It took four more days for Clint to claw his way back out of the darkness. He was floating through nothing; it was just dark and cold. Sometimes he heard voices, but wasn't sure he didn't imagine them. But there was one thing he was sure of. He knew he had to hold on, to find a way out of this dark place. Clint had no idea how but he tried to stay strong and believe in finding a way.

The scenery changed and for a moment he was scared that he had died. He tried to control his fuzzy mind and listened to the noises around him. The familiar noises calmed him down enough to not freak out any further.

There was something warm where his hand was supposed to be and a voice made its way through the fog in his mind. "Clint. – Clint."

Clint's heart skipped a beat, Phil! He tried to open his eyes but they felt as if someone glued his eyelids together. "It's okay. Take all the time you need. Don't push yourself too hard."

Phil, Clint drifted back into unconsciousness.

Coulson caressed the top of Clint's head while the archer's eyes moved under his eyelids. It was the only indication that Clint was on his way to recovery. At least that's what Phil hoped.

A change in the beeping noise of the heart monitor had jolted him out of his sleep. At first he thought Clint was dying but then he noticed the motion of his eyes beneath his eyelids. At that exact moment his heart knew, Clint was on his way back home. Phil pressed the emergency button before he tended to his frightened lover. Phil knew the signs by now, he had spent enough time next to dying and healing agents to have a solid opinion of his own. But a hint of doubt lingered in the back of his mind. "Welcome back, Clint," a few tears of relief streamed down his face. "I knew I didn't imagine things. They told me I'm dreaming but I was right. I was right. Sleep some more, I'll be here."

A doctor and nurses stormed into the room, shoving Phil aside. They checked his vitals and the doctor gave one of the nurses an approving nod. "He's not out of the woods yet but I dare to say that he will live, if he continues fighting that way."

"I know," was all Phil said. He waited patiently for the medical staff to finish their examination before he returned to his rightful place at Clint's side.

Natasha burst into the room followed by Steve seconds after the medical team had left the room. "Phil!" He could see the fright in her beautiful eyes.

"He's alive and kicking," he smiled at her. His eyes glittered with joy.

"It's nothing serious?" Steve asked worriedly while he studied the archer.

"He was half way conscious a few minutes ago," the joy on Coulson's face lit up his whole appearance. He sat straighter, the deep lines of worry lessened and his aura was more than promising. He still looked tired and a little thin but with a little more time his body would fix it on his own.

"Does that mean he will be fine?" Natasha asked hopefully.

"No but it's a start," Phil returned his gaze to Clint. "His doc says if he continues fighting he will make it."

"That are good news," Tony's voice took them by surprise. They didn't hear him coming. Stark stood in the doorway and looked like he just ran a marathon. Jarvis kept an eye on anything and had informed him that there was an emergency in Barton's room so he ran all the way from the mass hall to medical. Taking the stairs to be faster. "You got us worried my friend." Tony occupied one of the chairs with the intention to wait for Clint to wake up for good.

"Stark, I don't know if Fury told you this already but we need your help," Phil said after a few more minutes they spent in silence. Natasha sat on the end of Clint's bed watching him like mother would her child. Rogers sat next to Tony, leaning slightly against the billionaire.

"What with?" He frowned. S.H.I.E.L.D. asking for his help was nothing he was used to. They liked to sort their own problems out and they didn't trust him with new inventions. They had the paranoid idea that he could accidently blow them up.

Phil pressed his lips together; he had no idea how to address the delicate topic. Sorry Clint I know you hate pity. "How familiar are you with hearing aids?"

"The mechanic is simple," Tony said self-confident. "I never designed them before but I'm sure I can revolutionize this branch of technique."

"That's what I want to hear," Phil visibly relaxed. "Do it, please."

"I'd do anything for you Agent Agent but I want to know why though."

"Clint's got damaged during a mission some weeks ago and Fury brought to my attention that you might be able to make the most awesome hearing aids the world has ever seen."

"When did that happen?" Natasha yelled, scaring them all.

"Six month after we broke up. Nick got his hands on Clint's medical file. He informed me a few days ago about the accident."

"Accident?" Natasha snorted.

"His sonic arrow malfunctioned and damaged his ears," so yes, accident.

His friends were shocked, anger bubbled inside their chests at the thought that someone's sloppiness cost Clint his hearing. Tony made it his mission to find the culprit and he could see the consent in Steve's eyes.

To their surprise Natasha punched Clint's leg, "What the hell, Francis! Can't you at least once ask for support? Why did you have to endure it alone again? Moron." The thought of Clint all alone in a hospital bed without hearing anything made her sick. The thought was frightening. She tried to imagine how Clint must have felt. Hurt, alone, vulnerable. The ability to hear a threat before it strikes was an agent's ticket home, preferably without coffin.

"Natalia," Phil warned. "Hit him one more time and you'll find yourself in Siberia. Wait until he has recovered."

"Yes sir," she pouted.

Steve blinked, "Is it one of these sibling things I heard about?" Francis?

"Yes," Phil sighed dramatically. "Wait until they reconnect. Stark needs an own bonesetter in his Tower."

"Do I have to remind you of your fallout with Agent Quartermain?"

"Don't you dare," Phil narrowed his eyes.

"I'm all ears," Tony urged her to continue.

"Quartermain asked Clint out and out of frustration about Phil's lack of interest in him he agreed. Clint realized afterwards that Coulson was not as uninterested as he thought and Quartermain learned that no one, absolutely no one, was permitted to touch what was Coulson's."

"Don't exaggerate."

"You broke his arm; and he couldn't move properly for over a week."

"No touching Clint, got it," Tony nodded to himself.

"I think I am the least evil if you touch him," the agent glanced at Steve who blushed furiously. "I don't stand a chance against Captain America."

Natasha huffed, "Says the man who takes on gods."

"You saw how well that ended," the amusement was back in Phil's voice and Natasha was glad that Phil had obviously made his peace with what happened. She was scared at times when she caught sight of fear or self-doubt in the older agent's eyes.

"Your reputation is even more awesome, Agent Bad-Ass," she hadn't the heart to take his amusement away with what she truly felt. Phil's brush with death had scared her and was still haunting her at night. Not as often anymore but around once or twice a month. She was not over it, far from it, and she'd probably never be.

"That I am," he was nothing like his reputation. Bad-ass, maybe. But he was not cold and unfailing. He had failed Clint. The archer was at fault too but Phil felt nonetheless like he let his archer down. Clint shielded him with his own body, probably planning all along to get shot first so Phil could take his weapon and flee. Barton put Coulson's life over his own. Clint had put Phil's life over his own. It was so like Clint not to think of himself when death was concerned. Hawkeye was famous for protecting his favorite handler and Clint outside of his uniform had a similar reputation for caring for his stoic friend.

His neighbors weren't surprised at all as Clint moved in one day. They greeted him like they always did and they included him into their world within the apartment block. They gossiped and talked about this and that. Clint played ball on a regular basis with Mrs. Martinez boys. She was a widow and had to work a lot so Clint offered to take care of her boys twice a week, if possible. The kids loved Clint; he was their hero especially after he became a real super hero.

The neighbors noticed his absence immediately and asked about his whereabouts. The Martinez kids still ask if he knew where he was at times. Or if they still had a chance to be friends with the archer now that he was famous. All Phil could say was that he didn't know; he could assure them that Clint liked them but not that he comes back one day.

"Holy sh-," Natasha's eyes widened. "Coulson!"

Phil followed her gaze to Clint's hand, "Bought it before we broke up. Why waste money?!"

Tony smirked and tried hard not to comment on it. It was too precious to make fun of. Not right now anyway.

Steve was a little slower but figured it out without help. He was raised in a time where gay marriage was a crime but his own attitude was okay with it. Feeling otherwise would be hypocritical.

"What if he says no?" She demanded to know.

"He will definitely say no."

"Huh?" Her expression slipped for a moment.

"He will say that he's not worth it and that what he did is unforgivable. I on the other hand will force myself on him until he sees reason." He loves me, I love him, problem solved.

"Do you know what the saddest part of your plan is?"

He waited for her answer.

"That it will most probably work," she let out a long suffering sigh. "You'll be the death of me, both of you."

Tony started laughing followed by Steve. Phil joined them shortly after. Natasha enjoyed hearing Phil's laugh. It was the first time she heard him genuinely laugh in years.

::::::::::::::

"Hey Hawk," Phil said gently as Clint opened his eyes a little. "It's okay, don't worry. They hooked you up on a ventilator you know how to handle them."

The archer nodded as much as he could, letting his eyes scan the room. Phil. Thank god you're okay. He didn't get you, Clint thought triumphantly until a nagging feeling crept up in the back of his mind. Johnson wasn't able to take Phil away. The bounty, his eyes widened. I have to warn him.

"Hush," Phil urged. "Calm down. You're hurting yourself."

Clint tried to move his arm, his joints felt like jelly but he had to try.

Phil took Clint's hand in his own, "Calm down or the nurses will poke and probe you again." Coulson was surprised how persistent his archer was. Normally it was rather easy to calm him down. "Don't try to move, you aren't ready."

Clint tugged weakly on Phil's hand, I have to warn you.

"Son, whatever it is it can wait." Steve took Clint's other hand.

"Cap is right. Johnson is gone and we caught his assassin yesterday. There's nothing to worry about, so whatever it is be patient," Tony babbled.

To their surprise all fight drained out of their friend and he stopped struggling. It was obvious how hard he tried to stay awake.

"You want to warn me right?" Phil concluded. He could see the answer in Clint's beautiful eyes. "He's gone, Nick took care of it."

Clint squeezed Phil's hand, the pressure was barely noticeable but Phil was hyper aware of Clint and every move he made. "You need more rest," Coulson wanted to cry from happiness. It was a very good sign that Clint woke up again; all lasting doubts vanished the moment the archer opened his eyes.

Clint moved his head carefully from left to right and back. He didn't want to sleep. He was afraid of the darkness which accompanied sleep.

Phil sighed softly, "But you need rest."

"Coulson is right your body needs time to heal," Steve argued. The expression on Clint's face was stubborn but his body would win soon that much was obvious.

"Let me tell you about the new arrows I created during your absence," Tony started cheerfully.

Clint listened to his friend's soothing voice and drifted into a dreamless sleep before Tony reached the interesting parts of his story about arrows, bows and blowing things up.

"Good work, Stark," Phil was grateful for Stark's help.

"I'm offended Agent Agent that your agent fell asleep while I held a highly interesting speech about destroying S.H.I.E.L.D. property," Tony stated in a mock hurt tone.

Phil smiled, "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Stark mirrored the smile before he got up. "I have hearing aids to create, see you later."

"Can I help?" Steve wanted to spend some time with Tony, what happened to Clint made him think.

"Of course," Tony hid his surprise behind a smirk. "Come on big guy."

Phil watched them go, wondering why they did not act on their mutual attraction. The unresolved sexual tension between them was unnerving.

Coulson sent Natasha a text to inform her about Clint's improving condition. He had sent her on a date with Bruce because she was getting on his nerves. She constantly hovered over him and grew more and more restless but her duty as a friend forbade her to go anywhere.

The nurse of the nightshift checked on them once more and was more than satisfied with the progress the archer made. The medical staff was waiting for them to leave medical. Taking care of a fretting Coulson was exhausting but the combination of Coulson and the Avengers was more than they could take.

"Hey awake again?" Phil kissed Clint's knuckles. "They have to run more tests before they take out the ventilator. And I'm not sure when they will remove the other tubes. "

Clint blinked once, okay. They developed their own emergency language over the years.

"How are you?"

Clint blinked once, It's bearable. Blinking once was positive, blinking twice negative.

"I know you have been better but it could be worse," you could be dead. "Thank you Clint, I owe you my life."

He blinked twice, You owe me nothing.

"I do," Phil placed Clint's palm against his cheek. "You did so much for me and I had no idea. That was stupid but I understand. – Don't cry," he warned. He hated it when Clint shed tears. It made his heart constrict and his mind raced to find a way to take those tears away. "There's nothing to cry about."

There is, Clint blinked furiously to get the rid of the lingering tears.

Phil took a deep breath, "No, Clint. I forgive you. I forgive you for breaking my heart. –I want what we once had. I want to wake up next to you; I want to fall asleep in your arms. I want to nag about your untidiness and I want to see you play with the Martinez boys. I want to see you play with our kids."

Clint's eyes widened. He wasn't sure that his drugged mind put the words correctly together.

"Come home, please," come back to me.

I hurt you, I broke you. I can't go home after all I've done.

"Let me say it differently," Phil licked his lips. "You're coming home with me; that's an order, agent."

Clint wanted to chuckle at the absurdity of the conversation. Idiot, he thought fondly. The archer pulled his hand away and motioned Phil to place his hand on the bed. Coulson did as he was told and moved his hand closer to Clint's as he realized that Clint's hand was searching for his.

Clint used Phil's palm as a notepad; writing an L with his index finger on his handler's skin.

"L-o-v-e-y-o-u-." Phil's face lit up while he took a shaky breath. "I love you too. I never stopped."

The archer wrapped his hand around Phil's and held him tight. It was his way to say that he never stopped loving him either.

"S-O-R-. Stop right there," Phil ordered. "I know that you're sorry and I'm sure you know it was stupid but I don't want an apology. If you still love me as much as you claim you do, let's start over. If you don't want to then you don't love me as much as you pretend to do." It was a cheap trick but Clint would never come back on his own accord. Guilt and the sense of unworthiness weight too heavy on the archer's soul. I don't let you run from me because you're scared of screwing up again.

Clint closed his eyes, that's mean, he caressed with his thumb weakly over the back of Phil's hand.

"Next time you wake up I want an answer," he knew what Clint's answer would be.

:::::::::::::::

Two days later Clint was almost tube free and able to stay awake for more than a few minutes.

He noticed how the dark circles around Phil's eyes faded and his skin gained some color back. The older agent increased his food intake and Natasha snuck burgers in for him. The nurses pretended not to know as long as Barton stayed away from it.

Yesterday he'd noticed an unfamiliar weight around his finger and pondered since then how to address the ring. To be honest they barely talked since Clint was able to reply verbally. The silence wasn't uncomfortable but not relaxed either it was something in between.

Questions lingered between them, neither voiced nor answered. Phil was still waiting for a reply to his question and Clint didn't dare to ask why.

God Barton you're an adult, Clint chided himself. Open your damn mouth.

"I don't bite," Phil looked up from his book. This time it was a political thriller.

Clint didn't know how so he raised his hand and wiggled his finger. His eyes never strayed from Phil's.

"We're engaged," he stated matter-of-factly.

"We are?" The surprise clearly visible on the archer's face.

"Of course, or else the ring wouldn't be there, right?"

"Uhm."

"I bought the ring before our relationship ended so it's not some kind of survivor's guilt or PTSD. We just marry later than planned," Coulson shrugged; returning his gaze to his book.

"Do I have a say in this?"

"No."

"But…"

"No, but. You want to marry me but your wrecked self-worth tells you otherwise. So no you don't have a say in this. –But you can pick the date."

"August 3th."

"That's next year," Coulson frowned. "Do you try to stall time for changing my mind in the meantime?"

That too, "It's the day I got shot." If you still want me by then I'm convinced you're insane; and that you love me very much.

Coulson almost dropped his book as the words sliced like a dagger through his heart. The memories he tried to bury deep inside his mind rushed over him like a monsoon.

"We can marry on your birthday? How does that sound?" The archer backpedaled. It wasn't his intention to cause his fiancé, damn that sounds good, any pain.

"My birthday is next month," Phil whispered absentmindedly.

"Stop thinking then and get a notepad, we have a wedding to plan."

"What?" The flashback subsided.

"We have one month to plan our wedding, we have not much time to lose."

"Next month?" Next Month! Holy…

"See, you don't truly want to marry me," he misread the expression on his handler's face.

"… cold feet..."

"What?"

"I get cold feet," Phil confessed. "That's what I dreamed of since we got together. I'm scared."

"You're scared? Coulson is not scared of anyone."

"But Phil is," Coulson gave him an insecure smile. "Wait, why do you think I'm never scared?"

"You are the best agent the agency has; and I got the impression you changed over the years we spent apart."

"You were right about me being suicidal. I stopped caring if I lived or died. I stopped caring for you, at least I tried. But I never stopped being scared. You dying in my arms scared the hell out of me. Not even Loki scared me as much as the prospect of losing you; bleeding out in my arms."

"Why do you love me so much?"

"I don't know. My heart longs for you. The way you move, the way you smile and the little wrinkles around your eyes when you smile. Your wit and intelligence; don't disagree. Your voice; your eyes, especially the way you look at me. Like I'm the only person in the universe who matters."

"You are the only person for me," Clint confirmed. "I love you the way you are. Angry outbursts, jealousy and hatred included."

Phil took a sharp breath, "I'm old, I lose my hair, I'm getting chubby and I'm not a nice person. I never understood why you love me either but you do and that's important; and all I need to know. You made a blunder, I truly thought you toyed with me, but now that I know it's not true I am able to forgive. That's all I can say. I have no idea what else I can say to make you understand. I can only repeat myself over and over again until you believe me."

"You're right I don't believe it. Not because I think you're a liar, I know you are not, but because I can't forgive myself. I would make the same decision again; I still believe it was the best choice but it does not make it right. I broke your heart, even though I knew how much you loved me. I hoped you'd move on, you know. I hoped you hate me and find yourself a suitable woman, or man. You'd be an awesome dad," Clint smiled ruefully. "You're a great man Phil, never doubt that. Everyone has flaws, they're normal."

Phil remained silent, thinking about all the things Clint had said.

"Phil?" Clint worried. Did I hurt you?

"Do you remember Rio?"

"Yes," Clint was confused.

"It was our first mission after changing from friends to lovers."

The archer waited patiently for his lover to continue.

"The mission went well," it had been a good day. They waited for the mark, Clint shot him and they returned home. "Maria and Jasper invited me for a drink after our briefing."

"I remember. You came home early. You're still not talking to Maria and your relationship with Jasper isn't what it used to be."

"They asked me why I put up with you. They did not understand why we entered a relationship. Maria thought, and probably still does, that you're not worth my time. Jasper on the other hand thought I was just a play thing. Someone you could screw and toss aside."

"They must have cheered inwardly, or very openly, after our break up," it pained Clint to know that Phil's friends did not approve of him.

"They did. Jasper and I rebuild our friendship after you left. He tried to put me back together. Maria just said I told you so." Coulson leaned forwards in his chair, "Do you know what I said? Before we broke up."

"No," Clint whispered.

"That I'm not worth your time because you posses the kindest soul of us all. You might be exhausting and difficult to handle but despite all beliefs you posses a heart of gold. And do you know why they'll never understand?"

Clint shook his head.

"Because they don't know you the way I do. Carrying granny Baker's grocery bags, playing with the Martinez kids, playing Santa each year at the orphanage close by, protecting little Lucy on her way home from work at night, playing the perfect housewife," he added the last part to lighten the mood because Clint hated it when Phil described him as housewife of the relationship.

Clint snorted but Phil's speech touched him deeply.

"You're blaming yourself again," Phil realized. "Stop that."

"I do not," he got defensive.

"Yes you do. I can see it in your eyes. You believe you destroyed my friendship with Jasper and Maria."

"No," it was anything but convincing.

"I didn't tell you this to add to your guilt. It just popped into my mind and I wanted to talk about it. Nothing more."

"I can't help it," he looked away.

Phil trapped Clint's chin between his strong fingers and forced Clint to look at him, "Don't look away. Don't ever look away from me."

Clint nodded, swallowing the lump that formed in his throat.

"In your case looking away means hiding and I won't let you hide from me ever again. I want to look into your eyes while we talk. I deserve the truth."

"Okay."

"Okay," Phil sealed his order with a loving kiss. He enjoyed Clint's warm lips against his own. "I missed you," he breathed against his lover's skin. I missed you so much. The kiss sent a sense of love and warmth through Coulson's body. He felt alive for the first time in ages.

Clint hoped the kiss would never end. He had missed Phil's familiar weight against him, his soft lips touching his own. He felt loved and safe; seconds ago he could barely remember how that felt like.

"I'm sorry," Phil pulled away. "I'm keeping you awake. You look ready to pass out."

"'m not sorry," he wanted those soft lips back. "Sleep with me?"

"No," Phil returned to his seat. "You're not well enough. I could hurt you."

"Want to feel safe," the archer mumbled sleepily. The loss of Phil's body heat made him feel the cold even more.

"You are safe, Hawk. I'm here," Phil reassured. "And I'm not going anywhere."

"Want to talk," he was stubborn enough to fight his sleepiness.

"We can talk later."

"We have so much to discuss."

"No, Hawk. We don't."

Clint squeezed his eyes shut for a moment to get rid of the burning feeling in his eyes. He hated being sleepy.

"Stop fighting it," Phil caressed Clint's arm. "I endured the same after Loki, trust me you need rest."

"I know," Clint opened his eyes. "I know what you had to endure."

Phil looked flabbergasted, "It wasn't a dream?"

Clint lips formed a lazy smile, "no dream."

"I thought I imagined you."

"Kept you company when no one was looking, not even you." It was impossible to keep his eyes open any longer.

"Oh, Clinton," Phil sighed fondly. "I thought you were just a happy memory ghosting through my mind. You're the reason I'm still alive. Your pleading voice kept me away from the light," Phil mused out loud while he put the puzzle pieces together.

"Couldn't leave you alone," Clint's voice was so soft Phil had to strain his ears to catch his words. "… needed guidance."

"Thank you," I almost missed all this. I would have died without knowing the truth; leaving you here all alone in front of the shards of your life.

Phil got no reply, Clint had fallen asleep.