Canon vs Fanon (Hetalia)

Author: Ashynarr

Summary: Because sometimes the fandom needs to be reminded what canon is actually like...

Disclaimer: Hetalia's not mine.

Warning: This is making use of my America and Canada in the comparison (as the 'canon' characters, although I will admit they aren't completely true to canon). If you want to know more, check out my stories!

((Human names are (my) canon chars, Nation names are fanon chars.))

Part the Seventh: There's Something Wrong With This Picture

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This was... not to plan.

Not to say that there had even been much of a plan to this sorry job; Matt had clearly annoyed someone Down Below enough to get him babysitting duty to a couple of imps while they caused whatever mischief they wanted to on the surface. He'd figured, if he was stuck watching them instead of doing his own thing, he'd at least get himself a decent cup of coffee, since they couldn't get themselves into that much trouble in the fifteen minutes it'd take to get it done right, right?

(If nothing else, humans were a gift for producing such an amazing elixir. And no, he wasn't addicted!)

But of course, when he'd come back, not only were the imps all a groaning mess in an alleyway where they'd tried to corner someone, but that same someone wasn't even injured, which should have been the case even with these weaklings.

"Sheesh, those guys were a pain…" Matt blinked as the young man stretched, shaking his arms out before turning around to face him. "Oh, hey there-"

He stopped, glancing between him and the cup almost suspiciously, and damn did that make him look absurdly similar to one of those archangels he'd seen wandering around occasionally. "-Is that Starbucks?"

"...yes?" Matt replied, not quite sure why the other looked indignant at the admission.

The human frowned at that, lifting an accusatory finger at him. "You are definitely not the real Mattie."

"Excuse me?" The demon in disguise balked. "I am perfectly real, thank you!"

"No real Mattie would drink Starbucks because they're always obsessed with their Timmies! So fess up, you creepo." The human responded right away, making so little sense that it took Matt a minute to think up any sort of reply.

"What?"

...In retrospect, not the most eloquent response, but he was still wondering what in the world a 'real Mattie' even was.

"Alfred!" Someone shouted from behind him, drawing his attention away long enough to turn and blink as another human who looked disturbingly like his current form ran past, stopping with an exasperated sigh before the first one. "I told you not to run off."

"I didn't, though," 'Alfred' replied, looking a bit smug. "I got cornered by these guys and they wouldn't drop the issue, so I showed them who's boss. That's not important though, because we've got case of bodysnatching here!"

Both Matt and the second human stared at him.

Alfred continued, looking defensive now. "He has Starbucks, Mattie - no version of you would drink that willingly."

'Mattie' turned to look at him suspiciously, pressing him lips together at the cup as if its mere existence offended him. Matt wasn't sure how to feel about the scrutiny, and was tempted to just leave the sorry imps there and retreat with his beverage until they forgot about him and continued doing their normal human things.

"...still not convinced," He eventually conceded, though he did look tempted to accept the nonsensical statement as fact.

"What's wrong with Starbucks?" Matt asked, which was apparently the wrong thing to say, especially since Alfred's eyes widened before his entire stance shifted into the weary acceptance of someone marching to an inevitable end.

Mattie, on the other hand, seemed to swell with enough indignant rage to make a Wrath demon like himself fall into a diabetic coma of pleasure, leaving him dazed enough to stay still while the other began to rant.

"What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it?" The human nearly snarled, sending a shiver through Matt. "It's a mockery of what real coffee should be! It's nothing but horrible, disgusting lies wrapped in corporate propaganda, and doesn't even deserve to be called coffee! Tim Hortons is the only real coffee there is-"

Most of the rant following that passed right over Matt's head, too busy trying not to fall over from the waves of indignant and passionate rage battering against him like a relentless ocean. He barely even noticed the other human staring at him thoughtfully until he'd stepped forward, giving the tail he'd swore he'd hidden a good yank and snapping him right out of the haze he'd fallen into.

"Why would you-" He started to snap out, realizing only after a second that a) he'd just been found out by a mere human, and b) said human was looking distinctly amused at the whole thing.

"So that's what's up," Alfred mused, looking distinctly unthreatened by the idea of facing off against a now-annoyed demon. "Hey, Mattie, cool your jets for a second!"

"-blended to perfection with- what, Alfred?" Mattie stopped once the first human actively prodded him, ire simmering under his skin until Alfred jerked a thumb back at Matt.

"He's a demon, so I don't know if he even counts as Canadian, so he probably just doesn't know what you're even talking about."

"...oh." Mattie blinked twice, giving Matt a long look before grinning just a bit sharply. "Then I should fix that while we're here, shouldn't I?"

Alfred shook his head, turning back to the demon who was preparing for a fight or flight situation. "Sorry, dude, but he's not gonna drop it until you've been converted."

"I don't need-" Matt started to protest, only to exhaled sharply as the first human stepped forward and scooped him up in one fast motion, holding him against his shoulder like he was a backpack and not a fully grown human- well, demon. Any and all attempts to shove his way out were quickly proven not only futile, but worthless, as Alfred didn't even seem to notice his attempts.

Whoever these two were, they were not human, and that was enough to freak him out. Not to mention that nobody was noticing this absurd scenario even though he was practically shouting to be let go!

By the time he was finally allowed to escape, he'd been subjected to three different flavors of coffee he couldn't say tasted any better or worse than he'd already had (though he'd said otherwise when Mattie had gotten that seriously frightening gleam in his eyes - Matt knew damn well how to keep his hide intact), leaving the usually unflappable Wrath demon in a daze as he meandered into a nearby park, sitting down with a bit more force than necessary as he tried to figure out where everything first went wrong.

Of course, that only ended up becoming just a bit worse when he heard laughter across from his seat, the same Alfrael that Alfred had reminded him of cackling even as Matt did his best to glare a hole through him and his stupid angelic aura and wings.

"Have fun back there?"

Someone Down There had clearly collaborated with someone Up There today just to mess with him. Fuck his life sometimes.

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AN: This was supposed to be slightly more serious, but then the fifteen minutes late with Starbucks joke happened and it basically all went downhill from there. Obviously poking fun at the demon/angel AUs, though tbh I really haven't seen too much of those either. And I don't think I so much made fun of them as I made fun of the Canadian obsession of Tim Hortons (not that there's anything WRONG with that pleasedon'thurtme).