"Look, buddy. Let me let you in on a little secret. She's not your girlfriend. Not anymore. I know that for a fact. And to save you from her…I'm going to get her out of here."

I didn't wait for his reaction. I just took her hand and pulled her out of there after me. It was an alpha male move, but I figured the only person I really had to worry about offending was the woman whose hand was currently still clasped in mine. We were about a block away from the bar when she finally pulled her hand free. I turned back to look at her and she had crossed her arms in front of her.

"Feeling cavemanish, are we? Completely okay with me having a drink with my ex, huh?"

I was aware that I was going to have to choose my words carefully. Or just tell the truth.

"It bothered me."

Her eye brows rose up towards her hair line and the twinkle in her eyes made them sparkle.

"Really. You don't say? Next time why don't you make it really obvious and club me over the head and drag me out by my hair."

"Sorry. You just looked like you were needing an out."

"Oh, I'm not denying that. Was that the only way you could come up with to make that happen?"

She was laughing by now. Almost to the point of tears. She took a deep breath and shook her head.

"Sorry, you just should have seen his face. Wow. I actually kind of feel bad for him."

"Why?"

"Because he actually thought he could show up here tonight and get me back." Her laugh now lacked the humor that was in it before. "He truly is a narcissist. He really thought that I would be so happy to know that he was actually looking at transferring to Chicago Med. God, he is truly clueless."

By now, Rachel had made her way to her car and was leaning up against the side of it. I hadn't even realized that she was parked this way. Normally, I would have been the type to see if she wanted to hit another bar and just let the alcohol do its thing to gloss over this night. However, something in me knew it was the wrong move.

"What happened with you guys?"

Rachel's eyes flew up to look into mine. She took a breath and huffed.

"Life. I don't know. He got a job offer in a different city and he took it. Really if I'm honest we had been drifting apart before he left. He's a cardio thoracic surgeon. Like Dr. Rhodes. He was living and breathing that as I was doing the same in orthopedics. He got this great opportunity in Boston and he didn't even think to tell me before he accepted it. I would have told him to take it. If he had asked. Even if it had meant that we would have been long distance for a while. It was the fact that he didn't even include me in the decision. It was like the whole two years we had been together meant nothing. It also didn't help that he immediately began dating someone else when he got to Boston... problem with having mutual friends. His fellowship is over now and he is looking at hospitals that have openings. He actually used the words pick up where we left off. I really don't think I have ever been that insulted in my life."

I had absolutely no idea how to respond to that. It hit me right in the gut. Some of it was too close to home.

"I'm so sorry."

Rachel smiled up at me and shook her head.

"Don't be. I don't regret the relationship. Even dealing with this tonight. I met with him so I could know something."

"What's that?"

"That a part of me will always love him, but that I'm not in love with him anymore. We supported each other through some of the hardest times in our lives and I will always be grateful for that. I'm a different person now. I'm stronger. And it's okay to admit that without him I wouldn't know that. But that also doesn't mean that I want to have anything to do with him now. And that's okay, too."

I truly did not know how to deal with this woman. She was almost too much.

"Wow, I really don't think I'm there yet."

Rachel nodded her head.

"I'm not saying I don't have my moments, but I guess my current company makes it easier to be positive."

I could smile at that. I was finally thinking that maybe another bar was a good idea, but Rachel had other plans.

"So what do you mean that you are not there, yet? Still holding onto animosity or what?"

Ugh. She asked. A part of me wanted to hide this. Wanted to brush it under the rug and pretend it wasn't there.

"You don't want to know."

"Actually, I do. If you think I haven't heard some things about you at the hospital, you are mistaken."

That brought my attention fully on her.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Calm down. I'm just saying that some of my colleagues may have warned me that if we stayed together that I might want to be prepared to get engaged, but that I would be joining a very long list."

"Really?!"

"I told them that they had absolutely nothing to worry about since I don't believe in marriage, so what the hell."

"You're joking, right?"

"No, I'm not. About any of it."

I was pissed. Really pissed. I knew who was probably flapping their gums about it. Halstead. Would be the only doctor I could think of that would be that knowledgeable and concerned about it in the least. We would be having a conversation.

"You really don't believe in marriage? Like really?"

"That it exists? Of course it does. My parents were married for 30 years. It exists. I just don't know that I need a piece of paper to hold someone to me. They can still leave. I'd rather have someone show up every day. I'd rather someone actually be with me than stand up in front of our friends and family and make promises that they might not be able to keep. Life happens. But we weren't really talking about me or my feelings. You're dodging."

I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready to completely spill my guts to someone I had only been seeing for two months. However, after everything that she had told me I felt obligated to say something.

"I've been engaged three times. The first time barely even counts. The second was serious, but I changed and she didn't. The third time…it just all blew up in my face."

Rachel's eyes were looking at me in a way that I knew she could see that I was still hiding, but that I had actually admitted quite a bit.

"The last one was the one that truly hurt."

She hit the nail on the head in one try.

"Yes."

"Ok. You'll tell me when you are ready. You look like you could use another drink. Know any bars nearby that don't hold our pasts in them?"

I thought she would never ask.

The present

Please don't ask me. That was the thought going through my head as I was heading up the walk to Atwater's. His mother had volunteered to help with watching Isabelle when I went back to work. Between her and my father, I was pretty sure that I could have things covered. I was nervous. Wasn't sure about any of the decisions that I had been making lately. What pediatrician to use? Whether going back to the unit was a good idea? Should I just switch to patrol or take the detective's exam and transfer to homicide? Isabelle was making me second guess everything. For now, I figured I needed to get back to as close too normal as I could. As normal as you can, when you add a newborn to the mix. Yeah, I was kidding myself.

What I wasn't kidding myself about was how hard I knew this first day was going to be. Not just dealing with people at work. That would be hard, but being away from Isabelle for the first time. I hoped that she would handle my absence okay and at the same time hoped that she would miss me. Strange thought. But there were two things that I didn't want people to ask me. Was I nervous or if I was okay? I didn't need to add to all my doubts by having people question how I was doing.

I rang the doorbell and waited. I looked down at my daughter whose eyes seemed to be looking to me for answers as to what I thought I was doing.

"I don't know darling. I really don't. I hope you can handle that for a while."

She of course just stared back. Kevin swung the door open and the biggest grin spread across his face. He stepped forward and wrapped an arm around me to slap my back.

"God, Man. It's good to finally see you. Don't mind when my Mom says that you are too skinny. She says that to everyone. Don't take it personally. Get in here, Dawg."

I followed him in and when we got to the living room I set Isabelle's carrier down on the coffee table. His little sister was in the process of eating a bowl of cereal as she was watching tv. I could hear Kevin's two brothers carrying on in the back as his mother was yelling at them to hurry up or they were going to be late for school. I unbuckled Isabelle from her carrier and lifted her out. Her big eyes just began to scan the room. She was taking everything in and I could see the uncertainty in them. Atwater made his way over to see her in person for the first time.

"Well isn't she just the cutest thing. You sure she's yours?"

"Fairly certain."

"Good thing she got her momma's looks. Can I hold her before my Mom gets her hands on her? She'll never let go at that point. She loves babies."

I figured I had better get used to other people wanting to hold her. I handed her over to Atwater and waited to see how Isabelle reacted. The uncertainty came back to her eyes but only for a split second. Then the biggest smile came to her face.

"Look at that. Ladies love me."

"Yeah, sure. Keeping in mind that she doesn't talk yet. You sure your Mom is okay with doing this?"

I had barely gotten the question out when Kevin's brothers came barreling into the room and his mother was hot on their heels.

"Backpacks! Oh My! Please tell me that is my baby Belle. Oooooh. Kevin hand her over."

Kevin raised his eyebrow to tell me that he had told me so and that my last question was the dumbest one ever. Momma Atwater quickly took Isabelle out of Kevin's hands and she had my girl cooing so quickly I knew that she would be ok. I took the backpack off my shoulder that I had basically turned into a diaper bag. It worked and was frankly more manly than the one Rachel had planned on using.

"Ok, you boys get out of here. Kevin make sure they behave themselves."

I had offered to drive Kevin to work and his brothers to school in exchange for his mother's help. Figured it was the least I could do and she wouldn't take anything else.

Getting to work, I could feel my nerves come back online. It was going to be my first time setting foot in the doors since the accident. Platt had been gracious enough to drop paperwork at my apartment or email what needed to be completed when it came to my absence. I wasn't sure I was ready to see everyone, but at least I wasn't walking in alone. Kevin held back and waited for me to gather my strength. He didn't say a word but I knew that was what he was doing. I finally began to put one foot in front of the other and made my way through the front door. I felt the stares and could hear the whispers. I ignored them and just headed towards the gate. I paused and placed my palm on the scanner. Keying in my code felt about as foreign as it could. Apparently, the keypad agreed. I heard the bad buzz that told me my code had been rejected. Great. That told me how long I had been gone. Kevin chuckled and waved at Platt. I could hear her clicking on her keypad and then the good buzz sounded. I looked at Kevin and he started laughing.

"You did that on purpose."

"Had to mess with you. Couldn't have you thinking we didn't care."

"Hilarious. You are all comedians."

I knew they could hear me upstairs because of the laughter. Antonio and Jay were getting way too much of a kick out of that. I took the stairs two at a time and immediately punched Jay in the shoulder. He wrapped me up in the typical man hug and Antonio followed.

"Good to have you back, Ruzek. Been too damn quiet around here."

"Thanks. I'm here to make as much noise as ya'll want."

"Not too much, Kid."

I turned to see Olinsky stepping out of his cubbie and I felt it then. I was home. I was meant to come back here.

"Ruzek."

Voight was standing in his doorway and waved me over. I headed to his office and shut the door behind me since Voight signaled that he wanted me to.

"Have a seat. I'm not going to ask you how you are doing. What I am going to do is ask you to ride the desk for a few days."

"Sarg…"

Voight held up his hand stopping my protest.

"This isn't a debate. It's your first day back. I know you want to hop back in and pretend like everything is normal. Nobody here knows what you went through. But I have an idea. Give it time. Okay. Just a few days."

I would be lying if I said that he hadn't burst my bubble a bit, but at the same time it was a relief. He was giving me time to know that I would be ready for when the shit really hit the fan. Let's be honest. It always does in this unit. So, I did the desk work. I helped Mouse catalogue, search, and whatever else could be accomplished while stuck inside the district. One of those tasks is why I ran into Kim. I came around a corner heading down to the evidence locker and there she was. She was smiling at something that her partner had said and it just froze on her face as she saw me.

"Adam. You're back."

Her partner excused herself and walked by me. I guess she knew who I was.

"Yeah. I'm back."

"How's Belle doing?"

"Belle?"

"Sorry. Kevin's mom. She calls her that all the time. How is Isabelle doing?"

I wasn't sure how to handle that my daughter had been given a nickname already without my knowledge, but I guess that is how those things work. I also wasn't sure how I felt about Kim using it. I was just going to have to let that one go for now.

"She's good. How have you been?"

"Great! Really. You headed to evidence?"

"Yeah."

"Watch out for Sgt. Waters today. He's in a mood because his wife took him off carbs again. I wish that lady would stop that. She just makes all of us miserable. Welcome back."

I watched Kim go and felt some of my tension go away. I had done it. I'd faced just about everyone that I care about or even spent a second thinking about. It wasn't easy, but I just might be able to make it.

Post AN: You will love and hate the next chapter as a Burzek fan. Fair warning.