Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.
~Lyndon B Johnson
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
Kimiko's favorite place to be while at the Shihoin Mansion was her mother's garden as the very edge of the estate. The beautiful garden was where the woman could remember spending a lot of her childhood, trying -and failing-, to help her mother. Her mother always had a love for nature, was so attuned to it, not having a garden was out of the question.
After their mother's death, Michiko took over caring for the garden; a coping method of sorts. Keeping the garden alive was keeping the memory of their mother alive. Anytime one of the siblings needed the comfort only a mother could give, they would find themselves in the expanse of the garden.
Misaki Shihoin was the embodiment of the perfect wife and mother. She was kind, smart, beautiful, gentle, loving; everyone who met her loved her. Her children were her pride and joy, and her unbending love for her children was what ultimately lead to her demise.
During her pregnancy with Sayuri, she became extremely sick. It came down to she either abort the child, or carry it to term and die. Misaki would have chosen death for herself over her child a million times over. Her body was weak, leading Sayuri to be born premature. The sick mother only lived a few days after the birth.
Though her children took the loss hard, her husband seemed to take it the hardest. Takashi Shihoin was a big-hearted man. He wasn't a warrior like his father or brother, and his Zanpakuto skills weren't very well developed. However, he had a talent for Kido that that led him to becoming the head of the Kido Corps. He loved his wife and children with every fiber of his being, but the wife of his death crushed him. Takashi couldn't live without his wife, he loved her too deeply. After securing his children's future, he went on a solo mission and never returned.
"You've only been here a few hours and you're already hiding from us?" A deep voice joked and Kimiko forced a smile on her face before turning to face the imposing figure of her grandfather.
"Just needed a few minutes of peace and quiet to collect my thoughts." She replied sincerely, the feel of the cool black fan in her sleeve weighing heavy on her heart, her last conversation with Yoruichi playing through her mind.
"I thought you'd have been long gone." Kimiko commented quietly, laying in her hospital bed and staring at the open window across from her, the silhouette of a cat capturing her attention.
"I have to tell you something." Yoruichi stated, putting Kimiko on guard. Her cousin was rarely this serious, choosing to bicker even in the middle of battle most times. Kimiko simply nodded at her cousin to continue. "We, Kisuke, Tessai, and I, haven't been completely honest with you."
Kimiko sat up, ignoring the dull pain in her abdomen.
"This is about why they were exiled, none of you would give me a straight answer so I dropped it. I trusted that if it were important you would have told me."
"We should have, I wanted to, but Kisuke didn't want you starting something, he didn't want you to dig and alert Aizen."
Aizen. Of course.
"Aizen is the reason you all got exiled and Kisuke didn't want to tell me? I could have done something. I could have stopped him. If I could have proved Kisuke innocent-"
"You wouldn't have been able to Kimi, all you would have done was tip Aizen off that you were on to him, possibly forced him to make his move sooner." Yoruichi interrupted softly, seeing how distressed her cousin was.
"I would have been more on guard, I would have been on the lookout for strange occurrences, I might have never sent Hotaru out that night, jesus." Kimiko rambled, eyes wide as she tried to process.
"I'm so sorry Ki-"
"I trusted you. All of you. My trust isn't easily given but you three had it, more so than anyone." The distressed woman said sharply, eyes hard as she glared at her cousin.
"Kimi-"
"Get out."
"You have to-"
"Get. Out."
Yoruichi hesitated, heart heavy as she looked at her cousin, pain and hurt on her face. When Kimiko looked back at the windowsill, her cousin was gone.
"Come, sit with me." Daisuke said, moving to sit at one of the many benches within the garden. With a deep sigh, Kimiko followed, feeling very small next to her grandfather. "Now tell me what's on your mind."
"I don't even know where to start ji-ji." She confessed, admiring the flowers in front of them. Snapdragons, her mother planted them when Kimiko was appointed captain of the fourteenth, her new divison's flower.
"It doesn't matter where you start." Daisuke pointed out and Kimiko took a breath.
"Aizen is the reason Kisuke, Tessai, and Yoruichi were exiled and they kept that information from me all this time." As she recounted the information, she felt her anger grow. "They knew this whole time that he was a traitor, and kept me in the dark about it! If I had known I could have done something, I would have been more alert, I would have kept a closer eye on him!"
She took a shaky breath before saying what hurt the most, the main reason for her anger.
"I never would have sent Hotaru out alone that night, I might not have sent her out at all. Aizen is the reason she's dead, he told me himself." Kimiko didn't shout the last two sentences, they were quieter, broken, filled with grief.
"Come here little bird." Her grandfather said softly and she sat back down, having stood up in her anger. Daisuke gently wiped the tears from Kimiko's face and she was shocked to discover that she was crying. She hadn't even realized.
"What's the point? People say I'm strong, I'm a captain of the Gotei Fourteen, the most informed person in the Seireitei, yet when it matters most I'm useless. I couldn't protect Hotaru, I couldn't protect Hanako; what's the point?" She lamented, tucking her head into the crook of her grandfather's neck.
Seeing his normally calm, cheerful, granddaughter so filled with grief made Daisuke see red.
From a young age, Daisuke knew his granddaughter understood what their family name meant. She worked harder than anyone to train, to become strong, to live up the expectations surrounding her. However, along the way, she lost a part of herself. Though she would smile, she wasn't truly happy.
That changed when she met Hotaru. For the first time since she was a child, Daisuke saw true happiness in his granddaughter's eyes. Though the council objected to the marriage due to Hotaru's nonexistent status, Daisuke quickly shut them down; Kimiko's happiness meant more to him than ties to another family.
The clumsy red-head thawed a part of his granddaughter's heart that she had unknowingly frozen. She helped her through the death of her parents, eased the stress the being a captain brought; they glowed around each other.
When Hotaru died, Daisuke feared his granddaughter would never be the same. He feared she would succumb to depression, sink into the darkness and never return. But thanks to a little blue haired girl, she managed to survive.
"Living in the past will only impede you from living in the present. You know Yoruichi must be hurting, she would never have kept something like that from you if she didn't believe it was the right thing to do, same with Kisuke and Tessai. What matters now is you all have a common enemy. And the point to all this, think of all the people you've saved. Any captain here could drive themselves crazy if they only focused on those they lost. Consider it a learning experience if you must, but you cannot let it break you. Your daughter is here, she's safe, and at the end of the day that's what matters, believe me." Kimiko was crying at this point. Her grandfather always knew what to say to make her feel better. He had a way of putting things in perspective.
"Thank you jii-jii." She said after a few minutes, still sniffling but no longer actively crying.
"Anytime little bird."
…
"I refuse!" Minako exclaimed loudly, slamming her fist down on the table, the piece of furniture shuddering. Kimiko smiled in-between bites of her curry. It was comforting to be around her siblings.
"Minako, you do his every time we are invited to an event, you should stop being so childish." Michiko responded demurely, taking a sip of her tea.
"At least I don't live like some little girl living in a fairy tale waiting for my prince to come!" Minako spat and Kimiko noticed how Michiko's hand tightened around the handle of her cup.
"You two are still at each other's throats I see." Kimiko commented lightly, amusement present in her voice.
"I just don't see the point of going to the stupid thing! It's the same every time; nobles sit around and discuss pointless things and girls throw themselves at the boys. It's sickening. I would rather use my time productively." Minako defended, crossing her arms in agitation.
"And I do not see why you cannot just suck it up for one night. What message is that sending to the other nobles if a member of the main family simply refuses to go? It could be taken as a direct insult and directly insulting Byakuya Kuchiki is not a smart move." Michiko attempted to counter politely, but Kimiko could see the frustration on her sister's face.
"Stop talking like that! You're not a princess Michi! No one talks like that!" Minako exploded, planting her hands on the table and jumping to her feet. Kimiko had noticed of course, the change in her sister's dialect, but hadn't thought anything of it.
"Regardless," Kimiko started, putting authority in her voice the screamed 'shut up'. "we are all going to the Kuchiki manor tonight. We will be leaving soon so I would be wise to start getting ready."
"Yes, nee-san."
"Yes, nee-sama."
With a smile to her chastised siblings, Kimiko left to get ready.
…
The long time Shihoin housekeeper, Hikaru, was waiting for her when she entered her room. A beautifully embroidered royal blue kimono was laid out of her bed and she smiled at the elderly woman.
"Your kimonos are still the best Hikaru-san." Kimiko praised earnestly, undressing so she could get changed. The statement was far from a lie, the woman was highly sought after by noble women, but always refused commissions, she was unwavering loyal to the Shihoins.
Hikaru didn't respond to Kimiko's praise, she never did, instead grabbing the blue kimono and began dressing the younger woman. Kimiko knew the woman's seemingly cold personality was actually the completely opposite. If the old housekeeper didn't like the Shihoin, the kimono she was being dressed in wouldn't be half as nice.
"Tch." Hikaru said and she ran her hand along the light scar decorating Kimiko's stomach. Unohana could have made them disappear, but most Shinigami kept their scars as a reminder. She wasn't an exception to that.
"It wasn't that bad Hikaru-san." Kimiko comforted as the woman tied a sash around her waist.
"Sit." She commanded and chuckling, Kimiko obeyed. Hikaru started working on the Shihoin's hair and Kimiko sighed in pleasure. She loved having people play with her hair, Hotaru would do it all the time. Her late wife loved her long, burgundy, locks. Her love for Kimiko's hair was the reason it grew to be as long as it did, just reaching the small of her back.
"I've missed having you do my hair Hikaru-san." Kimiko confessed, watching the older lady in the mirror. A small smile decorated her wrinkled face and the way she was unnecessarily gentle with her hair, let Kimiko know she missed her too.
After her hair was tamed in an elegant half up, half down fashion, Hikaru began decorating her face. Kimiko was never much of a fan of makeup, just a bit of lipstick and eyeliner to accentuate her features. She wasn't as beautiful as Michiko, but the way she carried herself always attracted people.
…
The Kuchiki estate was beautiful. That came as no surprise to Kimiko as she had been there frequently in the past, less so in the past few decades. However, despite the immense beauty, the estate seemed cold; a reflection of the man who inhabited it.
Ryuusuke was immediately swept away into a sea of giggling females, Michiko began to socialize, and Minako made herself scarce. Their grandfather had opted to stay at home with Sayuri and Hanako. Alone, Kimiko searched the crowd for a familiar head of white hair, but wasn't fast enough.
"Kimiko-san! It's been far too long since you graced us with your presence." An arrogant voice called and Kimiko inwardly cringed. She took a deep breath and put a polite smile on her face before turning to face to the heir of the Hashimoto family, Masuru Hashimoto.
He was as arrogant as he was handsome. Women were constantly swooning over him, his emerald green eyes and sandy blonde hair gave him an aesthetically pleasing appearance, but Kimiko knew there was nothing pleasant about the man. He thought himself better then everyone and had an open distaste for those he deemed himself superior too; including her late wife, her daughter, and his own cousin Shikima.
"It surely hasn't been that long Masuru-san." Kimiko replied politely, eyes discretely searching for an escape route.
"A day without seeing your beautiful face seems a lifetime." He countered and she had to stop herself from jerking away when he grabbed her hand and placed a kiss to her knuckles. Masuru was a prime candidate for marriage, being the heir to the Hashimoto family, and his father would soon be retiring the position., making him head.
However, he was the last person Kimiko would pick.
"Kimi-chan!" A boisterous voice called, saving Kimiko from having to form a response.
"Shunsui." She breathed, trying to keep the relief from her voice. The woman could kiss the scraggly captain now standing next to her.
Though not all captains were noble, they were high ranking officials, and almost always invited to events held by nobles.
"Shunsui-taichou, what an honor to have you here." Masuru said, a fake smile plastered on his face. He might not have particularly liked the captain, but he had enough sense to know it was never a good idea to get on a captain's bad side.
"Hello Masaru." Shunsui greeted casually and Kimiko couldn't tell if Masuru was angrier about the lack of honorific or the fact that Shunsui got his name wrong.
"Well, I think it's time I greeted the host." Kimiko announced, detaching herself from the detestable man.
"What a shame, perhaps we can have dinner sometime Kimiko-san." She nodded, tight-lipped, and grabbed onto Shunsui's arm, extracting them before any further conversation could take place.
"He is a very unpleasant man." Kimiko commented as she and Shunsui stood apart from the chattering nobles. It had been a while since she had been to such an event and she felt out of practice.
And she felt angry.
"They're all so ignorant, the non-Shinigami ones. They don't care about what happened, all they care about are their fancy parties, about gaining even higher status. It's sickening." She vented, her frustration rising the longer she stared at the happy nobles. "I've been around these people my whole life, I've always known it was like this, but to be so carefree at a time like this-".
A strong hand grasped her arm, grounding her. She took a deep breath and met Shunsui's comforting gaze. He was always able to do that, to calm her down, bring her back.
"Let them live in their ignorant bliss, it's better. Would you rather them panicking? They know what occurred with Aizen, but in their mind, we are going to stop him. They have no doubts about our abilities, they trust us."
"I wish I was as confident as them." She sighed, feeling the weight of all that occurred bearing down on her. Shunsui placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and she felt some of the pressure alleviate.
"We are going to stop him, he took us by surprise, none of us were ready for him to be at the level that he was. Now we know, know we'll be prepared." There was a dark promise in Shunsui's words. Despite the persona he portrayed, he was one of the strongest in the Gotei Fourteen.
"I missed it." Kimiko said, whole posture deflating. "How did I miss something this big? Three captains, three."
"You can't keep beating yourself up over this Kimiko. Aizen's smart, this was something he was planning for a long time. What matters now is stopping him, nothing else."
"You always know how to make me feel better." Kimiko smiled, perking up even if just a little.
"What kind of man would I be if I couldn't make my favorite girl smile?" He replied causing her to roll her eyes.
A/N: This is super long but I couldn't find a place to end it. Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Thanks to all who favorited and followed!
lizyeh2000: thank you!