"Hawk; in position?" Cap used the nickname Tony gave the archer the first time they met.
"Don't call me that," Clint's tone was cold. "Yes, I'm in position."
"You know the plan," Cap switched off the radio.
Of course I know the plan. I'm not stupid. Wait, wait, wait, see target, call the boss and shoot. Simple. "Here we go," he mumbled before he radioed Steve ten minutes later.
"Keep your eyes open, it's too easy," Steve mused out loud. "Iron Man, can you see a second team?"
"No," Iron Man flew circles over the areal they suspected the Hydra base was on. Hawkeye killed the four Hydra agents they spied and no one came out of hiding. "They might wait for us to leave."
"Hydra must have hundreds of agents if a base is around here, I don't think they wait and drink coffee until we believe they aren't here," Bruce got itchy. The big guy wanted to smash something and that soon.
"Found the entrance," Hawkeye's voice appeared in their radios. "Two miles north/east. Beneath the rock formation."
"How did you…? Know what? I don't ask," Tony was repeatedly surprised how far the archer could see.
"Smash something?" The Hulk took over and was ready to jump into a fight.
"Not yet," Clint answered. Getting on Steve's nerves, "I'm the leader in case you forgot."
"Yes sir," Clint gritted out.
"We sneak up on them and demolish their interior," Tony suggested.
"Something like that," Cap sighed barely audible. "Hawkeye stay where you are. Iron Man, Hulk, follow me. Thor should arrive any minute."
Clint had a hard time to keep his mouth shut. I forgot I'm just human. Nothing special. He froze as flashbacks hit him, old memories huddled together. Clint you're special. You're skills are remarkable and even without them you'd be special to me. Because you are who you are. You're my Hawk. My Hawk. Coulson's archer. Coulson's Hawk. Hawk, love you. Be safe.
He shook his head to clear his mind, now was not the time to dwell in the past.
"Damn..., it's a trap," Tony's tinny voice yelled.
"Told you to wait," Clint sighed while he took out the first line with an explosive arrow. "Get down." He blew up the heavy machinery that rolled in direction of Cap. It resembled a little tank.
"Nice shot, kid," Cap said while he ducked a laser beam. "Help Iron Man."
"Yes sir." Clint looked around to find a more suitable nest. "Thor is coming."
"About time," Tony grunted as a projectile hit the armor.
Thor's arrival cut the battle short as he swung his hammer and roasted weapons and agents alike. Tony planted a bomb inside the hideout and they could see the huge explosion while the Quinjet hovered in the air at a safe distance.
"That went well," Tony got out of his bumpy armor while Cap nodded with a satisfied expression on his face.
"Cupid not happy," Hulk said before he transformed back into Banner. Clint had taught his big green friend how to behave on board of small tin cans like Tony's new Quinjet.
"Don't worry big guy," Clint said with a smile even tough Banner was the one in front of him.
"You're the first person he worries about, give him some time to understand these feelings," Bruce made himself comfortable.
"I can do that."
"You have no choice," Bruce said amused. "How's Natasha?"
"Don't you think it's time to ask her out?" Clint's hand wandered to his phone, a habit he couldn't get rid of. Clint called Phil for years after solo missions and his traitorous mind constantly urged him to make an 'I'm-coming-home' call. But there was no home he could return to. All he had was gone. There was no one left who waited for him and no one would receive a call the day he finally bites the dust. Clint realized that no one would care if he died or not. His death would make a few people happy. Death should not make people happy but he was sure his would. Phil would be relieved, Nat would go on with her life and Nick; Nick was Nick, close the file, put a stamp on it, next one please. That was a frustrating thought. But, maybe, it was what he deserved.
"I'm the Hulk," a sad look overshadowed Bruce's pretty features.
"No," Clint shook his head. "You are you; the hulk is just a bonus. She's not as shallow as you might think with her looks and all. She likes you, very much."
"And you know that why?"
"We used to be friends," it hurt to say it out loud.
"I thought you're just co-worker."
"That too," he confirmed. "I'm a person people don't like to have around, not for long."
"Really?" Tony snorted sarcastically.
"Really," Clint knew he was hard to handle. He barely talked to them and he didn't appreciate their fighting style but they were his future. Avengers or returning to S.H.I.E.L.D.
The Avengers were the lesser of these two evils right now. And when he was honest with himself, he started to like the bunch of wackos he called his teammates.
Tony was a genius and just as nerve-racking as Clint himself. Tony loved to banter and it was quiet fun to do so, but his blows could be very low at times. Depending on his moods. Clint learned that Stark - even though he tried hard to make people believe otherwise- could be very gentle and understanding when he wanted to be.
Steve on the other hand was kind of a control freak, more so than Stark at times. He was a gentle man and very patient but in the field he could be cold. In addition to that Clint had the impression that he couldn't handle Clint's personality very well. He tried but he wasn't as successful in reading Clint as he wanted to be.
Bruce and Hulk were nice people to be around, if you could call Hulk that. Bruce was gentle and understanding, always listening whenever you had something to say. Hulk was anything but gentle but that didn't mean he did not care in his own unique way. He cradled Clint in his arms more than once after a fight. He tried to protect him and he tried to work well together with his best friend. Throwing him at enemies, catching him when his nest crumbles beneath him.
"It was a joke birdie," Tony felt the urge to make sure Clint knew that too.
"I know," he gave Tony his best shit-eating grin. "Now stop talking and fly us home."
"She likes me," Bruce muttered under his breath. "She likes me," his face lit up like the summer sun.
"Yes she does," that was the least he could do for her after all he'd done.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The briefing with Phil was long and strenuous. The older man tried to ignore him as best he could. Steve talked most of the time, explaining what they did and why they did what they did and who did what exactly. Clint played a damn small role in all this so Phil had no reason to address him. The friction in the air between him and Coulson was noticeable to anyone. Stark had asked him a few weeks ago why they avoided each other and what he had done to get on Coulson's bad side. Clint had flipped him off and continued avoiding Coulson.
Steve had made a few comments too about the way Coulson and Clint communicated. They were polite but their voices and expressions were frosty at best.
"Barton, wait a minute," Coulson ordered coolly as Clint got up from his chair. He let himself fall back onto his seat.
"We need to talk," Phil said after Natasha closed the door. "Natasha brought to my attention that our dispute affects the team and as liaison I can't tolerate such things."
"I understand sir." Clint swallowed the lump that formed in his throat. "I can leave within the next hour."
"I said nothing about leaving, specialist," a little frown appeared on Coulson's handsome face.
"We can't work together sir," Clint argued. "I think it's the best solution when I return to my duties at S.H.I.E.L.D., Jensen has a free spot on his team. I might get my own black ops group back." He had given up black ops for Phil's sake because the older man worried nonstop whenever he was away.
"I don't think returning to your duties is the best solution," Phil knew about Clint's dreams. The archer always wanted to be a hero and Phil wouldn't take this away from him. "We have to learn to get along."
"I don't think that's possible sir." Therefore I love you too much.
"Even though my feelings towards you border on hate I'm willing to try," what are your eyes saying behind your shades?
"Yes sir." Please, don't make this more complicated than it already is.
"Nice to meet you agent Barton," Phil offered his beloved asset his hand.
Clint stared at the hand for a few long seconds before he shook it, "Nice to meet you Agent Coulson sir." It was hard to keep his hand from shaking.
Phil wanted to know what the archer hid behind his shades, the archer loved wearing them but it seemed he never put them down anymore. The man in front of him was not the man he fell in love with so many years ago. He didn't even resemble the young man he recruited. This Barton was a stranger, hiding behind a wall higher than Stark Tower. But why?
Clint let go of Phil's warm hand, it was the first time in over two years that he didn't feel cold inside. Phil had the talent to flood his entire body with warmth that drowned out anything else. The cold inside Clint's chest was a constant companion since his mother died. Loki's mind control made it even worse. The freezing cold of the staff combined with the blizzard inside himself was mind numbing. Clint hated the cold. He spent as much time as possible somewhere where the sun was shining. But the warmth never went deeper than his skin, avoiding the depth of his body like the plague. Phil.
"Stark invited me for dinner, I hope it's not a problem," Coulson's voice sounded accusing.
"No sir. No problem. I can stay away if you want me to."
"That would be nice," Phil suppressed the urge to reach out. Clint had betrayed him, he didn't deserve a second chance but Phil's heart seemed to think otherwise. I miss you so.
"Okay," Clint left with no destination in mind. Range? O'Brian's? Home? Wherever that is. Clint decided on the Helicarrier, his old room was still unoccupied. The weather had changed during the two hours they spent in the meeting. It was raining by now; the wind was blowing hard against Clint's cool skin while he rode his skycycle. Barton landed on deck and hurried inside. His room wasn't as unoccupied as he thought; a young woman was busy moving in and Clint decided to sleep in the vents. It was quiet up there; the soft humming of the ventilators did not count. Clint closed his eyes, letting go of the tears he held back since the meeting.
++Dream++
"Clint," Phil rubbed circles over his archer's back. "I love you."
"Love you too Phil," Clint smiled at his lover. They got together three months ago. They loved each other for a long time but lacked the gut to act on it. A mission brought them finally together. An arms dealer captured Phil and Clint moved heaven and earth to get his handler back. He confessed his love to a barely conscious Coulson but the agent was coherent enough to remember.
"You're warm," his archer's skin was rarely warm.
"We just made love," Clint chuckled. "I think that's a very good reason to be warm."
"But something is different."
"It's you. You make the difference," the archer placed his hand on Phil's cheek.
"I do?"
"Yeah," Clint said softly. "You keep me warm from the inside out. Your love and protection keeps me warm like nothing else can."
"You old sap," the older agent blushed. "I just love you."
"No one ever loved me," maybe his mom did but she never got the chance to fulfill her duty as a mother.
"Hard to believe; you're an awesome person," Phil could not understand how a person like Barton could not be loved. Sure he was difficult to handle but life made him that way, there must have been a time when he had been different. No one was born this way. Phil tried to imagine young Clint with dirty blond hair and gap between his teeth. Shining blue eyes looking up in expectation. Reality replaced the cute image and his imagination ran wild. Little Clint with a bloody nose and shiner. Clint with broken bones and helpless smile. Phil blinked a few times to get rid of the pictures that circled around his mind.
"I'm a nuisance but thank you for the compliment," the archer said amused. "I'm Clinton Francis menace Barton after all."
"You're exaggerating."
Clint raised a brow and Phil couldn't hide his grin anymore, "Okay, you are a menace but not as often as you used to be."
"True, you're a good influence, sir." Clint leaned forward and placed his lips on Phil's, "You're a good man."
"Sometimes, when I don't break bones or shoot anybody," Coulson agreed. "I'm a saint."
Clint laughed out loud, "You're many things but not a saint. The things you can do with your…" Phil silenced his lover with a kiss.
++End dream++
Clint's eyelids flew open, he was almost hyperventilating. That was a memory he tried to bury deep inside his mind. It wasn't about the sex, it was about the closeness they shared; the love. Phil's warm body against his, the love glittering in his handler's eyes, seeping through every word he said. Clint missed that, a lot. He could talk to Phil, always and about anything he had on his mind but there were higher forces, stronger than their relationship.
Clint curled up on himself, dead tired but not ready to go back to sleep. His problem was that he had to sleep at some point so he pulled the vial out of his pocket which contained his anti nightmare pills, like he used to call them. His shrink had given them to him to get rid of the nightmares. His dead friends were hunting him at night. In his dreams Phil was not alive. He was buried six feet under on a cemetery close to NYC. His ghost was yelling at him, cursing him for his weakness. Most days Clint wished he had died instead of the people he killed. He would trade his life for the lives of his fellow agents but that was not possible and he had to learn to live with that.
Clint toyed with the pills in his hand, one would cause a dreamless sleep, two would probably knock him out for hours and ten would end his life. It was a hard tasked but he put them back into the vial, all but one. "Good night," he took the pill and closed his eyes.
:::::::::::::
"Agent Agent nice you could make it," Tony beamed. "Dinner is ready."
"Thank you," Phil smiled even though he felt guilty for Clint's absence.
"Clint can't make it tonight but I think you can live with that."
"I'll survive," Phil looked at Natasha who sat very close to Bruce. A small voice inside his head cheered that she finally took the next step. The glare she sent him was unexpected.
"Where is he?" She asked.
"I don't know," Phil shrugged.
"He said he has a date tonight and won't come home," Tony smirked naughtily.
Phil's heart clenched, he knew it was a lie but there was nothing he could do against the jealousy inside his heart.
"Date?" Natasha deadpanned, glancing at Phil. "He hasn't dated in ages."
"Explains why he won't come home tonight," Tony said lightly, sitting down next to Steve.
Phil took the empty seat next to Natasha, "Looks delicious." The Dinner reminded him of Clint's cooking skills. A slightly different variant of Clint's mom's receipt.
"How are you Phil?" Steve changed the topic; he could see that Coulson felt rather uncomfortable.
"I'm fine," Phil was thankful for the change of topic. "My shoulder is a little stiff but that will fade soon."
"I'm glad," Steve smiled. "The mission went well today and I think we should celebrate our success."
"Without Clint?" Natasha wanted to let it go but she couldn't. She had tried not to care, she had tried to push him and she had tried to figure it out but nothing put her mind at ease.
"We have fought our battle well," Thor boomed. "And we should enjoy our triumph."
"Well said my friend," Tony raised his glass.
"He should celebrate with us," she said stubbornly.
"He has better things to do than spend his night with us," Steve sounded slightly disappointed. Those words made Phil feel even guiltier.
"If you say so," she muttered. She was sure Clint's absence was tied to Phil's presence.
"At least they don't get into a fight," Bruce munched on a piece of bread.
"What?" Phil looked up from his plate.
"You're constantly fighting and it's nice for a change to spend an evening with you; without fighting. I don't know what happened but it's unnerving." Steve approached the subject further.
"We have history."
"Did he blow one of your ops? I can imagine how his big mouth and insubordination got you riled up," Tony mused.
"Agent Barton does not endanger missions with his behavior. It's smart to listen when he talks. He can see things we don't," Phil wasn't sure why he defended his ex-lover but it seemed wrong to put the blame on his skills as an asset.
"Did he steal your girlfriend?" Tony joked. His jaw dropped at the look on Phil's face, "He stole your girl? I know he can be an asshole but that is vicious."
Phil decided to remain silent. He jerked a little as Natasha's feet connected with his shin.
"I can't believe he did that," Steve sounded more disappointed than Phil had ever heard him.
"Do I have to worry?" Bruce looked at Natasha.
"No," she tried to sound as normal as possible. That's not okay.
"Is she his date tonight?" Tony gasped as the thought occurred.
"No," Phil shook his head. "He doesn't play to keep."
Natasha had no argument to debunk their theory about Clint without telling the truth about their past relationship.
"He's a manwhore," Tony nodded to himself; there was a time he had been a 'whore' too. "Fun while you're young."
"I don't want to discuss the topic any further," Phil put his fork down. Not hungry anymore.
"I understand son of Coul, such treachery is hard to forgive and hard to discuss," Thor lowered his voice and put all his sympathy into it.
"That's enough," Steve interrupted before anyone could continue the topic. "Let us enjoy the evening."
Phil was grateful for Steve's intervention. The topic was hard to handle, especially because it was based on a lie. Clint was not a whore but he couldn't stay with one person for long. Coulson had been Clint's first real long time relationship. A fact Phil had been proud of, before the archer fled. Clint's beautiful eyes haunted his dreams since the day he left. His gentle touches; Phil always wondered how such strong hands could be so endlessly gentle. But what Phil missed most was Clint's personality; he missed the person who moved those gentle fingers over his skin; the person who smiled at him with childlike innocence.
++Flashback++
"Phil," Clint peeked into Coulson's office.
"Come in, specialist," Phil looked up from his paperwork.
Clint was nervous and indecisive, something was bothering his lover. "What have you done this time?"
A hurt look flashed through the archer's eyes, "Nothing."
"So why are you looking like you burned a hole into Nick's favorite coat?"
"I-, I- it was a bad idea, sorry," Clint got up from the couch he preferred over the chair in front of Phil's desk.
"Clint, wait." Phil said hastily, "I'm sorry. Please stay."
Clint looked at the door for a moment before he sighed and settled down on the couch again.
"Tell me, please."
Clint would have smiled if he weren't so nervous. Barton was probably the only person who would ever hear Coulson say the word sorry.
Phil watched as Clint stood up again, pulling a box out of his vest pocket, "For you." Clint's eyes were glued to the ground while he handed Phil the box.
Coulson eyed it for a moment. "Thank you," he said before he opened it. Phil opened the box carefully, "Oh." The box contained a pair of silver dog tags. One tag had Phil's dates engraved and the other one Clint's. S.H.I.E.L.D. service number, date of their first meeting and their first date added to the standard information. "It's beautiful," Phil looked at Clint. "Thank you." He got up and pulled his archer into his arms, "I love you."
"Love you too," Clint felt the nervousness fade. He wasn't sure the gift was a good idea. Phil placed a firm kiss on Clint's temple, "Did I miss something?"
"It's our first anniversary," Clint wasn't angry. Fury dumped a lot of work on Phil and the older agent had barely time to take a break. Clint made sure his handler got enough to eat and juice. Phil's coffee intake was more than alarming.
Phil tightened his embrace, "I'm so sorry. I totally forgot…."
"Don't worry about it," Clint assured. "We can celebrate after the job is done."
"I treat you to dinner," Phil made up his mind. "And then I'll get you a new bow." There was a sports outfitter not far from Clint's favorite restaurant.
"You don't need to buy stuff for me," Clint felt uncomfortable.
"But I want to," Phil whispered against Clint's ear, sending a shiver down his spine. "I know how much you love 'real' bows and not the high-tech monstrosities R&D provides. They might let me engrave my serial number."
Clint beamed like a child at Christmas. It was Phil's favorite smile, the one that made Clint look like a huge child, innocent and vulnerable. It wasn't his beaming I-twist-the-mark-around-my-finger type of smile Phil hated so much. The smile was honest and came from the heart.
++End flashback++
"Are you alright Agent Agent?"
"I'm fine," Phil lied with ease. "I was thinking about Fury's plan to found more special groups like the Avengers."
"I don't think we need more independent groups, the risk is high that we get in each other's way. I mean we have the fantastic four, Xavier and his men aren't far in case we need them. Let alone all the groups we don't know of yet." Tony stated his opinion and Phil had to agree with Stark for once. Others did not; that's why Coulson spent the next three hours and forty-two minutes discussing a plan Fury had voiced while drunk.
::::::::::::::::::
"One of our janitors found our Hawkeye sleeping in the vent." Fury pointed with his fork at Phil, "He was out like a light."
"That's odd. He's a light sleeper."
"So it's odd that he got caught but not that he slept there?" Nick put a piece of potato into his mouth.
Phil bit into his sandwich to avoid Fury's question a little longer. "It's not the first time."
"I know but he stopped sleeping there around the time he broke up with you."
"You know about it? Of course you know," Phil muttered.
"I'm worried about him," Nick had information about Clint he did not like but he couldn't do anything about it.
"I'm not," the archer looked fine.
"He will leave in two days. I thought you might want to take the chance to... talk."
"Leaving?" Phil looked up, not hiding his surprise.
"Something came up," Nick shrugged.
"He's an Avenger," Coulson frowned.
"First and foremost he's an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. I will never let the kid go, he's under my protection and nothing he does will ever change my mind." Fury considered Clint a friend, the archer was troublesome but one of the best and most loyal agents he ever had. He trusted Clint and Loki's attack didn't change anything.
"You still trust him?"
"With my life," Nick confirmed. "It was not his doing; I think nothing was his doing."
Phil didn't understand why Fury stressed the 'nothing' so much, of course it was not Clint's idea to blow up their base and Helicarrier, but he had a god inside his mind, which probably left unforeseeable marks on the archer. "I can't trust him anymore," Coulson confessed.
Nick huffed barely audible, there was nothing he could say to make Phil feel better. "I have to go. I meet with the world security council."
"Again? What do they want now?"
"Something I don't agree with," Nick said cryptically while he grabbed his tray. "See ya."
"Till later then," Phil shoved his food from one side of the plate to the other. I don't care about his assignment. I stopped caring the day he left. I don't care, I-don't-care. Heck,..., he buried his face in his hands.