Chapter 25:
One month later;
"Was it really necessary to intimidate the doctor?" I asked Brittany. We were in the kitchen at her apartment and she was making a sandwich for the kid, who was watching TV. We had just come back from the appointment with Alice's doctor.
"I wanted to make sure that she really didn't need the surgery." She told me, looking down at what her hands were doing and I was leaning on the counter next to her. The blonde was on edge these past couple of days, she was so closed off that she reminded me of when I had first met her.
"Why would the doctor lie about that?" I asked frowning and she shrugged. "I think that if she had any doubts she'd order more tests, especially after you scared her so much." I said pointedly and crossed my arms in front of my chest.
"Then it worked." She told me and I rolled my eyes. "Look, I wanted to make sure, ok? If it was that easy, just giving her that blowing thing, then why didn't she do it all this time?" She asked me. The doctor had given to the kid a weird thing that had small balls in tubes and you blew through another tube so the balls would hop. Little Alice would have to do exercises with that thing to strengthen her lungs.
"I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But it sounds way less scary to me than an open heart surgery, don't you think?" I asked her.
"Yes. That's why I wanted to make sure. I'm not taking any risks when it comes to the kid, Santana. And if that means making some to-the-point questions then…whatever." She told me and shrugged and I arched my eyebrows at her.
"Your 'to-the-point questions' doubted practically her whole career." I said pointedly but she didn't react. She didn't even look at me, so I sighed. "You're being fucking irrational." I said and clicked my tongue. I couldn't understand what the problem was, I didn't know if I did something to her, or someone else. I glanced at the clock on the wall to see that it was time to leave. "Well, I have to go back to work." I said and she nodded at me once, letting me know that she heard me. I shook my head in desperation and left the kitchen to go where Alice was sitting on the couch. "Ali girl, I have to go now, ok?" I asked and sat next to her and she immediately climbed to sit on my lap.
Little Alice had warmed up to me from the start but the last month we had come closer and connected more. It was because I had spent most of my time at their apartment. After that night at the hospital when my father died, Brittany had told me that she wanted me to go stay with them for a few days. She had said it was because she didn't want me to be alone, and I agreed. Not because I didn't want to be alone though, I was doing just fine living by myself, but because I wanted to be with them. But the few days turned to a whole month, I was going to my apartment just to change clothes for work. And that led to connecting with them, learning little things about them that I didn't know before and effectively falling more in love with both blondes.
I was sure Brittany knew this, so I didn't know why she was shutting me off. I decided to sleep at my apartment that night, maybe if I gave her some space she would stop being so on edge. Maybe that's why she was on edge, because I was getting closer to her and her daughter. I didn't know why she would have a problem with that. But I definitely wasn't about to stop seeing the little blonde, she had helped me so much when I lost my father. She was cheerful and happy and carefree and I just couldn't be depressed around her for long.
"Ok." Alice told me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and hid her face to the crook. She was probably tired, we had spent the day at the doctor, doing tests. I rubbed her back softly and she hummed.
"I won't see you tonight." I started but I was interrupted before I could say that I would see her the next day.
"Why?" Both Brittany and Alice asked me. I looked up to see Brittany standing right in front me and frowning, holding Alice's plate. I frowned back at her, I thought she knew why and I also thought that she would be relieved about it. She placed the plate on the coffee table and picked up Alice, placing her on the floor to eat. She turned back to me putting her hands on her hips and looking at me expectantly. I sighed and stood up.
"I don't understand what's going on with you, I think I'm the cause of your tension and I don't like it." I said whispering, so the kid wouldn't hear us. Although the tension only started two days before and I probably wasn't the reason, I didn't know what it was so I assumed the worst.
Brittany actually seemed to be happy that I had agreed to stay with them, she told me so herself. We had slept together every night for the last month. I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to sleep by myself ever again.
I had missed her though, not in the way of missing her because I wasn't seeing her but in the way that I wanted her. But she wouldn't even let me touch her in a way that wasn't platonic. At first I didn't want to either, not because I was sad though. It was more out of respect for my dead father, although he wasn't my favorite person lately. But it wasn't just sex, it was a way to show my love and care for her, a connection that she didn't want to have with me. I didn't dwell on it though, there must had been a reason for Brittany to do that.
Brittany was looking at me, her face expressionless but her eyes were saying so much more. Blue eyes were pleading for me to stay and not leave her. I sighed and bend down to kiss Alice's head.
"I'll see you tonight." I told her, making my decision to not give up on my girlfriend just yet.
…
The rest of the day at work went by quickly, like every day. Fortunately, Sugar didn't come to see how I was doing that day. She was coming by the firm every few days to check up on me. Quinn was checking up on me more often too, texting and calling to see what I was doing. At first I didn't say anything, it didn't bother me that much that they cared about me. But I was fine, I wasn't depressed and whatever happened with my father certainly didn't affect my ability to do my job right. I didn't know if I was supposed to feel guilty for feeling like that, so I wasn't thinking about it and I was enjoying the peace in my life. Or the peace that existed until two days before.
After work I went to my mother's and uncle's house to see how they were doing.
"Are you hungry?" Maribel asked me when I went in the kitchen.
"Yes." I said and kissed her cheek. She nodded and turned to prepare something and I went to sit at the table next to my uncle. He smiled at me and patted my hand.
"How was work?" He asked me and I shrugged.
"Tiring." I said and he nodded. He definitely understood, he was a lawyer too before he retired. "How are you?" I asked and gestured towards Maribel who had her back towards us.
"Everything's fine." He said and smiled at me reassuringly. Maribel was doing surprisingly better than I thought she would. Of course she was sad for her husband but it was obvious how relaxed she looked, how her movements seemed to be lighter. I nodded and sighed relieved.
"What are Brittany and Ali doing?" Maribel asked me.
"They're good." I answered and she turned to me, fixing me with a look that clearly meant that she didn't believe me. "Well, Ali's good, she won't have the surgery. I don't know about Brittany." I said.
"Why?" She asked me.
"I don't know, she's just not herself these days." I said.
"You know you should just talk to her." She told me and I frowned.
"Yeah right, because talking with her is the easiest thing in the world." I said sarcastically.
"You can't be in a relationship with someone you can't talk to, Santanita. Besides Brittany talks just fine with me." She shrugged. Brittany was easy to talk to once you got to know her, but at that moment I didn't know what the problem was, it was like I didn't know her. But Maribel was right, she talked with her just fine. She even told Maribel about what my father did to her. At first she didn't want to because she didn't want to seem like she was accusing him, but Maribel insisted. And when she found out what happened she felt so bad that she apologized on behalf of my father. I didn't think Brittany liked that but she just accepted the apology without saying anything.
"I think Brittany loves you so you don't have to worry about that. Something else must be going on." My uncle said and I turned to stare at him.
Brittany never said that she loved me and I never told her that I loved her, although I was sure that she knew it. I had told her that I was falling for her some time ago. But my uncle got me thinking, if she didn't love me she wouldn't trust me with her daughter, she wouldn't want me to practically live with them and she wouldn't be there for me through all of this that happened with my father. What was the problem then?
"I think Brittany loves you too." Maribel added while she placed a plate of food in front of me. I rolled my eyes.
"Alright guys, I think it'd be better if she said so herself." I mumbled and started eating. My uncle chuckled at me and I turned to glare at him. "It's not funny." I said bitterly and he shrugged.
"I think we spent a lot of time not being happy, Santanita. You should just go and talk to her so you can move on and be together, happy and in love." He said and I frowned. I didn't think it was that easy, but I agreed that I had to talk to her and I would do that as soon as I got back to the apartment.
…
When I arrived at the apartment I could feel the tension before I didn't even get inside. And when I opened the door I confirmed my suspicions that Brittany was in the worst mood that I had ever seen her. And that said something.
Alice was sitting on the couch and she was crying and Brittany was sitting at the table in the kitchen, holding her head in her hands and watching her daughter frowning.
"What's going on?" I asked, closing the door behind me. Brittany fell completely on the table and hid her face in her crossed arms and Alice stood up and came to me. I let my bag fall to the ground and picked up the kid.
"I want Nemo." She said sniffling.
"She watched the movie three times!" Brittany snapped and I widened my eyes. I glared at her but she ignored me and went back to hiding her face in her arms on the table. I clicked my tongue at her behavior and started to take the kid to her bedroom.
I sat Alice on her bed and then grabbed a paper from her mini-desk and wrote down the alphabet.
"Are you hungry?" I asked her and she shook her head 'no'. "Alright here, I know you know it already cause you're the smartest but write it down again and I'll be right back, ok?" I asked quickly and she nodded while she sniffled one more time. I sighed, getting angry with my girlfriend because she made the kid cry, I didn't even want to know what she told her to make that happen.
I went back in the kitchen to find the tall blonde just how I left her. Her arms crossed on the table and her face hidden.
"What's your fucking problem?" I snapped quietly. The last thing we needed was the kid listening to us fighting.
"What?" She asked, her voice muffled because she didn't even bother to look at me.
"Don't you realize what you're doing? Your crappy mood doesn't affect just you anymore." I said frowning.
"Does it affect you?" She asked me and I huffed.
"Fuck that. It affects the kid, you snapped at her for no reason!" I said exasperated and she finally looked up at me.
"She's my daughter. I can do whatever I want with her." She told me while standing up and I snorted.
"You know what? I don't give a fuck what the papers say. Right now only one of us is acting like her parent and that's not you." I said angrily. She turned to fix me with her piercing gaze and I swallowed thickly. But I didn't regret what I just said because I was right. "I think that you should go away." I told her then and she arched her eyebrows at me.
"You can't throw me out of my own apartment." She said and crossed her arms in front of her chest.
"I can when you're acting like this. Go away, calm down and when you'll be able to talk like a normal human being come back to tell me what is your problem. Talking to you is like playing fucking chess, one wrong move or word and you snap. And spoiler alert, I always, always lose. I'm sorry but I can't keep being with you when you don't talk to me." I said. She stared at me for a few seconds, it seemed like what I said got to her. But she didn't say anything, she just went to the fridge to grab from the top her packet of cigarettes. She threw me one last frowning look before leaving, shutting the door loudly behind her. I clicked my tongue and ran a hand through my hair.
I thought I made a mistake, threatening her that I couldn't be with her when she wasn't talking to me. After everything that we had been through, I was sure we would get over this as well. Besides it had been only two days. But I wanted her to be open with me and if something was bothering her to tell me and not keep it inside. That would cause more problems, like snapping at the kid without a reason and confusing her.
I sighed and went in Alice's bedroom to see what she was doing. I found her lying on her bed, on her stomach, and I smiled at how adorable she looked, being focused on writing on the paper that I had given her earlier, her tongue poking out in concentration. I went to sit next to her and saw that she had attempted to write our names, Brittany, Alice and Santana, and drew little hearts around them. My heart melted and I leaned down to kiss the top of her head.
"The smartest." I said and she giggled. She stopped what she was doing and turned to lie on her back, looking up at me.
"What did I do?" She asked me and I frowned confused.
"What?" I asked.
"Why is mommy mad?" She asked me and I sighed. It made sense that she was wondering what she did wrong. I didn't think Brittany ever snapped at her without a reason.
"Honey, you didn't do anything wrong. Your mommy's just stressed out and taking it out on the ones that she loves. But don't worry, she loves you very much and everything will be fine." I said softly.
"Promise?" She asked me holding up her pinky and I chuckled before connecting my pinky with her tiny one.
"I promise." I said. Although I didn't know if Brittany was going to be fine with me, or anyone else for that matter, I was sure that she was going to be fine for her daughter. "Come on, it's time for bed." I said then and little Alice stood up so we could change her clothes. I helped her put on her pajamas and then she fell in bed again.
"Night Tana." She told me and I leaned down to kiss her forehead.
"Goodnight, sweetheart." I whispered before turning and leaving Alice's bedroom. I closed the door and let out a long breath. I decided to take a shower and wait for Brittany to come home.
…
I was lying in bed when my girlfriend finally found her way back home. It was midnight and I was tired but I didn't want to sleep if I didn't know what was going on. I heard her shuffling around before going to the bathroom. I sat up and leaned my back against the headboard. After a minute or two Brittany came in the bedroom. When she saw me she seemed to be relieved. She ran a hand through her hair and let out a shaky breath. She slowly took off her clothes and put on shorts and a tank top. I didn't talk to her, I waited for her to talk first. But she didn't say anything either. She just came and sat at the end of the bed, her back to me. After a while that we sat in silence she spoke up.
"I didn't go anywhere, I was just outside the building." She told me, although I didn't ask her where she was.
"Britt." I breathed. I wanted to touch her and say something but I didn't.
"Are you going to leave me?" She asked me.
"Honey, no. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that." I immediately said. I didn't want her to think that I would just leave that easily. That I wasn't willing to fight with her, because I was. "I just want you to talk to me." I added.
"Don't apologize, you're right and I'm sorry." She told me shakily and leaned her elbows on her knees, her head hanging down. "I know it's not an excuse for snapping at you and Ali but…" She trailed off and covered her eyes with her hands. She was shaking and breathing heavily.
"Britt?" I called, trying to understand if she was crying.
She turned around to reveal her puffy red eyes. She crawled on the bed and came to me. She let herself fall on the mattress and rested her head on my thighs. She took a deep breath but she ended up choking back a sob.
"I just miss them so much and I don't even allow myself to think about it." She let out and brought up her arms to hug my legs. But I shuffled down the bed and turned on my side to hug her and hold her close to me while she shook from her sobbing.
I realized why she was in that mood, what she was talking about and why she was crying. I remembered the tattoo on her lower back and the date that was written on the ribbon under the two angels. 'July 13th, 2001'. That day was the 11th. I sighed and felt like an idiot for not thinking about that.
Brittany was a crying mess in my arms. The last time the blonde cried was when she was sure that they would take Alice away from her. But that had lasted for a few minutes. This time it was like she finally let herself free to feel. My heart broke hearing her being in so much emotional pain. So much pain that it became external. She cried until she couldn't breathe anymore. Like someone was ripping her heart apart. But at the same time it was like someone was putting the pieces back together, relieving her from her pain. And I was glad that I was there to hold her when she was going through that phase. It caused my eyes to water as well.
I didn't know how long it took for Brittany to stop sobbing but it definitely drained her. I heard and felt her breaths even out and I sighed. She actually cried herself to sleep, but I was glad that she didn't hold herself back once more. That she showed how she really felt about her parents. I leaned forward and kissed her forehead before allowing myself to sleep as well.
…
When I woke up it was still dark outside. I figured it was really early on a Saturday morning but I didn't want to move and wake up my girlfriend that was still sleeping in my arms. I sighed when I remembered that she was crying until she fell asleep and I tightened my arms around her and kissed the top of her head, not knowing what this day would bring. My actions caused her to wake up and she pulled back from my chest to look up at me. Her eyes were still red and puffy. She seemed to remember what happened a few hours ago too because she sighed and bowed her head.
"I'm not even allowed to cry but you make it so difficult." She told me, her voice hoarse.
"I make it difficult?" I wondered in my own raspy voice and she nodded.
"Because you always look at me like you're fucking proud of me. Look at me now, it's been thirteen years and I still can't deal with it. Do you still think that I'm strong enough?" She asked me. She tried to get away from me but I tightened my arms around her so she wouldn't leave. She was stronger than me but she didn't show it or maybe she lost all her energy because of her crying. She just relaxed back against me.
"Yes, I still think you're strong enough. And who told you that you're not allowed to cry?" I asked her and she sighed. She started playing with her fingers between us and I shuffled down the bed so we would be at the same level.
"I'm not weak." She mumbled unsure, probably understanding that this wasn't the right way to think.
"It only makes sense to grieve for your lost parents, it doesn't mean you're weak. How were you supposed to deal with it when you wouldn't allow yourself to think about them and cry?" I asked.
"I don't want them to be disappointed." She said and rubbed her face with both hands. "Or ashamed." She added, her voice muffled because of her hands.
"They can't be disappointed or ashamed. They're proud of you." I said reassuringly. "You took care of your sister and you were only fourteen. They can only be proud." I said again. She looked up at me and cupped my cheeks. She brought me in and kissed me for a few seconds before pulling back.
Her hand went up my arm and tugged so I would hug her tighter. We were silent for a while, she seemed like she was thinking really hard about something. My hand was going up and down her back, occasionally disappearing under her tank top and rubbing warm soft skin.
"They were killed." She finally said after a while and let out a shaky breath. "Murdered." She added shakily, making my eyes widen in shock and still my movements. That wasn't what I was expecting. "Don't stop doing that." She told me and brought her hand up to my arm. So I started rubbing her back comfortingly again. "They were in the car, they were supposed to go camping. But they never made it. The police said that there was a man in the area stopping cars pretending that he needed help but he was actually killing the passengers and stealing their belongings." She continued quietly. That was tragic and devastating. I didn't really blame my girlfriend that she didn't want to talk about it. She had to though and I was glad that she did. "I'm not supposed to know that." She told me then.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because my grandma had told us that they died in an accident with the car, but I overheard her when she was talking with the police. Anna still thinks that it was an accident." She answered.
"Your grandma?" I wondered. That was the first time I was hearing about a grandmother.
"My dad's mom. She was living with us and we stayed with her after…And she never really liked us. She didn't like the fact that my dad decided to marry someone that wasn't American." She told me and I subtly shook my head in disapproval. "She couldn't handle the loss of her son so one year later she died too."
"What happened to you?" I asked and she sighed.
"Nothing. I continued taking care of my sister, San. I told you, my grandma never really liked us. She was just drinking, she wasn't taking care of us. She didn't care." She shrugged.
"But Britt, how can two kids live alone?" I wondered. If they stayed with their grandmother and she died one year later then Brittany was just fifteen. Both Brittany and Anna had to go to an orphanage. Brittany cleared her throat and shifted uncomfortably against me.
"We didn't tell anyone that she died." She whispered and looked away from me.
"How did you manage to do that?" I wondered and she shrugged.
"You can do whatever you want if you have money. Or if you're willing to do this…" She trailed off and shifted on her back, spreading her legs. I frowned, I really didn't need to think about my girlfriend with someone else. I turned to settle on top of her, because the one second that she wasn't touching me was too long.
"Britt…" I trailed off, leaning my weight on my elbows, and reached down to kiss her flower tattoo that was on her chest. She brought her arms around me and hugged me like she never wanted to let me go.
I couldn't imagine what it would feel like losing your parents so tragically when you were just fourteen. How was Brittany supposed to deal with such a horrific event? She didn't have a support system, she had to take care of her sister and she had to live with a grandmother who was ignoring their existence.
"And how did you make a kid not say anything about that?" I asked then, wondering how Brittany managed to close Anna's mouth about her grandmother dying. Brittany chuckled and I frowned, I didn't find anything funny.
"I turned on the radio and tuned in somewhere that there wasn't signal and all you could hear was that weird sound and I told her that it was the aliens and if we tell anyone that grandma was gone they'd come to get us." She told me and I stared at her before snorting a laugh.
"Are you serious?" I asked and she shrugged while nodding.
"She's blonde." She told me then and I rolled my eyes at her self-sarcasm. Brittany cleared her throat and went back at being serious. "My grandma hit me a couple of times too. I was stronger than her but what was I supposed to do? Hit an old lady? So I just didn't say anything." She shrugged.
"I'm sorry that this happened to you." I told her and she shrugged. Brittany had been through so much, hearing about it made my heart broke but at the same time I fell more in love with her.
"I'm sorry too." She said. "My sister and Jake are in Chicago right now." She told me then and I arched my eyebrows in surprise. "Anna has gone the last two years but I haven't gone back there in nine years. And I haven't gone to their grave for twelve years." She said not looking at me.
"You should go." I immediately said, causing her to turn to look at me again.
"In Chicago?" She asked with arched eyebrows and I nodded. "San, no." She said and shook her head.
"Why not? I think it'd be good for you." I shrugged and she bit her pierced bottom lip, looking at me unsure. "Do you feel any better?" I asked her, wondering if it helped that she opened up to me. She gave her answer by leaning forward to connect our lips.
"Thank you." She whispered against my lips and I sighed before kissing her again. I didn't want her to thank me for listening, I wanted her to never stop telling me how she was feeling and what she was thinking. After a while I pulled back.
"Imagine how much better you'd feel if you talk to them." I said. She seemed to be thinking about it, her hands going up and down my upper arms, making me shiver because of her touch.
"What about Ali?" She asked me and I shrugged.
"You can introduce her to her grandparents or you can leave her with me and go alone this time. They're not going anywhere, they're always gonna be there and here." I said and brought my hand where her heart was beating fast inside her chest. She swallowed thickly and let out a long breath.
"I think I'll introduce her to them another time." She whispered and I nodded my agreement. It would be good to focus on dealing with this by herself and not having Alice there too. Besides, she would have to explain to her what happened to them. Alice was probably going to wonder where her own father was. "But…" She trailed off then and frowned at me and I frowned back questioningly. "You won't come with me?" She asked me and I arched my eyebrows in surprise.
"Do you want me to?" I asked and she immediately nodded. "Are you sure?" I asked and she nodded again. So I nodded my agreement, causing her to kiss me again.
"Santana." She breathed then against my lips, causing goosebumps to rise on my skin. "I love you so much, I think it's not normal and healthy." She whispered.
"I don't know how you do that." I said and she pulled back to frown questioningly at me. "You make my heart melt and break with just one sentence. You love me but you don't want it to happen, you can't control it." I explained.
"You're right. I can't control it and I didn't ask for it. But I feel so fucking lucky that it happened to me. That you came to my life. I needed you but I didn't know it. I actually believe that if you didn't pressure me and put up with my bullshit, basically not giving up on me, I wouldn't do anything and I would live to deal with the consequences of not having you in my life. I would live to be miserable and sad for the rest of it. I think falling in love with you is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Ali being born is somewhere up there too I guess." She shrugged.
I leaned in to kiss her again because she made my heart beat so fast that I was afraid it might get out of my chest. Her words made the struggle to overcome the obstacles in our way worth it. So fucking worth it that I actually believed that I would do it all over again a hundred times if the result would be this. I didn't regret anything from our journey because I got to fall in love with Brittany and she got to fall in love with me.
"I love you too and I think it's the most normal and healthy thing there is." I said and she hummed her agreement. I shuffled my arms between the mattress and her back and hugged her tightly, hiding my face in her neck.
I was so relieved that she finally opened up to me and told me what happened with her parents. And I was so proud of her because, although she didn't believe it, she was strong. She had been through so much and had come a long way telling me about it. And telling me that she loved me too was just one more thing that made me fall even harder for her.
"I missed you these days." I whispered against her neck and she sighed.
"Baby, I'm so sorry." She said and I shrugged, pulling back to look at the blue eyes that I loved so much.
"Don't apologize to me. But I think you should apologize to your daughter because she was asking me what she did to make you mad." I said and watched as her beautiful facial features shifted to show how guilty she felt about it.
"Ok." She whispered. "Hey, who are we gonna leave the kid with?" She asked me like she knew the answer but she was asking me anyway. But I didn't know the answer so I shrugged helplessly. "With abuela." She told me and I arched my eyebrows in surprise.
"Wait a second." I said and narrowed my eyes. "Maribel told the kid to call her that?" I asked and Brittany shook her head 'no'.
"She asked me first." She shrugged and I frowned.
"And you don't care?" I asked her.
"No, honey. I trust you both with Ali with closed eyes. You because you're you and Maribel because she raised you." She told me and I kissed her again. I couldn't believe that some hours ago I was angry with this person.
"And when did all of this happen? Where was I?" I wondered.
"You work a lot." Brittany said I rolled my eyes. I pecked her lips one last time before standing up.
"Come on." I said and grabbed her hand to tug her so she would stand up too. "We have things to do." I told her.
I didn't know what would happen when we got to Chicago, I didn't know what Brittany's unpredictable mood would be. But I knew she had to do this and I would be there for her the whole way. Because she wanted me to and because she loved me. And because I loved her too.