The TV flickered on aggressively.
"Hey what's up guys it's me, Kisame Hoshigaki, and this is my crib." Kisame threw up his arm in a welcoming invitation, "Come on in!" The massive shark furry waddled into his literal hole in the wall. He pretended to close a door, but there wasn't a door. It was just a 2x4" hole in Itachi's bedroom wall.
"Oh man! Looks like we got company," Kisame crabwalked to the far corner of his hovel and straddled Kakuzu with his massive thighs. "This is my pal Kakuzu, say hi buddy."
The accountant shrieked when the clammy fish man's naked body slithered over him, but relaxed as the big blue grubbers began to softly stroke his hair. "O-oh…" He blushed. He was a camera-shy fellow.
Kisame chuckled and pulled himself off of the five hearted fart. "He's been crashing here while Hidan fights off the IRS, haha you know how it goes. Anyways, come on the sweet kitchen's this way!" Giving Kakuzu one last pat, Kisame turned to walk a foot across the hole in the wall.
Suddenly a commercial break overtook the television and the Akatsuki organization clapped madly on the couch. Itachi, holding his hot blue boyfriend like a mother would hold a small child, gave the fish a small smooch on his gilled cheek.
"I can't believe I'm dating a real hollywood celebrity," he said in his dry and monotone voice.
Kisame, curled up into a fetal ball, and beamed proudly. "Well, it was your bedroom, Itachi-san."
"Yeah so I want royalties."
"Huh?" An intrigued accountant poked his head out of the hole in Itachi's room, curiously peering into the livingroom where his fellow assfest members were watching Kisame's debut. "Are we talking money?"
Excitement fluttered up into Hidan's ass and his entire body floated from off the hip and totally rad beanbag chair he had accommodated. "KAKUZU YOU DODGEY MOTHERFUCKER WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" he screamed as he scrambled over the couch, stepping on his pals in the process. "YOU WENT FUCKING MISSING MONTHS AGO, WE HAD TO MAKE THESE GOD DAMN POSTERS!" Hidan unrolled a piece of paper with Kakuzu's face crudely drawn beneath the words MISSING FUCKBOY ACCOUNTANT PLEASE CONTACT LOCAL TERRORIST ORGANIZATION, BITCHES.
Peen interjected, "they used up all my fucking crayons, Kakuzu. You owe me another crayola super rainbow pack with the sharpener box." He scratched the single hair on his upper lip, attempting to look manly in front of his bodacious babysitter, Konan.
Before Kakuzu could defend his tender position, Zetsu rose from the floor beneath the accountant's feet and toppled him backwards into the fine china cabinet. His entire body crashed grotesquely and fell like a ragdoll being thrown down several flights of stairs. Pieces of glass and wood chips and splinters burrowed into his stitched skin and replaced the coins he had sewn into his body for safe keeping. They scattered onto the floor, lost to the rubble and mess, and Kakuzu's entire body shuddered at the agony of watching pennies spray around his wounded limbs. His wailing filled the halls of the akatsuki frat house and rattled the framed photos of sad puppies on the walls. Soon blackness overcame his vision and Kakuzu fell limp on the trashed floor.
"What are our plans for Thanksgiving?" Zetsu asked tiredly, already losing interest in whatever had happened in the earlier paragraphs. In fact, he wasn't listening to anything. His mind was preoccupied with the raging boner Deidara was attempting to cover up. Like, holy shit that kid was endowed. Talk about a no reason boner, it was just hangin' out there. Deidara tried to throw a blanket over it but gee-wiz that thing was more resilient than pain's peen! "Like, we didn't do anything last year so...what's the dealio?"
"Yeah because of your stupid erection-sanchan…" Tobi muttered, crossing his arms and positioning himself further into the couch. Kisame quickly unraveled himself and slid out of Itachi's embrace to gently stroke Tobi's mask.
"Hey man," He said softly, leaning in. "Don't be a dick."
Tobi lowered his head apologetically. Kisame was right, he could be a real schlong donger sometimes.
Standing up to shrug dramatically and waddling with a wedgie jammed right up into his crack hella uncomfortably, Tobi approached Zetsu with his hands on his hips. "Sorry for being so salty, my gal pal-chanbanwow, but I think you owe this youth group some sweet cranberry sauce to rub on our turkey nips." His entire mask contorted into a scowl.
"Well yeah that's what I was asking about, are we making it a party or is it just casual dinner-" Zetsu blinked.
"The last time we celebrated Thanksgiving, you knocked everything off the table with your massive erection and proceeded to eat it all yourself." Konan was wiping some pudding stains off of Pain's cheek. "We won't be having a Thanksgiving this year, considering the emotional trauma from last time."
Looking back on his previous shenanigans, the plant realized his homies were correct. Last Thanksgiving, he was a mess - a real stinker in the pinker. He just wanted to celebrate the brutal relocation of Native Americans from their homes that were being settled by European pilgrims with some dead birds and corn dildos, but he had heckled it all up when the penis got wild. Even when he offered to clean up the mess, he wound up devouring everything on the floor as well as a generous chunk of Deidara's leg. In turn, the bitter artist was bedridden for 9 months with a fever. The holiday was in ruins and Zetsu couldn't feel any worse.
Scratching his neck leaves thoughtfully, he came up with a plan. "So no Thanksgiving this year, huh?"
Konan nodded, helping Pain onto her back for his routine 3 o'clock piggyback sesh.
Looking around, Zetsu saw the teary eyed faces of young and hopeful sex engines in the Akatsuki. Hidan, drawing dicks on Kakuzu's face, was so emotionally wrecked that he couldn't stop giggling. Deidara's disappointment was as clear as his unusually powerful boner, but not nearly as strong as Sasori's. The redheaded barbie doll was perched on the fireplace mantle, wrapped in the kinky lingerie Deidara had dressed him in earlier that morning. Sasori's hundred mile stare and permanent kawaii smile said it all: he was overwhelmed with sadness. Why, even Kisame was moaning in misery at the thought of missing Thanksgiving as Itachi twisted the shark man's nips with his typical stoic expression.
Zetsu was supposed to be their god; the plant that freed them from heteronormativity. The plant that freed them from their flaccid willies. The plant that taught them how to experience euphoria. He was their ultimate redemption, yet he was also the reason they were missing out on dead bird dinner.
"No," he finally said with his deep vocals. The very same vocals that once deep throated the whole Washington memorial for fun. "I'm going to save Christmas."
Eyebrows flew up into their hairlines and jaws dropped to their crotches as every Akatsuki member (excluding the decompositioning Kakuzu) looked upon Zetsu with teary, joyful eyes. Konan gasped and dropped Pain accidentally. His ass bruised immediately and he wailed and pulled at her cloak but she didn't listen. "You...You're going to save Thanksgiving?!"
"The fuck did I just say bitch. Who the fuck cares about Thanksgiving, I said I was going to save Christmas. What do you think this is, a Hallmark special? I'm ripped as fuck but I'm not that ripped, get your own god damn cranberry sauce you mooching asshats talkin' like you didn't savor every fucking second of my massive erection like bitch? do you even know how erections work? did you even read the shitting speech i gave in the last fucking chapter? lemme educate you, you papercut fuck- it's a god damn fucking miracle for someone to hold an erection for over a year. I'm your fucking god, your overlord, and the one thing keeping you homos together - the fucking glue in this weak ass orgy sesh, ok and you blame me for your boner apathy like fuck no i don't need any of this shit i'm plant fucking jesus i am the reason tiddys get stiffy and the source of your orgasmic dreams, fucker, i own this fuckin universe with just the tip alone, don't you ever fucking question my ability to provide pleasure again just slather me in cranberry sauce and call it a fucking holiday. get the fuck out of my face you tree killing snart"
Silence filled the halls. Quietly, Tobi picked his wedgie and rose his hand as slowly as possible. "I-uh...I'd enjoy some cranberry-slathered Zetsu-samallamahappyhanaka for Thanksgiving." After a few minutes, he put his hand down and cleared his throat awkwardly.
"…"
"….."
"…."
"…."
"Hey fuckers the show's back on." Kisame shouted, and repositioned himself into Itachi's lap. Everyone nodded and gave sounds of affirmation as they piled onto the couch, getting cozy. Hidan dragged his partner's corpse back to the beanbag chair and used it to hold his snacks and Tobi snuggled into the couch with Zetsu, resting his feet on the Sasuke coffee table.
"You know…" Tobi sighed happily, "I think this is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever."
"So here's the kitchen, decked out with all the fixings of badass. Over here's the dust pile where I spice up my sick meats - mostly fish, aheha- and over here's typically where I pop a squat and nom on some trout." Kisame continued to guide the camera man around the hole, explaining every pimped out detail. It took only 30 seconds for him to finish. The rest of the programmed hour was just footage of the shark man eating a sandwich.
"You know what," Zetsu sighed contently. "I think you're right, Tobi my mortal sex toy."