Their next visit had been interrupted as S.H.I.E.L.D.'s head priest appeared in medical.
"He's not dead, yet." Phil had blocked the door to Clint's room with his body. "Leave."
"I'm not here to guide him to the lord, I'm here because he asked me to give you this," he waved with an envelope. "It's his last will. I know he is not dead but he made preparations in case he was not able to do anything anymore." The priest tried to formulate his sentences very carefully. Phil Coulson was intimidating and one wrong word could set him off, especially where his archer was concerned.
"Last will?" Tony was all ears. "What does he want?"
"He asked me to read his will should he die, spend more than two weeks in a coma or should his prognosis be…. unpleasant."
There was no need to ask which option made the priest come to medical, "Can we start or do you need more time?"
Phil returned to his seat and took Clint's hand into his own, "Talk."
"His will contains rather private information I don't think they are meant for such an audience."
"It doesn't matter," Phil glanced at the priest. "We're way past the secret-mongering. Keep it as short as possible."
The priest nodded, "Let's start with Mr. Rogers. Hey ol' man, when you hear this I probably did not listen to you. It was an honor to work with you and I hold you in high regards even when we had different opinions more often than not. As thanks for your friendship I want to give you, I know it sounds stupid, my plush Hawk. He accompanied me around the world and gave me a sense of belonging while I was miles from home. Please, Steve, take care of Coulson for me, I can't do it any longer and he will deny it to his dying day but he needs a lot of care. Protect him and continue giving him your friendship and he will be fine."
Of course I will take care of him my friend. Oh son, you have to hold on. We need you; and I don't think it's stupid to carry a plush Hawk around. I kept a plush puppy in my duffle bag during the war...
"Tony Stark: Thank you Tony for your friendship and the brotherly feelings you directed at me, I appreciate that. I want you to have my two favorite bows, in hope you don't forget about me. Take care of Steve, he needs you."
Because you're my brother; my partner in crime. We are not blood related but we are more like brothers than your or my brother could ever be. I will never forget you little bro. In case you die I'll keep your bows at a safe place but for the world to see… Don't leave us...
"Bruce Banner: You're a good friend and a tower of strength for all of us. I know I shouldn't tell you this, maybe you already know, but Natasha lost her heart to you and I know that you do love her back. So I beg you to take care of her, give her the family she always wanted. Give her anything she always dreamed of. Thank you big guy."
I wasn't strong enough to hold the team together; I wasn't brave enough to tell Natasha that she was more than a crush, that our unnamed relationship is indeed love. You always have a too high opinion about us. Stay cool green guy, you can't visit him now. He's too fragile...
"Natalia Romanova: Hey Nat, I'm sorry for not making it. It wasn't my intention to leave you alone and I want you to know that I love you. You're the sister I never had, and my best friend. I'm sorry I hurt you and I hope you can forgive me one day. Natasha, keep him alive, don't let him do something stupid. I think he's suicidal for a while now and I can't bear the thought that he might die. No matter what happened between both of us, do me the favor."
Clint you asshole, why now? Why couldn't we talk before you got yourself shot? You can't die, I deserve answers. I deserve your friendship and maybe you even deserve mine… I love you Clint, I still love you. You saved me, you cared for me, but I can't fulfill your request, no one can help Phil when you die...
"Phillip Coulson: I think I owe you an answer. I met Johnson during a job I did for black ops and he took a liking to me. My skills fascinated him and he decided that he needed someone with my skill-set. So he asked me to join him, I declined. He was persistent and one day he threatened to kill you should I disobey his orders. I thought pushing you away would keep you safe but I was wrong. Johnson knew it was my way to trick him into believing he had nothing in hand against me. His men observed you; and me. I tried to get out of his clutches, shortly after the Prague mission happened and you got hurt. Not bad but I'm sure it was a warning. So I decided to end it, breaking all bounds and avoid you at all cost. All I wanted was to keep you safe, I didn't think you would take it so bad. I'm sorry. In case I died before I got the chance to tell you this, I love you Phil. I never stopped loving you. Therefore I bought a house outside of NYC, I always harbored the stupid little hope that we would get a second chance. That Johnson would lose his interest in me or that he dies. I want you to get the house. It's large enough for a wife and children; and pets. The neighbors are friendly and I don't think they will cause you any trouble with questions. Move on Phil, I want you to be happy."
"God damn it Clinton," Phil got up from his chair and threw the plastic cup filled with water across the room. "You're an idiot, Clinton. You could have told me, we could have fought him together. You, I and Nick. Leaving wasn't the only solution." Phil raged, his face red with anger and frustration. "Ahhh," he hissed angrily before he stormed out of the room; slamming the door shut with a loud bang. He leaned against the wall next to Clint's door, no matter how frustrated he was just now he would not leave his archer's side. Phil breathed heavily, his hands began shaking the moment his mind stopped reeling.
The others sat silently in Clint's room, staring at the door Phil vanished through. The story about the woman had been a lie. It was quite a shock that Coulson and Barton had been together. No one had any idea that one of them might be homosexual, and much less both of them. The fact explained a lot regarding their behavior towards each other.
"Phil," Natasha went looking for him and was slightly surprised to find him next to the door. She put her slender arms around him and buried her face in his chest. Phil sunk to the ground with Natasha in his arms, he cried and it felt like he couldn't stop. After a few more minutes he pushed Natasha away, drew his knees up and rested his arms on them. He hung his head, "Idiot." His voice was barely a whisper. He couldn't take Natasha's touches, he felt trapped in her arms. Like the walls came down on him taking his breath away.
"Don't forget to breathe agent," the head nurse knelt down in front of him with a syringe in hand, "Doctor's order."
"Liar," he choked out. "I know you."
She smiled sweetly, "Still angry at me for strapping you to your bed four years ago?"
Phil chuckled, "Old shrew." He did his best to get his breathing back under control.
"I know," she lifted Phil's head up until he looked at her. "The medication will not knock you out; it will just calm you down, okay?"
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
Natasha watched her friend struggle for each breath until the grumpy nurse distracted him enough to take his mind off of his sorrow for a moment. She realized that she lost her connection to both men. There was a time she was able to help them overcome everything. It was time to rebuild their family. Somewhere along the way they had lost each other without them noticing. Losing Clint had been obvious but the knowledge that she had lost Phil too was quite a shock.
::::::::::::::
Phil did not come back into the room until the Avengers left. Natasha stayed behind to watch over them but Phil asked her to leave, leaving no room for arguments.
"I wait outside in case you need me," she placed a gentle kiss on Phil's cheek before she turned around to leave.
"Nat," Phil called out. "Thank you."
"We are family, Phil. We belong together and we should help each other," she felt guilty for not seeing what was behind Clint's masquerade.
"It's not your fault," Phil looked at her for the first time.
"Neither is it your fault," she gave him a stern look. "I'll get you something to eat. Don't you dare saying you're not hungry," she wiggled a finger at him.
"I'm not but I know I have to," he gave in.
"Good boy," she looked at Clint's still form. "Don't do something stupid while I'm gone Francis," she warned.
Phil watched her leave before he returned his gaze to Clint. "You should have told me about Johnson's threat. You're smart, Clint. You could have destroyed him if you wanted. So why didn't you? There's more to it than you told me right? Did he order someone to kill me in case you rat him out? Or did you think the problem would solve itself with time?" Phil sighed heavily. "You know, I should be angry at you for not telling me but I can't bring myself to be mad. I think I know why you did it and I still believe to know how your mind works but I don't like it. You had the right intensions but I think you made the wrong decisions. Your decision to leave me caused both of us a lot of pain you could have avoided with being honest; but it proves how much you care about me so I'm willing to forgive you. I can't live without you, I tried and failed miserably." Phil unfastened his necklace and took off the ring which dangled from the silver chain. "I know what your answer will be so I skip the proposal," he put the ring on Clint's finger. "I give you all the time you need to accept that you deserve my love... Thank you Clint for keeping me safe." Coulson kissed Clint's hand, the tube down his archer's throat made it impossible to reach his soft lips and he didn't dare to kiss his forehead in case he jostles one of the tubes.
Clint reminded him painfully of himself after Loki's attack; the tubes, the bandages, the pain. Clint will spot familiar scars on his chest and back. Only the shape of the scars will look a little different from Phil's. Phil knew Clint's recovery will be slow and painful, if he survived, and Phil was determined to accompany him all the way. Nothing and no one will ever part us again.
Coulson took a shaky breath, "I know it's selfish but I beg you to fight harder. I know it hurts; and I know how hard it is but I promise you it will be worth it. I'm sorry for the pain holding on is causing you but I'd even make it an order if I have to. I will not let you go."
Clint remained unmoving, not that Phil truly expected a miracle but an unrealistic part of his mind hoped for one. Phil fell asleep after two more hours of begging, lecturing and staring at his Hawk. Even in his sleep he held his archer's hand tightly.
::::::::::::::
The team visited again two days later, they thought Coulson might need the time to deal with Clint's condition and what led to said condition. Natasha set up her camp in the waiting room close to Clint's room. One of the sofas unofficially belonged to her after a fight with one of the nurses and a security team. Bruce brought her favorite pillow and the fleece blanket she loved so much, the nurse gave him a deadly glare but he was hulk, nobody dared to cross his path.
"How are you, Phil?" Steve took the seat on the other side of the bed while Tony and Bruce kept Natasha company.
"What do you think?"
"I think you need rest, a good meal and someone to talk."
"I've got a sufficient amount of sleep and I have said anything I needed to say."
Steve narrowed his eyes, "How much did you sleep?"
"Couple of hours," Phil's eyes were glued to Clint.
Steve felt as if he was an intruder; and maybe he was. "You're making yourself sick. Clint wouldn't want that. He sacrificed himself for you; do you think it's fair to trample on his heroic deed?"
"It wasn't heroic. It was plainly stupid, an act of desperation born out of love."
Captain America had no idea what to reply. That was a side of Coulson he did not know. For him agent Coulson was gentle and efficient with high moral standards. The Coulson who sat in front of him was bitter and riven by grief. "You would have done the same."
"I know but it doesn't make it less stupid, does it?"
"No, probably not," arguing was useless. "How is Clint?"
"No changes but I think you already know that," Phil wasn't in the mood for Steve's comfort. Phil knew Steve meant well but there was no point in meaningless conversations.
"Phil, I know it's hard but you can't sit by his bedside forever," Steve tried to hide his concern. Pity and worry was obviously not appreciated.
"Try me," Phil's voice sent a shiver down Steve's spine.
Steve sighed, "We can take shifts. We can keep him company while you take some time off to care for yourself."
"I don't need care."
"You do and you know that."
Phil gritted his teeth, why couldn't they understand that it was impossible to rest while the love of your life fought for his life? No matter where he was, Clint was always in his mind. He knew he could never forgive himself in case Clint died while he was gone and he could not forgive himself should he not be around when Clint opened his pretty eyes. "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere," he squeezed Clint's hand. Coulson remembered how he told Clint that he would very probably die alone even though he knew the archer feared death, especially the thought of dying all alone somewhere in a ditch. Clint had a few nightmares way back when they first started working together about falling from a trapeze. Dying in the middle of the night at the empty circus ring. Only months later Phil learned that it was not a simple nightmare; it was a memory.
"He doesn't want that," Steve pushed further. "You're his first priority."
"Yeah, but I have my own priorities. Let me tell you something about Clinton," Phil finally looked at Cap. "He sat by my side for two weeks straight after I got shot. He barely ate or slept. Once I opened my eyes he was fine, we ate together and we slept closed to each other. He got two reprimands for disobeying orders. Fury ordered him on a mission, Clint flipped him the bird. The head shrink tried to lock him up for a few hours to get some rest. Clint escaped and broke the shrink's nose the next time he came with the intention to sedate Clint instead of locking him up. He doesn't take shit from anyone, but me." A fact Phil was secretly and in a twisted way proud of.
Steve closed his eyes and rubbed his finger over his forehead, "Phil I know you love him. He's your boyfriend after all, but you have to see reason. His doctor says his chances are very low, bordering on non-existent."
"I made it."
"What?"
"I survived Loki. I beat death and that makes me believe that Clint will laugh death in the face. He's a fighter." He had to believe or else he would go insane waiting for a sign.
"Natasha says she will knock you out in case you refuse to listen," Cap patted Clint's leg before he got up.
"She will not," Phil was sure of that. "Because I'd never forgive her."
Rogers nodded and walked out of the room. Deep in his heart he could understand Coulson and his fears but as a friend he felt responsible for his physical well-being and even more so because there was nothing they could do to ease his mental pain.
"And?" Tony looked up and the look on Cap's face let the hopeful expression on his face die.
"He's in love," Steve shrugged. "He holds vigil until the bitter end."
Natasha got up from the couch and stormed into Clint's room, emerging minutes later with a set of keys in her hand. "I get his things," she informed before she left.
"Not even Black Widow scares our dear Coulson," Tony crossed his arms in front of his chest."I hoped she could break his inner defensive wall."
"We have no choice but to wait," Bruce folder Natasha's blanket to keep himself busy. "Do you really think he will die?"
"I want to believe he's too stubborn to die," Tony stared at the wall opposite him. "... Doctors are not always right, right?"
Steve settled down next to Tony, brushing his shoulder against Stark's. "Coulson seems to believe that they are wrong and who knows Barton better than he does?"
"True," Tony agreed.
"I get some coffee," Bruce strolled down the corridor lost in an inner argument with Hulk. The green guy wants to help and it was hard to make him understand that medical was no place for the Hulk to be. In the end Bruce promised him to talk to Clint after his coffee break, acting as a middleman between Hulk and Clint.
:::::::::::::::
Fury snuck into the room in hope not to disturb his sleeping friend. It was three in the morning after all but to his surprise Phil was wide awake and read a book that most likely belonged to Clint. Coulson was not the kind of guy who read fantasy books about archers and magic.
"Is there something I can do for you sir?" Phil didn't look up from his book; he knew how Nick's footsteps sounded.
"I want to make sure you're alright."
"At 3 a.m.?" Phil looked at his boss, raising a brow.
Nick shrugged uncomfortably, "I was around and thought I say hi."
"Hi," Phil hid the smirk that tugged on his lip.
Nick blinked dumbly until he realized that it wasn't sarcasm but a dry joke, "How is he?"
"Why do you people keep asking me that even though you know the answer?" Phil put his book away.
"Courtesy?"
Phil snorted, "He's alive."
"I can see that but what's your heart telling you?" Fury made himself comfortable on the plastic chair next to the bed.
"My heart and mind do not agree," Phil looked years younger in his blue short sleeved shirt and jeans. "My heart tells me that he will be fine. My mind tells me his chance to survive decrease day by day."
"Do you know what my gut is telling me?"
Phil shook his head. No.
"He will be up and about in no time getting on my nerves; and yours."
"He bought a house for me," Phil ignored Nick's try to help. "He wants me to be happy so he bought a house large enough for a family."
"I got a huge file about everything Johnson did during the last years, including Clint's missions. I found something I think you should know."
Phil frowned; he could feel how his heart sped up with fear.
"There was an accident around six months after your break up. One of Clint's arrows malfunctioned."
Phil's mind raced, imagining all kinds of injuries. Burn marks? Scars? Do you miss a kidney?
"He's hearing-impaired. 80% of his hearing is gone," the shock and pain on his friends face broke Nick's heart. "His hearing aids are remarkable but I'm sure Stark can do better. Johnson had power but his scientists were not the smartest."
Phil got slowly up and reached out with shaking hands, he maneuvered one of his hands around the tubes and placed his fingers behind one of Clint's ears; searching for the hearing aid. All he could find was scar tissue, a fine line beginning over his ear and ending close to his earlobe.
"Johnson kept his medical file under tight wraps. I swear I didn't know about it," Fury wasn't sure if he would have told Phil about it if he had known.
"What else happened to him?" Phil's knees felt like jelly and he had to sit back down before he collapsed in front of Nick. He wanted to cry but he had no tears left to shed. His heart felt numb, anything felt numb right now. "Tell me the truth."
"Bruises, scratches, knife and bullet wounds. The loss of his hearing is the worst injury according to his file."
"Are there any indication why he broke up with me?" Phil's voice was so soft Nick almost missed his question.
"Johnson deposited an envelope with money at his notary. In case of his death his notary gives the order to one of Johnson's assassins who get the money after...," Nick shivered at the thought. "Don't worry old friend. Clint figured out who the assassin is and we're close on his heels. There is no one else but him, Johnson's notary is already on his way to the big house."
Phil nodded to himself, so I was right about the head money.
"I can give you a copy of the file," it wasn't a suggestion. Nick knew Phil wants the file, he could see it in his eyes; and he knew his friend. "But first I want you to sleep."
"Don't force me into disobeying your order, Nick." He was ready to lose his job over this. His body was not ready to pass out yet and without passing out his dream was too vivid to tolerate.
Nick exhaled loudly through his nose, "You need help."
"After he wakes up."
"Or the shrink comes down here," that was an order and Phil knew it would be easier to give in. "Yes sir. But if he upsets Clint I'll throw him out."
"Deal." Fury bid his goodbye and left to find the shrink who worked the graveyard shift that day.
:::::::::::::
Dr. Austin was one of S.H.I.E.L.D's psychiatrists and a very patient man but agent Coulson was starting to annoy him. Three days had passed and the man didn't say a single word, at least not to him. Sometimes he whispered soothing words to the unconscious man but that was it. Fury told him he had to use his famous patience, his reputation was the reason the director assigned him to care for the agent. His colleague from the nightshift had told him that Fury had ordered him to perform damage control until he finds a suitable shrink because Coulson was close to a breakdown; she tried to get through to Coulson once and failed miserably.
Dr. Jeanette Andersen was one of the best, she was very intelligent and she had a talent to make her point as delicately as possible. She got under your skin before you knew it but Coulson was obviously immune to her charm. She was shocked as Coulson brought her down a peg or two.
"You have to talk at some point," Austin finally broke the heavy silence. "Fury expects us to work on your issues."
Phil gave him a cold glare before he returned his gaze to Clint. Something was different and Phil had no idea what it was, that bothered him. Clint's doc said that his condition didn't change but Phil could swear the color of Clint's skin changed slightly. The color looked less deadly and his skin was a tad warmer. But the doc said he was imagining things. Phil was not sure if what he was noticing was the truth or if he was going insane.
"I heard agent Barton is your boyfriend," Austin baited. No answer. "You have the choice, we talk or I will call director Fury and inform him about your lack of cooperation."
Phil huffed, giving him an amused half smile. "Did you hear that?"
Austin frowned as Coulson spoke to the archer instead of him, "What's so funny?"
Phil tilted his head to the side to look at his shrink, "I'm not afraid of Fury."
Austin had heard a lot of rumors about agent Coulson but now that he had met him in person he had to admit that the rumors didn't do him justice. He was way scarier than people let on.
"You could lose your job."
A little smirk appeared on Coulson's face, he looked demonstratively at Barton before he looked at his shrink, raising his brows a little. "Do I make the impression the prospect of losing my job matters?" Phil was inwardly praising himself for his skill to irritated people. Clint would crack up if he could see the flabbergasted expression on Austin's face.
Austin regained his composure, chiding himself for falling for Coulson's tricks. "With all due respect sir but you waste my time with your games. I have patients who actually want me to help."
"Stop wasting our time then and go," Phil replied with a triumphant glint in his eyes.
"I have to call the director," Austin stated seriously and was utterly confused as Coulson handed his phone over to him.
"He's on speed dial," Phil encouraged. "Okay," he shrugged as Austin continued staring at him. "I'll call him then."
After ten minutes an unnerved Nick Fury pushed the door open and glared daggers at both conscious men. "What the hell, Phil?"
"I want Dr. Gordon," Phil demanded.
"Couldn't you say that before I assigned Austin to you?" Fury growled.
"You didn't ask."
"What's wrong with him?" Nick pointed with his thumb at the shrink without looking at him. Austin felt uncomfortable while both men talked about him as if he wasn't there with them.
"Don't like him."
"Why Gordon?" Fury's tone lost some of its steeliness.
"Barton likes him," that was a really good reason for Phil to try his luck with the young man.
"He's rather young and not as experienced as Andersen or I," Austin reminded them of his presence.
"Clint trusts him enough to tell him bits and pieces, so I grant him a chance with my soul." Phil met the kid once after one of Clint's appointments. Gordon was the first shrink Clint visited without a security team to make sure he reaches his destination.
Nick snapped his fingers, "Leave." There was no doubt whom Nick was talking to, "Okay Phil, you'll get the kid but don't break him."
"Don't worry; I will not break the only shrink S.H.I.E.L.D. has who's able to handle my asset."
Nick smiled, "Your asset?"
"My asset," Phil confirmed. "I want him on my team as well. I want my old life back."
"I understand," Nick truly did. Barton made his friend happy and vice versa, they were good for each other and Nick was secretly pleased to get his best team back. Coulson's team was the best he ever had and no other team had been able to hold a candle to Team Coulson.
"Sorry for toying with your psychiatrist," Phil said slightly sorry. "Clint loves some action."
"I'm sure he had fun, right boy?" Nick hated it not to get a reply from Barton when he talked to him. He was used to Clint's cheeky remarks and his wit. To see him so still and silent hurt deeply.
"See you later boss," Phil rested his head on his fist and closed his eyes. He was tired and his body let him know that it was ready to shut down for a while. He fell asleep almost immediately.
"See you later Phil," Nick placed a blanket over his sleeping friend. "You have to get better Clint. We need you here."