So... so much has happened since I last wrote here. I am now unsure as to the path I will take. My time slips by, faster each day, spiraling away into the ever-growing past... yet... soon my past will become stagnant... still... dead.
I suppose irony demanded it, that in my final weeks I should find someone who, had I more time, I could have attempted a dream with.
But dreams are all that I'll ever have. They used to be enough. Now... I'm not sure.
Perhaps it's a test. One final expenditure of self-control needed to finally cleanse myself of this demonic taint. As the fading manifestations within me stated, he is wise, and he is intelligent. He knows me, he understands me, and he accepts me. He is not afraid of me, nor does he pity me. He treats me like I've always yearned to be treated... like I was, more or less, normal. He comes from another dimension, like myself, and if my empathic senses are anything to go by, he understands my pain.
The perfect trap for me to fall into... no matter how sweet and desirable the bait may be. If I try to live for him, then I'll inevitably die for him... won't I?
The answers used to be so clear. Azar taught that there are three truths: Azarath, Metrion, and Zinthos. Azarath is the truth of will, a formerly unknown truth made manifest by the efforts and belief of others. Metrion is the truth of the intellect, the ability to reason as truth those things which were hitherto unknown or thought false. Zinthos is the truth of the heart, the truth one holds onto when all logic and reason demand otherwise. Together, they have guided me through childhood, through the tribulations of vigilantism, and ultimately to the banishment of my Father... an act which proved to me that Zinthos is just as worthy a truth as the others. Zinthos, which leads me to believe that I might be able to keep on living...
The various pains that wrack my body hint strongly that my end shall come at any time. The closer I come to this final day, the more I discover about myself. My emotions are more free, my powers less volatile. My teammates think that this is a wonderful thing, and I am ashamed that I have not told them.
How could I, though? They have fought, bled, sweat, and cried for me enough. Although I know myself to be unworthy of such friends... such family... I am glad that I have them. There is nothing that they could do for me, not now. The only thing that can keep me from death is a question... one which I'm less sure of the answer to.
In the end... should I choose annihilation... or apotheosis?
--Raven