Canon vs Fanon (Hetalia)

Author: Ashynarr

Summary: Because sometimes the fandom needs to be reminded what canon is actually like...

Disclaimer: Hetalia's not mine.

Warning: This is making use of my America and Canada in the comparison (as the 'canon' characters, although I will admit they aren't completely true to canon). If you want to know more, check out my stories!

((Human names are (my) canon chars, Nation names are fanon chars.))

Part the Eleventh: Man I Wish I Could Have Made This Funnier

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"Uh, I didn't do anything this time, did you?" Alfred asked his brother, still holding the burger he'd been enjoying for lunch.

"Yes Alfred, I snuck away in the middle of a conversation with you just to get us warped to another damn universe right in the middle of lunch," Matthew replied flatly, gaze dragged away from his quick sweep of the room in order to pin down his brother.

"Hey, for all I know you annoyed Tony or Arts enough to get us banished for a week or two, sorry for checking," The southern Nation shrugged, taking another bite while letting his gaze slide around the room. His gaze narrowed slightly at the decor and the clothing of the people present, doubly so at the main three presiding over it all.

"And for all I know it's your fault," The Canadian shot back, a similar expression on his face once he looked to the same people his brother was.

"Or it could be theirs?" Alfred wondered rhetorically, looking down to their feet and scrutinizing the runic designs. "Looks like that thing Artie summoned Ivan with once. Man that was hilarious, 'specially after Arts noticed and started freaking out."

"Only you, Al," Matthew sighed, shaking his head.

The Yao-analogue coughed into a gloved hand, not so subtly glancing to the two men besides him before stepping forward. "We apologize for calling on you without notice, but we have urgent needs of your services. Our country is on the brink of war, and-"

"Noooot interested," Alfred interrupted, casually finishing off his burger while the aide sputtered.

"Sorry, neither of us are willing to fight for a monarchy," Matthew added, hoping to deter the worst of his brother's rather… heated rants on the fallacies of such a political system.

"If this is about money, then-"

The American laughed, a hint of anger underlying it; his brother simply sighed and shook his head, figuring he might as well let Al dish out his frustration now.

"I'm one of the richest and most influential people in the world back home, bud, and even if I wasn't, there's no about of cash in the universe that would make me ever bend my knee to a goddamned king." Alfred's amusement died away into a deadly serious glower, and as he started walking forward more than one of the lower ranked people present stepped back in justifiable fear. "And you want us to fight a war you idiots started yourselves?"

"We didn't start it!" The Arthur-analogue snapped, Alfred's counterpart still standing firm besides him where even other Nations had started to consider retreat. "We're just trying to keep it from getting out of hand!"

"So your first idea was to call on someone else to fight your war for you?" Alfred almost snarled, just reaching striking range before Matthew caught up and grabbed his arm.

"Al, can the attitude for a minute. I think they're trying to prevent a war, not start one," The Canadian ignored his brother's glower, instead directly staring down Arthur's counterpart. "Am I right?"

"You just about have it nailed," The man replied, relaxing as Alfred backed down and allowed his temper to cool. "Someone or something has been sparking tensions along the borders, and all attempts to get diplomats through have failed miserably. We had hoped to summon heroes who could deter anyone thinking of striking at us first."

The twins looked to each other, hands twitching as they quickly signed out thoughts and ideas; the only way any of the others present had any idea what was going on were through the expressions the two traded as their silent conversation continued. Eventually Alfred sighed, pulling off his glasses to rub at the bridge of his nose before setting them back in place and looking over the regular humans present.

"Well, neither of us are gonna fight your war, but if you want protection for your diplomats, we'll consider it. As for keeping the peace and preventing future outbreaks, Matt and I have a few ideas that should work to keep things manageable. How many countries are involved in this mess, anyways?"

"The four great kingdoms, though there's no doubt the smaller ones might try and jump in if they see an opportunity," Arthur-proxy replied quickly.

"Psh, that's, what, maybe two dozen altogether then?" Alfred asked, snorting when he got an affirmative nod. "Then a UN council should be even easier for you guys to manage provided you don't fuck it up. We have two hundred countries back home, and we've actually managed to make things relatively peaceful thanks to it, so you guys have no excuse to not make it work."

"Fourteen Points," Matthew coughed, and Alfred groaned in misery.

"Fuck, this is gonna be that hard, isn't it?"

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AN: Hey look at what I'm updating again. It's been a while, and it'll probably be another while before I do so again because of all this other stuff I gotta get done whoops. I also wish I could've thrown in more humor but gahhhh so much annoying stuff going on irl. Enjoy I guess?