For Mary... Love ya girrrl... :)
A/N... this chapter deals with abuse. I've kept it soft yet it's brought to the surface.
APOV
Retiring upstairs to one of Christian's guest rooms, turning on my phone I had several texts and messages from one very drunk Kate. Demanding to know where I was, when I'm coming home sounding weepy. Returning her call telling her I was Seattle, I was met with tears like those in her voice mail. This time asking for forgiveness, begging that I don't break the lease. I'm still deeply upset by Kate's rant. She is my best friend and has been for years but Ben is my brother and if she's in-fact homophobic as much as it pains me, I have will have to distance myself from her.
Mentioning I wasn't sure what time I be back in Vancouver, she was quick to add she would drive up and also said it would be nice to see her wanted to spill her guts over the phone. I told her take a couple of Ibuprofen and get a good night's sleep...what's most needed at the moment for her is sleep. We can talk tomorrow when her head is clear. Promising to text before leaving and when she arrived in Seattle.
God how things turned into a fucking fiasco with Christian, thinking how it all took a u-turn. He's like a damned pendulum swinging from one extreme to another and I'm such a fool for I was attracted to this guy that is drop-dead gorgeous, who wooed me with a peace offering and a helicopter ride. The side of Christian that I'm attracted to is the considerate and polite. The one who listened to my stories while seemingly engaged. Naturally I do something stupid: throwing myself at him. Leave up to me to act like the countless women who throw themselves at him... I wonder if I didn't pounce on him would he have treated me differently. Chalk it up your inexperience with men. Kate may be right... Ana less writing, music and studies.. More Men...perhaps I should have just d-virginized myself years ago.
Christian the Dominant not only in business but in his personal life as well. For him it's a never-ending cycle for Control.
Oh and that contract of his... so detailed, so cold, so detached. It's nothing other than another business transaction, a M&A. He's like a robot, devoid of emotions. Finding myself conflicted. There were moments today/tonight of sheer kindness and warmth that in my hearts of hearts were genuine.
Yet his contract brings it all back home for me. The sleeping, eating, working out etc. His control is without bounds. Matched with his stalker tendencies, the implications make my head spin. And that shit about Every Weekend... That is so over the top.
He wants... No scratch that... He demands nothing short of total and complete utter servitude, unless "cleared by him". No eye contact and speak only when given permission.
I can see that playing out in a scene or during role-play, but hell this man is not looking for a Sub as it's claimed to be. Christian is looking for a Slave... Ugh add the corporal punishment aspect, while recalling his toys along the side wall, I wince at the thought. I know there are some that love doling it out as much as the ones on the receiving end, becoming genuinely aroused from pain with the accompanied endorphin rush, ultimately achieving sub-space Stop it Steele you're over-thinking. Get some sleep.
Lifting my head from the pillow grabbing the phone. It's only 2:05am.. urggggh...placing the spare pillow over my head murmuring, "This is going to be a long fucking night." By the time 2:20 rolls around I'm done stewing. I need to move around.
Peeking my head out of the door, listening for movement. Grabbing my phone to use as a flashlight I start make my way. As soon as I hit the hallway undermounted LED lights kick in. The glow is dim yet bright enough that the hall is lit. It's an adult version of a night-light. Sliding the phone in my pocket hitting the first step the entire staircase dimly lights allowing me to take in the view as a walk down. It's absolutely gorgeous here. The floor to ceiling glass, the city lights are still in bloom. Like a tons of bricks I'm hit with how silent, cold and sterile this place feels. Glancing around my memory flood at the white walls that display various paintings. The obscenely expensive Faziloi piano that sits off the living room. The leather furniture that is supple, almost too soft to the touch. This place is cold surrounded by beauty.
There are still a few steps needed to take before hitting the landing. Peering over the railing, I see no other lights.
Just as I thought, right before stepping onto the foyer another series of lights anticipating my next set of movement brightens the way. Heading straight toward the kitchen. I need to make a mug of hot milk. Hell, anything to distract me and hopefully allowing the churning in my head to stop. Milling around near the stove I realize Mrs. Jones kitchen set-up is pretty fucking sweet. Gathering my ingredients and sauce pan I set off to make warmed milk. Within a minute I have my earbuds in reciting the latest language I'm tackling. Parroting words just above a whisper when I feel he's presence. Continuing to recite, I pour more milk. Taking off my earbuds Christian's presence only magnifies, without turning around. I'm the first to speak "Christian, sorry if I woke you. I was just making a spot of milk."
hearing him let out a low breath.
"No Ana, you didn't, I was awake already, I heard noises coming from the kitchen.."
without looking around. "Why didn't you announce yourself?" Not waiting for him to answer I say half-jokingly "Not are only are you a stalker, you're a voyeur as well."
Hearing Christian chuckle, I turn to see him leaning against the wall wearing pj bottoms and t-shirt like he left for me upstairs, his left arm is crossed over his chest while his right arm is propped up and is stroking his lips with his index finger. How the hell can any one man be this damned handsome. Wondering if this is how Christian Grey looks like every morning when rolling out of bed. No one man should look this good. It's taking every ounce of energy not to bite my lower lip, which Kate always says is a "Tell" with me.
Walking towards me. Leaning over and draping his arm around my shoulder. "Smells good. I see you're using" lifting the items next to the stove "Nutmeg, sugar, vanilla. I hope you made enough for me?"
Ughhhh, why the fuck does he do this I'm a sex god vibe. I have to wonder if this energy emitting from him is something he puts-out with everyone. The more I'm around him the harder it becomes to not fall under his spell.
"Yes, you'll have a mug coming to you." moving away from his arm I reach for a mug from the cabinet pouring him a serving "Hope you enjoy." placing it on the breakfast bar away from me watching him walk over taking a seat.
I pour my own... Standing on the other side of the bar, I clutch my mug for dear life as if to keep me grounded.
By the expression on his face he knows that I was placing distance between us. He seems to be enjoying himself and that irritates me to no fucking end.
Without looking up he pursing his lips and blows.
Inhaling and as subtly as possible I stare as his lips bow, aiming and hitting the top of the mug creating ripples on the surface of the milk. Not looking up he smiles that fucker knows what he doing lifting his cup, taking a sip "Ana this is surprisingly tasty."
"Why Thank You Christian for your backhanded compliment." as if he thinks I'm incapable of something as simple as warm milk.
A couple minutes pass by neither one of talking while sipping our drink. It was Christian that broke the ice. "So what were you mumbling to yourself when I walked in the kitchen?"
"I'm practicing Arabic. My cousins and I are planning a trip to Dubai next year."
"What's in Dubai?"
"My cousins have family living there and it's a place I can tick off my bucket list. Even though the family is fluent in English I think conversing with them in their mother tongue would show a sign of respect."
smiling "Tell me about your cousins, if you don't mind." Guess this this doesn't normally show up on a background check.
"Sure. Two live in London one in Vancouver. Their names are Yasmina, Noorani and" before I get the name out I start laughing. I'm doubled over having a giggling fit and 'Chester' waving my hands around "Sorry, sorry it's an inside joke."
with marked interest, leaning forward, cupping his hand onto his face "Do tell Ana, do tell."
"Well, as I said it's a inside joke. My cousins have these lovely, exotic names and then there's Chester. Auntie basically had a melt-down when my uncle insisted on the name. You have to be there with both of them telling the story. It was the one thing my uncle put his foot down on. It's quite funny." sighing "See, its not funny unless you are family and know the history."
Grinning from ear to ear. "No Ana, I get it. I think it's a great story. Seems like you're close to them."
noticing his mug is empty. "Would you like more?"
giving me one of those sexy smiles "More? Depends Ana, what are you offering?"
immediately I feel a blush coming on "Quit teasing Christian. You know what I'm talking about."
"No Ana I'm good, thank you. What about your uncle Carl?"
boy oh boy he's burned my file to memory "I'm estranged from him and his family." I can see he wants to know more but that's about all I want to say at the moment.
Watching him as another smile part his lips "Ana let's play twenty questions"
"Not twenty. Let's do two questions."
"Why only two?"
"Two sounds about right."
raising his eyebrows meeting my challenge. "Okay Ana I'm game. You first... What's your question?"
thinking for a moment "How many submissive's have you had, contractually speaking?"
"I've had fifteen" I watch as he smirks like he's trying to get my goat. I'm nonplussed.
"I expected a higher number."
"Why do you say that Ana?"
quickly giving him a playful smile "Christian is this your first question?"
met with silence... neither one of us giving an inch.
Finally saying "Ana I think you've played this game before. Okay here's my first question...What is the extent of your sexual experience?"
"Kissing and felt up once" quickly I hear Christian adding "What do you mean by that? Surely you must have had some sort of other exposure. Oral, masturbation, mutual masturbation?"
raising my hand to him. "You asked and I gave you the truth. Sorry to disappoint you." I see his eyes widen then slightly narrow.
Quickly saying '' My turn. Ready? " giving a small smile. Seeing a slight nod "Okay, regarding the lifestyle how long have you been a dom vs sub, if in fact you were ever a sub?"
sounding a bit curt. "I've been in the lifestyle for twelve years. Six as a sub, six as as Dom."
As the realization sinks in, I feel a shiver run up my spin. I grab his hand holding tightly. "Oh my god...You were molested by a pedophile under the guise of BDSM." feeling like I want to throw-up."Christian, I'm sorry this happened to you at such a young age."
Sounding between a hiss and yell... "Ana you don't know ME and how she helped!" yanking his hand from me.
My God Christian's defending her. Not sure what to say, my mind is racing. Inhaling deeply trying to choose my words carefully "Christian... I know that respectable people in the BDSM community would never allow this to occur. As a matter of fact, They would make sure to have their ass arrested. Responsible people that explore this lifestyle would never-ever do this to a child."
"Ana you don't understand what she did for me nor do you know shit about the lifestyle."
With out batting a lash, anger flared staring at him square in the eyes "Of course I don't understand what she did to you. I don't have the mind of a pedophile or do care to empathize with that sort of bottom-feeder. Even being a Virgin, which I might add you seem to have a certain amount disdain towards...I do understand the lifestyle. I know healthy BDSM versus the sick shit people use to disguise themselves behind, and those types are nothing short of abuser to others. I'm sure your 'Dominant' and I use that word loosely NEVER took you to meet other like-minded people as a minor... I'm betting a cool million you had no Mentor and I don't mean 'Her' to help you sort out the intricacies that you emotionally or physically were met against." I can't hide the disgust that drips from my lips "I'm sure you were sent home to Mommy and Daddy's after a heavy scene, left to your own devices and strictly under 'Her' influence. Being led into it at such an age there is no telling how 'She's' skewed your view. 'She' hid you from the community that by-in-large already is met with obstacles by society that already label them as 'Perverts' and 'Abusers'." I can't help sounding bitter "Let me guess, you most likely never signed a contract with your original dominant..." I find myself distracted by the rules, when the most important aspect to this is that this Pedophile has most likely used this tactic before... saying out loud"What am I saying? There is no rationalizing this. Christian the bottom line you were sexually abused by a pedophile."
"Seriously Ana, I'm not taking advice from a virgin."
"Christian I'm not giving advice. I'm stating my point of view. The only thing I'll apologize for is how I reacted. I should have worded it a bit more delicately. I abhor any sort of abuse or violence especially towards children. But Christian somewhere deep down you must understand that who ever did this to you was not only irresponsible and they were also breaking the law." my mind is racing with all sorts of nightmare scenarios.
Neither of us talking. Looking at Christian I can't make out what he might be thinking, his face is completely impassive, his eyes cold, taking on the presence of stone statue. Quietly I say "Your turn."
cutting his gray eyes at me "Alright Ana, you have two sealed CPS files that are dated a couple months apart from each other what happened?"
"Okay it's pretty involved so I'll just give you the core details."
oozing with sarcasm "I'm all ears Ana."
the audacity of this man. This insensitive arrogant prick should know better than anyone, he too must had a case or two before he was adopted, after all he was found next to his dead mother starving. He may not have been physically abused but he should know better. He's is acting like this is because he's pissed that I went off when he told me about his BDSM history and he thinks by asking about my CPS cases will get upset me but it won't for I'm not ashamed anymore and as soon I'm finished playing our two questions I'm getting the fuck out of here. I don't give a shit what time of night, morning it is.
Pushing back the robe's sleeve on my left arm I point at some scars on my forearm also fist/flexing my hand showing a few more that are located just below my knuckles. Calmly speaking "I'm not sure how well you can see these, I've had cosmetic work done and cover up with makeup but these are cigarette burns." not looking up as I examine my arm and hand
"So here are choice highlights. At 15 the world I knew ended. My grandparents died driving up to see me. I found out my mother was cheating on dad and that immediately started the divorce. Right after their memorial service I was yanked away to Venice living with my mom and her future husband in a house that was loaded with my grandparents memories. That's also when the abuse started at the hands of Stephen. The first case was due to a neighbor hearing screaming. When they came to investigate Stephen stated that I self-abused. The case-worker checked my room and found a pack of cigarettes, realizing that Stephen stashed his choice of torture instrument in my own fucking bedroom. The second incident played itself out on the Boardwalk which led to his arrest and by March I was back with my dad living in Seattle. That basically sums up my story."
Looking over to Christian, he looks like he's seen a ghost... Speaking softly "Ana where was your mother during all this?"reaching out to touch my hand I pull it away.
"Christian I answered your two questions. Those were the rules."
sounding contrite "Ana I'm sorry for my behavior towards you."
"Christian your apologize means absolutely nothing to me. Since I've met you, you've repeatedly lashed out at me then apologize in some form or another. I shouldn't have to explain what a real apology means but it seems like its something you need to learn. There's one thing I found intolerable and that's your sarcastic tone when 'You' of all people, having had a tough start in life should know better that a troubled child's past is nothing to take lightly. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting the fuck out of this apartment and away from you." making my way upstairs I hear Christian calling out to me which I ignore. Changing into my clothes in record time, picking up the phone I call for a cab. When I open the door I'm startled that Christian is running his hands thru his hair and is leaning against the wall. With my ear on the phone walking downstairs I can feel him hot on my hells "Yes...Steele... Downtown Seattle... Escala 4th Ave... lobby... ASAP... Great, Thank you" sliding the phone in my jeans pocket walking toward the elevator.
"Ana you can't leave. You're my responsibility until I get you back to Vancouver."
I stop walking, turn around facing him "Responsibility? Really. Why don't you use some of that responsibility you're so quick to dole out and own-up to your actions. By the way I am more than capable of taking care of myself. You don't control me like I'm one of your subs." as a hit the call button "Oh yeah a thought occurred to upstairs. The way I see it, the reason you didn't have me sign an NDA is because I actually have money and figure you just could sue me if I talked. So that peace offering is as meaningless as your apologies." hearing the ping I turn away from him stepping into the elevator he blocking the door with his arm
"Ana the thought never occurred to me, so your current idea that I would sue you because you have money is completely false" still keeping the elevator door from closing, he whips off his shirt. "Ana I too have cigarette burns. Showing me his chest and back. "This is why I can't have anyone touch me."
stepping between me and the elevator door. I take his hand. "Christian, I'm so sorry to know this happened to you. No one should be to subjected to that sort of pain."
"Ana don't leave."
"Christian I'm sorry but I need to leave." stepping back into the elevator . This is the first time looking at Christian he seems lost and my chest in clenching so tight I can't breath. As the doors close I feel shattered.