Chapter 21:
I knocked on the door but instead of Brittany I was met with her replica. Little Alice didn't have time for greetings though, because she just grabbed my hand and pulled me in the apartment before closing the door. Brittany was sitting on the floor, between the coffee table and the couch, writing something. Alice tugged my hand before dropping it and went to stand in front of Brittany and between her mother's legs.
"Hi." I said confused and Brittany smiled at me and gestured for me to go closer. She gave the pencil that she was holding to her daughter, who seemed really excited about it because she started going back and forth on her feet while writing on a sheet. "What's up?" I asked and went to sit next to them on the couch.
"Look Tana, I mafs too!" Little Alice said excited and went back to writing down, her tongue was poking out of her mouth in concentration, making her look adorable. I arched an eyebrow and leaned down to confirm my suspicions. Yep, numbers. I chuckled while straightening up again and Brittany leaned her head back on the couch to look at me upside down.
"You're crazy." I told her and she stuck her tongue out at me, making me roll my eyes. "You're gonna burn her brain." I said and she snorted.
"Please. My baby's the smartest of them all." She said.
"Of course she is." I said smiling. Every parent would think that their kid was the smartest, but little Alice could actually be. Brittany licked her lips and brought her hand up to grab my t-shirt and tugged me down so she could kiss me. She caught me by surprise because she never wanted to do that in front of Alice. But the kid wasn't looking at us so she took the opportunity to give me a peck on the lips. When we pulled apart Brittany turned towards her daughter again.
"Hey baby, why don't you show Santana what else you've learnt?" She asked her and little Alice immediately dropped the pencil that she was holding and started to run towards her bedroom. "Don't run Ali. And be careful with it, please." Brittany added and Alice calmed down before leaving the living room. Brittany turned sideways to face me. "Hi." She told me and I sighed. "What's wrong?" She asked frowning.
"I'll tell you later." I shrugged and Brittany nodded, eyeing me for a few seconds.
"Well, I hope you're prepared cause Ali will tell you to dance." She said and I arched an eyebrow at her. "I didn't let her do anything tiring for like a week…" She trailed off with narrowed eyes. "So she has enough energy to tire both you and me." She finished.
"Ok, but you won't be there." I mumbled and she arched an eyebrow at me. "What? I can't dance." I said defensively and she snorted.
"I'm sure you can." She said and patted my knee just in time for Alice to come running in the living room again. Brittany immediately turned to her. "I said don't run with the compass, Ali." She scolded and Alice pouted. Then I noticed that little Alice was actually holding a plastic compass.
"You gotta be kidding me." I mumbled to myself but Brittany heard me and chuckled.
"Nope." She said and I rolled my eyes. I watched as little Alice took her place between Brittany's legs again and started to draw circles. She actually managed to do it, with Brittany's help, and I groaned.
"I don't even know how to hold that thing." I whined. Alice giggled and Brittany laughed at me making me huff. Then her phone started to ring, which was next to me on the couch. I grabbed it to give it to her but she didn't take it.
"Who is it?" She asked me and continued drawing circles with Alice. So I looked down to see that her sister was calling her.
"Anna." I said. Brittany and Alice finished the circle they were doing before Brittany got up. She gestured for me to take over as she was getting her phone from me and I looked at her with disbelief. But she shrugged and left, leaving me with little Alice. So I took Brittany's place on the floor behind the kid. "Ok, show me." I said. Little Alice was still bouncing up and down excitedly.
"No." She said and dropped the instrument. "Let's dance!" She squealed turning to face me. I arched my eyebrows in surprise.
"Well, that was fast." I whispered to myself. Little Alice grabbed my hand and tugged me so I would stand up. "Ok." I breathed. "What do we do?" I asked and looked around, having no idea what I should do.
"We want music." Alice told me and I turned to look at her going towards Brittany who was in the kitchen and just ended the call. "Music." She told her. Brittany looked at me and smirked and I rolled my eyes at her.
"What song?" Brittany asked. Alice seemed to be thinking about it, still bouncing excitedly.
"La bomba!" She exclaimed then, making me arch my eyebrows in surprise.
"La bomba?" I asked as Brittany went to the stereo next to the TV and shuffled on her IPod. After a few seconds the song started playing and I chuckled. "You can't be serious." I said amused and Brittany came to me as little Alice started dancing around. "Do you even know what the lyrics say?" I asked her and she shrugged letting me know that she didn't care. She grabbed my waist and tugged me so I was standing next to Alice.
"Dance." She breathed against my ear, effectively making me drop my smile.
"Ok." I mumbled. I tried the moves that little Alice was doing but I wasn't getting it right most of the time. So Brittany came and stood right behind me, guiding my body so I would be doing the choreography right.
"So you meant it when you said you couldn't dance." Brittany said amused and I groaned. "Someone would think that with that body you'd be a great dancer." She said then and I rolled my eyes.
"Should I be offended or flattered by that?" I asked her and she turned me around and tugged me closer to her, still moving our bodies with the rhythm.
"You should be flattered. Because you're great." She said looking directly in my eyes. But before I could say anything little Alice squeezed herself between Brittany and I and looked up at us.
"You're doing it wrong." She told me frowning. I pouted at her but her face remained still. "Again." She said looking at Brittany and the tall blonde arched her eyebrows at her daughter. "Please." Little Alice added and Brittany nodded. She winked at me before going to the stereo again, restarting the song.
"It's on repeat." She told me and sucked her lips trying not to laugh and I huffed at her. But then she looked like she just remembered something. "Oh Anna and Jake will come by in a bit." She said but before I had time to say anything Alice tugged my hand to turn me around and away from Brittany.
I stood next to the little blonde, trying to mimic her moves. After five times of repeating the same song I managed to learn the choreography by heart, but that didn't mean that we should stop. It only meant that the song would change. Brittany didn't dance with us, she was just watching me in amusement. I would glare at her at times but she didn't seem to be bothered by it. She actually found it even more amusing.
But I enjoyed my time with the little blonde. She seemed to be so happy just by dancing. Although her breathing problem was becoming more and more visible as the time went by, she was still carefree and cheerful. The song changed again and I could see the little blonde that she wanted to keep dancing but she was also really tired. So I picked her up and kept dancing by myself causing her to giggle uncontrollably.
"Tana!" She squealed smiling brightly at me. I smiled back and the little blonde poked my dimples, something she probably found very amusing. I turned around on the spot for a couple of times, effectively making myself dizzy. "Stop, stop!" Alice squealed between her giggling and heavy breathing.
And so I finally let myself sit on the ground with little Alice still in my arms. I was breathing heavily too, apparently holding Alice and dancing at the same time was really tiring.
"God, you're heavy." I told her and she whined.
"I'm not!" Alice protested and I made a face at her, causing her to giggle again.
"I'm hungry all of a sudden. I should eat something." I said and grabbed her tiny body so she couldn't run away. "And my favorite food is little girls!" I exclaimed then and pretended that I was going to eat her tummy and neck. Little Alice squealed and giggled and tried to get away from my grasp but when she realized that I was stronger than her she pushed me down, causing me to stop.
I fully laid on the floor and little Alice shuffled on me so she was straddling my stomach. Just then the music stopped but I didn't bother to sit up, I was still trying to catch my breath to be able to speak to Brittany, who obviously was the one who turned the music off. I had totally forgotten that the tall blonde was there too. Little Alice finally let herself to lie on top of me, still straddling my stomach and rested her head on my chest.
"I need to sleep." She mumbled and I looked down to see that she had her eyes closed. Her energy seemed to vanish abruptly. I brought my hands up and rubbed her back, causing her to hum. I reached down and kissed the top of her head before relaxing on the floor again. I thought Alice had fallen asleep because her breaths evened out but she spoke up again. "I love you, Tana." She mumbled causing my eyes to widen. I stared at the ceiling for long moments, not really believing that this little angel, Brittany's daughter, told me that she loved me. I stayed like that, staring at the ceiling, until I felt the weight of the kid disappearing from the top of me. I looked down to see that Brittany had picked her up. I immediately stood up, ignoring the burning at my legs.
"Did you hear that?" I whispered looking at Brittany with still wide eyes. She was looking at me with her usual expressionless face.
"Yes." She simply said and I frowned at her. "You don't feel the same?" She asked me and my eyes widened once again. I looked at the little blonde, who was sleeping in Brittany's arms, with her head on her mother's shoulder.
"Of course I do." I said.
"Then why didn't you tell her?" She asked me frowning and I understood what the problem was. Brittany wanted to protect the kid because she thought I didn't love her too. It made sense that she was so protective, little Alice already had a father who didn't care about her.
"She caught me by surprise. She's so easy to love, Britt." I said and Brittany bit her bottom lip. "I would do anything for her, you know that. I love her so much." I said then. Almost as much as I love you, I thought but didn't say it out loud. I didn't want to freak her out. I was actually freaking out myself because I had never felt that strongly about anyone and acknowledging it wasn't easy.
I suddenly felt soft lips against mine. I didn't even realize that Brittany had leaned in to connect our lips. But the way Brittany kissed me wasn't soft. She was trying to convey whatever she couldn't say with words. Gratitude.
…
Little Alice was sleeping in her bedroom and Brittany and I were sitting in the living room in silence. The blonde was on her stomach, lying on the couch and facing me. I was sitting on the floor by her side, trying to decide how to start.
"Britt, I have to tell you something." I mumbled then and rubbed the back of my neck nervously.
"What's wrong?" She asked me frowning.
"My dad isn't as sincere as you think he is." I said and she arched her eyebrows at me. "I don't think he's really sorry about what he did to you." I added. I decided to be honest with Brittany, I didn't want my father to be a reason for Brittany to lose her trust to me.
"Ok." She said and I frowned at her.
"Ok? You don't care?" I asked her.
"Why should I care? The guilt's on him. If he isn't sorry then it's his fucking problem. I would never do something like that to anyone." She shrugged.
"But he's addicted." I mumbled and Brittany leaned her weight on her elbows.
"He's addicted at gambling, not at being an asshole." She told me angrily and I frowned.
"That's my dad you're talking about, Britt." I told her and she huffed.
"Just because he's a father doesn't make him automatically a good man, San." She said and I sighed. Brittany was right, and the perfect example would be Sam.
"Look, I don't want to fight with you about him. It's unfair. I just thought I should tell you that he isn't really sorry." I shrugged and turned to lean my back on the couch and sighed.
"Well, it's great that you're taking his side." She told me and huffed, causing me to turn quickly around again.
"I'm not taking his side." I said frowning but Brittany didn't say anything. "Baby, I'm with you." I said and Brittany laid fully on the couch again. "I'm not talking to him until he tells my mom about it." I told her then and she arched her eyebrows at me.
"That means that he'll tell her about me too." She mumbled.
"Not if you tell her first." I shrugged and Brittany hummed. "Are you mad?" I asked her then and poked her arm that was in front of me.
"I'm not mad. I'm just confused with your dad." She said and I frowned questioningly at her. "I don't understand where he stops being addicted and starts being an asshole." She told me and I snorted.
"I think it's always a mixture of both." I mumbled. I understood that what he did to Brittany was because he was addicted but not being sorry about it, was just him being mean. I sighed and got up from the floor and sat by Brittany's side on the couch. "I'm sorry for what he did to you." I told her and started rubbing her back over her tank top, causing her to hum.
"Don't be, it's not your fault." She said quietly. Her tank top risen up from my movements and the start of her tattoo on her lower back appeared.
"Can I see this again?" I dared to whisper and Brittany just nodded at me. I pushed her tank top up and away so the whole tattoo was on display.
I traced my fingers on the two saintly angels. Their imposing wings and halos made the tattoo look holy and supernal. Under the first one there was written 'George' and under the other one there was written 'Lysanne' with cursive letters. And under that there was a ribbon with the date 'July 13th, 2001' on it. I couldn't imagine what it would feel like losing your parents when you were just fourteen. Brittany might felt that her whole world had crumbled down. And she had to take care of her sister too. When I was fourteen I couldn't take care of myself.
I remembered Brittany telling me that she drew her tattoos by herself. I figured that was how Brittany saw her parents, like they were her guardian angels. Pure, peaceful, serene. Giving her strength and protecting her.
She never told me how she felt, she never even told me how they died. I had so many questions about what happened next but I didn't ask, I knew she would tell me by herself when she would be ready.
"San?" Brittany called, breaking me out of my thoughts. I looked up to see that she had her eyes closed. I hummed to let her know that I heard her and tugged her tank top down again. But before she could say anything there was a knock on the door. Just then I remembered that Brittany had told me that Anna and Jake would come over. The blonde groaned while getting up from the couch, she gave me a peck and then went to answer the door. I thought that I would never get tired of her kisses, that the time when I wouldn't want one would never come.
Brittany opened the door and greeted her sister and her sister's boyfriend. I knew that Brittany was trying to like Jake for her sister's sake. But I remembered her telling me that there would never be someone good enough for her sister. Brittany was the definition of protectiveness when it came to her family.
"Hi." Both Anna and Jake told me when they came in and I smiled at them. They were still twenty and still studying.
"Is the kid sleeping?" Anna asked and both Brittany and I nodded at her. "Well, guess what." She told us and came to sit on the couch next to me. She gestured to what Jake was holding.
"Beers?" Brittany asked and came to sit on the floor on the other side of the coffee table. She started tidying what she and Alice were writing earlier.
"Yes!" Anna exclaimed cheerfully as Jake came to sit on my other side on the couch. "Let's play something." Anna added and Brittany snorted.
"Do I look like a teenager to you?" Brittany asked and I chuckled as Anna rolled her eyes. The older blonde stood up again and went to the kitchen. Anna turned to me.
"Do something." She told me frowning and I frowned back. "She thinks we're kids." She told me and I chuckled.
"Aren't you?" I asked her and she huffed. "Ok, ok." I said and held my hands up defensively. I got up from the couch and went in the kitchen where Brittany was. She was tidying the sheets and compasses and calculators in a drawer. "Hey, babe." I said and she turned to me with an arched eyebrow.
"I'm not getting drunk with my sister." She told me immediately and I rolled my eyes at her.
"It's just a beer." I said pointedly and she shrugged.
"She's still a kid." She said.
"Come on!" I whined. "You should have fun with her. You're no fun." I mumbled.
"I know that, honey." She fake smiled at me and I glared at her. "Alright, just a beer." She finally said and I smirked at her.
"You're so easy." I told her. She definitely wasn't easy. She rolled her eyes at me and grabbed my hand to tug me in the living room again. Brittany sat opposite her sister and I sat opposite Jake on the floor, the coffee table between us.
"I honestly cannot believe this." Anna mumbled while she took the beers from Jake and gave one to everybody. "What did you do to my sister?" She asked me and Brittany snorted.
"Do you want me to leave?" She asked and Anna immediately shook her head.
"No, no. Let's play never have I ever."Anna said and Brittany frowned.
"Teenagers." She mumbled and I shuffled closer to her and grabbed her hand to get her attention.
"Don't be mean." I whispered in her ear and she rolled her eyes before nodding.
"Ok, go first." Anna told Jake, who was obviously intimidated by Brittany. He seemed to be thinking about it.
"Never have I ever cried at a funeral." He said and I wondered if he didn't know that their parents were dead. Or maybe he was that nervous that his brain wasn't working. I drank from my beer anyway, because I did cry at the funeral of Quinn's grandfather seven years ago. Anna drank too, probably she cried at the funeral of her own parents. But Brittany didn't drink, effectively confirming my suspicions that she hadn't dealt with her parents' loss yet. Her face was expressionless but I was sure that she was sad just like her sister. So I quickly changed the subject to lighten the mood again.
"Never have I ever made a blonde joke." I said and both Brittany and Anna looked at me glaring. "What? I haven't." I said defensively.
"Well thanks." Brittany mumbled and I shrugged at her. Jake drank from his beer, making Anna to hit him on his arm.
"They're funny, babe." He protested, rubbing his arm. "They're jokes." He said and rolled his eyes before catching Brittany's death glare.
"Your turn." I said and nudged Brittany's shoulder with mine, before he could rip Jake apart.
"Ok." She breathed and seemed to be thinking about it. "Never have I ever failed a course." She said looking at Anna pointedly. The younger blonde rolled her eyes before taking a sip from her beer, Jake did the same. Brittany turned to me to see that I didn't drink from mine. "See Jake, now this one's a successful lawyer." She said gesturing at me and I arched an eyebrow.
"You're studying law?" I asked him and he nodded at me.
"Are you a lawyer?" He asked me and I nodded. "What area?"
"Family law." I said and felt Brittany's hand grabbing mine and entwining our fingers. She was probably thinking about the trial so I squeezed her hand to remind her that everything was fine. Jake nodded at me.
"Just for the record, I was sick the day of the exam." Anna said then and Brittany rolled her eyes.
"Being hangover is not an illness." She said pointedly and I chuckled. Anna huffed.
"It was the last party of the year." Anna said defensively and then looked at me. "Just so you know, she spent her summers doing math shit until she got pregnant so…" She trailed off and shrugged and I laughed out loud.
"Hey, I was a dedicated student." Brittany protested. "At least I had fun and passed all my courses." She shrugged too and Anna huffed.
"Lots of fun." She said sarcastically and Brittany arched an eyebrow at her, causing her to deflate. "And I'll pass too." She defended herself. "Anyway, never have I ever… had someone sing to me." She said and both Brittany and I took a sip, still holding hands. The one that sang to me was Brittany, and when I turned to her the look she sent me let me one that the one that sang to her was me.
"I'll sing to you." Jake said then and Anna smiled at him. Brittany cleared her throat to ruin their moment and she succeeded since her sister glared at her and Jake rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Never have I ever cheated on someone." He said then and I groaned taking a sip, the same time Brittany did. I pointed at her and she shrugged.
"Never liked Liz. She was trying too much." Anna mumbled and I arched an eyebrow.
"You cheated on her?" I asked Brittany and she nodded biting her bottom lip. I clicked my tongue at her.
"Like you're one to talk." Anna said teasingly.
"I was young and naïve." I said defensively and Anna shrugged.
"We're young too." She said.
"Exactly, you're still young. You never know." Brittany said and shrugged.
"Age doesn't mean anything." Jake spoke up. "If you find the one, it doesn't matter how old you are." He said and looked at Brittany. The older blonde stared at him before nodding her head slowly.
"Fair enough." She said, making the couple smile.
"Ok, my turn." I spoke up then and thought about it for a few seconds. "Never have I ever been caught while sneaking out." I said and watched as Anna was the only one to take a sip from her beer. Brittany was shaking her head at her sister.
"Not again." Anna groaned and I arched an eyebrow.
"You still didn't tell me where you wanted to go." Brittany said and Anna rolled her eyes.
"I won't tell you until you stop whining about it." She said.
"I'm not whining. I wasn't about to let you go out at night in New York. How old were you? Fifteen?" She asked and Anna shrugged.
"It's not like you didn't do it." Anna said and Brittany narrowed her eyes.
"You and me are not the same, Anna." She told her sister. Anna narrowed her eyes back and was about to speak but I beat her to it.
"Don't fight. It's your turn." I told Brittany, tugging her hand to bring it on my lap, and she sighed. She threw one last warning look at her sister who was doing that thing that always confused me. She tried being angry with Brittany but she was actually sad about it.
"Never have I ever meant it when I said 'I love you' to someone that I was in a relationship with." Brittany said then. I stared at her, not taking a sip and she stared back. Jake and Anna took a sip before Anna spoke up.
"Wow, you two deserve each other. Lying that you love people and then cheating on them." She clicked her tongue and shook her head. I shrugged at Brittany and she shrugged back while shuffling even closer to me.
"Do you think we deserve each other?" She whispered in my ear.
"Yes. But not because of that." I told her.
"Then what?" She wondered and I shrugged.
"I don't know. That's just the way it is." I mumbled causing Brittany to lean forward and kiss me. But it didn't last for long because Anna spoke up.
"Hey, there are kids around." She said teasingly and Brittany pulled back and glared at her. But Anna just shrugged. "Never have I ever…" She trailed off and thought about it. "Had a fuck buddy." She said. Nobody took a sip and I rolled my eyes.
"Fuck it." I breathed and drank the rest of my beer. When I looked at Brittany again she had her eyebrow arched at me. "Young and naïve." I mumbled again and she shook her head.
"Alright, that's enough. Let's watch a movie." She said while dropping my hand and standing up and I frowned at her. Was she mad that I had a fuck buddy? Maybe it wasn't one, but it was so many years ago.
Everybody agreed to watch the movie Colombiana. I probably watched that movie six times but I didn't have any problem watching it again and again. We settled on the couch, Anna and Jake on one side of the couch and I sat on the other side of the couch. Brittany went to the kitchen to throw away the bottles of beer that we drank and when she came back I thought she wouldn't sit next to me because she was mad. But she surprised me by sitting right next to me and then she started the movie. I frowned because I was confused. Was she mad or not? I decided to ask her.
"Are you mad?" I asked whispering and she turned to me frowning.
"No, why would I be mad?" She asked me back and grabbed my legs to drape them over hers. I was staring at her.
"Why did you stop the game then?" I asked and watched her face as she realized what I was talking about.
"Because my sister said 'fuck'." She told me and I arched my eyebrows at her.
"So what?" I asked and she shrugged, turning to look at the movie again. "Britt, I thought you were joking before. She's twenty, she's not a baby. When you were twenty weren't you saying 'fuck'?" I asked her.
"It's different." She mumbled still not looking at me.
"It really isn't." I said and she huffed.
"I also didn't want to know about people fucking you or you fucking other people." She said it like she was telling me the weather, causing me to choke on nothing.
"Hey, are you ok?" Anna asked me from the other side of the couch, oblivious to the conversation I was having with Brittany, and I managed to say 'yes'. I turned to Brittany again to see that she was watching the movie, but I could tell that she wasn't really paying attention to it. I clicked my tongue and turned to the TV too.
"Fucking fucked up." Brittany said once I relaxed against her and I rolled my eyes. I turned to her and covered her mouth with my hand.
"Will you stop saying that?" I asked her quietly and she waggled her eyebrows up and down at me.
"Why?" She asked, her voice muffled because of my hand. I was really enjoying this side of Brittany, although she was teasing me.
"Just stop." I mumbled. She caused me to not be able to think anything else but 'fucking' her. "Your sister's more mature than you." I said and she snorted. I glared at her and she held her hands up defensively. So I removed my hand from her mouth and relaxed against her again.
"Ok." She whispered and put her arm around me and tugged me even closer to her. "But seriously, I can't help it, San." She told me and I frowned questioningly at her. "Anna will always be a baby to me." She mumbled and I sighed.
"She obviously doesn't like that." I said. Brittany looked at her sister before turning back to me.
"San, I think she feels guilty." She told me.
"About what?" I wondered and Brittany took a deep breath.
"That I had to take care of her. She never said anything and that's good cause I definitely don't want to have that conversation with her." She told me. What Brittany said made absolute sense, if Anna was feeling guilty it would explain that she was sad every time their past would come up but she was getting angry to hide it.
"But you have to talk about it." I frowned but Brittany shrugged dismissively at me.
"Anyway." She said then, letting me know that that conversation was over. You really couldn't force the blonde to talk about something that she didn't want to talk about. And I definitely didn't want to push her. So I sighed and turned to watch the rest of the movie.
…
"So..." Brittany trailed off and sat next to me on the couch. Anna and Jake had just left. I would leave too, although I didn't want to. But it was late and I had work in the morning. So I stood up but Brittany stood too and grabbed my arm, turning me to face her.
"Britt." I groaned.
"I want to ask you something." She told me seriously, effectively getting my attention.
"Ok." I said slowly, turning to see her swallowing thickly.
"Do I have you, San?" She asked me and I frowned, not understanding what she was really asking.
"What do you mean?" I wondered. Brittany shrugged and looked away from me.
"I mean that if I have you then I won't care about your fuck buddies." She said and I arched my eyebrows in surprise at her question, staring at her. But she was still not looking at me.
"You most definitely have me." I said quietly and Brittany finally looked at me. She surprised me by sliding her hands on my back and tugged me so there wasn't any space between our bodies.
"Good, cause I want you so much." She whispered, our faces only a few inches from each other's. Her hooded blue eyes were full of lust and desire, causing my mouth to go dry. She glanced down at my lips and I looked at her pierced lips too.
"Do I have you?" I asked with a raspy voice. But Brittany didn't answer with words, she just leaned forward and kissed me, letting me know that her answer was 'yes' too.
I honestly didn't want to have that conversation with Brittany and I was glad that she didn't want to have it either. Because I didn't want to know with how many people she had sex with and how many people had touched her. And I didn't want to tell her how many people had touched me. It was enough for me to know that now she was mine and apparently it was enough for her too. And at that moment, with Brittany's pierced lips on mine, it didn't matter about anyone else. It was just her and me and what we had.
And that night I fell asleep happy. Because I had spent my day making Alice giggle. And because little Alice told me that she loved me. And because no matter what happened in the past and what the future held for us, I knew that Brittany was mine and I was hers.