Canon vs Fanon (Hetalia)

Author: Ashynarr

Summary: Because sometimes the fandom needs to be reminded what canon is actually like...

Disclaimer: Hetalia's not mine.

Warning: This is making use of my America and Canada in the comparison (as the 'canon' characters, although I will admit they aren't completely true to canon). If you want to know more, check out my stories!

((Human names are (my) canon chars, Nation names are fanon chars.))

Part the Sixth: Television Clearly Prepares You For Reality

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Normally, the sight of most of the Nations of the world gathered at their usual meeting table wouldn't raise any eyebrows. Neither would their bickering, yelling and occasional throwing of objects, all while Germany desperately tried to bring things back to order.

What was unusual, however, was that most of the chaos appeared to be centralized around America and Canada, who were looking increasingly confused as the fights around them went on.

Alfred, as this America chose to go by, slammed his hand down on the table, snapping everyone's attention to him as he yelled, "Everyone shut up for a minute so we can talk already!"

Several Nations sighed in relief as the rest quieted to low murmurings, allowing the twins to finally get a say in since they'd accidentally started a near riot just by walking into the room.

Alfred exhaled, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Alright, now that we're all behaving, I can finally say this - I'm not your America. I'm from a different universe, and my bro and I just came here accidentally. Whatever issues my alternate caused, it is not my fault and I do not want to be accused of doing them when I have no fucking clue what y'all are even talking about."

Matthew - aka the new Canada - nodded in agreement. "Basically what he said. We're not here to cause trouble, just visiting for a bit until our Tony brings us back home."

The Canadian then pressed his lips together thoughtfully, turning to England. "By the way, did you mention 'husband' somewhere in there?"

"I, ah, well," The Englishman balked, flushing lightly before glancing away and nodding sheepishly.

"Right," Matthew hummed, fingers tapping against his legs thoughtfully before he turned to Belarus next. "And you said something about a kid?"

"What about it?" The Slavic woman asked, tilting her chin in a challenge.

"Mattie? You picked up all that in the shouting?" Alfred raised an incredulous eyebrow.

"After dealing with the provinces bitching for centuries, you pick up a few tricks for sorting things out as soon as possible." Matthew replied idly.

"That's what I have Ginny for," The American shrugged. "So, you have any idea what's going on?"

"I think so." The Canadian took a breath, closing his eyes for a bit before opening them again. "Apparently, America married England here some time ago, then died and left him alone, and England sort of angsted for a while then got hitched to Canada but he still feels guilty about cheating on your memory."

"What."

Matthew continued on. "Ukraine is apparently Russia and Belarus' mother with General Winter - no I don't know how that works either - but she claimed Kiev Rus was their mutual parent instead to avoid the truth. However, Belarus found out and hasn't decided whether to tell Russia yet or not."

"What."

"Prussia is apparently dating both North and South Italy, while Germany and Spain keep trying and apparently failing at the last second to let them know Prussia's playing them both, though that might also be because of blackmail, I think?" Matthew frowned before continuing. "Also, Lithuania lost his memory and Russia is using that to convince him that they're dating even though he was in a relationship with Belarus and had a kid on the way, which apparently got lost when Russia shoved her down the stairs."

Alfred just continued to stare at his twin, eyebrows raised, while the mutterings of the room increased.

"Mexico and Cuba were apparently going to get married but she died in an accident on the way there that he blames on America, although he dropped it after Spain revealed they were half-siblings through some human women and himself. Monaco, on the other hand, is using money from her last human marriage to pay off some debts to Netherlands while also fighting in court with his human kids from a different marriage."

Matthew took a breath before continuing. "North and South Korea are China's kids with Vietnam, only they were switched at birth so apparently South Korea is actually North Korea and also evil even though that's not how Nations work at all, while North Korea is actually South Korea and trying to fix everything himself. However, North Korea has bribed Thailand and Japan to sabotage his work so that nothing gets done, all so that North Korea can take over the other's land once he collapses."

There were a few small gasps from the crowd.

"Egypt apparently aged like ten human years overnight, only to later be revealed that she was really Ancient Egypt and female all along and that she'd been hiding her identity so that her former lover Rome wouldn't come after her again. Also apparently she's now in a love quadrangle with Greece, Turkey, and Japan, all of whom are trying to woo her while also struggling with possible homosexual feelings for each other."

Alfred was resting his elbows on the table now, mouth hidden behind clasped hands as he continued to listen to his twin. Several other Nations were in similar positions, letting the info dump play out.

"Hungary is pregnant with Prussia's kid after a drunk one night stand and she doesn't know how to tell her husband Austria or if she's even gonna keep the kid, especially since she knows he's been cheating on her with Switzerland, but he also knows she's been cheating on him with Poland and Romania, the latter of which she's had Moldova with already."

Counting on his hands briefly, the Canadian finally came to the last points of his speech. "The African Nations are pretty much uninvolved besides a short fling between Kenya and France, the latter of whom is using them to try and suppress his feelings for his niece Seychelles. He's also slept with England several times even while he was married to either America or Canada, which Canada knows about but can't say anything against because he's also apparently seeing Prussia on the side, though I think that's through blackmail and not genuine affections."

Alfred blinked several times, finally registering that the other was done. "...that was literally more confusing than my first readthrough of Homestuck."

Matthew shrugged. "Hey, I've watched a lot of soap operas; the snippets I picked up on from their yelling match up enough to the usual tropes that it's not too hard to guess what's actually going on."

The American made a face. "Oh my god, tell me you're joking."

"How else do you explain why no one seems to think it's odd that two Nations who are supposed to be immortal short of full on genocide or nuclear winter both mysteriously died without any bodies or replacements showing up?" Matthew pointed out.

"Point." Alfred sighed, rubbing at his face. The rest of the room shuffled nervously, glancing between each other.

The Canadian stopped, frowning as a thought struck him. He pointed a hand towards the door, stating, "If I'm right, America and Mexico are gonna come through that door in about a minute, revealing that they've been alive all along and eloped in secret because they were stuck somewhere away from civilization for the past fifteen years."

"You know," The American mused, "I wanna say that won't happen because it's too stupid even for a soap, but I know exactly which show you're referencing, and since everything else has apparently happened so far, I'd just have to eat my words basically the second I finished."

True to form, the second his mouth shut, the doors slammed open, a ragged America and Mexico stumbling in hand in hand.

The rest of the world gasped in shock.

Alfred and Matthew exchanged weary looks.

"I am never complaining about Homestuck again," Alfred resolved.

"Same," Matthew agreed.

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AN: And here's the update of the month! Just something hilariously dumb and goes into how we all know Matt loves his soap operas, the dork. Also, yes, Alfred has read Homestuck. It's not nearly as confusing.

(Also this might be asking a lot, but when you're reading my other stories can you PLEASE leave reviews? It's really disheartening to work hard on an update and then get absolutely no feedback. I mean, I'm not gonna stop writing because of it, but...)