AN: Well, can't say that I didn't warn you about the love hate thing in this chapter. I may have a Kim outtake for the second half. I'll have to proofread it and see what I think. Thank you so much for all the views! I was honestly thinking about abandoning this story. I've got most of it written at this point and it just seemed a shame to not post it. Hope you are still enjoying the journey!

Honey load up your questions
And pick up your sticks and your stones
And pretend I'm a shelter for heartaches
That don't have a home
Choose the words that cut like a razor
And all that I'll say

Is fire away
Take your best shot
Show me what you got
Honey, I'm not afraid
Rear back and take aim
And fire away

"Fire Away" – Chris Stapleton

Chapter 6

The Past

That conversation with Rachel by her car that night stuck with me. I mulled it over more times than I could count. Was I still really mad at Kim? No. Mad wasn't the emotion anymore. Sad. Disappointed. Those were more accurate over the month prior to when Rachel and I started dating. No, now it was something else. It was something that I couldn't put a finger on, but I knew that I had placed her and everything having to do with her in a box. That can only last so long.

I know I've told you that Rachel taught me to truly appreciate the moment and to live life without regret. Losing her was not the first time she did that. Working the ER and being an Ortho, Rachel got called into work frequently. Car wrecks. Specialty work that the other Orthos didn't feel comfortable with. You name it. She got the call. Chicago was a big city after all and there was always stuff going on. This one night always comes to mind when I think about that. Mostly because it caused me to deal with several issues all at once.

I walked into Molly's on this night and found something that nearly made me stop in my tracks. Who am I kidding? I did stop. There was Rachel sitting at a table with Kim and her new partner. They were all smiling and drinking like they were the best of friends. Lesson number one: tell your new girl the name of your ex to avoid awkward situations like this. Lesson number two: Tell your ex that you are in a new relationship so you can avoid awkward situations like this.

Shit. I had told Rachel that I would meet her tonight which meant there was no way to avoid this. I made my way up to the table and just kind of stood next to the open seat next to Rachel. She noticed me immediately and looked up. Kim took a moment, but I knew the second she did. Those big eyes just reminded me of a deer caught in headlights.

"Hey. You finally made it. Did you guys catch the guy?"

I looked to Rachel and nodded my head and felt relieved as one of the new waitresses came up and asked what I wanted to drink. As I was ordering my beer, I could hear Rachel's cell go off. Her groan fell from her lips as I went to turn back.

"Crap. It's the hospital. I guess it's good that I've barely taken a sip of this. Bad car wreck. I gotta go. Sorry ya'll. I'll catch you later."

Rachel hopped out of her seat and paused momentarily like she was reading the situation. I knew better than to think that she hadn't read the tension at the table with my arrival. She patted my back as she made her way past me and headed out the door. In that moment, two things went through my mind. Because I was trying to hold onto our relationship as something private, I had missed out on kissing her goodbye. Because I hadn't been brave enough to be honest. Kim's new partner excused herself and I finally made eye contact with Kim again. I slide into the seat that had been left for me and prepared myself for the conversation.

"I didn't know that you knew Dr. Allen."

"I don't just know her. We're …"

"I think I figured that out."

"Ok."

I took the beer that the waitress placed in front of me and began to pick at the label.

"I just didn't want you to be blindsided."

"You mean like the way you were."

I looked up at the ceiling to try and swallow the anger. Yeah, that still hurt.

"Exactly." Forget swallowing anymore. "I figured it was the right thing to do."

"Cause I didn't do the right thing."

"I didn't say that. I just meant that I would extend the courtesy that I wished you would have given me."

I got up at that point and walked away. I didn't want a fight. Not that night. I finished my beer with Otis at the bar and then headed home.

It was probably midnight when I heard the knock at my door. I knew it would be Rachel. Opening the door, she immediately made her way into my arms and I just held her to me. She would always show up like this when she was done. She always looked exhausted and spent in these moments and I knew the small comfort I could give would mean a lot.

"It was Kim, right?"

Yep. Rachel had known immediately.

"Yeah."

"Well, that sucks. I like her. I can't hate her now."

I just shook my head. And the strangest realization came to me.

"I don't want you to hate her. She's not a bad person. Just the opposite. She's probably one of the best people I know. We just know how to really hurt each other, I guess."

Rachel looked up at me and the gentle way she was doing it just hurt.

"Are you getting there now?"

I knew immediately what she meant.

"Yeah. I am. I told her."

Rachel's eyes narrowed as she was trying to follow my line of thought.

"That we're seeing each other. I wanted her to know."

"We are? Glad to have that cleared up."

I could feel the smile spread across my face. I pulled Rachel back to me and thanked God for her sense of humor. She could take any awkward situation and instantly make it easier.

Waking up the following morning, I turned my head to find Rachel staring at me. I knew she had a question and I wasn't going to be able to run from it anymore.

"What happened?"

Turn about was fair play. I looked at the ceiling and tried to figure out how I felt and what I knew.

"I got scared and instead of talking about it, I tried to give myself more time. I think she got insecure but instead of talking to me she talked to everyone else. The part that hurt was that she went to the one person that I knew was playing on her insecurities because he had his own game going. I told her, but she didn't listen. The worst part was that she ended up with him and she tried to hide it."

I looked at Rachel now. And I saw the very thing that I needed the most. Concern and caring. Not a single ounce of pity.

"Did you guys ever talk about any of it? Try to deal with it."

I shook my head.

"I felt like I tried, but I guess I was too late."

"What if you weren't? What if she would listen now?"

I just shook my head again.

"No. I can't. I won't." This was the hardest part to admit. For whatever reason, this truth was still hard.

"I don't trust her. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to."

"You haven't forgiven her."

I wiped my face with my hands because that truth just annoyed me. I would trust Kim with my life at work, but God I still wanted to keep her at arm's length.

"No, I haven't."

"I haven't forgiven Derrick."

We just laid there and let that truth sink in. She was the one person that I could be honest with. I could never have told anyone at the unit about any of this. Could never have been this honest.

"I had never loved anyone as much as I loved her. I really thought she was the one and that was why I was so scared. But she left and she didn't believe enough in me. That's what I can't forgive."

That statement caused a tear to roll down Rachel's cheek. She wiped it away and I knew in that moment that I had hit on her insecurity with her last relationship. We had been through the same thing. That morning was a first for me. I should have known that I would never be the same.

The Present

Isabelle was changing me. Every day I saw parts of my life altered by her presence. And the months that had gone by had truly made this apparent. My relationship with my Pops was one of the parts that had changed. I had always considered it good, but I guess I was kidding myself. We have never talked as much as we do now. I now appreciate so much more what he did for me. It won't be my choices but I understand them all the better now. It has made me understand why he chose to leave my Mom. I can remember how bad things were before he left, but a part of me always thought I had some part in it. Now, I know better. He left because he wanted my life to be better. Their relationship was toxic and it would have changed me for the worse.

She's changed my relationship within the unit. Where I was the Kid of the unit before, it's hard for that role to continue at this point. I talk more with Antonio and Al about kids and girls in general. They listen to my fears and tell me how it is. I'm closer to them now than I would have ever been without Isabelle. I'm at Atwater's constantly and feel like they have basically adopted me and Isabelle. His brothers are just as adept at getting her to sleep as I am. They amaze me as a family. It's all about helping each other out. There is no being lazy in that house. It was that comfort that caused me to leave Isabelle with Kevin as I headed out on a stake out with Al. I would have taken her to my Dad's, but he was still working nights and I figured that Momma Atwater would be home soon if Kevin got called in. I probably should have laid out more contingencies and I tried to, but Kevin assured me that he had options if something came up. Well, of course it did. When Kevin showed up to assist with the raid on the warehouse that Al and I had been surveilling, I didn't have time to ask him who was with Isabelle and that bothered me. However, in our job I had to trust that he had it handled. I couldn't be worried about that when I needed to have his back. I put it out of my mind and did my job. I followed Atwater home and made my way up the front walk behind him. What we walked in and saw, stopped me in my tracks. His brothers were sacked out on the floor with blankets laid over them. His sister was asleep in the recliner and there was Kim on the couch with Isabelle sound asleep on her chest. Momma Atwater was just watching them.

"Isn't that the sweetest thing. I didn't have the heart to wake them, but I guess we'll have to now that you two are here."

She made her way to the two boys as Atwater lifted his little sister out of the recliner. I waited for them to pass before approaching Kim. I had so many emotions playing with my head in that moment. I didn't realize that Kim was Atwater's back up. I paused for a moment to take note that Isabelle's little fist had a hand full of Kim's shirt and that Kim's arms were wrapped around her in such a protective manor that it brought a lump to my throat. I swallowed it down and went to try and move her arms. That didn't work at all. Even in her sleep, Kim instinctively resisted my intrusion. I finally just squeezed Kim's shoulder and then shook it slightly. Her eyes came open and I could see her trying to push the fog away. As her eyes cleared, I could see that she was waiting to see my reaction. I made a smile come to my face.

"Hey. We're back. I can take her now."

Kim looked down at Isabelle as she continued to sleep and Kim slowly began to come upright so that she could hand Isabelle over without waking her. I held my daughter to my chest and knew I needed to say something.

"Thanks for watching her."

Kim was pulling straight her shirt from where Isabelle had been grasping it.

"It was my pleasure. She's such a happy baby."

"She didn't give you any trouble?"

"No. She's going to be a heart breaker with that smile."

"Don't I know it. She'll be taking after her Mom. I better get going. Good night."

I left and tried to determine how I was feeling about this latest development. I had no clue.

Post AN: Expect Kim's POV next or a very different view of Rachel and Adam. Or maybe I'll be going into hiding. Depending on the reaction. ;)