Hello to everyone who is still out there reading and waiting for this.
I have to say that I'm very sorry and ashamed for leaving you in blank for so many months, my last update was in February I think, so I'm deeply sorry and it won't happen again. My life suffered big changes since then and even when now I'm not in my prime I feel good to go on with this story till the end. For you who are wondering how many chapters are left, the last one will be the Chapter 28. So it's not a long way to go, and I'm very happy for seeing that some of you are still waiting for updates and to this story to end, and it will end, don't worry, I know I had said the same other times but now being so close to the closure, it's needed to be done. So don't worry and have a little patience, please, and thank you, thank you really from the bottom of my heart.
Now let's go on with the reviews left to Chapter 22:
Massu Chan: I'm very glad that you liked the chapter! Surely I would have appreciated the big hug you wanted to give me ;). I hope you're still liking the story so far and that I could make a part of your day :). There are somehow those moments you love in this one, I think, ha, ha. Writing the part of Shikamaru, Temari and Kankurou was funny indeed, and Gaara, Gaara is very nice to write to me. I like him too, after Sasuke of course ;). Don't worry, you'll soon find out what happened to Sasuke and your petition is granted in this chapter! Let's see if another Uchiha baby comes along or not ha, ha. Have a great day you too :) and thanks to you!
hikari98: I'm happy you like the story and that it almost make you cry :), then my job is well done! Thank you for your sincere and kind words about it, we'll know what Sasuke is thinking, don't worry, sooner or later, and then we'll see what will happen to this little family ;). There will be a part from Sasuke POV but it's still not the time, but don't worry, you'll have it ;) and I'll try to update sooner. You'll have to wait to see if Sasuke is mute and sick the rest of his life, but you'll have an answer, don't worry ;). Thanks for liking my writing and for your kind and sincere opinion of the story, I really try hard to keep it intersting and that's why I put a twist or at least I try it. I love long chapters personally too ;). Don't be sorry for asking me when I'm going to update, your last private message really made me good :) so don't feel bad :), thanks for it! Thank you :)!
Kaelin The Black Swan: Thank you so much for your honest reviews and I'm sorry it's being complicated to you :) and that Sakura cries so much, but I guess the situation had gotten her like this. Anyway thanks for taking time to reading it and reviewing, have a very nice day ;). Thank you!
C.A.M.E.O.1 and Only: I couldn't help to laugh when I read your review. Yeah, sometimes Miyu is like you said ha, ha, I have some difficulties with including her in the story, because in fact I hadn't been around kids and I don't know a lot about them for first hand, that's probably why I wrote that Sakura thought she was as smart as Shikamaru was when he was a kid ;). And about Miyu saying that she wanted a sibling, yeah, it didn't went well, that's what I tried to correct her words in the chapter. Like I say, I dont' have experience with kids :). Anyway, I thought that maybe she was like his good dead uncle Itachi, and I didn't see it weirder than it is because a seven year old finished the ninja school and then he was at eight years old a Chunnin. Ha, ha, I don't know, maybe I'm just out of that specific area ;) or I don't know exactly anything about age. Thank you for your review, really! It made me laugh ;) and feel ashamed ho, ho.
thinkthoughts: Thanks to you :)! I'm glad you like it! I hope to see you around again ;).
xx-tenshi-xx: I'm prepare for the negativity, don't worry and like I had always said, I enjoy reading your reviews :). Yeah, I know that Sakura hadn't really acted very good all along the story like Sasuke and I'm impressed how you ressumed their actions in short words in the entire story. I really enjoyed reading it completely :) and I'm sorry for making you so angry about what happens in each chapter, but I'll wait to see what your opinion is till the end, if you still want to read and leave a review I'll be thankful :). Thank you for taking time to write what you really think and especially if you don't like either of the both. I'm a little worried for what it's going to happen in the next chapters :S. Thank you ;)!
ciel kazu: I'm sorry for taking so long to update! I'm glad you liked the wedding night scene and it will be more SasuSaku from now on ;). Yeah, Sasuke is a jerk :). Good luck to you and have a nice day :)! Thank you!
AVAuchiha: Thank you for loving the story :)! Yeah, bittersweetness is the word I guess. You have your first wish granted ;), the other one will have to wait ;) and the last one... we'll see ;). It's was funny and amusing to write the sand sibling argument and I wasn't very sure about it, but I loved it :) and especially when Temari kisses Gaara on the cheek. I'll update sooner I promise! Thank you!
Akasuna no bharath: Thank you for reading it despite the lenght! I'm a person of long chapters as you can see, excepting the first ones ;), I know what you mean, I had to read parts of the story and the last chapter before writing the next one to get the vibe, I'm glad that you think the story hadn't lost its power :). I tried to answer to the reviews sent to me :) and I'll try to do it always becuase I really like to read them to see what you think and because you all are pressure to me to update, ha, ha! You have your question answered here, at least a little ;). Thank you!
sonia: Don't worry :) for not reading it sooner, I understand, forgive me for not updating as soon as I promised! Yeah, I thought that giving you an idea of how long the story is you'll feel more at ease about it :). You're right about Sasuke! You'll soon find out what the real cause of his sickness is, don't worry, and we'll see what end expects for him and Sakura too. There will be a Sasuke POV in one moment, don't worry, but it will be, and I'll try to let you all see what was going through his mind in short way all the story. About the other baby, we'll see ;). I'll continue it, don't worry, just be patient with me ;) and keep pressuring me! Thank you!
sasusaku: I'm so so so sorry for not updating sooner! I promise it won't take long again ;)! It will be finished don't worry, I want to finish it before the manga ends anyway, ha, ha. About the Council... yeah, they'll deserve to be killed even for something they're going to do in some time but we'll have to wait ;), thank you for reminding me about the tattoo, I had almost forgotten it! You'll have to wait if he will be healed but don't worry, I'll try to keep it updated sooner :). Thank you!
If I forgot someone please forgive me and tell me in the next chapter's reviews :)! Then here you have the new chapter :). See you next time.
Chapter 23
Talking
"Everything is almost ready."
Temari said sighing tiredly and closing her green eyes while her friend stared at her with a smile creeping into her face.
"I can't believe almost a month had gone after Shikamaru proposed to you that weird night."
The blond sand sibling chuckled as she looked at the green eyed medic nin in front of her playing with the spoon inside her tea absently. She surely had her attention put on Temari but this one could see by that mere unconscious act of distraction that something was going on deeply inside her friend's mind.
"Weird night? Yeah, indeed. Don't remind me." Temari paused rolling her eyes as Sakura amused chuckled remembering it. "God, that was a weird night indeed. I never thought that Shikamaru's proposal was going to happen in that way and in fact, I never thought he was going to be the one proposing. I had always believed that I was going to be the one proposing to him after years and years of relationship."
Temari laughed joyfully with that special and unexplainable glint in her eyes that Sakura had seen many times before in other women who were going to marry, the same shining spark of someone who is in love and is loved in reciprocity. She felt her attention drifting away after a blink of her jade eyes.
"Then the celebration and drinking came and Kankurou got drunk and the next morning he had a hangover of the size of the Land of the Wind." Sakura laughed having fun with the memories while part of herself drifted off to that spot within her soul where she was staying since days and nights ago. "I couldn't drink because of this one." Temari said rubbing her swollen belly of almost five months sweetly, something that it was unique to see in her. "Sasuke couldn't drink either because he's under meds."
"I drank a little. I didn't want to lose my mind." Sakura said chuckling and knowing what she really meant. And if I lose my mind I would surely do something stupid once more. She tried to not be entranced in the inner thoughts plaguing her mind. "I have to say that it was a little… strange to see Gaara drunk. And Shikamaru too."
"Yeah, you're right." Temari said shivering amused as she and Sakura laughed. "Believe me that I won't ever forget my two little brothers and my fiancée drinking and singing hung to each other." Temari rolled her eyes and her friend chuckled. "But it was the first time Gaara was like that and I have to say that even feeling twisted it was good."
"Yeah, I know what you mean." Sakura smiled. "You're happy for him."
"After everything that happened for so many years, I cannot be more than grateful and happy for having him together with Kankurou. When I look back at the first years of our live" Temari stopped shocking her head and sighing with furrowed brow and letting out a deep breathe. "I don't know. Dammit."
Temari blinked away some tears and she dried her tears and cleared her throat.
"It's ok." Sakura said smiling. "It's natural to be emotional in your state, believe me."
After a brief pause when Temari had calmed down she spoke again.
"I know it's this momma's boy's fault." She said looking down at her grown belly. "What was weird too was the fact that your bright daughter told me that I was going to have a boy." Sakura chuckled nodding. "And the fact that she wants a baby brother or sister."
Sakura nodded with calm and thoughtful face and Temari noticed the effect of the words on her.
"She's little but I think she connects the idea of siblings." Sakura said with a smile hiding her real thoughts and feelings over the issue. The oldest sand sibling chuckled staring at her preoccupied and understanding. "She sees her other friends with brothers and sisters and it's natural for her to want one."
"Sakura, is everything ok?"
The medic nin was caught off guard with her question but she nodded with a soft smile. Temari had noticed her changing mood and musings the last days even when Sakura hadn't given it a lot of attention in purpose remembering why she felt inwardly coward and stupid.
"If you want to talk about anything, you know you can count on me. I dare to say that since our sort of engagement you have been acting strangely."
It was Sakura's time to shake her head immediately with a big smile and easy chuckle. She didn't want to say to her friend who had all the right to be happy that her happiness had opened her eyes and the realization was killing her within. It had been so ironic to found out how she had done the things wrongly just because Temari and Shikamaru were going to marry. She stopped her train of thought focusing in the worried face of her friend.
"I'm just nostalgic. I remember my wedding day and it was so perfect." What a lie or at least, half lie. Sakura saddened inwardly although she didn't show it to Temari who luckily seemed to buy it when her furrowed brow softened. "A wedding is such a pretty thing."
Temari laughed hard after the pink haired medic nin sighed deeply with dreamy eyes that she somehow found forced. Anyway if she didn't want to tell her yet she wasn't going to insist.
"For someone as you sure it is in that way. I would have been happy with just a simple wedding. But Kankurou had to say otherwise."
Temari rolled her eyes and it was Sakura's turn to laugh.
"Well the big sister of the Kazekage is going to marry and with a member of one of the most famous clans of one of the allies of the Land of Wind and Sunagakure. You really deserve a big wedding even more impressive than mine." Temari chuckled and Sakura grinned wondering then how the wedding of Gaara would be. "At least you don't have to worry for the preparations to do; you have plenty of people working for you counting with Kankurou."
"And for what I barely know the wedding is going to be big and fancy, you can assure that. Sometimes I think is Kankurou's revenge on me and Shikamaru for the unexpected pregnancy. My little brother doesn't get bored in annoying my fiancée at all."
Sakura broke into fits of laughter remembering that it was very true indeed. Poor Shikamaru was going and coming between the two villages and Kankurou didn't leave him in peace enough. Gaara by the other hand had acted more maturely even being the younger of the two brothers and just was over Shikamaru in silence like if he thought that the Nara heir was thinking secretly in running away and not attending his own wedding. It was obvious not only for the bride that the groom was not into the like of big celebrations and being so busy with things as a wedding demanded. Anyway it was obvious to Sakura that Temari was really excited and happy for the upcoming wedding even if it was too much for her own like, but a wedding was a wedding after all for most women in the world. Sakura drank from her steaming mug and then she kept her jade eyes fixed on the hot liquid drifting in her inner musings. Shikamaru's entrance into the kitchen caught her lost attention and Temari smirked happily at her soon husband.
"Hey, what's up?"
Shikamaru shrugged with his easygoing attitude and sat down besides the pregnant blonde sighing tiredly.
"Kankurou told me he's going to come back with me tomorrow to Konoha." Temari chuckled funnily and Shikamaru rolled his eyes as the pink haired observer snorted amused. She couldn't be more grateful to her friends for bringing her joy in her gloomy days of thoughtfulness demanding her to recognize her tormented inner self.
"So, it's going to be fun." Temari said shrugging and still wearing an amused and funny lopsided smirk. Her fiancée rolled his eyes again. "A little trip with your brother-in-law. At least Gaara isn't going too."
Shikamaru furrowed his brow before taking a smoking mug of tea. Sakura was pretty sure he was thankful that his other brother-in-law was someone as important as the Kazekage and leader of the village of Sunagakure who were busy with his obligations and duties. Anyway she was sure too that Shikamaru was going to enjoy the two different personalities of his soon brothers-in-law.
"It's so troublesome to prepare a wedding."
"What did you expect of marrying the older sister of the Kazekage?"
Sakura cut in amused and smirking gladly and she received a frowning from the groom. He yawned and it was obvious the boredom he felt when things related to the preparations came.
"Thank heavens I'm pregnant. I'll just wait for everything to be ready."
Temari smirked with mockery and drank from her steaming mug.
"Lucky you. It's not fair."
"Sorry honey, but I'm the one carrying your son and that's a busy work, the least you can do is to prepare our marvelous wedding. We can change places next time."
Temari said joking and laughing having true delight in fun. Shikamaru smirked.
"I'm satisfied with only improving your good mood."
"Oh, that's so sweet."
Temari said chuckling amused and Shikamaru rolled his eyes smirking and then he looked at her swollen belly and gestured at it.
"My mother is brimming in happiness like you. She cannot wait to have him in her arms."
Temari smiled widely and chuckled and unconsciously she put her hand on his forearm and pressed it playfully. Shikamaru gave her a simple smirk and he looked simply glad. The medic nin remained quiet and absent staring at her friends and with the attention needed to finish her tea. Somehow she felt saddened. Why it was? She remembered she knew it but she couldn't really unravel it now, not now when she was there with the happy and unique couple and they started to talk in their own way about the wedding's preparations that were unfinished. Sakura nodded and smiled and chuckled when they turned to her talking things that sounded foreign to her right now and just because in a normal chat you usually look at the specters as a common behavior. She stayed there on her chair listening to things she didn't understand lost in her own thoughts and pretending attention, feeling like the worst person in the world for doing this to her friends, for being so sad for their happiness, for being so distracted from their life. I'm a terrible friend. She thought sadly and inwardly with her eyes burning but finding herself strangely unable to drop a single rebel tear. Not anymore. I'm done crying. There's nothing good at it. I cannot change anything being the same old cry baby I was. I'm tired and sick of it. I need to stop moping around the same old thing; I need to focus in what's important. For the long moment she remained there in the kitchen of the sand siblings staring at the true and happy display of behaviors of her friends she watched over and over the real, simple and true connection linking them and it crushed something inside her deepest heart of hearts. It was true that Shikamaru and Temari weren't exactly a couple who showed their love and affection in public as others like Naruto and Hinata for example, she had barely seen them holding hands or kissing and still they were so obviously in love. As she had seen their connection was real in spite of their own personalities and beliefs, it was simple to feel, understand and see, and completely true, as true as the fact of needing air to keep on living. They didn't need to be seen hugging, kissing or holding hands, in their own space and normal communication, even the silent one and the mockery and sassy comments, they were real, simple and true, they were a couple in love. They loved each other and they were happy for their upcoming wedding and the soon baby they were going to care and love despite the fanciness of the circumstances. They simply were what she wanted and she wasn't. They were the real thing and she was a pretense. They had what she had always wished for, just like what Naruto and Hinata had, just like what Neji and Tenten had, just like what Sai and Ino had. And that knowledge was breaking silently and quietly her heart and was tearing apart her resolution and forcing her to realize her biggest mistake. That simple realization was opening her forced closed eyes and was dispelling the blindness she had chosen to wear to save the man she loved and give her daughter a home and family even if it wasn't the real thing.
And the last days since Sasuke had approached her that fateful afternoon before the dinner where Shikamaru and Temari had chosen to unite their separate paths and form a home and family, those last nights and days flooded her mind and soul, crushed her heart and untied her contained feelings, thoughts and emotions forcing her to see the truth with her eyes wide opened and her battered heart struggling against her troubled mind. I should have listened better to Kakashi-sensei that time. But I always chose him above all the things and even myself. Was I really selfish? Was I really such a dreamer?
They waved goodbye to Temari as she was standing happily on the doorframe and inside her house the laughs and loud voices of Shikamaru and Kankurou could still be heard from outside. Sakura chuckled before turning around to follow her husband who was carrying a sleeping Miyu strongly in his arms and she listened when Temari entered the building and closed the door behind her. Her emerald eyes looked up at the night sky filled with bright stars and the glowing moon hovering above their heads while the sound of their footsteps were listened along with the common noises of the midnight time of the village. She couldn't help to feel happy and in good mood, the dinner had ended perfectly and all the experience had been so delightful to watch despite the rough beginning. She bowed her head stopping her dreamingly stargazing and stared then at the back of her husband who was just a few steps ahead of her with their daughter in arms. She was pretty sure that Sasuke had had fun too and she couldn't help to be pulled into the romantic moment they had shared hours before. She wondered what could have happened if Kankurou hadn't interrupted them. Somehow she feared the answer and some part of her longed for the smallest opportunity against it. Other part of her smacked her inwardly for the foolish thoughts that came along with the wondering. She knew what she had asked of him regarding that specific topic, didn't she? But dreaming didn't have a cost, so, why she couldn't dream? She was always doing it anyway when Sasuke was related. She sighed deeply within herself staring longingly at the young man in front of her and she bit her lower lip remembering how different that moment seemed to be from others. Could it mean something? Really mean something else besides the common and regular Sasuke thing? The hopeful part of her soul soared at the possibility but the major part of her didn't want to go further than that. She lowered her jade orbs and they fixed then in Sasuke's right hand. He was now carrying Miyu only with his left arm.
She let them linger there while they were walking silently back to their house with charmed eyes. Just take his hand, her inner voice said in a whisper as her soul soared within and her heart exhaled a deep yearning breath. Strangely her green orbs filled with some unwanted and expected sadness but she couldn't help the childish and foolish part of her that was locked in just the mere fact of taking his hand, Sasuke's hand, her husband's hand. It was just a simple act of partnership and compliance; it was just a mere leap of faith. Could she do it? Just take his hand and walk beside him instead of always being few steps, few inches, behind him? Could she do it after he had been the one who reached out for her and had started that wanted and loved show of emotions whatever they were that she had answered blindingly?
Suddenly she didn't know how or why it happened or when her heart had overpowered her head, but she felt her white fingers encircling Sasuke's ones, she felt her hand getting a tighter grip on her husband's hand, and she was aware that she had taken those little steps that always were between the both like a giggling happy little girl who has been granted a wish and then she was aware that he hadn't jerked away or pulled away his pale hand, that he hadn't rejected her gesture or backed away from her intent. She didn't feel his hand squeezing hers but it was still there intertwined with hers. He didn't even blink nor he turned to look at her with whatever kind of reaction or emotion she could have expecting from him, knowing him as she knew him. He kept his steady pace and she adjusted hers to his and she felt happy just for a simple gesture that existed so naturally in every normal couple in love that exists in this large world. She felt happy just for a simple show of affection that it shouldn't be so difficult to achieve or to decide, that it should be spontaneous and not so damn thought to do. She felt happy until she recognized inside her aching heart that she had preferred any expected response from Sasuke than his indifference and cold demeanor. It was said that hate was better than indifference, that suffering was better than forgetting. And she knew it then that it was true, Sasuke's indifference to her little gesture was ten times worse than his expected rejection of it. I'm not here, she suddenly thought.
And somehow and suddenly, she was aware of how short her happiness had been and how sad it was in fact this little step she had taken forward to connect with Sasuke, because it wasn't how it should have been since the beginning. She wasn't Temari and he wasn't Shikamaru and she was forgetting her own petition she had asked of him, and she was again dreaming and hurting due to the reality she always tried to shun away and that it was always there in front of her face trying to open her blinded eyes. It shouldn't be like that, and she knew it and it hurt and all the fault was hers because she had forgotten everything just for a simple moment that it didn't mean anything at all at the end.
And the grip her hand had on his lessened and she lowered her emerald gaze now watering but unable to shed a single damn tear anymore. She was done crying and it was time for her to be done with the dreaming and hoping too.
"Are you alright?"
Sakura was caught off guard as she was staring and spacing out with burning eyes and saddened expression at her empty cup of tea. Shikamaru was staring at her with that look he wore when he was trying to decipher things. Sakura smiled nervously and faking joy gesturing with her hands that she was fine. Temari on her part was glancing at her with clear understanding that ashamed the green eyed one medic nin.
"I'm sorry; I've been very busy at the hospital. I need to rest." She paused acting now more normally not wanting to worry her friends and let them now how their plans and happiness were destroying her false home life. Sakura couldn't let them know it, it would only make her feel worse and they didn't need to know it when this was their blissful moment. She forced herself to act with normalcy and just focus in their happiness and let her meditative moments to the times she was all by herself. "After all, I need to leave everything ready here before going back to Konoha for the wedding."
"That's very true." Temari said calmly. "Gaara is doing the same. I would kill him if he couldn't go to my wedding."
Shikamaru chuckled while Sakura glanced absently at the clock hanging on the wall.
"My, I need to go now." She got up after finishing her tea and feeling being watched intensely by the two people in front of her. Unluckily for her they had to be very smart people indeed. "I'll see you later."
The both nodded wearing smirks and the medic nin left the kitchen heading towards home where Sasuke and Miyu waited for her to come. She wondered how long it was going to take her to burst into tears and scream and smack herself for her stupidity and late awareness. But the point was that she was sick and tired of herself and just thinking in crying again like she always did despite the years gone by caused her to hate herself. She had made her own destiny with her own hands and she wasn't in any position to just start crying and mopping around for the big mistakes she had done because she had used her heart entirely.
Hours later into the night she wondered inwardly in her endless musings while she was washing the dishes in the solitude of the calm kitchen if that advice of "following your heart" was completely useful. She had done it, she had married the man her heart wanted and loved since a long time ago and all she had gained was something fake, hollow and incomplete, just an illusion and sad parody of the real thing people like her friends, Temari and Shikamaru, really had. She knew that she had a lot of opportunities to make different choices, that always there was a solution to the problems ahead and that some things never were going to change ever. She had followed her heart's voice, her heart's desire and her heart's feelings and she was trapped in a relationship that was never going to really grow because it had never started in fact. Her emerald gaze wasn't willing to show anymore tears and her face was calm and resigned to the wrongs she had brought to herself because she followed her heart and she hadn't given time to her mind to see things under another light and less she had given it a chance to be a part of her decisions. She had believed she had really thought over everything she had decided and done since before she was pregnant with Miyu and she had let herself to be tangled instead of being freed from the sad hope she had always harbored despite the times she had promised to herself and to the world that she was done with it and she was ready to walk away and forward. What a fool, arrogant and ignorant I had been. She said with saddened eyes sighing deeply with a little lopsided smile.
Since the day Shikamaru and Temari had let all of them knew that she was pregnant and he had proposed, the pink haired young woman had started to share time and space with the happy and unique couple and she had started to be affected unconsciously by their true and heartfelt relationship where romance was even in its own way, and Sakura's unconsciousness had started to recognize and develop its own thoughts and feelings concerning it and it had only taken days and nights in comparing how things were between her husband and she so different from Shikamaru and Temari's relationship. It had taken so little to really realize how tangled she was in her own web of pretending, hoping and blinding herself that she had found herself so amazed and stunned by all the reality screaming its way through her throbbing heart. She sat down staring absently at the window and the quietness outside. Unsurprisingly the village of Sunagakure was a lot quieter than Konoha and the nights were so charming in the middle of the desert. She sighed deeply thinking saddened in how stupid and weak she had been. How childish and foolish. How she had thought that a one-sided love could save a marriage? Was it right when it had been mostly because Sasuke's freedom depended on it? Was her sacrifice truly worthy? Had she really thought in Miyu's well being? Probably I was just selfish. I wanted Sasuke for me always, just for me, as my husband. I loved him so much that I closed my eyes to all the truth and I denied the facts, I chose to believe in the hopeless thought of being strong enough to carry on with a fake marriage when I'm the only one with love in the heart. I thought that I was strong enough to pretend that I could live with the little affection Sasuke could have for me, and not even affection, just respect for what I represented in his life, the mother of his child, I thought that I was strong enough to believe that it was going to be easy to live day by day and night by night with someone who didn't love me back, just because of my disposition and acceptance, thinking that I was all this needed to function at least normally, thinking that I was all our life as married ones needed, that I could have gotten over his unloving feelings for me, that I could be happy and satisfied with a courteous relationship with him, a relationship where we could only share our bodies thanks to the circumstance of being married and sharing the same bed when I had allowed it. Probably I wasn't strong but otherwise and I had always been weak, so weak that I didn't even see it.
How can I let it happen?
Sakura stared at the ceiling lost in thought. Outside the quietness and the beautifulness of the desert's scenery were breathing charmingly in the middle of the night. The high moon could be seen through the opened window of the silent and shadowy house that belonged to the Uchiha family and the jade eyes of the medic nin unconsciously turned to it watching the starry night sky as her balled fists on the sheet covering her body tightened their grip. She wondered how it had ended that way, feeling the tears pricking at the corners of her emerald eyes. How could she have been so stupid and weak again? Was she going to be always regretting every single step she took concerning Sasuke? Was she going to be always feeling blame and powerlessness? She sighed deeply too tired to even cry remembering sadly the moment she had been swept away by the attraction and her cursed love before, thank heavens, Kankurou had come to save the situation. Something inside her had screamed for her in alarm and she hadn't put attention to it because she had found herself in his arms and trapped in his spell without her mind working properly and then nothing mattered anymore in her realistic world. Just that moment, that silent and slow kissing had turned her upside down. It had been merely something that had happened in which she had been taking it as an opportunity knowing that she wasn't loved. Of course she had always known it deeply and truly other times when Sasuke had been around, but that moment now held a major significance relating it with those three little and hurting letters: she wasn't loved. In that moment Sasuke had reached out for her because he found her attractive and closeness like this was an undeniable temptation, having a fake marriage like this, was undeniably something intimate and close even if the couple didn't touch. She had heard sometimes that with daily custom love can come as it had happened sometimes in arranged marriages. The closeness and company could make miracles, she had heard, but sadly it wasn't her case. But in that moment before the sand sibling interrupted them when Sasuke and she were kissing passionately and gently at the same time, she had foolishly believed it true in her case. She had needed to believe it to fool herself, to lie to herself, to pretend that she wasn't the pathetic woman she was. She was so sure that she had seen things because of it, things that weren't there and they weren't ever and they weren't going to be ever, and she had put magic in that little precious and heartbreaking moment thinking possible for Sasuke to follow that miracle that it was forbidden for her. If only she hadn't really let love to take over her or if she hadn't put all her feelings into it… if only she had done it because it was for her own protection and self defense… if only she had just enjoyed the moment as he seemed to do it to ease the real attraction that seemed to be between both… but she couldn't be coldhearted and that was the truth, even feeling empty now and not having the desire to cry uselessly as the lame excuse of a woman she was and her mind was just drifting away.
She knew that she had done wrong grabbing into that little moment and letting it to happen after she had asked of him after their wedding night to avoid romantic situations. She had asked. She should have stopped his advance. She should have not accepted his reaching out for her. She shouldn't have kissed him. She wouldn't have to contain her heart to be like him. She couldn't let it happen again if it ever happened. If she could be strong enough to just say no or if she couldn't say no but at least she could be strong enough to limit her love and go with the mere attraction, could then everything work out at the end? Could she stay in a marriage where only the physical attraction existed sometimes and where she was going to be forced to put limits to her heart? Could she be with him ignoring her feelings and hiding them behind the crushing reality? She only was sure of one thing at the mere end. Sooner or later she was going to be forced to take a decision and she had already a hint of which it was although she didn't want to face it right now. She wasn't strong enough to do it at the moment. So not now, she told herself saddened and resigned. Tomorrow could be the day. Tomorrow.
She sighed balling her fists tightly and taking a deep breathe as she remembered how the moment Kankurou had stopped that night before the unexpected dinner and news had brought consequences that she had worsened. She remembered their walk back home when she had dared to take his hand and walk by his side at the same pace while he hadn't reacted in any way and she felt so sad, humiliated and little. So damn little, because he didn't recognize her simply as his companion and she had known it always. After those two moments, things had started to get colder between the both, a lot more than any occasion she could think of in the past, and Sakura was very sure that it was her own fault for trying to connect with him thinking that his reaching out for her was the first step to it. Sasuke had started to drift away from her since that afternoon and that night and even his unusual displays of courtesy towards her as his wife and companion had stopped. Sakura wondered if Miyu could see the signs of the changing behavior between her two parents. At least Sasuke was the same with their daughter and he was a caring father to her, and for that Sakura thought that everything was worthy, even sacrificing the life she wished and wanted like any other woman in the world, a life with a husband in love with her. Miyu's happiness was the only important matter here at the end, in how she launched at her father's arms when he came home after being absent for some time due to his missions, in how she giggled, smiled and laughed even if her father was as serious as always, in how she worked her magic on him and softened his cold and distant expression, in how she was the reason why he put so much effort in his well being, in how they were truly connected and happy together and their picture gave Sakura the happiness she couldn't find in any other way with Sasuke. Everything was worthy for it, but the medic nin wondered how long it was going to be enough. Even if she wanted to endure it till their lives were over, she feared and ached thinking that her strength was going to be shorter than that.
So for now Sasuke's indifference and coldness couldn't win over her, and she had to shield her heart to stop feeling devastated noticing that everything that they had gone through since their marriage hadn't gained her a little of his consideration or minimal affection, and accepting at least that even living together he wasn't going to love her ever, something she had hoped for to happen in her most ingénue feeling and she had tried to ignore, there wasn't a miraculous custom to pray at for it, nothing could fill the deep and big gap existing between them and the abyss lying between their places on bed, and Sasuke had noticed her reaching out for him when she had taken his hand and had turned back at his true feelings probably knowing that he had deserved it for what he had done that afternoon, Sakura thought, and that was why he had turned back at his icy self towards her. He didn't want to give me false hope, she imagined. Sasuke had noticed her little gesture, now she was sure, and he was strong enough to put a limit after he had weakened somehow that afternoon for whatever reason was, and he had been stronger than her, he had said stop because that wasn't what he really wanted, he had done what Sakura couldn't do that fateful afternoon and the importance of the thing done by her had been so deep that he had retrieved to his icy self than just staying with the courtesy he had been providing to her till then. I messed it up. She knew it, but she had misunderstood and forgotten, she had hoped and dreamed and she was paying the prize losing the little she had gained of him in all this time being married with him. The green eyed ninja sighed sadly and resigned recognizing it was her fault for going along with her own desires. She knew that she had taken wrong decisions and undoing them could cost a high prize and she had to think things thoughtfully before taking more decisions and to not do more mistakes, because after all, there was a little girl in between and she was the most important thing even above her own suffering and unhappiness. It was time to settle down and stop being the pathetic woman she was.
She entered her quiet bedroom and noticed Sasuke was already there sleeping peacefully. I wish I could freeze my heart like you, she thought sighing deeply and losing the eternal battle of not wanting to get her heart rid of the handsome man living in it. Suddenly she wondered what Sasuke thought of her stupid changing behavior; after all, she had been the one saying she didn't want to have sex with him again if it wasn't with the purpose of having another child. Thank heavens I hadn't brought another baby into this mess. What could Sasuke think? She had always told him that she understood that he couldn't love her and she accepted it. So she was the lame one here, the excuse of a woman, pathetic and without self respect who accepted the situation he had never changed. Sasuke hadn't lied ever concerning his feelings and thoughts about their situation; he had assured her since the beginning that she was nothing more than physical attraction and the mother of his child. And she had accepted it so easily at the mere end even after complaining and crying and swearing in vain for things that she couldn't follow because she melted in his arms without will needed to struggle. I want someone with whom I can make love and not only have occasional sex. I don't want my marriage to take basis only in it. I cannot be as detached as Sasuke when we had been in it. I thought I could do it when this started, I thought I could be like him and be satisfied with it even if I wanted love, but I was lying to myself, I was deceiving myself, I was trying to change something that it's unchangeable. I was dreaming and perhaps I had been always dreaming and I cannot stay like this anymore. Realizing what others have and I don't is killing me slowly and painfully. I don't want my life to be like this forever. I don't want to live my life like this. It hurts too much and it will hurt a lot more if I stay like this with Sasuke than stopping it. But now the next question was a lot deeper and meaningful and she didn't want to really think about it, but, did she want to end everything? She wasn't still strong enough and it wasn't the proper time to make right what she made wrong, there was a lot in between besides Miyu and Sasuke's situation and she wasn't ready to say goodbye to the little thing she had of Sasuke right now. They had married a very short time ago and she couldn't just now say that she wanted to finish it because it was crushing her and she feared what time could bring. What if Sasuke fell in love with another woman? What if they started to fight and blame the other? What if their marriage was worse than just the option of letting everything to be the way it was to be? She only had the strength to do one thing at the time to not shatter her soul in the process. She needed the little Sasuke gave to her in the icy and distant relationship they had and she was strong enough right now to accept how weak she was in fact for accepting it.
But she was tired and sick of feeling so bad with herself, she was so tired and sick of feeling so pathetic and just like an outsider for him. She wasn't the kind of woman who could live like this, having the love of her life just like this, fearing the worse to come because they weren't truly together. She wasn't and she was tired and sick and sad of pretending the other way around. That was why she had a lot of trouble to contain her sorrow and sadness when Sasuke was in front of her with that possessive and magnetic way he had and oblivious of her deep desperation and melancholy. She focused in not giving importance or attention to his sudden and slight change of behavior and didn't try to ask him or reach out for him anymore. The real silence was always there when they were at the same room and she didn't talk to him just for a simple chitchat like she used to do before. If Sasuke felt or not the difference, she couldn't tell, he was so quiet about his own feelings and thoughts and he was going to be always and the saddest part was that she loved him despite of it. Probably he could notice the slight change in her previous behavior because it was true too that he wasn't stupid in fact, not even with the emotions related, so perhaps he really noticed. At one moment when they were having lunch with Temari and Kankurou their gazes locked once and Sakura could swear he had realized that something had changed. After it, when the medic nin was taking a shower, she mused and pondered about the exchange of looks between the both. What was in Sasuke's onyx eyes? She really couldn't tell and not even could say what was in hers. Could he see how heartbroken she was for not having a little piece of his heart? Could he see the difference between having once his body but not a tiny shade of his soul and what it meant for her? Could she tell that he really understood somehow that she had given all in this? Could he know that the part of the relationship they had as husband and wife, of sharing their bed to sleep was shattering? She didn't want anymore the soulless and cold Sasuke she had although he was there physically, and some day she wanted to be strong enough to compensate for her mistakes and face the consequences to be able to free him from herself to someone whom he could love. She preferred to think that there was someone out there for him even if the wish killed her in a second, than thinking that he was incapable of loving someone. Sometimes she wondered if Sasuke could in fact love or if he wanted to feel love and give love. Had he been living in the darkness for so long that he had lost the capacity to love and be loved?
That thought was the saddest and more crushing one among everything and Sakura prayed for not being real despite the hurt she felt imaging him with someone else that it would never be her.
"We'll go in two hours to Konoha."
"That's great!" The pink haired young woman said smiling gladly at the redhead leader of the village placed in the desert. She was carrying Miyu in her arms after packing her belongings along with hers and Sasuke's. "I cannot wait to see everyone back there! I know it hadn't been a long time far away but still I feel like it had passed ages since I was there."
Gaara nodded once understanding what she was saying. Temari hadn't come because she was busy packing all her things, after the wedding she was going to stay at Konoha with her husband. Kankurou had been quite sensitive over the issue since it had downed on him finally, but Gaara was acting just like himself. It seemed they were playing reversed roles as brothers and that caused Temari and Sakura's laughs. Kankurou had already gone with the groom to finish the last preparations to the leaf village and today they were going back to Konoha for Shikamaru and Temari's wedding with Gaara, the bride and some ninjas from Suna as Gaara's personal bodyguards. Miyu clapped her hands together smiling sweetly at the once host of Shukaku who softened his green stare watching back at her.
"I just have to settle some things before going, so I just came by to tell you to be ready."
"Ok, thank you, that it's very nice of you. Do you want a cup of tea?"
"Thank you."
Gaara sat down at the table while Sakura served him quickly a cup of her favorite tea carrying Miyu who was beyond happiness smiling and giggling. The leader of Sunagakure stared absently at the kitchen and then at the medic nin and the little girl with that piercing and intense stare he always wore. He narrowed his intense emerald orbs observing in silence at the young mother as this one finished serving the hot tea in a mug and then came to the table putting it on it with an easy and simple smile. Miyu was suddenly quiet and calm and she rested her head on her mother's shoulder staring calmly at the redheaded man watching back at them. Gaara locked his gaze with the little girl's for a moment in complete silence and compliance. Soon the little girl was wearing a lopsided sad smile and her beautiful and big black eyes softened.
"Here." Sakura said motioning to Gaara to drink from his steaming mug. "We have a long journey ahead."
"That's true indeed." Gaara drank from the hot cup between his pale hands still staring straight and observant at the pink haired young woman. This one just smiled as a response. "You really like this tea."
"Yeah, I know. I have to bring a lot when I came to Suna and when Shikamaru came to visit Temari I asked him to keep bringing it to me."
"Hn."
Gaara just muttered still drinking from the tea and keeping fixed his unnerving green glance on the medic nin who was so distracted with her inner turmoil of feelings and regrets to really feel bothered about it. Sakura knew this wasn't good and that she needed to focus in the daily life taking part around her, but Sasuke kept her mind blurring with all that had been happening between the both the last days and nights. The way the Kazekage was staring at her didn't in fact seemed different or special today for her, she had gotten used to his intense and piercing stare and she was glad that at least he wasn't worried about her as Temari and Shikamaru has been. After all, Gaara was so busy to really share time with her or Sasuke and it was natural that he couldn't even begin to realize the real and true life of the married ones inside the intimacy of their home. The sudden steps of someone coming startled her and she didn't even have to look at the entrance of the kitchen to know who it was. Gaara by the other hand turned at the person with slow movement and Miyu clapped happily on her mother's lap.
"Dada!"
Sasuke nodded at Gaara and this one made the same gesture as a silent and respectful greeting between both and then the dark haired young man took Miyu who was extending her little arms towards him in the gesture of wanting to be picked up. Her father took her in his arms and kissed her forehead before she giggled quietly. Then the little girl stared at him with a curious and frowned expression and a little smile clinging from the corners of her lips. Sasuke just looked at her with softened obsidian eyes and glanced quickly and mechanically at the pink haired young woman sat down in front of Suna's leader before locking his dark orbs absently on Gaara again.
"You should get ready." Sakura said calmly not lifting an inch her face from her steaming cup of tea. "We're going to Konoha in about two hours."
Sasuke nodded glancing at her briefly and then he sat down Miyu on her chair and disappeared through the door towards the main room that belonged to him and Sakura. Gaara narrowed his green hypnotizing eyes on her for a brief pause before turning them to the little girl who was staring at the space with big, precious and somehow sad innocent eyes. He blinked silently and decided to drift away just like the people who lived in that house seemed to do, something he was used to do in the past anyway.
Sakura POV
The journey back to Konoha was delightful on its own. Despite the inner situation I was going through with my late life as Sasuke Uchiha's wife I really enjoyed and I did what I had been doing since we both had messed up: try to ignore him as much as he did to me and acknowledge the other's existence just when it was necessary even if that destroyed my soul. It was true that I couldn't ignore him, he was too much a part of me and the love of my life, but I had to try and to pretend I did it to not really be in tears of despair and sorrow. I knew that it was the only solution left while we were together like this and I had to endure it and I was going to do it not matter what, for him an for our daughter, and the worst part was that we were going back to the village where the important people thought we were a real happy couple in love. I hadn't really think in it as that, I hadn't really realized what torture was going to be staying few days at Konoha due to Shikamaru and Temari's wedding because we were going to really put out the entire act. At least in Suna I didn't have to pretend as much as I was going to do it here, I had my job there and Sasuke went away for missions and although I worried to death for him when he was far away, the pain was minor comparing it to having him with me in the same room in our freezing silence and indifference towards the other. It was very contradictory in fact and I felt horrible feeling that way, preferring to be alone in home and missing him and worrying over him like crazy than having him safe and sound there a few steps from me like a statue who didn't see me there. I didn't dare to bother him anymore and he seemed to reciprocate my intent. At least I felt a little better thinking that probably he didn't dislike me as much as I thought if he was trying to not hurt me forcing his presence on me and knowing of my feelings. I was trapped in my ambivalent wishes, wanting him close to me and at the same time far away, feeling divided and terrible for it. I loved him so much that the ambivalence was killing me.
While we were in our way back to my beloved village, I prepared myself for the suffering I was going to live in our days there. I remembered our wedding and how I had had to pretend and share a minimal space with him, our dancing, how we kissed and embraced each other, how I smiled like if I was living a never ending fairytale. So when we reached the main gates of Konoha and I felt the nostalgia for my birthplace and the bittersweet coming of my pretense, I sighed deeply and inwardly and I braced myself not willing to shed a single tear anymore and instead of doing that, I felt a little lopsided sad smile creeping on my face and I looked down at my hand were my engagement ring sparkled. I had said I do and I was going to say it even if it didn't hold the true meaning of the words.
The only thing that really filled part of my sad and divided soul was meeting with our friends and my mother once more. Mother was so happy to see me and Miyu that she had hugged us tightly for a very long moment talking fast and asking about our life in Suna. I just rolled my eyes telling her that it wasn't like I had been away for so long but I couldn't help to agree with her. I had missed her so much too after sharing with her so many things since my pregnancy. I asked her about father and she just assured me that he was doing well and he occasionally seemed to be eavesdropping on her when she was talking with someone about me. I felt sad and happy knowing of it, at least my father still cared about me even if he didn't want to meet me. Listening to her and being close to her, filled my eyes with tears that I didn't allow to fall, and I couldn't help to ask her to not let me go after she had hugged me for what it seemed hours. She didn't say anything nor asked a thing about my weird and childish petition, and she didn't force me to look at her straight at the face. She just complied with my petition and I hugged her tightly just feeling lively for it. Miyu immediately was smiling and giggling in her arms and mother politely greeted my husband, who in fact acted like a gentleman with her, but she didn't ask me anything related to him and sadly I knew that she suspected that something was off. And I silently thanked her for her insight and delicacy to not force me to talk about it when I couldn't do it being there watched now for our sort of enemies who in fact greeted us with courtesy and kept watching over us furtively. Anyway after we arrived I didn't care about the tiredness as Sasuke and Miyu and we met all of my friends in the following hours after we went back. Konoha was just the same and I smiled happily staring at the carved faces on rock of our former and present Hokage. All our friends were gladly and thankfully ok and luckily they weren't away in some mission. Naruto was in tears of joy and he launched at Sasuke and me and hugged us in a bear grip strong and caring. Hinata had to pull him away from us after it became embarrassing. He took Miyu high in his arms and started to spin in circles with her and the both laughed like if he was a kid. I couldn't help to laugh openly and truly listening to my friends and chatting, it was such a joy to see all our friends reunited there like Tsunade-sama and the other sensei and it was so delightful to see them again. Suddenly I knew that even being away for so little time didn't change the fact that I had greatly missed my village and my people and probably my own messed up life didn't help the case. The preparations for the wedding were done and ready for tomorrow and Shikamaru's mother was thrilled and paired up perfectly with Kankurou and his punishment to his big sister and fiancé in the form of a fancy wedding. Shikamaru's father just played along like his son and just let everything in his wife's hands. The entire village was excited and gossiping about the wedding and the fact that Temari was obviously pregnant didn't take away the enthusiasm and party mood. Somehow I felt saddened noticing the differences between my own wedding and this one, even in the general mood of the townspeople and our friends and family, now they didn't have to gossip about the doubts the Council had over it and the unlikely match Temari and Shikamaru were just like it had happened to me and Sasuke. Everything was pure real and everyone was just enjoying it without second thoughts and guesses and I felt inwardly sorrowful. I realized then that I hadn't really enjoyed my wedding like I had thought and it is supposed to be and it filled my eyes of tears that weren't spilled like I had promised to myself. I couldn't take away this moment from my friends who were in love and tomorrow were going to marry like I had never done it.
The hardest thing to do for me was to lie to my friends. That afternoon of our arrival I had a moment alone with the girls, and Ino, Tenten and Hinata started to naturally ask questions about my life as Sasuke's wife. They were really worried and kind, they were preoccupied about how he was treating me and if I was happy and if our life as a family was going fine. I was glad that at least Temari wasn't there and was busy with Shikamaru's mother; I knew that she had caught something of my inner emotional true state back at Suna as her clever fiancée, so it was easier to calm my concerned friends and to say lies a little and really pretend that I was doing well. When they asked about Miyu and Sasuke it was the only time when I really smiled warmly and proudly and the bliss filled my soul. I didn't have to lie in that. Sasuke was acting like a father with her and I could presume and gloat in that. My pretense was so real that I could see how Ino, Tenten and Hinata really believed every word, smile, laugh and gesture I gave to them. I felt terrible for doing this but I couldn't tell them the truth, at least Temari and my mother had guessed it, but I couldn't do it and I had decided to take the wrongs I had done in my hands not pulling into them my friends and family. But mostly I knew that I couldn't really put on words said by my inner shaking voice all that I was feeling and thinking, all that I had been musing about, because I was going to break down once more and I didn't want that. Probably Temari was going to tell them what she had seen back at Suna concerning Sasuke and me, just guesses if I hadn't said anything, and my three friends were going to worry to death for me. But at least this moment I could pretend that everything was ok and that I had left behind all the problems and hard things in the desert surrounding Sunagakure, at least for the few days I was going to spend here. From the boys only Naruto dared to ask me how things were between Sasuke and me directly with that kind and warm expression he had and I had to tell him the same I had said to the girls. From the other boys I guessed that only Shikamaru, Shino and Neji could suspect something if I was caught off guard or distracted, and everything was so cheerful with Chouji, Kiba and Lee that I didn't have to worry about them and silently I thanked their joking around and excitement. My mother was so pleased having Miyu back that I let her have her the most time we were going to stay, she missed her so badly and my little girl was pampered and cared for all the people who cared for me and whom I loved that she spent the time smiling and having fun with them. The only bad thing was that without Miyu I found myself alone most of the time I had to be with Sasuke and it was something very hard and painful to do when we both were as distant as the world from the stars. I was aware that we were watched by the Council and I had to make a major effort to show them that I was indeed a very happy married woman with the man they still feared and despised. Somehow the pretending and facing them from far away strangely gave me time to feel powerful and entertain myself. How ironic, when the same thing was shattering the life I had started to build before messing up so badly. The night of our arrival we stayed at Hiashi-sama's place thanks to the kind invitation of Hinata. Mother had taken arranges of my former department and we couldn't return there. We have discussed that when we returned finally from Suna we were going to buy a house, something where Miyu could grow up and have space. In that moment I had thought in having more kids around, so a big house was a perfect choice and Sasuke had agreed. Now I didn't want to think in more children, something that saddened me greatly, but a big house was still an appropriate thing. Space could do well for me and Sasuke, so I could have him close to me but not sharing exactly the same rooms inside it, just having him there, around, safe and sound, but not being swollen by the hurting invisible distance between us.
The people around me improved the biggest change in my mood. Even when the wedding thing depressed me inwardly and I felt like a horrible person for it, my friends and mother helped a lot to improve my bittersweet behavior that I skillfully hid from them. I focused in enjoying it as it was, an important day in the lives of my two friends and a party to be part of, a few days back at home and sharing time and space with dear people to me, some little vacations that my daughter were beyond happiness to have and a way for me to be around more people than in Suna whom I knew and forget a little about me and my complicated life. Sasuke and I had to be together some times like the social life demanded and to fill up the act we had started to fight the Council and we behaved and I smiled and everyone could think we were like a normal couple even Sasuke being Sasuke till the end. We didn't give the chance to a slight opportunity to deeper a moment not even with words, asking and explanations, and I knew that he understood what I was doing and he agreed with it, after all, he didn't have me hovering around him and bothering him with my feelings and he understood that he had made a mistake when he had kissed me that time. It was sad and painful to have to hug him or take his hand or kiss him even in the cheek when we were watched or we were outside and we didn't know who could be observing us or eavesdropping, and we took a lot of caution in it. I was glad that at least Miyu spent most all her time with mother so she couldn't be confused at her young age towards our slight changing actions towards the other. Thankfully Temari asked help and the girls and I helped out and that kept me focused and away from my personal life. Sasuke spent his time with Naruto and the other boys and he went to the hospital by Tsunade-sama's request for a complete checkup. Surely she was going to be glad for his well being and I was happy for it. Sasuke hadn't showed lately the symptoms of his rare sickness and I was hopeful that sooner or later he was going to be capable of healing completely. The mere thought filled me with tears of relief and warmness and although how our life was as a couple that specific thing was going better and it was all that mattered. The next day early morning the preparations for the wedding began and I was requested by Temari as Hinata, Tenten and Ino to help out the bride to get ready. Shikamaru's mother was there totally excited. When she knew that we could handle the bride she took off immediately to supervise the celebration and party because she wanted everything to be perfect. Temari thanked her really touched and I could see her own sadness over the issue. I felt really grateful knowing that I had had my mother too at my wedding and I understood that Temari missed hers in this special day.
After helping Temari out, us as maids of honor, got ready immediately and we were really excited and happy watching how beautiful Temari looked in her soft pink dress with golden embroidery and silver laces. She looked fantastic and was shining in total and utter bliss. She was of course a little overwhelmed and embarrassed for all the preparations and what was coming, she really had meant it when she had said that she wanted a simple wedding anyway, just as Shikamaru. Our dresses were in a beautiful shade of golden with silver laces and embroidery. After we all got ready we departed to where the ceremony was going to take place just in time. The place was beautifully decorated with soft pink and white roses and the golden color was everywhere in small amounts. Everything looked very classy and fancy and with a simplicity that sparkled elegance and I found myself enjoying not being the main protagonist of it. It was surely very different seeing it from this point of view and I couldn't stop grinning all the time, taking my spot beside Sasuke who looked dashing as a prince, my mother who was enthusiastic because she loved weddings like most of the mothers I guess, and my little girl who was then sitting on my lap and dressed in soft pink too with silver laces on her two tiny black ponytails. I really wished the best to my friend as Temari walked her way towards Shikamaru who really shocked all of us with his good appearance. The girls and I couldn't really believe he was the same old guy we knew when he appeared with his parents and was very handsome looking in his black suit and white shirt with a golden tie. He had combed his hair in a different manner and he looked fantastic with his serious and observant gaze fixed in his soon wife. Surely her mother had really worked on him in this special day. I grinned happily watching my male friends looking incredibly prince like as they had been in my wedding, and the place was filled with a lot of people too and even more than in mine because people of Suna had come especially to attend it. Temari had been accompanied by Gaara who looked like someone of the royalty because Kankurou, who surprised us too looking extremely attractive and charming in his suit, had asked him to do it (and he was trying to not be affected by the image of his big sister marrying) and we all were expectant and glad for the couple when they finally met and Gaara went to take his sit in the front line beside Kankurou. I watched hypnotized and excited the development of the ceremony of marriage in Konoha and then I wondered who was going to be the next of my remaining friends to marry. I smiled inwardly imagining Naruto proposing to Hinata knowing that surely he was going to be very sweet about it. The Council was invited too, of course, and even in my enjoyment and happiness I have to keep the act up and occasionally I laid my head on Sasuke's shoulder or took his hand and he sometimes wrapped me softly with his arm. I wondered if any of my friends have felt like I felt now staring fascinated and joyfully at Shikamaru and Temari getting married when I had married. Did some of them were concerned about my decision and hoping and wishing the best to me because I was going to need it? Did some of them really enjoyed it knowing that it was a one sided love? I was startled and pulled out from my sad reverie when everyone started to applause and excited voices filled the air congratulating the newlyweds and Shikamaru was kissing Temari lovingly on the lips. I was on my feet then like the rest of the people there and I clapped staring touched and glad at the happy couple and smiling widely and warmly while Naruto, Lee and Kiba were shouting congratulations and words of support to the Nara heir and the oldest sand sibling. I wish you the best.
And somehow I knew that not only Shikamaru and Temari but all my friends had felt and thought the same words towards me that special day.
Sakura POV
"The Kazekage had told me how good your work had been there, I'm proud, Sakura."
"It's not big deal."
I said a little embarrassed to my former sensei holding a cup of red wine on my hands. Yamato-sensei and Kakashi-sensei were there too. By the corner of my eyes I could see Gai-sensei, Anko and Kurenai-sensei at the bar drinking and chatting and the first two laughed enthusiastically thanks to something the third one was saying. My mother was at her table taking care happily of Miyu, Tenten was dancing with Lee, Ino with Chouji and Hinata with Kiba because Naruto was at his table with Sasuke and had an arm wrapped around Sasuke's stiff shoulders who stared at him like if Naruto was a giant insect. On other table Neji, Sai and Shino were calmly talking like if they were debating an impending war and Kankurou was with Gaara on their table and was noisily saying something to the redheaded leader with a cup of red wine on his hand that flew everywhere as he gestured snickering. The newlyweds were on their table very close to each other and talking like compliances. The general mood of the big party was excitement and joy and the rhythm of the music fitted perfectly with it. The food was incredibly delicious and the cake was a piece of heaven in your mouth. Tsunade-sama excused when Shizune came and poked at her fancy pretty red dress and whispered something in her ear. I watched them furtively while my attention was on Yamato-sensei and Kakashi-sensei and I noticed Shizune's serious face that didn't fit with her elegant blue cheerful dress. The two of them went away then after Shizune greeted us with an easy and weak smile and Tsunade-sama was wearing a deep frown on her still young and beautiful features.
"I heard that Sasuke is doing great too."
Yamato-sensei said calmly and naturally and I nodded being a little startled inwardly just hearing the pronunciation of his name. I smiled.
"Yes, he's been doing some missions and he had been great at them."
"Then it means that he's getting better, right?"
I nodded enthusiastically and glad knowing that it was true and I was very happy indeed for it. Kakashi-sensei smiled sincerely relieved listening to it and Yamato-sensei nodded too.
"He hadn't had any relapses since we're staying in Suna. Tsunade-sama's treatment had worked its magic on him."
"Soon we hope he can heal properly and entirely from his weird sickness."
"That's my greatest wish." I said to Yamato-sensei still wearing an honest and warm expression on my face. I was into the same thing day and night. I was going to say something else about it when by the corner of my eyes I looked at my father talking with my mother on her table in whispers with serious expression on their both faces. Miyu wasn't with her then, my little girl was in Hinata's arms at Naruto's table where Kiba was laughing and talking and Sasuke was still trapped by Naruto's octopus arms following Kiba's jokes. Akamaru was sitting obediently on one side of his master and Miyu was giggling at the giant dog. "I…"
Yamato-sensei and Kakashi-sensei turned back slightly staring at the thing that had captured my attention and had paled my face and put a deep concerned frown in my forehead and a sad glance in my eyes. I couldn't help to feel nostalgic and sorrowful staring at my father there after not seeing him for a very long period of time, he hadn't even dared to say goodbye to me and wish me luck for my journey and staying at Suna, and he was now there because of course he had been invited to the wedding too, but I hadn't seen him in the celebration and now in the party till now. He knew that mother was going to stay close to me and Sasuke and his granddaughter, so probably that was why he didn't show up till now. The pain I felt knowing of it, knowing he didn't want to see me in any way, was too strong to handle at first and I had to take a deep breathe and contain the unshed tears filling my eyes before I could cope with it. I had decided not only to not cry for Sasuke's related things, but for anything at all. I was done with my pathetic sobbing me of yesterday. I blinked away the tears with a slight melancholic and serious frown and I wondered what my father was telling mother. Could he be asking for me? Could he been asking for Miyu? I denied the ingénue fact inwardly and I turned my attention back to the two silent and respectful men in front of me smiling softly.
"I'm very hopeful for it. Sasuke's health had improved indeed and greatly. Tsunade-sama will give us the tests' results tomorrow morning but she's very positive about it."
Yamato-sensei and Kakashi-sensei looked quiet surprised at me for my soon recovery after they had witnessed how my father's presence had affected me, but they just simply smiled kindly understanding me. Yamato-sensei started to talk about how the things had gotten calmer in the village after the nearly war that had taken place outside our country when I had decided to move on to Suna and Kakashi-sensei added some commentaries about it. I focused in listening and nodding interested and happy for the pacific outcome of the fight but I couldn't quite shake off the sadness and suffering I felt for my father's indifference and reprobation. By the corner of my emerald eyes I watched him saying something very serious to my mother before turning around to go away from the celebration. For a brief moment his serious gaze locked with mine and I could felt myself like the little child I was years ago and I had done something wrong and he scolded me and grounded me for it. But I wasn't that little girl anymore and even if I had done something wrong I faced his disapproving stare with some silent plead on my eyes and asking his understanding and affection. He dismissed it without even softening an inch his judging expression and even when I had expected it happening it hurt the same and even more. He gave his back to me and went on his own way not turning once at mother or me. I felt the overwhelming weight of his actions affecting me again but stronger and I had to make a major effort to hide it from Yamato-sensei and Kakashi-sensei. Thankfully Gai-sensei approached us and he asked something to them and I found the perfect opening for me to leave. I turned around with a fake and easy smile and false joy and I left behind the party and the happiness within it that came from my friends' wedding. I walked through the high rooms and long halls decorated with flowers and ribbons till the fewer people that came and went walking happily and laughing disappeared. I found out a balcony that was empty and faced the forest surrounding Konoha and I placed my pale hands on the banister lost in thought with eyes drifting in nothing in particular. I couldn't see anything in fact. I just spaced out there wondering how I hadn't taken in account my father's disapproval and anger towards me when I knew I was going to come back to my village. I was so busy and stressed out sorting my feelings about Sasuke and our current way of living that I had to make perfect here that I had lessened the effect my own father had on me with his coldness. Probably I deserved it for being so stubborn and blind, for being so stupid and hopeful. I sighed deeply not daring to dwell anymore in it, it was more than enough what I was going through with what had happened between Sasuke and I, and I couldn't cope right now with my father's hate. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok even if I deserved to be chastised till my dying day because of my wronged way to decide. Anyway I knew that I couldn't get anything good basking in my stupidity and dwelling in my sad and pathetic sort of mood. There wasn't a magic device to turn back time and more important than it; I didn't want it if I had to erase Miyu's existence and the time I had spent with Sasuke when we had made love. I couldn't ever regret ever those two unique specific things I had in my life and just thinking in it tore me apart. I loved those two dark haired persons that had become my family in one way or another and then I smiled softly staring dreamily at the sparkling ring on my finger. And because of them I had to do it right from now on or at least die in the trying.
Gaara had been watching him from a long time ago. Around the both quiet and distracted shinobi the celebration went on and on and the noise was loud as it could get and the people was having fun in any way possible in the massive party where you could easily be lost and found hours later. He narrowed his observant eyes locked on the person that held his attention and wondered once more if he should do something or not. Apart from the watched one he was the other person among the people reunited there that seemed to be sort of spacing out. His mind found itself attracted to watch silently the distracted one in his sister's wedding and his wondering had turned from the people dancing to the quiet young man then. He heard his brother's laughs at his left side and by the corner of his jade eyes he looked at him chatting warmly with Kiba and Chouji. At his right side a few steps away his sister was dancing, smirking and talking at the same time with her new husband. They looked happy. His attention fixed again on the table where the distracted one, as himself, was, and tried to order his ideas about it. Should he do something? He had watched the medic nin a moment ago trying to deal with one of her own troubles when she had met someone she hadn't expected to see and she had left the party behind with sadness that it couldn't be hidden in any way possible in the kind of place they were right now. Where she could have gone?
He got up not noticing that a pair of emerald eyes was locked on him and without anyone else noticing around he went out of the big and joyful celebration just like the medic nin had done a long ago. Immediately Gaara stood up and slightly frowning decided he followed the object of his observation's way thankful that nobody noticed his absence either. They had a very good reason to celebrate and be happy anyway after all.
After following him Gaara didn't know how long he had been standing there in complete silence looking at her not daring to make a simple sound and let her know that he was there. For some reason he didn't want her to know, for what it seemed to Gaara who was quiet and still watching at the couple. He had watched him standing there like some sort of enchanted statue just staring at the young woman who by the way was absently looking outside with her body rested against the edge of the balcony. She seemed to be lost deep in thought and then he wondered what the three of them were in fact doing being so quiet and spacing out so far away from the noisy and joyful party being held in the giant room a few halls away. He was taken aback when he felt that he was being watched in response and faced the stare greeting him with a little nod of courtesy and respect. The Uchiha furrowed his brow and looked at him showing a little surprise that was dispelled in a second and then he glared just as he was probably wondering why a kage was watching him. Anyway he seemed to remember the importance of the title even if the person was bothering and made a reverence just out of the title the watcher held. He turned around barely hiding the fact that his onyx eyes had gone for a second to the young woman unaware of their presence so close and exchanging a serious glare with the Kazekage he started to walk away from the balcony and the wedding's party. The pair of intense black rimmed eyes followed him and Gaara was aware that the Uchiha heir had decided to not return to the party. Silently he followed him once more after he landed one last time his intense gaze on the back of the young woman with pink hair lost in her own world and sighing saddened standing on the balcony and soon he reached him just when Sasuke was on the top of the stairs that guided to the entrance of the immense building Gaara's brother had chosen to have the party. Outside the wind was fresh and Konoha was alive in its own special way and the carved in rock faces of the former Hokage were staring at the village and the citizens in antique power and silence. Gaara stared at them for a brief moment before frowning and turning his glance to the young man that was about to descend the white stony steps.
"Sasuke"
He called with normal voice and this one stopped and turned half way staring curiously at him. The Kazekage was standing there looking at him with unreadable face just as his.
"I'm a little overwhelmed too." Gaara started coming to the Uchiha heir's side and sitting down on the top of the stairs casually. He could felt Sasuke staring at him intrigued. "I'm not getting used to this kind of reunions yet. They're different from villages' meetings."
Gaara stared at the front and watched some kids playing a few meters away laughing happily while they were watched by a pair of old women who were gossiping and smirking. Probably they were gossiping about the wedding, he guessed.
"I need to tell you something." Gaara began again after the silence that had followed his last words and he felt Sasuke sitting down too beside him but a little away. By the corner of his green glance he could see him staring absently at the kids too. He could felt the weird tense aura filling the air and he knew that Sasuke didn't feel comfortable right now and probably he didn't want to deal with him. He had that sort of look that could tell that someone was thinking deeply hard in something that it's bothering and distracting. Anyway he recognized and appreciated Sasuke's effort. "You wanted to comfort her."
The dark haired young man turned quickly at the pale kazekage slightly caught off guard, something he couldn't quite hide and Gaara couldn't quite miss. The kazekage just observed him by the corner of his eyes but could catch Sasuke's reaction perfectly. This one regained his control over himself that had been lost for mere seconds and fixed his obsidian narrowed eyes on the kids playing again.
"You wanted to comfort Sakura-san." Gaara paused briefly not noticing any other slight change in Sasuke's behavior, hidden or not. "It's comprehensible. She's your wife and the mother of your child. I think she would have appreciated it."
Sasuke clutched softly his balled fists that rested on top of his knees. Gaara knew him and found some similar traits between both, and he knew that surely what he was going to say it was going to get mad the dark haired shinobi, but he couldn't go on without saying anything at all, not after the scene he had witnessed at the Uchiha family's home back at Sunagakure. Gaara considered himself a person who didn't like to beat around the bushes for so long when he felt the situation was important to deal with. He couldn't get rid of the image of Miyu Uchiha staring back at him with some innocent understanding of the things that were happening to her family. When someone as her was in the middle of it, he couldn't just stay without voicing out loud what he thought. He felt that he owed it to Sakura for what had happened so long ago when he had tried to destroy Konoha.
"Why you didn't do it?" Gaara asked without any reclaim or ill feelings directed towards the now mute Sasuke. "I guess I didn't really ask what I wanted to ask." The redheaded leader said after a long pause where he could feel Sasuke's uneasiness and silent bother was turning into something else. The once host of Shukaku took a deep breath and narrowed his eyes still locked in the kids playing and fooling around. "Why you haven't told her what you feel for her?"
He turned slightly his face and attention to Sasuke after the words were out and lingered in the fresh and quiet air. The onyx eyed young ninja didn't flinch or was startled by the question, nor did he tense up or glare angered for the other's intrusion that in fact didn't have any right to meddle. Gaara knew that they weren't really close friends so Sasuke had all the right to be mad at him for meddling in his private life and personal feelings. The leader observed quietly and calmly how the other just relaxed when his hands weren't balling anymore and his distracted black gaze locked thoughtfully on the stony white stairs.
"I'm not saying that you're in love with her." Gaara added then glad that at least Sasuke hadn't gotten up enraged. "I'm not saying that I know exactly what you feel for her either. The point is that you haven't told her nor showed her, that you feel something for her. Something more than just the common recognition of her role in your life as the mother of your child or the girl you know since you were a little kid, or the teammate she was for some years for you." Gaara paused. "Or the girl you know that has loved you since forever."
Sasuke finally moved a little and let out a deep breath that it seemed he had been containing. His black orbs narrowed in deep thought.
"She doesn't know that now you have other feelings for her or that you're seeing her in other ways different from all those. Instead you're running away from it and you're doing a big effort to not let her know anything, to not slip anything. You fought very hard against your true wish to comfort her just a moment ago, when you were watching her in silence and deciding to step out or not."
Sasuke finally reacted as Gaara had expected and tiredly got up absently landing a hand on the banister. But he didn't seem angered yet and the Kazekage got up too and remained strong and still as a rock staring at the same scene of the kids playing and laughing happily without any worry in their world. He wondered if Sasuke hadn't reacted badly at him because he had caught him and he couldn't deny the facts. A lonely and soft frowning was all Sasuke showed up in his pale face.
"So now the only thing left is to know why you're doing it or not doing it. You and I aren't exactly friends and in the past we had our differences but your little family and friends are dear to me. I can guess why you're acting like this, why you don't want to get close to her, why you don't want to let her know what you think and feel for her, even if it isn't exactly love." Gaara half turned around to go back to the party of his big sister but kept his gaze on Sasuke all the while. "For what I know about you and what had happened to you I can only theorize about it, but let me tell you something. Not minding anything at all you shouldn't just shut yourself from the world and the persons who really care about you. You care about Sakura-san, that's something I'm pretty sure about, I had seen it and I had sensed it even if no one else could figure out or perceive it. And I think it's not only because of the natural and common ties that come along the way both your life had been linked, it's something else, and you won't know what it could grow up to be one day if you don't give it and give yourself a chance. Don't bring back more pain, suffering and useless hopes to someone who really cares and loves you either. Don't go in circles because you're scared of what could happen if you give up once to what you really feel and want."
Gaara didn't say anything for a couple of minutes as Sasuke was staring back at him with unreadable and serious face. The green eyed young man noticed him balling his fist that landed on the banister and the slight furrowed brow he wore while they were facing each other silently and calmly with elegant strength. He didn't think that Sasuke in fact was furious with him, but he knew that this one didn't like to be chastised about it and was bothered by his words. He again, couldn't help to thank him for his effort to keep his control and listen even if Gaara was wrong or not. He wondered why Sasuke hadn't left him there when his little speech started, like he had expected him to do and if he has been right in all his guesses voiced out.
"If I'm mistaken then I beg you to forgive me." Gaara said honestly making a little reverence of recognition before starting his way back to the celebration. "But life is too short and much more if you're a ninja. It shouldn't be wasted, don't you think?"
He noticed the slight suspicion and startle painted in the face of the dark haired shinobi that his words provoked but soon as everyone could expect, Sasuke was cold and collected and finally glaring at him.
"I'll go now."
Gaara turned all the way around and started to walk towards the entrance to go back to the wedding's celebration of Temari and Shikamaru. He couldn't let her know that he wasn't there enjoying it, after all, it was her wedding, but he had said what he wanted to say and it was over. He couldn't do anything else than wait and see if he had been right or not.
Sakura heard the footsteps after being drifting into nothingness and easing herself about his father's indifference and turned around to see the leader of Sunagakure walking calmly and quietly along the hall. She didn't try to attract his attention because she didn't feel in the mood to pretend and smile not even to their friends. She felt stronger now and calmer, but that didn't mean she didn't feel the loneliness, sadness and aching that had placed inside her heart since a long time ago and that was wrapped with Sasuke's presence all over. She remained there for a long moment till she breathed a couple of times deeper and closed her eyes feeling a lot better emotionally. This wasn't the time to be mopping around and feeling blue, she knew it and repeated to herself, two of her friends had gotten married and she needed to celebrate it with all the joy her heart could find within against all odds. She smiled happily remembering Temari and Shikamaru dancing their first piece of music and resolved to return to the party and just enjoy and laugh like if nothing else could bother her anymore. It was time to say goodbye again to her depressing side and maybe even dance. She wasn't going to stay a lot of days in Konoha anyway and who knew how long it was going to take her to come back to stay permanently in her village when her job in Suna was completely and successfully done.
She turned around shaking her head a little with her closed eyes and brushing her pink hair with her bare fingers when she sensed that someone was there with her in the balcony. She somehow knew who it was just feeling it in some unexplainable way but she knew that she had to be mistaken. He didn't have any reason to be there nor be looking around for her anyway. She opened her jade bright eyes curious about it with calm expression and a soft and easy smile and found herself standing in front of the one she didn't expect to see there. She was surprised and furrowing her brow as her hands lost interest in her hair and her arms descended slowly, and she looked at Sasuke staring at her in quietness that now was common in him and still and graceful as a mannequin.
"My, you scared me." She let out with a nervous little laugh and then calming herself and feeling the common sadness washing over her when she remembered how things really were, she simply smiled. "What's up?"
Sakura wondered what he could be doing there, why he could be haunting her down. Why he had taken the time to look around for her? The Uchiha didn't react in any way for a long minute and locked his black gaze on Sakura's clear and intrigued eyes. Then surprisingly she watched him speechless and startled rising his right hand and directing it to her natural pale face. His other arm went straight to her waist resting strongly there and he leaned over to kiss her plenty on the lips in a motion that was weirdly quick and slow at the same time to the pink haired young woman. She was frozen in shock staring with big eyes and mouth gaping like a fish his pale face a mere few inches away and her lips longed for his to be touched desperately. The soft brush of his perfect fingers provoking electric waves through the skin of her cheek made her flinch in her amazement and curiosity and without really thinking it her mind won over her heart in the race of getting a reaction out of her stunned state. She backed away and forced her own hands to end the unusual caress and frustrated kiss and repel Sasuke's closeness with a strong push against his chest. This one was so obviously startled by her actions that Sakura could perfectly read it in his face, she could see his soft painted surprise and how he immediately backed away few steps backwards with graceful pace. It was such a rare thing to see in him that the medic nin was lost in silence for a couple of minutes wondering in what kind of situation Sasuke could have reacted like that and couldn't figure out any. Then she wondered why she had reacted so quickly and aggressively at it and knew that she had reacted coldly at it because her mind had reminded her in what terms their relationship were. Sadly she smiled inwardly somehow proud of herself and at the same time heartbroken at her new found courage to avoid his close contact.
"Don't." She said with clear and calm voice and jade eyes full of determination. She frowned a little getting a grip on her still shaky from surprise body. "Don't start it again."
Sasuke was stiff and still watching her intensely with serious and always unreadable expression. Was he hurt? Did he understand? Why he had done it? Was it because her last behavior towards him hadn't been enough to let him know where she stood now? Somehow she felt angry for his distraction or indifference about it, for his coldness or perhaps dislike for her, like if he could know it and didn't care if what he wanted was something physical for a moment. She knew too that she wasn't totally right in thinking and doing it, so that was why she controlled herself and tried to talk and act calm and collected.
"I don't want anymore of that." She simply said looking at him sincerely after averting her eyes for a long moment to collect her soul tattered in pieces. "I know that we talked about it after we got married but we had had moments that shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry for not keeping my part about it. But I'm asking you to do your part as you agreed too, please, that's the only thing I'll ask of you." She paused briefly trying to read his piercing attentive glance but all she saw was the same everyone saw in Sasuke Uchiha's black orbs. "I'm guilty too for doing something we agreed in not doing, in trying to have things our marriage doesn't have and it had been wrong of me to try to change that when we both knew it since the beginning. So I'm sorry for forgetting it and since now I'll be what I knew I was going to be when I accepted to marry you." Sakura nodded once calmly and with a little sad smile trying to contain the pain she was feeling inside and that it was trying to burst through the pores of her skin. Sasuke's intense watching over her didn't help at all but she had to be strong. That single and short caress and lost kiss had awakened so many things within her that her heart was still recovering from it and her soul was burnt because of his contact. "For whatever reason you were going to… anyway, don't. There's not necessity in pretending between us when we're alone, it's enough to do it around others."
She shrugged not giving importance to the painful truth behind her words and what they really meant, not digging deeper in the full significance. She wanted to say so much more like how she was sorry and felt like a stupid for bothering him with the same old thing, but she shut her inner mouth knowing that the important matter was out. She wanted him apologizing in some way too for the confusion he had brought with acts like this, confusion and suffering, because she knew that it was a lost cause and she didn't have the strength right now nor she wanted to get into an argument just because of it when this day had to be special and happy. She wanted him to apologize for toying with her feelings when he was perfectly aware of what she felt, but the major part of her told her that it was useless and it was all her fault for staying with him all this long and not putting a stop before to end these foolish games between the both. She casually averted her eyes from him and kept looking at him too like if the situation didn't matter to her anymore or didn't hurt her like it was doing it indeed.
"So don't worry."
Sasuke furrowed his brow after she let out those words and she wondered if she had angered him with them. How could anger be first than noticing how hard it was to her to say them? Yes, he doesn't notice because I'm not there within him. She just felt the common sorrow bathing her completely before she sucked it up. After a silent minute she decided that it was enough and they both had to return to the party of their friends, so she started her way back to it quietly with frozen calm in her taken steps. When she was beside him she caught by the corner of her decisive and sad hidden eyes when he raised again his hand to try to grab her and she stopped briefly startled for it. She couldn't see his face in fact because his black bangs covered it to her and she waited despite her mind hurrying her to move without really not knowing what to expect. She thought she had seen him opening his lips like if he was going to say something but probably she had seen wrong. Later he was quiet like always with tight lips forming a line and the still frown wore by his face and his hand that had lingered in the air towards one of her paralyzed wrists had returned to hang by his side. Sakura blinked saddened and resigned and prepared herself to leave.
"We must go back to the party."
The pink haired medic nin waited some sort of response from him in vain. He was still and quiet with his attention fixed on the horizon the balcony let see and she just breathed deeply before turning away and walking along the hall. She didn't wait enough to see that she hadn't been wrong and Sasuke's lips had parted again and his eyes had narrowed in thoughtfulness.
"Sakura"
And they had said her name in such a foreign way to the young man after being sealed by the mute voice locked inside the Uchiha's throat just when she wasn't close to hear it anymore.
Sakura POV
We stayed at Konoha only a couple of days more after the wedding. Those two days had been difficult in their way thanks to the persistent and discrete watching the Council had on Sasuke and me, but we had played our roles with mastery and I knew that he had understood what I had talked to him the day of the wedding perfectly. He didn't dare again to try to hit on me if I could call it like that and he only did his part about it when we had to. We were together most of the time to erase any tiny doubt the Council had about the reality of our marital life and it was hard and heartbreaking as always, but I did my best knowing that I have to protect him and help him even if I couldn't get the prize I wanted all along. I couldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened because I was too much hurt or discouraged to follow the lead, so that was why I did all I could to show that Sasuke and I were a perfectly normal married people and that love was there. I had promised when we had gotten married to keep him safe even if he was from himself and I only prayed to have the strength and somehow gain his coldness to act. After seeing my mother and friends I felt so much happier and stronger and I could live with Sasuke just feeling that familiar wave of sadness and melancholy, but it didn't bring me down to my knees and make me want to burst into tears as before and I was proud and hopeful of it. Perhaps it was true that you could get use to anything when you live with it everyday. When we finally packed our belongings and said farewell to our friends and my mother I was really smiling in the happiness I could find in my situation and I was content and resigned maybe like I hadn't been ever. It was quite strange and nostalgic but at the same time it helped me out to get through life and really live it not expecting anything more of the only thing I wished for. But somehow I knew that not everything was going to be just peachy between Sasuke and I after that talk and eventually the words were going to come back to haunt me somehow but I was ready to face it. With that certainty and assuredness I went back to Suna with my little family and the two remaining sand siblings to finish the job I had started there and give Sasuke the peace he seemed to not be able to find in his own village. I had noticed it furtively and I knew that he somehow couldn't be calm in Konoha like he was in Sunagakure and I understood it after everything that had happened. In our way back to the village of the Land of Wind I wondered inwardly if I shouldn't return to Konoha permanently to live again. Sasuke seemed comfortable in Suna and maybe I needed to think deeply in the possibility of not coming back to our village. I knew I had to consider it from here on but I didn't say anything to anyone about it. I was going to watch Sasuke from now and later when my job was done in Suna I was going to decide then.
After our comeback to the village placed on the desert I started to realize that the talk Sasuke and I had on Konoha had really changed things that were somehow on the way to do it before we had even traveled to attend Temari's wedding. We both focused in our work and we only were really together as a family when matters related to Miyu came along, but apart from that we lived separated lives more than ever. Sasuke even started to sleep in the guests' room and after the first night when I had noticed it and I had been quite surprised and somehow saddened in a bittersweet way, I had to say that in some sort of strange way I thanked for it. He was careful enough to hide the fact from our little daughter who didn't notice that we weren't sleeping in the same room anymore and I didn't say anything to him not wanting to dwell again in the same old hurting thing. The first night it had taken me a long moment to really fall sleep as I laid there on our former big and comfy bed resting on my side and facing his empty spot with nostalgia. I had gotten used to have him there even if he was very far away from me and I missed his presence even if he didn't care about mine. Since we had left Konoha behind and we were traveling back to Suna, I had noticed Sasuke's sulky, distracted and indifferent mood, more than ever he was like the Prince of Ice I had meet a long time ago. He wasn't rude with me or anyone else particularly, at least to the ones like me who knew him truly, but maybe for others outside it he was cold and rude. I didn't say anything to him or try to meddle in how he was dealing with our stranded, weird and tense relationship, he had his own way just like I had mine but that didn't mean that the pain wasn't there. It took me time and will to get used to the idea of not having him here with me on nighttime as before and to give him the chance to live our married life as he felt it the best. Like I had felt before, I couldn't deny that a part of me thanked him for his somehow strange courteous way of not trying to hurt me anymore, if I can consider his actions like that, because every time I remembered that short caress and lost kiss I had to suppress my urge to smack myself and not scream in despair and anger for my decision. I knew I had taken the good one but my heart didn't leave it in peace, and in times of weakness I felt fragile about it and I longed for his close company even if we didn't touch in fact. Along with working like crazy and keeping my home clean and good and my daughter happy and unaware of our problems, I found myself sighing deeply lost in thought whenever I was too long lonely. I called it my melancholic moments and I didn't dwell in them and in fact I chuckled amused at the irony of my good humor about it. I was proud of myself for not crying and taking everything in calmly and resigned, and with the pass of days somehow I found a new peace and bittersweet happiness with my life. I was proud of Sasuke's achievements and his dedicated life to his mission as a shinobi, I admired him in that part of his life and I was truly happy for him when he received recognition from it, especially because he didn't neglect Miyu for it, he always found time to be with her and be his father. I couldn't complain about him as a good provider and a good father, even when I had wanted the complete package Sasuke Uchiha was. He respected my job and put attention to my things related to it, and I thanked that because somehow I knew he was sincere and wasn't pretending just to compromise to his wife. We didn't spend the same time we used to before our journey to Konoha and our talk, but we somehow were aware of the other. The only thing that concerned me was the times when I had caught him staring strangely at Miyu, with some expression I couldn't unravel and when I had caught him spacing out so deep in his inner world that he didn't notice me watching him. I knew he wasn't hallucinating, thank God, but the essence of the moment worried me. Anyway my job kept me hardly busy and soon I knew that my job here was going to end. Days and days passed by, nights and nights passed by, and sooner that I had guessed and expected three more months had gone for us living here in Suna and the moment waited for me to decide what to do next was quickly coming. Surely Sasuke was calmer and maybe happier here than in Konoha, I wasn't very sure about the last part, but he was honestly calmer and that eased me.
But even with that I couldn't picture myself living away from my birthplace, from my beloved Konoha and the family and friends I had there. I felt torn trying to decide the best for my little family and I knew that I had to sacrifice if it was needed for Sasuke and Miyu's happiness. Maybe Sunagakure wasn't in fact my own village but I had a happy life here even if it wasn't Konoha and this one wasn't in fact very far away from here. Could I stay here permanently just to have Sasuke so calm and relaxed? Could our coming back to our village affect him so much even to worsen his situation again? Were we protected from the Council's impending plans and distrust for Sasuke? Could their dislike for him reach us here? I was sighing tiredly and thoughtfully washing the dishes totally by myself in the kitchen and staring outside by the opened window when I heard someone coming in. I had had the afternoon free and Miyu was at one of her little friends' house joining a tea party. I felt worse when she wasn't around distracting me from my endless daily musings. Today it was the most important, my job here was almost ended and if we had to go back to Konoha we had just a couple of days left to spend here and prepare everything to our journey. I was looking forward to watch Temari pregnant, after all, she was approximately in her eighth month and she hadn't come back since her wedding to Suna due to her state and her siblings' concern. I smiled happily trying to imagine her right now and remembering my own old memory of that time with Miyu that I fairly put attention when someone came in with soft but steady pace. Even if it was Sasuke I had grown to not get startled and jumpy at his presence anymore, to not be nervous or feeling like the dumb girl in love I was. I had tried so hard to act normally about it, even maybe a little coldly, because I couldn't let him reach me and burn a hole through my heart again with any tiny detail his presence or actions could give away. My heart still beat up like a drum and I felt my stomach losing gravity in a good way and my breathing almost became pure deep sighs of love, but I had learned to hide all that or at least disguise it with the things I could use from the surrounding like it was now the mere kitchen and the washing of the dishes. I turned slightly to find him sitting down at the table and I looked calm and glad at him in a normal way, like a normal welcoming between us. I didn't let my eyes linger on him and I returned to my activity that it was almost done. Sasuke remained there quiet and motionless and staring at the space like if he had something very important to think about and I didn't hear him getting up for a very long moment that I took finishing my chores. It was weird how it wasn't exactly tense the atmosphere between us anymore but it wasn't totally peaceful either, it was difficult to explain how I felt when I was restraining the turmoil of feelings he stirred deep within me and how I wanted to play normal in this daily act, and it was all that limiting me to really know and explain to myself how I felt. Probably I didn't want to really know it like it was a very bad habit of mine. I suspected why he was there and that it was concerning my almost finished work here and I couldn't help to wonder how he felt with it like I had been doing it. I waited a moment to start talking about something we needed to discuss anyway as the married couple we were, and I tried to really find the right words and the final decision that it could came from our conversation even if it was one-sided. I took a deep breathe and I stopped my actions when a few dishes were left to be washed and dried.
"Do you want to go back to Konoha?" I simply started not seeing the point in beating around the bushes. What was the difference? I knew that he liked better to be told the things straight and right away. "My job here is almost finished. We need to take a decision." I paused for a long moment till I finished my chores at the kitchen and then I turned around staring calmly at him and trying to read his thoughts and feelings somehow in his always serious expression. He wasn't looking at me then but I knew he was thinking hard in what I was trying to say behind the lines. Did he want to stay here or go back to our village? "You're calmer here." I said suddenly and shyly and he immediately averted his onyx eyes to lock them on me. I felt a shiver running through my spine due to the intensity of his look but I controlled myself when I noticed his surprise for my observation. He disguised it immediately with his permanent calm and collected personality but I had clearly seen it. Was he really surprised to know that I observed him? "I don't really understand it and I'm not complaining or reclaiming anything." I added resting my tired body on the sink behind me where a few dishes were expecting me to be washed. "We had had a very good time here, don't we?" I smiled recognizing it was the truth. "But the dateline for us to decide is coming to an end and I wonder what you think and feel about it. And I know that you had been calmer and probably happier here than in Konoha and we are a family and we have to take all our decisions together." I knew what I had sad the last. I didn't want him to know how obvious (more than he surely knew) was for me his well being and how much I cared for him even to sacrifice, so I had played the family card even when it was right at the end my mentioning about it. "So, are we going back to Konoha?"
I waited in silence for a long moment staring into those black pools for eyes of him with calm and expectation, but Sasuke didn't react in any way and he didn't give me any answer in any way either. I wondered concerned what he was thinking and why it was taking him so much to give me his last words about it, but when I didn't receive anything from him and he seemed to be lost in his inner thoughts I supposed that his answer had been the one I had been expecting all the time: He didn't want to go back.
"Alright." I said kind and understanding despite the nostalgic I felt for our future from here on staying in a village that wasn't our own but trying to analyze everything that had made him take such a decision. I knew him since he was little as me, I knew part of his life and I could perfectly try to understand his denial to go back to a village where surely he didn't feel totally welcomed and at ease. And I was worried that if I forced him to return to Konoha his rare illness could worsen when he had finally seemed to have it under control. I wasn't going to risk all that only because I felt melancholic. "Then I'll talk with Gaara-san to ask him for a permanent position in the medical squad."
I smiled not feeling fully saddened because I liked my life here and I felt that things could work out better in some ways that Konoha couldn't do. That was another truth I couldn't deny to myself. Here we didn't have the same pressure we had there and the stress wasn't going to affect me as much as it had done it in my village. I contented myself noticing the advantages and good things that could come from this decision and I felt glad realizing that everything could work out. Probably one day we would be able to go back to Konoha when the situation was better, because something I had learned was that the future wasn't set on stone and my own life was a living proof. I turned around to finish washing the dishes calmer than before not feeling the pressure to talk about this with Sasuke anymore, the decision was taken and I didn't have to worry about that and I could go on with the next part of my life. I heard Sasuke getting up from his seat in his elegant quietness and then I heard his soft and graceful pace going towards the living room of our comfy and silent home. I was musing about what job I could perform here and imaging Naruto's reaction about our permanent staying in Suna and I couldn't help to chuckle picturing his face in my mind. Surely he was going to make a fuss about it. My mother was going to be very sad and that concerned and touched me. I sighed deeply trying to organize the things that were going to happen when everyone knew about our final decision of not going back to Konoha as possible consequences. Would they be supportive? Probably my father was going to be the only one happy for it.
"We should go back."
The words and the voice who said them startled me immediately. I stopped washing the last piece of porcelain and my body stiffened after it had flinched by the unexpected event. Even when I hadn't heard that voice since a long time ago I knew perfectly to whom it belonged and I was petrified wondering if I hadn't imagined the entire whole thing. I couldn't dare to turn around to see if he was still there or if I was hallucinating, I remained tense and motionless with big eyes and opened mouth for seconds that seemed ages wondering afraid and amazed if I had heard what I had heard. The tears pricked at the corner of my eyes against my own will. I had waited for so long and so longingly for him to say something, more to say it to me, I had hoped so much for it, I had dreamed it, and now he was here and he had said something to me and I couldn't move fearing that I could dispel the enchantment of the moment with a single reaction of me or a single damn tear that wasn't following my mental order and was rebelling against me in alliance with my leaping heart. I had to stifle a strangled sob fighting to get out through my burning throat and I knew I had to force myself to turn around and face Sasuke and confirm the truth. I wanted so badly to ask him so many things and my mind was being rolled over by the multiple questions trying to form words with my voice. I listened to myself babbling just in time when I was ready to turn around after I almost dropped the washed dish and I had set it on its place with shaky movements.
"We should go back."
He repeated again and I couldn't help to flinch again listening to the sound of his beautiful voice again. I knew then that I hadn't been imaging and then the analytic part of my brain processed the fact that he had repeated the same words for some reason. Then I thought that probably he thought that I hadn't heard him and that was why I hadn't reacted in any way and I was like a freaking frozen statue standing there without facing him. I needed to force myself to get out from my paralyzed state and see him, I needed to say something, to say anything, to show him that I had listened to him and that I had registered the fact and that it was huge to me, and everything was so big and so complicated because I didn't want to throw myself over him rejoicing in the happiness I felt that I couldn't really start to decide which was the better response to it, no, I couldn't throw myself to his arms after our talk, and I couldn't go back there, but I was so relieved, so happy, so hopeful, and he was surely thinking that I was deaf or angry or possibly I was just the same old stupid girl he had known all his life. Sasuke was there and he had spoken finally after being silent for so much time and I felt such a peace that the tears burned my eyes once again stronger and I had to breathe deep still inwardly trembling and bracing myself. I couldn't wait any longer and I turned just in time when he was staring at me from the doorframe and was talking again leaving me speechless and in the verge of tears of happiness and realizing how much I had longed to listen to his velvety voice, especially talking to me, just me, and my wish had been granted and I felt blessed for the first time in a very long while.
"We should go back to Konoha."
He said for the third time and I knew that his talking didn't mean a thing for him, he wasn't really showing any sign of being surprised or glad for being able to talk again, and then I knew that if he was acting normally and like if nothing special was happening right and then in that kitchen was because he had always known it. He had always known that he could speak and that he wasn't mute forever as most people thought, including me. The mere idea shook me inwardly and I surely was now facing him still dazzled from the amazement of watching him speaking to me and trapped in the thoughts that came from it. Probably he thought I was the same stupid girl he knew, standing there speechless and watching him like if he was an alien or something of the sort, but insightfully I was processing that fact. Sasuke was very aware that he could talk if he wanted even if I wasn't sure if it had been for a very long time or lately. Strangely enough I felt both relief and anger, I felt the relief of knowing that he hadn't lost his voice forever like all of us feared and I felt the anger too, an anger rising inside me for him not giving us a damn freaking clue about this important discovery. Did he really felt so little for us to not lifting from our shoulders the concern and sorrow we felt for his particular lack of voice? I was fighting the desire to run to him and just shook him or scream at him for it, I was hardly trying to really convey the turmoil of thoughts and feelings I was living in the moment because sincerely this action of him was huge and the thing bothering me and preventing me to jump in happiness and joy was that nagging little thing of him of acting like if nothing was happening even when he could see clearly how much affected I was to hear him speaking so good. I felt the forming of a frowning and I tried to stay calm and be just glad for it and to try to understand and ask him the reason that was exploding inside my head.
"There's nothing here for us." Sasuke added like if yesterday he hadn't been mute and the day before and all this time in fact. The anger battled against my relief and happiness as I shook still marveled and enchanted for hearing him talking to me, watching me. Inwardly I could hear myself screaming things that naturally deserved and explanation but I remained quiet like an idiot staring at him still in awe. "We don't need to stay any longer. Your plans must go on. Prepare everything to go back to Konoha."
Sasuke folded his arms across his chest and lowered finally his hypnotizing black stare. He wasn't looking angered or demanding, he seemed to be more like thinking deeply in something as he rested his back on the wall and he was just his serious self, calm and collected. I didn't know if he was ignoring me or he had forgotten I was there or if I was so a little thing that he didn't think in me there. Right then my anger, relief, happiness and shock were dancing in a dangerous waltz and I had to take a deep breathe and left behind the fact that he had talked. Sasuke had said something at last. But now my mind was saying other kind of stuff, like WHAT THE HELL? COULDN'T HE SAY "PLEASE"? For crying out loud! How could he act like this? How could he not notice how this little one sided conversation still had affected me? How he couldn't know that I was there waiting for an explanation like a normal person would do? I frowned deeper now getting rid finally of the amazement and still feeling the happiness and the relief, but more strongly the anger and shock. How could he not guess what I was feeling and thinking now, not even if I wasn't in love with him, just for his particular little surprise?
I had lost my watching over him listening to all this inside my soul that when I was aware of it and I focused my eyes on him again I flinched watching him staring back at me again with a strange expression and a new sense of tiredness written all over his pale beautiful face. I pondered about his strange expression after I controlled the flinch a little ashamed of myself. Was I seeing there mockery or expectation? That's enough, I told to myself breathing deeply and narrowing my eyes set on him. He wasn't going to get out of this just like he had done it several times in the past, no Sir, I needed to know, I needed an explanation, I needed to know what that little expression of his meant, so I braced myself and still with the happiness and relief flowing through blood inside my veins I walked straight to him and I set myself in front o him and some things occurred then. First of all, I wondered why he hadn't left me there after he had said what he wanted to say like the old guy Sasuke would do. Why he hadn't move when I came over? Then I noticed that I had lost my strength and bravery with every single damn step I took from my previous spot to here and now I was startled by my weakness confronting him. Was my anger and shook stronger than my happiness and relief? Should they be stronger? I opened my mouth to say what I wanted to say then but I closed it after my eyes locked with his and I was swollen by his cold serenity and powerful stance. He dropped his arms to his sides and remained there in front of me looking in my direction like if he was waiting for something. I was so messed up with myself that I didn't get what it could be till he blinked and closed his eyes for a couple of minutes before setting them on my face once more.
"Now the mute one is other I guess."
That was plain mockery and he perfectly knows it, I told myself inwardly and reddening in shame. I noticed another slight change in his face but I didn't care right now enough to really analyze it. I put my hands on my waist in a defiant and strong posture (according to me) and I glared at him with an expression that spoke of my longingly feeling and the truth despite all that I had in my mind and heart. I was sincerely and fully happy for this.
"I don't remember you being the quiet type, Sakura."
Sakura. He had said my name and I felt like melting with every sound of every letter coming out from his velvety voice and pronounced by his wanted lips and when I could get out from that spell I was startled by his commentary and I knew then that he was teasing me. Somehow despite his lips being in a tight line I could see the glimpse of a smirk there and I don't know how but I could see it. For a moment I felt worse when I thought that it was better when he was mute because I felt more vulnerable now that he was speaking and having a conversation with me, I felt weaker and fragile especially if he was having the upper hand and was teasing me with that little secret smirk of his. I'm a bad person; I had to be it if I felt better when he couldn't speak because I didn't feel like a prey then. I blinked feeling my face warming and surely blushing but I narrowed my eyes and I wore a furrowed deep brow. Sasuke cocked an elegant eyebrow with gracefulness that I don't know how the hell he had gotten; probably he had been born with it. For a moment I thought in playing his game and acting naturally about it, ignoring the fact that he had spoken after a long time and that we all had guessed he was mute forever, but then I knew that it wasn't who I am and the playful part of me thought that he was expecting that. I couldn't help to smirk inwardly feeling both happy and surprised by the little moment we were having. Somehow it felt like a normal thing a couple would do, and the mere significance of it saddened me profoundly and kept hidden behind my serious mask for face that I had set on for him.
"How can you speak? For how long you have been able to do it? Why you didn't say anything?"
All my anger and shook evaporated as I spoke and the hurt I felt for the questioning was the only thing left inside me. Couldn't he see that we all were worried about him? How he couldn't see it? Why he couldn't see it? Sasuke narrowed his eyes and for the first time it seemed he had lost track of the moment and he was now the startled. He stared at me quiet for a long moment as my face couldn't hide the relief and happiness I felt, but the hurt was plenty written all over it. When he didn't say anything and just looked at me I felt the anger returning again and I took reaction at it shocking him by the arms glaring serious at his onyx eyes.
"Explain it!" I cried out with despair. I felt my eyes burning and watering but I controlled their urge to spill the damn freaking tears. "Don't you know how concerned we all had been? Do you know how much we all prayed for you to regain your health, your voice? Can you see it?" I paused noticing that I had grabbed him a little stronger than I had guessed and I lessened my grip till I dropped my arms and embraced myself lowering my jade blurred eyes. Maybe I could look like I had weakened somehow but I still held strength within or so I hoped it. "I'm sorry. It's just that I'm so relieved and surprised for it."
I said finally after calming down and taking a deep breath, lifting my face to meet his once more. He hadn't move till then and somehow I felt guilty for my outburst. When I should have acted gladly for this impressing discovery I had attacked him. Was I being now softer? Was I always going to be weak when he was around and would I not act in the right way? I blinked away the annoying tears and I felt at least proud because they hadn't spilled like I had hardly tried to do. We didn't look at the other for a long silent moment and I was aware then of our closeness that minutes ago seemed an advantage due to my fighting mood, but right now it was the other way around. We were mere inches away from the other and strangely enough it didn't feel awkward like other times. I didn't know if it was because we had talked about it and we had taken our own way to deal with the nearness that came along with our pretending marriage or if it was because we had had one of those moments that I treasured with all my heart and were so simple and few that I didn't really care what the answer was. The fact that moments like that could happen between us despite all helped that part of me where hope lingered and I didn't want that because I had been living in the reality since days and nights ago and I knew it was for the best, but the heart wanted what it wanted and I couldn't deny the existence of that possibility to my praying soul.
My musings were stopped when I looked up and met his face and I noticed again a little change in his expression and now I put attention to it. He had shut his eyes and squeezed them and I read from his face that he wasn't feeling good and in fact he was feeling some sort of pain. His body was stiff and tense and his seriousness had grown scales from the common. Immediately my body responded to his suffering and my medic mind started working, and soon I found my arms grabbing his again but this time with softness and carefulness. I frowned worried, confused and focused noticing his paler face and the black ring surrounding his eyes, now more than ever when he had them tight closed.
"Sasuke, what's wrong?"
I asked deeply concerned and sorrowful and when he used me to support himself I knew that it was worse than I had thought. The medic nin in me forced me to act with calm and coldness even when my soul was tearing apart to watch him like this and I helped him to get to the chair where he had been previously sitting and I left him resting there as I hurried myself to get him a glass of water. Sasuke remained sitting there with troubled and pained expression. I watched him by the corner of my eyes trying to hide my intense preoccupation and fear for the worse just when he had turned his attention and tired glance to me. I trembled within just watching him focused in me.
"Sakura…" He said my name again and my eyes burned harder this time. "Sakura… it's ok…" He repeated my name and every time he did it, it affected me a lot more and my world trembled but I forced myself to be strong and concentrate in the matter at hand and I held the glass of water in my slightly shaking hands looking heartbroken and worriedly at him. "Don't…"
I approached him and put the glass of water in his hands noticing he couldn't talk and I sat down beside him as I watched how he drank a little from it and then he set it on the table with his hands around the crystal glass. He had drunk it just the half. He seemed to want to talk again but he was clearly unable to do so, I saw it in how he coughed and how he closed his eyes tightly, in how much it was showed in his face that he was hurting right now. I wondered why he hadn't taken the rest of the water, I wondered why I hadn't gotten up and bring more for him to drink, I wondered about the words he had said minutes ago and what they meant, and it was then that the thought crossed my mind and I blinked confused, intrigued and still concerned watching him with my soul in pieces. What he had wanted to say? Why he wouldn't say that he could talk now? My eyes watered again against my will imagining theories until I was spacing out so much that I didn't notice when he softly had put a hand on top of mine that were nervously entangled lying on the table, ready to go in his aim if he needed them. I was surprised for this gesture and I flinched and blinked thanking the last to erase my stupid need to cry in despair and I looked for his eyes and I found them staring directly at me. Sasuke seemed a little better and was calmly and seriously staring at me but the pain was still there at the back of his black beautiful eyes.
"It's ok, Sakura." He said again and I felt a shiver running through my spine and not only because of what he said and how it affected me, but for the truth behind the line he had used. "Don't overwork yourself."
I noticed again the little grimace worn by his face after he had talked to me and my mind started to light up and I didn't like it where it was heading. I took the hand he wasn't touching to my face and covered my mouth deep in thought and trying to not cry like I had been trying since this conversation had started. Could it be…?
"You wanted an explanation." Sasuke paused with soft and affected voice. "I couldn't talk before, for a very long time, till I started to get better with Tsunade-sama's treatment." He retrieved his hand after he had noticed he had my attention and I missed the touch of his skin with mine. Anyway I sucked it up listening to him and praying for not be what I thought it was. "I could talk again from some weeks till now… but it's useless anyway."
Sasuke started to cough again and he closed his eyes tightly and his hands went to the sides of his face like if he had a very really bad headache. I could see the pain he was feeling and I panicked when I started to see the trial of blood coming out of his nose and the shaking his body showed. Some drops fell to the table as I watched wide eyed and speechless totally shocked and worried.
"Can you see it?" Sasuke said softly with hoarse voice opening his eyes and watching me behind the black bangs of his hair falling on his face. He was hunched over the table still grabbing his head with calm and collected behavior. My throat burned and hurt and my eyes really had a very bad time controlling the unshed tears trying to fall apart. "I don't do it because it's useless…" Sasuke trailed off and he averted his eyes and I took advantage of it blinking quickly the tears away before he locked his gaze with me again. "It's the same… it's provoking the same…"
He shook stronger this time and the blood still came out and the pain increased in him and I could see all of it and I was being destroyed by it. I knew then why he hadn't said anything about him being able to talk, why he had kept it secret and why he hadn't wanted to tell it to me or the others. Even if he could talk now thanks to the treatment he couldn't in fact do it without suffering some sort of consequence, and this one seemed to be like the one I feared the most of all his symptoms, even above his hallucinations. It was provoking him a seizure and I could see it happening now in front of my burning and filled with tears eyes and it was killing me as it was hurting him so much. I had to stifle the sobbing I sensed that wanted to get out from my throat and I took my hand to my mouth covering and breathing deeply and closing my eyes for just a second. I felt the tears falling finally but right now I couldn't care less. I didn't burst into tears at least and these tears were calm and totally and more truly sadder than a really crying, and the recognition told me why I felt so much sorrowful, concerned and aching than if it had been the other way around. I felt the resignation he felt. I tried to calm myself and I was glad that at least Sasuke wasn't looking my way too busy dealing with his own suffering and pain. I frowned decided watching him silently fighting that mysterious and silent sickness he had, and I took one of his hands again not minding what we had talked back at Konoha or what it could meant to me or to him this simple action, that didn't matter right now when something so much bigger and more important stood in the way. He reacted immediately turning to me with his eyes now opened and looking glassy and exhausted. He had pulled out a handkerchief and had it in his other hand against his face, covering his nose. I didn't want him to speak again, because just like I had witnessed and had analyzed he seemed to get worse if he talked more, and I guessed that a long and clear conversation could endanger his health. I ached just picturing that terrifying scenario.
"Talking provokes you a seizure, I can tell that." I started trying to control the tremor in my voice and the despair and pain I felt showed in my eyes. "I can do something to fix it, I can try to help you, to heal you, when we return to Konoha I can work with Tsunade-sama and Shizune and Ino and we can find some way for you to talk without suffering a seizure, please, let me help you, I'm sure we all can"
"No." He cut in interrupting me and I watched him surprised and startled by his response. I looked at him ignoring the tears now dried on my face and I squeezed his hand that was between mine in a supporting way. Why? Why he didn't want me to do something? I was about to ask totally confused, intrigued and even angered born from despair than from really anger when he freed his hand from mine and he quieted me putting his index finger on my lips, in a clear signal to silence myself. I couldn't help to blush and feel the electric wave he sent always to me through simple and mere physical contact, but the worry, pain and sadness I felt won over them and I watched him with big and teary eyes and clearly confused expression. He stared at me for a moment in silence and I knew he was gathering strength to talk again. I wanted to tell him, even scream to him to not do it if it hurt him but he won me again. "There's nothing to do. Do you thing I hadn't tried to fix it? You can check me up if you want, but you'll realize I'm saying the truth. There's not need for that." Was he thinking in me not getting hurt if I saw it for myself? "But it's ok." He added coughing again and grimacing in visible pain and my heart went to him. "It's ok." I knew what he was trying to tell me. He was fine with his situation of not being able to talk ever again to avoid this terrible thing that was happening to him. I knew from watching him that he was expecting me to really understand what he had said and I, despite what I was, a medic nin, and who I was, the one in love with him, nodded as I closed my eyes and more tears fell rolling down my face, quiet tears. I didn't feel the pressure of his finger against my lips anymore and when I opened my eyes I looked at him still pained and saddened to my heart of hearts. Could I really not do something for him? "Don't stress yourself for something that it will never be fixable. It's fine."
He coughed again into the handkerchief he was holding against his face and grimaced in plain pain and the tears increased in my eyes but I controlled myself and I breathed deeper like I had been doing it for a long moment to ease myself and it was my time to silence him. Now it was my finger that was on his lips quieting him and he stared at me a little surprised and with those profound and intense black orbs of his with calm I couldn't really measure. I had dared to do that not really thinking it and I fought back the nervousness and shame I felt for touching him even like this. But the truth was that we were partners in some way and we needed to deal somehow with it despite my feelings for him.
"I don't want to see you in pain like this. If you cannot talk then don't do it." I said feeling anger towards whatever or whoever caused this in him. "I don't need it. I hadn't needed it all this time." I smiled softly and sadly. Anyway I wasn't going to let this go so easily, I was a freaking medic nin! I needed to try something! I got back my hand slowly and shyly and I clutched it against my chest trying to not feel blushed for what I had done and I took a deep breath to calm me down before saying what it was left to say. "Let's go back home."