Over a year had passed since the glorious blossoming of the plant jesus. His praise was coming in groves now, with daily sacrifices of caprese salads and cabbage thongs, Friday evening masses where people did nothing by dry grind against his portrait, and the occasional invitation to A-list celebrity parties. Just last week Zetsu had attended Adam Sandler's 50th consecutive Bat Mitzvah, but somehow the plant overlord seemed...incomplete.
Zetsu's boner was still going strong, for nearly 14 months he was inconveniently knocking things over with his never-flaccid love muscle and the entire Akatsuki organization was growing rather irritated with the 9" shaft of dreams. On countless occasions, when they actually mustered up the courage to comment on their frustrations - meaning they would put Sasuke and his fuck pals up to the task - Zetsu waved their complaints off with a swing of his schlong. "Even if I wanted to, this power bestowed upon me by the universe itself cannot be tamed," he would say while patting his penis like a dog.
Funnily enough, Zetsu and Kisame actually attempted to pair Samehada with the monochromatic tubesock stuffer, but the chakra eating mutt would have none of it. "It's probably just offput by the size of it," Kisame shrugged and allowed Samehada to crawl back into his ass for safe keeping. This made Zetsu rather disappointed.
Surely there was something more to his almighty essence than a 14 month long erection...The feeling of being incomplete soon returned and he silently left the Assfest home of operations.
"What's wrong with him?" Itachi asked dryly, copping a feel of Kisame's tight buns.
"His heart is hollow, but his johnson is swollen." Kisame sighed while looking after the bummed salad with sympathetic eyes before turning to embrace his bird lover between gross sobs.
Patting Kisame's ass comfortingly, Itachi shed a single tear. "Damn…" he whispered, then proceeding to fist his partner solemnly.
Zetsu walked past the masses of adoring fans waiting outside the Asscave to meet him and stopped before them, taking in the squealing and camera flashes zoomed in on his ultrapowered dong. He dragged his golden eyes across each face, hatefully envying their enlightened purpose in life. They love me, he thought, I am the reason they wake up in the morning. With this, he straightened his posture and dusted off his massive neckbeard leaves. I will show them the true meaning of a false God.
"An erection (clinically: penile erection or penile tumescence) is a physiological phenomenon in which the penis becomes firmer, engorged and enlarged. Penile erection is the result of a complex interaction of psychological, neural, vascular and endocrine factors, and is often associated with sexual arousal or sexual attraction, although erections can also be spontaneous. The shape, angle and direction of an erection varies considerably in humans.
Physiologically, erection is triggered by the parasympathetic division of the autonomic nervous system (ANS), causing nitric oxide (a vasodilator) levels to rise in the trabecular arteries andsmooth muscle of the penis. The arteries dilate causing the corpora cavernosa of the penis (and to a lesser extent the corpora spongiosum) to fill with blood; simultaneously theischiocavernosus and bulbospongiosus muscles compress the veins of the corpora cavernosa restricting the egress and circulation of this blood. Erection subsides when parasympathetic activity reduces to baseline.
As an autonomic nervous system response, an erection may result from a variety of stimuli, including sexual stimulation and sexual arousal, and is therefore not entirely under conscious control. Erections during sleep or upon waking up are known as nocturnal penile tumescence(NPT). Absence of nocturnal erection is commonly used to distinguish between physical and psychological causes of erectile dysfunction and impotence."
He paused to admire the fading glow in the poparazzi's faces.
"An erection occurs when two tubular structures, called the corpora cavernosa, that run the length of the penis, become engorged with venous blood. This may result from any of various physiological stimuli, also known as sexual stimulation and sexual arousal. The corpus spongiosum is a single tubular structure located just below the corpora cavernosa, which contains the urethra, through which urine andsemen pass during urination and ejaculation respectively. This may also become slightly engorged with blood, but less so than the corpora cavernosa."
Someone in the crowd began to cry, another started to shake with rage and punched the fan nearest to him. With blood pooling out from beneath their head, the fan curled into the fetal position and proceeded to sob lightly.
"At the time of penetration, the canine penis is not erect, and only able to penetrate the female because it includes a narrow bone called the baculum, a feature of most placental mammals. After the male achieves penetration, he will often hold the female tighter and thrust faster, and it is during this time that the male's penis expands. Unlike human sexual intercourse, where the male penis commonly becomes erect before entering the female, canine copulation involves the male first penetrating the female, after which swelling of the penis to erection occurs.[23] An elephant's penis is S-shaped when fully erect and has a Y-shaped orifice.[24] Given the small amount of erectile tissue in a bull's penis, there is little enlargement after erection. The penis is quite rigid when non-erect, and becomes even more rigid during erection. Protrusion is not affected much by erection, but more by relaxation of the retractor penis muscle and straightening of the sigmoid flexure.[25][26] A male fossa's penis reaches to between his forelegs when erect.[27] When not erect, a horse's penis is housed within the prepuce, 50 centimetres (20 in) long and 2.5 to 6 centimetres (0.98 to 2.36 in) in diameter with the distal end 15 to 20 centimetres (5.9 to 7.9 in). The retractor muscle contracts to retract the penis into the sheath and relaxes to allow the penis to extend from the sheath.[28] When erect, the penis doubles in length[29] and thickness and the glans increases by 3 to 4 times.[28] Erection and protrusion take place gradually, by the increasing tumescence of the erectile vascular tissue in the corpus cavernosum penis.[30][31] Most stallions achieve erection within 2 minutes of contact with an estrus mare, and mount the estrus mare 5–10 seconds afterward.[32] A bird penis is different in structure from mammal penises, being an erectile expansion of the cloacal wall and being erected by lymph, not blood.[33] The penis of the lake duck can reach about the same length as the animal himself when fully erect, but more commonly is about half the bird's length."
At this point, the entire crowd of hundreds of fans had melted into a blob of self loathing and horrified expressions. They shuddered and crumbled into balls, depending on one another's shoulders or crotches to muffle the grotesque sobbing radiating from their bowels. Some fans took the shock in the form of aggravation and left the mob to join the military to die at the hands of another sexually frustrated shinobi.
With his voice being televised in every home, Zetsu had instigated the world's deterioration into apocalyptic chaos. Looters raided viagra cabinets, thugs beat up impotent 80 year olds, angsty teenagers furiously masturbated to the Grease soundtrack - it had become clear that their god had failed them.
When Zetsu finally returned to the super secret Assfest cave of hideouts, every member was sitting in a circle with their legs criss cross apple sauce style. Damn, he thought. They know I can't resist a good old fashioned hang out with our wangs out. "What's the dealio amigos?" Zetsu asked, crossing his legs and exposing his massive erection to match the rest.
Tobi was the first to speak. He rolled over to Zetsu's side and lovingly pulled the plantkin's head to his chest. Stroking his hair lightly, tobi responded "The dealio, Zetsu-samasingaporegalore, is that we are all worried about you." His deep voice was like caramel oozing over Zetsu's ears. Without realizing it, he began to purr.
"It's like, fuck man...You've changed since the motherfucking stapler incident." Hidan shook his head, blinking back tears while screaming literally every word. "IF I HAD KNOWN THE MOTHERFUCKING SHIT RITUAL WOULD HAVE DONE THIS TO YOUR SWEET CRUSTY LEAF CROTCH I WOULD NOT HAVE PERFORMED IT." He couldn't blink back his tears any longer, they began to stream down Hidan's face like rain. Amegakure rain. Konan, who was sitting a few feet away, became aroused. "I JUST WISH MY FUCKING DAISY LOOKING SON OF A PENIS SNIFFER WOULD COME HOME. I MISS THAT LITTLE CABBAGE PATCH ANAL FISTER." He began to sob louder and turned to muffle his face into Kakuzu's exposed crotch. The plushie accountant pat his partner's greased back hair gently, coins slipping from his sleeves and covering Hidan.
"There, there, cash register…" He said softly, blinking back his own tears - not for Zetsu's sake, but for the fact that his coin purse was punctured and his finances were on the floor again. Why this… he thought, and cradled his pottymouthed lover even tighter.
"I don't understand," Zetsu scanned the pal circle after lifting his head from Tobi's breast. "Are you dissatisfied with my rule?" More curiously than angrily, Zetsu shot an aggressive look towards Sasuke who was chained to his dog kennel and playing with an orochimaru action figure. Sasuke looked up, making the mistake of meeting Zetsu's eyes with his own.
"Did you say vengeance-" the sheer force of Zetsu's gaze caused the Uchiha child's eyes to pop with a very faint POOF. It was so quiet, no one had even realized Tobi's pet asshole was now a blind mess of eyeball goop. Sasuke tried to figure out what had happened, but his finger slipped into the empty socket and the panic overtook him, he fainted right then and there. It was naptime for Sausage.
"No, no, of course not Zetsu-samalamadingdong. You know we love you and your almighty all-powerful ascension to the level that permits you to squash us mere mortals with the blink of an eye…!" Tobi scooted closer to his cabbage lover to better gingerly stroke his leaves.
"We just think…" The soft voice of Itachi dribbled into the conversation, "You aren't enjoying it as much as we are."
"Yeah your boner is super cool and all," Kisame added, "but your sex drive is at an all time low. Just look at Tobi! Is that the face of a satisfied man?"
Everyone turned to take in Tobi's expression. There was nothing, it was literally just a mask. No one could see his damn face.
All of the Akatsuki shook their heads mournfully at the sight of their abstinent pal. Zetsu looked at Tobi with a frown. They were right. Where had his sexual advances gone? Where was his promiscuous thoughts and schemes? Where Zetsu would have once stood by the bathrooms to get a peek at the fine honies, he would now stand at the bar like a total asshole expecting the fine honies to expose themselves to him. He had stopped working for the diddles and seemingly avoided them altogether - Zetsu hadn't had a sexual encounter in over a year and even Hidan's shitty knockoff VS Angel panties weren't enough to frustrate him.
Zetsu was incomplete, and now the entire Akatsuki assfest could see it.
"I…" Tears began to roll down Zetsu's monochromatic cheeks and he lowered his head to sob into his massive erection. "I'm so sorry for making you all worry…"
"Hey now," Deidara's smooth voice dripped over Zetsu's shoulder. The artist's hand convulsed and puked up a tissue that was practically soaked with mouth hand innards. Was that...Stomach acid? Did that hand link to Deidara's stomach? "Dry those sexy tears, my man."
Sasori, who had only just recently become a real boy, scooted up next to his tall blonde partner to get a better look at what was going on. Deidara acknowledged his presence and held his hand warmly, "Sasori no donut and I are here for you. We're open to a threesome, just say the word." Sasori's face contorted into something repulsive and he looked at Deidara with disgust.
"We didn't discuss this-" He argued under his breath.
Deidara's smile dropped and he turned his head slightly to see Sasori out of the corner of his eye, "Do not bicker with me in front of the company, I swear to god Sasori."
"Then don't make decisions without me, Deidara…!" Sasori's hoarse whispers raised and octave out of frustration.
Deidara winced and grit his teeth, "Snuggle puppet, please, you are making a scene."
"I'm just asking for some leeway here, I'm not ready to expose my fleshiness to other people…"
"It'll be fine, Sassafrass. I'll be right there with you, and he really needs it!"
Sasori pursed his lips, "...ok, I'm ok with it."
"Are you pussIEs done diddling each other's anuses or should we give you a minute?" Pain asked with a cracking voice from across the intervention circle. "I've got a Call of Duty game waiting for me and this dew isn't getting any fresher." Every member was staring at Sasori and Deidara, including George W. Bush who was previously playing with a loose thread on his Akatsuki cloak.
"Silly deidei…" George chuckled, "your gayness is a one way ticket to hell central station. Aheheheheheh"
"WE ARE GETTING OFF THE MOTHERFUCKING TRACK HERE," Hidan yelled through sobs. "THIS SWEET MOTHERFUCKING DAISY NEEDS OUR HELP. KAKUZOOB," he turned to the man silently picking up pennies from the floor, "WE NEED SOME CONDOMS, GO TO THE SEX DUNGE-"
"No," Tobi's voice broke the intervention chaos and he uncrossed his legs. Everyone gasped. "This is something Zetsu-samagrandslamsandwich needs to decide for himself." He looked down at Zetsu. "Sweetcheeks, what is it that you need? What can we do to rid you of this erect burden?"
Zetsu pondered this question. What would cure him of this neverending cycle of unhappiness? After what seemed like 3 days (which it was) of thinking, Zetsu finally came to a conclusion. He looked at each of the Akatsuki members who were now sore as fuck from sitting in the same position for three fucking days without sleep and took a deep breath. "An orgy."
Literally everyone shrugged and figured "yeah sure why not?" and the Akatsuki Assfest was back in business.
Zetsu's erection disappeared after the Friday night fuckfest, and although his godly status faded he was still a happy plant. "I don't need to be a god to satisfy the masses. And I don't need a chubber to be a cool guy."
"That's right, Zetsu-chansamasenpaikun. I love you just the way you are, ken doll and all." Tobi said, lifting his head from the anonymous ass that was sitting on his mask uneventfully.
For once in his life, Zetsu felt happy and complete.
end.